IS LOVE JUST AN ILLUSION?

28/12/2007 Friday:
Its nearly the ending of 2007...
I had came across a very good blog today from a guy's perspectives of love...
I will copy & paste it here:

If true love exists, why do we fall in & out of love? If we are now ‘in love’ with someone new, does that mean our past relationships were just lies, or products of our minds?
I believe that while some love relationships are genuine, others are merely illusions supported by our beliefs.
A gal may convince herself she is in love with a guy because he happens to satisfy her criteria of an ideal partner. Likewise, a guy may believe he loves a gal because he is lonely and longs for a love relationship.
So how do you tell if yours is for real? Only YOU can answer that.
Can you stop loving a person and love another? Yes, definitely.
Does that make you a fickle person? Not necessarily.

Love, as in any relationship, has its upswings and downswings, and quite often, it fails.
You may stop loving the person completely or you may choose to quit the relationship, even if feelings still exist. Perhaps staying on would have destroyed whatever love is left. Perhaps continuing the relationship will only ruin your future. So you quit the relationship. But did you quit on LOVE?
I’ve been through a few failed long-term relationships. One was doomed because I was naïve. Another got nipped in the bud because SHE was naïve. Third one went bust because the illusion it was based on could no longer be sustained. A forth crashed because time revealed the ‘love’ to be nothing more than a close friendship. *sigh*
If true love does exist, how could we love one person after another? I admit I loved every single one of my ex-es, albeit each differently. I still think of them & wish them well. But my heart remains mine to give. And I have.
To the one I pray will be my true companion, who will walk life’s winding road with me till death do us part.

So.. now it makes me wonder if i had 4 ex-es, do i love all of them?
The answer is a definite NO.
I've only truly love a person only (going to two if it includes my current guy) and aft that it was only a mutual feeling of Like+Sayang+Blinded.
Then hw abt all the other guys who claimed to love me?
That's when i have to be smart & differenciate between Love with Lust.
Guys will always wanna get to know/be in a r'ship with a gal with a great body & if she comes with a beautiful/sweet/pretty face & fair skin then its consider a bonus.
So does that means that they Love me?
Definitely no ryte... As if i'm that stupid.
I'm not a bimbo okay... But yes, i used to be a fool.
Coz i've always hope & dreamt of r'ship sort of like the fairytales & romance novels/dramas/movies.
So when i'm face with cold truth abt the real deal with r'ships in the real world...
I'm a bit taken aback. And sumtimes i can feel that i'm completely disgusted with men that are totally into sex.
But, when i think again, sex is actually a great thing for bonding & chemistry between couples but it's only when both parties truly love each other & not doing it half heartedly.
Dats why i'm always reluctant to go on first dates & only went out as far as one date with most guys.
Because i know that they will only lust after me and that is not Love.
How many handsome, boyish, gd looking matreps have i gone out with?
A LOT! And they are highly sought after by other gerls i'm sure.
But. Most of these types are not the type to fall in love.
Or rather they just want a trophy gf that can satisfy their lust.
One fine example is Zali. I think he considers me a trophy gf that he can show off to his frenz plus i'm like so stupid to continue & stay with gd for nothing guy like him ryte.
That's why i often wonder why people who made a sacred vow during marriage can break their promise so easily...
Do they take it so un-seriously? Or did they simply choose the wrong ones?
But why during the courtship, they didn't realized that they are not meant to be together? Why realized it aft marriage?
It is such a complicated thing ryte?
Plus if u hav made a grand wedding & such.. When ur relatives & frenz had all known abt it... Its not like u're in r'ship where not everyone will know abt it. And you will be embarassed & it will affect your future r'ship in a lot of ways.

"After a divorce, i can see that at least one party will suffer more that the other.
And all i can say is that it takes a lot of patience & encouragement & definitely true love for someone to be with a divorcee."

I will write abt my 2008 resolutions in my next entry. :)

I am truly grateful to you for giving my boyfriend back to me.
Thank you!

But.. i'm kinda dissapointed to hear another story from him..
Everytime its a different story that dissapoints me.
I think its best that i don't hear anymore stories from his past that can affects the r'ship.
Thats all.
We shld all look forward to the future.

Saturday, 22/12/07, 11 pm:

I know that i told ya that yesterday will be my last blog...

But i can't help it coz i'm really sick today. Plus really sad too.
So i felt that i should let out my feelings since there's nobody that can help me.
I didn't even go out with anybody today.

I think there's no more life left in me. That's why i'm so weak today.

God, pls help me...
Pls show me the right path whether i should or should not continue this r'ship?

I will feel very bad if i leave him coz i know that it's not his choice to be sick & it's not his fault that he's acting this way.
But on the other hand, it also makes me suffer... If i have to endure this, then there'll be no more meaning in my life anymore.

