Dear blog...

Sorry for the long absence to blog...

So many thgs had happened this week...

1) I have laminate the certs.
2) Took 2 half days to survey wedding
3) He was late both days.. makes me cry.
4) Everythg is spoilt.
5) No mood to do anythg... No place to survey.
6) Not enjoying moment with him...
7) Had to lie to his mum.. to wake him up!!
8) A false alarm...
9) A near trouble with my boss...
10) First time he fetch me from work... So very happy!!
11) Car accident.. need to fork out money...
12) A mendaki orientation... feels out of place...

Today is the last day of the kursus perkahwinan...
So seronok to get the cert of completion... woohoo!!
Aku tk tau wan concentrate tk... Tapi aku hopes dia treat it seriously...
Psl dia punya org nie cuma ok bila dia happy2 dgn aku je.... Bila ada masalah nanti dia yg menggelabah... Tu yg aku tk brape suka...
Aku hope Wan akan jadi seorang suami yg baik & mithali... Amin...

Dear Blog,
As you could see.. my mood is already not so gd today!!!
I don't knw why is it that my life is so difficult!!!
And everythg i do is like I can't do. Can't do this and can't do that...
Although it might seems like a normal thg to do.
I guess that not many ppl wld understand this...

I wanted a diff kind of life. Although I must alwayz remember that there are still more unfortunate poorer ppl out there, they can alwayz change their fate... by working hard, ppl suffering of illness, can alwayz try & find medicine, stupid ppl can alwayz try to study hard, ugly ppl can alwayz go for plastic surgery.... but for ppl like me, born into this kind of family...
How do you chg ur fate?
Alwayz & alwayz rebel?
Smp bila? Then why do u waste all ur life following what they want & still its not enough for them?

Then talking abt my fiancee.. He's alwayz thinking of himself and he simply dun understand me coz even though he's like that, makes big mistakes.. he cld alwayz stay inside his room and his family won't bother, nag or say anythg much to him.. Juz let him be in his own world.
But for me.. their words are alwayz so hurtful. I can't even have any peacefulness whenever i stay in the family. I kind of hate them but i try to shake off the feelings. Hw cld you hate ur own family kan?

But... why must father be wali to daughter? I dun feel like looking at him at my nikah. Why is it so difficult huh? Why can't I have my mum back?? If father is gone, I am sure that I won't have this kind of problem... Maybe it wld be a better place for me to live, not regretting being born into this kind of family...

I don't know why ppl do not understand... but even my fiancee is acting like he doesn't care.. fine lah.. if he doesn't care that he can't meet me... then just go n play his games 24 hrs till he dies!! Why even bothered to get married? Then its okay with him lah?
Doesn't even care abt my feelings like what I feel if I can't meet him? Does he thinks that he's so special or what?? I hate him when he acts like that. So Ignorant! Only because of him inside my life that I am able to continue all this shit, endure all this shit... N now... he can so easy says thgs that I dun wanna hear! Pelik lah aku with ppl!!

Now.. I dunno what am i gonna do?? Do I decide to nikah aje or what? Who's gonna support me in all these thgs??

Today.... is the day of the course...
Its called "memupuk kasih".
But... it started off fine... But at last..
At the end of the day... Wan still manages to spoil my mood.
Kdg2 aku rasa.. which switch yg went off.. smp he behaves that way?
At last.. i'm so cranky... N it really pisses me off...
N in the end... he still wants to be pissed off too.

Actually, I learn quite a lot today... but i'm lazy to go thru the details...
Its so called the basic of marriages... n re-marriages.
But aku pelik... what did he learnt today? Its like msk telinga kanan & keluar telinga kiri... Y did he still do it thgs that had been done in the past?
Repeating the same thg again... Tu lah yg aku hate!!
Somethg alwayz a last minute person... :(
Its okay.. since i'm still mad, I better go to sleep now...

Its really weird...
Even when i feel like what he did, are truly getting on my nerves...
I still find it CUTE.
Like yesterday.. He wld be blur, n agitated n fumbling abt...
Scolding ppl when he did nt get thgs right...
N i watched him with amusement...
But still, i feel like laughing & hugging him tight...
Whoah... I must be crazy!!
Or crazy in love... :)
I should nvr doubt his love towards me...
Maybe the care that he showed is a little different from others...
Actually, i'm just happy being with him... :)

Hi blog... so much has happened this week...
Biasalah.. ups & downs with Wan... Sometimes...
I feel that he does not care enough...
At home.. still normal.. nagging a lot frm grandma...
At work.. still the same loads of work & colleagues...
On Monday, me & him had already applied for a HDB flat...
Hope that we will succeed in getting a gd number...
That's my greatest wish... To own my own house...
Set up a family... Huhu!!
Today tgk wyg with him at Vivocity.. Cerita too fast too furious...
I miss him a lot sey...