Friday, 21/12/07, 11.30 pm:

I felt like that i've missed him very much.. but i have to be really strong.
I must see if he failed this test or not.
Only 2 short mths & our r'ship had became the sort of r'ship like a 20 yrs old r'ship.
It has lost its touched & romance and its not getting stronger.
I really can't live a life full of sins,stressed,feeling of unloved,lack of trust..
When i saw him doing all the thgs that he have been doing since the illness, i could just see the traces & imagine what his life had been in the past.
So full of.......... sins & lowly life.
I don't care abt his past. As long as he did not repeat the same mistakes again.
But.. i just felt like...
The sweet & respectable part of him that i fell in love with is gone....................
He kept saying that i can't expect him to be the same all the time.. that his perangai at diff2 places are not the same.. but, ppl dun juz change in a blink of eyes ryte?
Does not even bother to make an effort to call or msg me anymore...
I really hope that i didn't make the wrong choice in life.
For me, marriage is a life long commitment.. and to pick the wrong guy as a husband is as gd as killing myself now.
Maybe you thought that i dun really love you..
But some thgs are just not meant to be said..
Maybe if aft this, we are not meant to be together, i will not find anyone anymore.
Unless if my family finds soeone for me then i will have to accept it.

This will be the last blog that i will write for this year.
Wishing you all a happy new year and i hope that 2008 will brings me so much more happiness rather than sadness.
That's my one & only wish that as long as i live in happiness... everythg that i've experienced, every pain & sadness that i felt will go away.

I dun understand why a random guy would even bother to msg me Selamat Hari Raya when my own guy didn't even reply my Selamat Hari Raya wish... Pelik kan...

I nearly cried when i saw the name that msg me was a diff name coz i was actually hoping it's him. And the best part was.. the guy's name happen to be Ridzwan too...

I think the flames just died when i didn't wanna to do anythg with him... i guess...

I knew that i did not imagine it when i said that i felt that he's changed aft he's sick............



Anyway i was thinking that, if i were to set up a joint account with him, i'm scared that if sumthing happens to the r'ship, there will be more trouble later on...

When the r'ship is only two months old, it's generally not strong enuff.. And when ujian alih2 melanda mcm gini, its really hard for the heart to take it..................................

2007: THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE GOOD & THE BAD.

Its nearing Christmas & New Year. Time flies so fast huh..
Tak lama lage dah nk msk 2008. And i'll be 22. Wow!

Nowadays i felt like there's sumting missing in my life. Like its getting too routine.
Pergi kerja, balik kerja. Sumtimes jumpa Wan. Itu aje.. so bored..
I need to do new things to make my life more interesting...
All my friends are lost. Dunno where they all go.

Everyday is like the same. Plus i have much to think about abt my future, abt him.
So its kinda stressful.. dunno why...

I dun like it. 2007 is not really a gd year but its not exactly a bad year..
Not as bad as 2006, i know.
3 break ups in a year. Wow!

But 1 thg i can say is that i've met a lot & lots of diff characters this yr that i'm convinced that human beings are indeed an unique creature.

Only one thg that saves this year from becoming a bad yr..
But that's only because i met & fall in love with him. :)

But lately... I felt diff lah.. dunno how to say. Its not that i wanna say that i dun love him anymore.
But its just that our r'ship is a bit diff aft he falls sick. We don't meet as often..
Dun msg as often.. Dun talk as often.. Can't email as often coz he's not working..
And he doesn't seems as happy & funny anymore...
Yeah.. maybe its due to the pressure & stress.
So i shld learnt to be more understanding kan...

My job? Nah.. i dun enjoy my job as much as i used too..
Because i found that lately sharon likes to create sumthing that is not even my mistakes.
She is definitely a gd & fun friend to everybody but if i have to rate her as a colleague..
She fails. I just can't describe it. She's not a bad person. I kinda like her.
Its just that she did not take work seriously and dumps all the thgs to me.
And then when sumting happens, she sort of blames me.
And i got no one to talk too.. since i can't talk to Joanna coz i'm scared that she's grown closer to Sharon & Sandy is out of picture lah since we are not even in the same dept.
That's why if can i wanna change job asap but at the same time, i also need that bonus.
Aku hope Tuhan beri aku kesabaran utk tempuh lage a few months at Showtec.

Since this yr, 2007, i've become officially 21 (an adult), i've matured a lot and i've fully understand the meaning of r'ship.
Its not abt the thrill, monkey love, sex or any of that craps.
The purpose of you getting married & become a couple is that for you to have a companion, a soulmate,a listening ear, a moral support that will go thru ups & downs with you, who appreciate you for being there in times of need, who will care for you when you're sick, who will stand up for you when you're bullied, who will grow old with you & provide you with love.
Sex is only a bonus that comes with it.
So.. why does ppl always prioritise sex when they can just treasure the r'ship & be thankful that they hav found someone that they love?

Highlights of the year:

1) Zali nk patch up balik aft that disaster break up under Charley's blk.
2) Dino nk patch up balik but i tell him off during his birthday.
3) Stead & break off with Joe.
4) Had a on & off friendship going to r'ship with Addey.
5) Hasri nk patch up balik BUT at last he's not................................ sincere enuff!
6) Kene tgl dgn these two design guys in a nowhere destination that does not hav any bus or taxi.
7) Kene threaten to kene tglkan with this guy who demanded that i kiss him as a b'dae kiss.
8) Kene threaten that i'm an ungrateful, scheming fucking bitch by an Indian divorcee guy that pretends to be a mly just because he's a convert.
9) Kene harassed with this negro s-league footballer who claimed to be so in love with me...
10) Kene halau 2 times dgn my own dad.
11) Kene backstab with my own aunts.
12) Had two unplanned & unnecessary "flings" with two guys which i regret a lot & lots.
13) Known a lot & lots of guys at Showtec.. which makes me confused.
14) Change job from part time to full time then to another full time job.
15) Kene threaten by a Showtec part timer's crazy girlfriend.
16) Nearly stead with Effendy or Shaizli.
17) Involved in lots & lots of part time/independent jobs that i thought could make money.
18) Became more renggang & jauh with my own best friend.
19) Then i met & fall in love with him (My guy).

Why did i fall in love with him?

First of all i have to say that i used to dislike older guys. Esp one more than 10 yrs.
I remember when a fren of mine stead with a guy 7 yrs older.. ppl was like making a big deal with it.
But now since i'm older & i had an experienced steadying with an older guy b4 (although its unintentional) i dun really mind abt it..
Secondly, he's a divorcee.. when i was younger, i nvr imagine that i wld stead with a divorcee. But i've learnt to accept it simce there are so many divorcee nowadays.
Out of 10 guys that i know, maybe 4 will be a divorcee.. I dun really mind as long as i know that the divorce is not caused by them (eg: abusive marriage, drunkard, jobless..etc)
I just take it that they are not meant to be together and they choose the wrong ones to be their partners. How abt their children? I don't mind too as long as they can accept me.

Out of all the guys above & lots more that i've known this yr... why did i choose him ehk?

I'm still trying to find the ans too since we are definitely the opp of each other..
Maybe b'coz his determination is high and he does not give up easily..
Maybe because i'm attracted to his shyness (which is now gone btw...)
Maybe because he just come at the right time & at the right moment..
Maybe because we instantly clicked on the first meeting...
Maybe because he always makes me happy & he's so sweet...
Maybe because mmg jodoh aku dah tertulis with him................

Whatever it is.. that's all that i can write about 2007.
Hope that 2008 will be more meaningful with him by my side & i hope i learnt more.
Hope i can get a better job & get married.
Amin...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA TO ALL...
Semoga diberi cahaya yg baru & keinsafan pd semua..

I've just found out something from the Internet.

Valium Abuse and Addiction:
Valium is a benzodiazepine with properties of being a sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, amnestic and muscle relaxant drug. Valium is generally used to treat short term moderate to severe anxiety or insomnia. The drug has been shown to lead to the development of tolerance, physiological and psychological dependency when used for long periods.

Uses of Valium:
Valium is useful for the management of anxiety disorders or for the short-term relief of the symptoms of anxiety. In cases of acute alcohol withdrawal, Valium may be useful in the relief of hallucinations, paranoia, acute agitation, tremors, or acute delirium tremens. Valium is a useful for the relief of muscle spasms, spasticity caused by neurological disorders (e.g. cerebral palsy and paraplegia), stiff-man syndrome; and tetanus.

Side Effects of Valium Include:
CNS- lethargy, fatigue, difficulty walking, mental confusion, depression, difficulty with speech, headache, dizziness, tremor and sleepiness GI: constipation, nausea, vomiting GU: loss of bladder control, impotence, failure to maintain erection Heart- slow heart rate, low blood pressure and shock. HEENT: altered vision, double vision, Skin: skin rash, urticaria. Other: hiccups, mouth dryness, liver problems Sometimes an individual will develop paradoxical reactions to valium which may include anxiety, hyperexcitation, hallucinations, increased muscle spasticity, insomnia, anger and insomnia. All individuals who take long term valium should have their liver function regularly monitored.

Dependence:
Long-term valium usage generally leads to some form of tolerance and/or dependence. It is estimated that up to 50 percent of patients prescribed diazepam for 6 months at therapeutic dosages are physically dependent. Withdrawal symptoms due to abrupt discontinuation may include • Insomnia • Anxiety • panic attacks • fast heart rate/palpitations • Hypertension • Depression • Tremors/ hyperactivity • sweating • Loss of appetite • agitation and mental clouding Therefore, any individual on long-term or high dosage of valium should be slowly and carefully weaned off the drug, preferably under medical supervision by a physician who is a specialist in addiction medicine. Withdrawal symptoms can usually be avoided or minimized by use of a long half-life benzodiazepine and very gradually tapering off the drug over a period of many weeks or even months.