Dear blog...

I have so many thgs to rant abt lately....
I know that i should be someone yg sentiasa bersyukur...
But thgs are really hard...
But still i'm happy to be married next year... :)
N i got a nice kain to wear.. thks to my mum-in-law!

1) Sometimes Sharon cld manage to make me so mad.. Even when she's doing such small thgs... Dats the power of HATE.
2) Nenek. I am actually clueless on what she wants... N apa yg dia tk puas hati...
Suka nk carik kesalahan org lain... Nk membebel 24 jam... Kutuk2 org...
Still, aku kene byk bersabar.. Coz she's my elder...
3) Wan. Lately he does thgs blindly.. N hurt my feelings. I hate that.
Dis mth, nvr save any money...
4) Pimples. Keeps on popping up.. Its really killing me!!!

Today is saturday...
And the 2nd day of holiday...
And I was thinking of going out with him...
And mmg hari tu dia dah janji aku... Bila dlm taxi...
So.. dhlah smlm dia tk kol or msg... so aku mmg mendak kat dlm rumah...
And then hari nie.. aku mmg tk kacau dia pagi coz aku tau dia balik kerja mlm and he needs to sleep... Aku ingat aku nk pegi far east dulu je anuh kaki aku...
Then aft that bila dia dh bgn n siap, he cld just meet me at far east...
But at least ard 2.20 pm dia dh bgn... quite early.. so aku ckp dgn dia juz siap jelah...
then meet aku kat far east... Then aku kol2 tk angkat... aku mcm dh suspect sumthg...
But then betol lah sangkaan aku.. rupanya dia tido smp kul 4+!!
What the hell... Aku adalah dh patah balik umah tadi amek cincin to wear for him...
Then my long holidays this weekend will be wasted je tk keluar... Haizz.. Dissapointed lah!!!
Dats why aku dh ternangis tadi dlm train... Buat malu je...

Today.. wan's mother bekalkan makanan utk balas balik tepen yg kita kasi dia masa hari tunang... Mak dia kasi lopes and epok2...
Then mak dia pon belikan aku present...
Kain ela utk jahit jadi baju... And its like so nice and so pretty...
I'm so touched!!
I've nvr wore or bought anythg so beautiful before...
Not in my 22 years and 10 months of living in this world..
Its like i'm so touched... Thk you so much mum-in-law...
Then aku kol mak dia to say thk you...
And then mak dia ckp she bought a pink kain for Wan jgk...
So that we both cld be a matching couple... Time hari raya...
Wow... his mum is so considerate...
But his mum told me he dun wanna wear.. And I was quite upset by it...
Coz even though he doesn't like pink... but his mum dah beli kan...
But at last when i msg him, dia ckp dia will wear it...
Since dah beli.. Hehe...
Tk sabar to see us wearing it... Its like the perfect couple!!

Alhamdulillah... I'm so happy...
Everything went on so smoothly...
Now... I'm officially Ridzwan's fiancee...
That's an honourable title!!

I'm so glad that we have make it to this stage...
Its very great feeling...
Now is the new beginning for us...
And we have a path to create...
We must thread & plan it carefully...
Next year I will be 24 and he will be 35.

I can't believe that Wan's dad is so nice...
He still wants to sponsor a bit of money for our wedding.
It will ease the burden of our wedding a lot...
He even wants to give Wan the downpayment for his car.
Even though he's not so nice to Wan dulu...
But it proves that he still have a heart and loves his son...
I'm glad that he will be my father in law.
Wan's mum is also nice to me.

Thk God for everythg that he had given me.
I hope that I could be a gd servant to you.
A good wife, a good mother, a gd daughter in law, a gd grand daughter, a gd sister/in-law, a gd employee... everything...

The day has finally arrived...
I'm so excited to be his fiancee... But God... Pls clear up my face...
Amin...
I will do my very best best. Jiayou!