DEAR,

I'M SO VERY SAD TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.............

I THINK I'VE COMPLETELY LOST IT.

MANA NAK DEAL WITH BPK AKU YG BELO AND THEN HE'S IGNORING ME OUT OF SUDDEN.

ONLY GOD KNOWS THE PAIN & HURT.

MIGHT AS WELL I DIE RATHER THAN I FEEL THIS PAIN AGAIN.

DATS WHY I DUN WANNA BE IN A R'SHIP ANYMORE ONLY IF IT BRINGS YOU PAIN & MORE PAIN.

I USED TO THINK THAT HE WON'T EVER HURT ME.

BUT TODAY PROVES TO BE DIFFERENT.

I"M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HIM BUT HE, HIMSELF DOESN'T WANTS ME TO UNDERSTAND HIM.

MAYBE YOU THINK THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU BUT.......................

ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

Ya Allah..
I thank you for giving him back to me, and for giving us a chance to be together.
Yeah of course i was afraid of losing him...
But you must know that i am just a normal human being afterall and i'm not that strong if u kept giving me more ujian yg i'm afraid that i'm not able to take.
I will continue to be strong to live my life but i've gone thru so much and i'm afraid that one day will be weak and gonna lose it..
Ya Allah,
Berikanlah hambamu ini kekuatan utk menempuhi segala cabaran ini.
Berikanlah aku kebahagiaan di dalam alam perkahwinan nanti.
Dun let this love fades away & dun let him change.
And.. pls block all my ears, heart & thoughts from ppl that likes to complicate and hurt my r'ship with him.
Amin.

Friday. 141207. 2130.

Dunno how to describe my feelings ryte now.

Sad.
Confused.
Angry.
Dissapointed.
Stressed.
Unhappy.
Moody.
Tired.

I dun understand why you're suddenly so different frm the guy that i used to know.

Like suddenly so weird u know. I felt so weird.

N.. I dun understand why out of the sudden you got this some kind of illness that came out of nowhere.

N, i've asked you before abt this and you've said no u dun have any..

SO.. WHY so sudden?

N furthermore u're always scaring me and sumtimes i can't barely understand what u're talking abt.

N mostly the only thg that i understand was that u always said that i'm gonna leave you.

Which is like unreasonable.. I've got no reasons to leave unless u're the one who's making the reason for me to leave you ryte...........

You're making me so stress dear... n i can't concentrate on my work at all.

Haizz..
You should have known why i cried yesterday...
Coz it hurts me a lot to see you in pain. :(
Then u kept saying that i'm gonna leave you and if somethg happens to you.. that i have to forgive you..
I don't understand that & i dun wanna understand that.
I really hope you'll get well soon...

WEDNESDAY 12.12.07 14.30:

I called NUH just now..

He's inside the EMERGENCY AGAIN!

God.. why do i have to bear all this torture?

Why can't i just have a calm & peaceful life without any pain & worries?

Please dun let anythg happen to him.

I wanted to cry again... :(

11/12/07:

Yesterday, i was on mc.

During evening, i was really frantic for nearly 5 hours coz my bf was suddenly hospitalized...

Dunno where to find him.. Dunno whom to call... Decided to call NUH and they said that he's in Emergency..

Dunno how many boxes of tissue i've used.. (Okay, that's a bit exagerating..)

Luckily, everythg was okay coz i was imagining the worst thg possible...

Thank god for everythg! I've prayed so hard for his safety and.. he has given us another chance to be together.

I was thinking if God were to take him away from me, i will not find another guy anymore coz i'm tired of starting a new relationship again.

I will leave everything to fate. Thanks again to you Allah.

I may not be a gd follower.. but.. i still have the faith & i still believe in you.

08/12/07

I really had a wonderful day today with my dear coz i've missed him so much...

But it kind of ended up in a bad way.. Coz i felt kinda hurt by what he said...

N in the end..... he cried on the phone b'coz of me.. :(

Felt really bad abt it.. Coz.. It's really not worth his tears to cry for me.. But i'm deeply touched by it..

Maybe coz no one ever cried for me before...

I think if there's ever a guy who ever cried that bad because of you.. That means he really truly loves you from the bottom of his heart...

I'm so sorry that i ever doubt your love, baby.................................

So upset sey now...

Why did she "buih" me sey?

Thot we are supposed to meet today... :(

Dah lama sey plan.. then at last jadi mcm gini?

Yesterday... Sharon told me not to get married coz her friend is going thru a divorce aft nine months of marriage and their lil baby is just 2 months old.

She said that their differences are too great for them to live together.

SO funny ryte? And the guy got another women already.

Sharon said for what they have the baby in the first place? Pity the baby ryte..

Then got another friend of hers which is divorce and both the parent dun wanna take in their two sons.

Reason coz the wife is lay off frm her job coz she took so many leave to spy on her husband and the husband dun wanna their kids coz he already got another woman.

WOW! Pity their kids kan...

There are so many divorces nowadays... thats why i'm scared to get married.

But if ever my marriage end up in a divorce(choy!), i will continue to be strong.

I'm not even sure whether i should blog abt this or not...

But for sure this will be my last entry on my family.

I can't even describe abt how i feel ryte now?

Sometimes i felt so lost that i almost did something that will lead me to a diff path in life.

I know the feeling of sadness will come and go.

But the hurt that you felt can last you a very long, long time...

For sure, i have believed that ppl who have suffered a lot in life will one day regain their happiness.

The "Hikmah" will come to those who believe in fate.

But, i've waited for a long 12 yrs of pain.. waiting for that a lil bit of happiness to come...

Yeah.. shopping, going out can give you the extra bit of happiness..

But its still not the same as having the love of a COMPLETE family..

And the unconditional pure love of giving but not expecting something in return...

That can only be found in a mother's love.

That's why i remember that i've grown attached to that Hanis gerl.. Zali's fren niece.. Such a cute, pretty lil gerl...

But so pitiful and unwanted by the family members...

Even her own mother doesn't want her.. I ever wonder what kind of mother is she?

You can feel the touched when she asked me whether i could be her mum?

Coz she said that her mum doesn't want her.. Such a poor thing..

I would surely have taken her to live with me if i have my own house.

But now, i can't see her anymore.. Since i'm not with Zali anymore.

I miss her so much!!

I used to believe in that fairytale crap with a happy ending.. which is completely unreasonable.

Which can lead to more broken hearts.

And i've always known that i still have a long way to go in life..

I'm not even sure of the path that i wanna take. That's not very good for a 21 yr old ryte.

If i could, then i wish i could dissapear far, far, far away......... into a land with no sadness.

As if that could ever happen.......

Maybe someone could just come and take me away??

Dissapointed in you.

I'm trying to help as a friend..

How can you ask ur gf to do that to ppl?

Ckp ikut sesuka hati je...

Why dun u talk to me instead?

That is so coward of you.

Aft this, i hope dun bother to msg me again.

I've long leave the world of ppl like you & ur gf.

Yeah maybe there's no one to help & protect me now when i'm in need like last time..

But i sure know that God will protect me always.

I hate you. Hate you very much.

I'm doing a favour for you and you dare to talk to me like that!!!!!!!!!

I'm already sick now and you have to make my day more....gosh.......

I muz control myself..

God.. why is life always unfair.

I'm so so sorry dear...

I didn't meant to make you angry...

Now i can't sleep coz i know that u're still angry with me...
:(

Say hello to the girl that I am!
You're gonna have to see through my perspectives.
I need to make mistakes just to learn who I am..
And I don't wanna be so damn protected.

There must be another way..
Cause I believe in taking chances..
But who am I to say..
What a girl is to do..
God, I need some answers..
What am I to do with my life?
(You will find it out don't worry)
How Am I supposed to know what's right?
(You just got to do it your way)
I can't help the way I feel...
But my life has been so overprotected...

I tell 'em what I like.
What I want, What I don't.
But every time I do I stand corrected..
Things that I've been told..
I can't believe what I hear about the world,
I realize.. I'm Overprotected..
There must be another way..
Cause I believe in taking chances..
But who am I to say...
What a girl is to do?
God I need some answers.........

Hmm... I sometimes wonder why...

Why i don't have a blessed life like other ppl?
Like other fortunate children? Somebody like Ayumanje? Haha...

In my 21 years of life.. I could only remember very little moments where i've not been suffering (except when i'm still a baby)... not watching my siblings suffering...
Although sometimes i suffer because of them...
But as an eldest daughter, it's only natural for me to be protective of them...

When i think again, yes.. there are many others much more unfortunate than me......
Like the physically and sexually abused children, children in 3rd world countries...

But.. but..

My dad.. haizz.. dunno what to say lah...

So sian...

So, he wants to claim all/everything? Count every single cents that he has spend on me?
Blame god for giving him such an unwanted unfillial daughter?
Blame himself (I quote) for not killing me when i was a baby?

So.. he wants me to give all my pay to him?
Be such a filial daughter?
Suffer endlessly till the end of my life because of him?

Sometimes i envy ppl with an easygoing, generous dad...
But its not like he's such a bad, bad dad... but... dunno how to explain lor...

Sometimes... I wish my mum is still here with me......

If i could just go far far away from here.........................................................
Could someone just come & take me away??