Hi Blog...
I'm happy... In two days.. I will be tunangan org already...
And... In a year time... Hopefully, I will be Ridzwan's wife...
And aft that... I think mmg dh ternyata n tertulis yg jodoh aku bkn dia.... Norhasri....
I can't believe that I'm so naive as if to fall for him... He's heartless enough to leave me alone in this world... Full of sadness... That was the time...
I hope I cld forget every piece of memory that I had with him. N let it remains that way.
There is nothing to lose... because Ridzwan loves me a million times more n he is a million times better than him...
_______________________________________________

Di dalam kesunyian... Ku rasa gelombang nya...
Menyintaimu... Satu kewajipaan... Tapi tak terluah dgn perkataan...

Tika fajar menyinsing... Ku sentuh sinar kasih...
Dari matamu, dekat & terasing... Aku menanti singkapan tabir cinta...
Aku menanti saat menjadi nyata...

Haizzz...
Nahar, Nahar...
Maseh tk berubah dari dulu smp skrg...
Proves that at that pt of time you only like me b'coz of my body...
Full of perverted talk on msn...
U and Alfie who likes me the most ryte...
Haha... what an idiot... Lucky that I did not fall for you... :)

Dear blog...
I will tell you the truth...
I've nvr felt so alone in my life.
Seriously.. My friends all have their own issues with their life and they r not particularly overjoyed with the news... Some take it like.. "Okay, yeah... U're getting married... Dats great.."
Some will call me desperate to get married... that married is not such a nice thing...
So... I guess I wld just like to keep it to myself...
I would do my own thing... Search for my own things...
My family also have their own issues... N my nenek keep on harping abt nk kahwin...
Must chg this and that.. Y can't she juz let it be? Let ppl juz do thgs their own way...
I will ensure that Wan n Me will be very happy together... Insyallah...
We both love each other too much already...

Luckily, my bf is very sweet... I cld feel that he did loves me much much more semenjak kita dh nk dekat2 tunang nie... Sometimes, he wld like to smile to himself.. n then be xtra happy...
Everytime nk jumpa aku n berkepit.. I think juz with my presence, he cld be very happy...
Then I won't mind lah... He's suffered for too long i guess... N I've suffered for too long too...
So we both really treasure each other a lot...

"No MatTeR hOw Much Ur HeArT iS GrIevIng.. iF u KeeP oN bEliEViNg.. tHe dReAm ThaT u WiShed FoR WiLL cOmE tRuE!! ANd Its TRuE.. :)"

Smlm... My bf was really really sweet to me...
I noticed that this couple of days... Dia slalu je nk melekat dgn aku...
Haha... coz dia love aku...
Then aku tgk kalau nk balik... mesti je dia mcm gelisah...
Rupa-rupanya... dia ckp yg dia slalu susah nk berpisah dgn aku bila nk balik...
Hehehe... So swit kan matair aku...
Then aft dat bila dia dh smp umah, dia kol aku...
N dia ckp yg actually dia mcm tk percaya yg dia nk kahwin dgn aku...
N its such a nice feeling that its indescribable... Wow... Hehe...
Actually aku pon sama... feels that way too...
N then aku cerita kan all those thgs... N i can't believe that he cried too...
I really love him to bits lah...
N I hope that this feeling would last forever...

Hi ya all...
Yesterday.. On Saturday, 21st of March,
I went to buy a ring with my future mother-in-law...
So happy.. Imagine, its my first ring... And its a tunang ring...
So, to cut it short... We met at Lot 1 and then fetch my bf...
Then we go to Ming Seng Jewellery... Which is so nice...
Since I actually wanted white gold.. N when I reach there, I saw that the gold is
actually not really gold... So I change my mind...
Then, when his mum pointed out a ring, I saw that its actually quite nice...
And I look and look at others too...
And then, I saw one which is very nice... Like i'm attracted to it...
So, I ask to take a look n his mum also said it's very nice...
But.. the price is like S$500+ and I pity my bf...
So.. I tried both rings, n that one really fits my finger!!
So its fated to be with me... And when I saw others, I also that I like that one still...
And then his mum wants to buy for me another ring for everyday wear...
N I dunno what to buy coz I was embarassed n touched... actually...
N Angah pulak dtg n it was an awkward moment pulak...
Aku takut mak dia ingat aku sengaja pulak buat gitu coz aku tk trust mak dia...
So... aft that we went to eat n then we go back...
N me and him watch movie.. which is very boring...