Saat ku rindu padamu............
Ku seru namamu bertalu.. Rimbunan rindu yang bertemu Menjadi lembaran cintaku.. Ku serah kepadamu..
Bila ku sebut namamu, Damai di ruang hatiku ini.. Ku seru namamu bertalu Menjadi lembaran kasihku Ku serah kepadamu..
Engkaulah yang satu mustika kalbuku Kasih dan rinduku, Hanyalah padamu Engkaulah kasihku tiada duanya.. Biar jadi hamparan Kasihku padamu.. Tanpamu siapalah aku...

Quote from Diana's blog:

"A Strong Woman is Someone Who Feels Deeply and Loves Fiercely.. Her Tears Just Flow As Abundantly as Her Laughter. A Strong Woman is Both Soft and Powerful.. She is Both Practical and Spiritual.. A Strong Woman in Her Essence is a Gift to All The World.."

Monday, 19th of Nov 2007:

I dun understand! Why do the tear still falls when i accidentally click on that stupid button?! Goodness me.. I must stop this madness. Why am i still thinking of him??

Sunday, 18th of Nov 2007:

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO BOTH OF US!

May there be lots & lots more of happy moments to come.......... :)

I think in life, we should just take one step at a time.

You can't possibly expect everythg to be in your way at one time.

So...

I must re-organize my life again.

Since they are so many changes now.

The time is flying so fast.. It's nearing end of the year now.

Next year will be 2008.

And i'm gonna be 22 years old.

Haizz..

But, i'm just thankful to god that i've found him.

HOW TO CONTINUE TO STAY POSITIVE WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOUR LIFE SUCKS:

1)Look on the inside. What are some qualities you have that you like about yourself? Are you funny? Are you intelligent? Are you sincere? Are you generous? What do you have pride in? Try focusing on the positive things in your life. You may be making huge influences to others even when you think you're useless.

2)Prove those negative thoughts wrong. When you find yourself in a bad mood, you could think of the negative things such as, "I'm dumb and annoying", "I'm better off dead", "I'm ugly, I wish I looked different", etc. Even though it's not true. Change your mind. Look for your good features, think about the ones that you know love you, look on your greater side. Realize that nobody's life is easy and that there will always be ups and downs, and moments of low self esteem. Don't automatically assume that nobody cares. Every person matters to someone. You're alive for a reason.

3)Appreciate what you see. Look in the mirror. Find some beautiful things about yourself.... Do you have nice skin? nice nails? beautiful eyes? full lips? Find stuff that appeals to you. When you can't change something, change your attitude towards it!

4)Determine why your life sucks. What can you do to make your life better? What do you desire to do? How do you want to feel? Make a few reachable goals and your own strategies. The first step is usually the hardest - getting help or admitting you need it.

5)Getting motivated. What motivates you? What gives you energy to go on everyday? Music? Love? Family? A 1km run? Yahweh, Allah, Buddha? Your attitude? Your pet? Friends? School? Boost your confidence and determination by encouraging yourself into thinking positive.

6)Remember that some things can pass with time. There will be a tomorrow. There will be a next week. There will be a next month and perhaps by then, things will change. Everything is going to be okay when you think it's going to be all right. You are in control of your life and though it might get worse, it'll get better eventually. It's temporary and it will change much sooner than you think.

7)Think about happy memories. Whenever you feel like the future is 'hopeless', think about vivid memories. It will help make you feel better and that in the future, there will be good things, too. Happiness would not exist without sadness - it's like the yin and yan. They just don't exist without each other. Think about all the things you want to experience,feel,achieve. There will be many great moments in your life - don't let a few obstacles get in the way.

8)Don't stop yourself from feeling the joy. It's okay to step back once in awhile and just enjoy the moment. Even in tough situations - it's important to smile and laugh here and there. Don't restrict yourself from doing things you love just because you think you'll be criticized to do. Don't just leave memories behind, but don't try to live in the past, either. Let yourself enjoy life even if you're not at the best place you could be. You only live once - make the best of it.

9)Develop a gratitude journal. It's pretty simple. At the end of every day, write down 5 things that have made you happy or appreciative that day -- not necessarily big things, even small ones count. For example: nice weather, being praised by my boss for getting an urgent errand done, my playful dog, kids and hubby kissing me goodbye before they went to school/work, a hilarious joke a mate shared, etc.

* To "go for it," simply get up and do it. There is a small voice inside saying "Get up!", and you need to do what it says... just dive in! Turn off the computer, turn off the TV, and get going!

* When you think positively, your whole views change about the world and you tend to look on the better, clearer side.

* Talk to others about how you are feeling. This will help you to feel less alone.

* If you feel something is lacking in your life, listen to your instincts and make the best out of it that you can. If you feel that you're not generous enough and that there's not enough harmony in your life, give something to your enemy that you think they would like or so. Giving anonymously is the best. Sniff a flower. Dance a little. Go outside and enjoy the fresh air, if and when you can.

* Find someone who has it worse than you and try to make their life better. Solving problems for others will help you find ways to solve your own.

* Give love, smile more often.

* Remember to be completely honest with yourself. The rest will follow.

* Whenever you hear yourself thinking a negative comment about yourself instantly replace it with a positive one.

* If someone says something negative about you, say to yourself "I refuse to accept that" and forget about it, don't give it a second thought. Replace it with something positive about yourself. Look at them for a moment and realize that they may be going through a rough time themselves and that these things come from insecurity. Show them love and move on. They probably don't mean it to direct at you but themselves. It's called self criticism, some people don't even realize they do such things.

* Don't blame yourself when you clearly haven't done anything wrong.

* Nobody is perfect, so don't go over the edge by setting unreachable goals.

Tiba-tiba engkau ada....

Kemudian engkau hadir.. Laksana kerdil ku memeluk...
Lihat aku lebih dalam...
Di matamu ku melihat... Ada cinta yg tersirat...
Sirami hati merebak...
Barangkali aku salah.. Ku terdiam bukan bisu... Tahu engkau besar malu..
Tutupi rasa gelisah...
Biar saja waktu nanti... Yang menikmati kisah ini...

Bersamamu aku senang...
Belum juga kah kau menyadarinya...
Akulah yg pantas untuk kau cintai... Di bawah langit biru aku bersumpah..
Diriku tanpamu apa artinya cinta.......
Arti cinta ini sudah menelan waktuku... Siang malam hanya untuk pikirkan engkau..
Sejuta kali aku berani bersumpah...
Diriku tanpamu apa artinya cinta...

13/11/07 10.21 AM --> Hmm.. I'm wondering why did he switch off his mobile?
Even though i know that he's going to Bt Batok driving centre.
Joanna is always telling me off like she's so superior like that.. which i kinda dun like.. Dunno why lah..
Maybe it's juz her character to be like that...

12/11/07 --> Just got an invitation from an old fren for her wedding.
Safawati. Its on Dec 2007..
That means this year i've already got 5 wedding invitations & an engagement.
Wow.... I guess next year will be full of weddings too.
I've already known some of them who's gonna tied the knot next yr.
I've had a feeling it's gonna be a busy year..
Wondering when it'll be my turn? Haha... :)

11/11/2007 --> Sick & tired of my life...
Dunno why i'm feeling like this out of sudden?

I came across some meaningful words today.....

Tak perlu mencari teman secantik BALQIS,
Jika diri tak seindah SULAIMAN,

Mengapa mengharap teman setampan YUSUF,
Jika kasih tak setulus ZULAIKHA,

Tak perlu mencari diri yang seteguh IBRAHIM,
Jika tak sekuat SITI SARAH,

Mengapa didamba teman seistimewa KHADIJAH,
Jika diri tak sesempurna RASULULLAH S.A.W,

“Tak guna Ada MATA kalau tak dapat MELIHAT, Tak guna Ada HATI kalau tak tau MENILAI….. “

Haizz..
Oklah today i cried first time b'coz of him.
It's a stupid matter actually.
And.. i didn't meant to hurt your feelings, honey.
Its juz that maybe i can't think properly at that point of time.
And it felt so helpless without a hp.
Nonetheless, i hope u dun need to force urself to meet me everyday.
Coz sometimes i know that u're tired & need ur rest too.
Plus u also hav ur own life to live.. to go out with ur frenz & family.. So i can't possibly be with you 24/7 ryte?
And.. anyway it feels so weird not to be able to sms or received ur calls..
Haizz..

MARRIAGE?

It is kinda a big word.

AM I READY FOR IT?

That's a big question too.

I can't afford to have a failed marriage.

But he actually assured me that there won't be any such things.

But is just an assurance enough to make the marriage lasts?

Maybe i'm just being extra PARANOID.

But its been on my mind ever since he brought up this topic.

I can understand that he do not wanna wait too long.

But...

Dunno lah.

Get Married?

Or not?

Or maybe we can get married first but don't have children first?

Haizzz......

Haizz....

Monday morning:-

Asal lah hp boleh rosak?

Merana sey... That hp.. It's my life okay..

Without it, nak contact mana2 org pon susah..

My guy, my frenz, my sis, uncle leong yg fetch aku pagi2...

I do not understand this world sometimes...

Why do u wanna bitch behind my back juz because of a $100 increment?

Duh! It makes me so upset.

Guess ppl likes to talk so much.. When they are conscious abt their own selves.

I actually just got to know that my senior wants to delay our pays coz some guys offended her the other day.
And she was pissed off.
Astaghfirullah... :(

See i've told you?
I've long seen her true colours.