I dunno what I'm feeling now...
Instead of being happy for me...
Somebody asks me juz now...
"WHY AM I SO DESPERATE TO GET MARRIED?"
Why do I really wanted to get married SO early? Is 24 too early?
Is there such a question exists in my dictionary?
And what I dun understand is... it comes from a married person...
And she is forced to be married... And don't really wanna be married...
Nowadays.. Couples are likely to be forced to be married or terpaksa married...
And I'm not in both categories...

Am I really too clueless?
She keeps on saying abt negative thgs abt marriage (mayb its what she's experiencing now)... Literally like wanted me to chg my mind?
I've done lots of thinking and I've read lots of books...
Me and him had alwayz talk thgs out together...
I've heard n seen lots of experiences...
So what am i lacking? How is it that i'm not ready for marriage?

What is MARRIAGE?
Its alwayz been something that I dream of...
Like practically everthg that I could wish for...
You wld really really really want for a guy to love & protect you...
For the rest of your life...
Start a happy family of your own... Juz continue to live life the way that you want...
Helping others... Seek fulfillment in life...

I dunno hw I got it.. But maybe its from the unhappiness that I experience during my late childhood n almost all my teens yrs and having a happy & beautiful dream is somethg that I really look forward too... (I'm crying as I write this)
Its somethg that I really want... And I hope that I could marry as early as 21...
So that the 21 yrs that I've wasted living in a life that I do not seek...
Will be compensated with the life aft the marriage... Which will be a happy one...
Now I'm already 3 yrs late... But I nvr complain...
I'm still thankful that God met me with somebody that I love and comfortable with not too late...
And the most important is to find your dream guy that you wanna get married with...
And Ridzwan Bin Salim.. He... Is the dream guy... that exists in my life.....
And if my dream guy had already appeared in front of me, is it so wrong for me to want to get married??

I'm so upset right now... I literally cannot write properly with tears in my eyes...
Ppl are making my life so difficult... And all I ever wanted is to get married to someone that I love... Its that such a hard thg to do?
Its better than living in a life of sin... Such as couples co-habiting together...

Ppl doesn't really know me.. What am i feeling? Only I, know myself well...
I really don't get it why ppl doesn't believe in me... keep on hoping to see me fail, wanting me to make a mistake, to regret my decision... But I WONT regret what I've chosen...
I will ALWAYS choose to be married over anythg else... Over career, over a modelling contract, over a celebrity status, over anythg... Provided its with the right guy...
If I'm convinced that he is the one for me, then why shld ppl worry?

There are bounds to be problems aft marriage.. Every marriage will go thru it... But I will do anythg for my marriage to be almost perfect...
I will endure practically everythg that will come in my way...
Even if one fine day, I have to face the most dreaded thg, his ex wife, I will admit to reality... that is my fate... N i won't run away from it... If his mum dun really like me, I will try to make her like me... If his relatives talk bad abt me, I cld still choose to ignore them....

If we had no money to survive, I will find a way to make money, try to control, eat rice n egg everyday... Dats fine with me...
Even if I do not know anythg, lacking in somethg, I willl try to improve myself, do almost everythg that I can do, will try my very best... To be an almost perfect wife.
Even if ppl will always talk.. I will try to close both ears.. pretend not to listen... Dun mind other people's business...

As long as I could wake up, every single day with Ridzwan Bin Salim, beside me....

*Time at 1230 am on 20th of March 2009.

I really really hate it when he make that kind of tone early in the morning.
Really spoil my mood for the day. I sms him so nicely.. And even if he's so slow to get the msg, then juz drop it till later... Nie tak, nk agitated early in the morning....
Ckp bkn2... mcm aku tk tau, dia tu cepat agitated padahal benda actually tkda pape...

N all b'coz of dat stupid ring.. N no need to bring his mum in the subject lah..
Aku pon tk tau lah mcm mana kalau both side mcm lain2 pendapat. Geram!!!
Dis is all wan's fault. Dia tk tau nk handle situation n nvr understands dats y keadaan jadi mcm gini.
Dia as the person who's getting married, hw cld he be so so blur??
At least he must initially got an idea on what to expect kan??
Stupid!! Geram sey!! Spoil the mood for everythg!!!

I'm so happy nowadays...
There's nothing more that I could wish for other than this...
It felt so blissful... Another a yr more to go before I cld become his wife...
To start a brand new life together... Is there anythg more that is missing??
I've found my other half.. And he loves me very much... It feels so blessed...
Thk you Allah...
Yippee!!

Now that my direction of life is already back on it's track..
I must do my very best to create a path that will help me to succeed in this life...
Please let me be a successful and a person that is admire by all...
Amin...