*Feeling Stressed*
When he seldom & rarely sleeps.
Sometimes he every few hrs called me when he cannot sleep.
Then i will sometimes wonder, what did he do if he can't sleep?

SO UPSET!!

PERVERT AGAIN.
AT WORK.
NO NEED TO SAY WHO LAH.
JUST WANNA SAY THAT I'M UPSET!

"A heart is a fragile thing. That's why we protect them so vigorously, gives them away so rarely and why it means so much when we do..."

When i turn 21, i have a different perspective in life..
But still, whatever kesusahan aku, ppl can nvr know..
Except for those who are really2 close to me.

Itu pon u can't really expect ppl to understand ur problems 100%.
SO.. conclusion is u will always have to depend on urself only.
Coz u noe urself better than anyone else..
And i'm sure everybody only wants happiness in their life ryte...

Plus after i've reach the age of 21, i have resolved to have only happiness & prosperity for every single day that i live until the day that i'm gone.

*Just enjoy the moments.
*Avoid any conflicts.
*Be happy always.
*Take the day as it is.
*Learn to be happy always.
*Be more forgiving.
*Give them a smile everytime ppl de-motivates u.
*Learn to accomodate diff types of behavior.

I really hope that aft this there won't be anymore sadness in my life except if its unavoidable sadness such as death.

Ever wonder why i nvr wrote much abt my family?
Coz.. dere is really nothing much to write abt. My family is not that close.
Because of my dad.
But whatever happens, i won't let my siblings be separated.
Esp my fav sister, Ummu Aiman.
We, siblings are generally more closer to each other. :)
In future, when we all have our own families,
then maybe we can have gathering more often at each other's hse... :)
That's my dream for my family future..

The other day,
A fren told me indirectly that i usually tend to stead with guys because of their money?
What happens to morals & behaviors?
I'm actually so shocked that she could say that coz deep down inside me, i know that it's not like that.
My ex boyfriends are all not that loaded.
They all don't even own a bike or a car.
I still buy my own things.
I do not ever ask any of my exs or bfs to buy for me things.. or any expensive branded items.
If i ever want it, i could just find myself a SUGAR DADDY ryte?
Or i could just take that Billy footballer guy. I know that he's loaded.
He got an aura of arrogance when he walk & when he flash his credit card when he pays for the dinner that time.

I think she's just jealous coz she has a good for nothing guy who expects her to pay everything.

The other day... Effendy tegur aku kat msn...
I was kinda shocked actually.. Coz.. i didn't expect him to do that..
Then he said knape aku mcm senyap je lately?
Aku tanya dia hari tu yg pvt no. missed kol tu dia yg kol ke?
He said yupz its him..
Then i said is it me yg senyap or it's him yg layan aku mcm nk taknak even though we've make it very clear that last time both of us have feelings towards each other?
Then dia senyap.
Dia ckp he did that coz he was afraid that we wld have a clash of interest if we ever get together..
What the hell!!
That's a stupid reason lah.. If you really love that person.. U won't hesitate b'coz of a stupid reason like that..
He really reminds me of Hasri.. which makes me more sakit hati..
Then i said that i nvr msg or call him anymore coz i juz got attached..
He said "Ouh, patutlah dah takkol.. hmm.. gd for u lah..."
He said yg dia taknak ganggu aku lage coz takut nanti guy aku marah pulak.. Eleh..
He said one word of advise for me..
Dun ever regret what i've chosen?
I was so pissed off with that sentence that i felt like crying..
So u're doubting my choice of guy?
You are not even fit to give me advise my dear..
I'm glad i've chosen him.. Coz at least i know that he loves me more than you did.
And.. u dun have to be so bitter when u knw that u've lost...
Coz the fact is that at first i dun really have any feelings for Ridzwan but i did have a feeling for you.
And the diff between Ridzwan and you is that, he works hard and makes the effort to win my heart while u, Mr Effendy, just sits ard and wait for a gerl to make the first move?
Haha. Its your lost.

Hmm...
I can't wait to take the Cert for Payroll in January..
I've already submit the application... :)
Its at Singapore Human Resource Institute...
Hope i'm accepted to enrol in the course...
Then i must really work hard to save money.. :)
Hope it will bring me a better future...

Sad & bored...
I kinda missed him a lot!~
Hmpph...

Every day.. I'm getting a little pissed off with my senior..
I dun like this type of person..
Dahlah tkda motivation to upgrade, likes to complaint, dtg lambat, slalu amek leave, kalau ada probs je, sumer org dia nk bilang.. Likes to attract attention..
Haizz...
Almost everythg suroh aku buat..
Then kalau salah, aku pulak yg kene marah...
Unfair kan?
Haizz.. Sabar jelah aku smp aku dpt that cert n kerja yg lage more better.. Hope2 aku boleh tahan.. Amin..