Quoted from the book: What SMART COUPLES know.

Relationship success is dependent both on what you do as well as on who you are.
Think about this:

1) Would your relationship run more smoothly if you sharpened your ability to read and understand your partner's feelings?

2) Would you feel better if you could show your partner that you're tuned in to him/her?

3) If you two had more positive than negative interactions, and were more opmtimistic abt the r'ship, would thgs improve?

4) Would it improve thgs for the two of you if you read your partner's "signal" more accurately?

5) Would thgs be better if you could both clearly identify and then appropriately express your own emotions?

6) Would things change for the better if the two of you showed more emphathy and compassion for each other?

7) Would it feel better if you admired and valued each other more?

Well, of course everyone want these thgs in their r'ship. Be assured that you can have thgs this way by using your EQ.

Nine Components of EQ:

1) Being Self Aware and having self knowledge.

2) Knowing, understanding, regulating and managing your emotions and expressing them appropriately.

3) Emphathizing and being attuned to others, esp your partner and dealing with them effectively.

4) Maintaining hope, positive thinking and an attitude of optimism.

5) Keeping distress from swamping your ability to think - Being able to override negative emotions.

6) Maintaning enthusiasm and persistence in the face of frustration or setbacks.

7) Maintaning a sense of self efficacy.

8) Delaying gratification and controlling or resisting your impulses.

9) Being Self Motivated.

Examples of Maturity:

1) Being patient, civil and kind.

2) Facing unpleasantness without bitterness

3) Being dependable

4) Maintaning personal integrity

5) Accepting responsibility for the outcome of your decisions

6) Displaying humility and the ability to say "I'm Sorry" or "I was Wrong"

7) Handling frustration and settling differences in non-destructive ways

8) Taking ownership or accountability of your actions.

Who Am I? The Beginning of the Journey

Nature Vs Nurture

Personalities are determined 50% by early life experiences and 50% by genetic heritage/physiology.

Early life effects on personality:

1) Alcoholism of one or both parents

2) Physical, emotional or sexual abuse

3) Emotional or physical neglect

4) Death of a parent/parents

5) Emotional or mental illness of one or both parents

6) Role reversals and "parentification" of a child

7) Overindulgence

8) Unclear limits or boundaries

9) Rigid, controlling or excessively strict atmosphere

10) Lack of love and affection

If you had a secure, stable, loving parents in a safe, appropriate environment, this is likely to have a positive effect on your personality formation.

Early attachment between yourself and early childhood influences your emotional expectations and major impact on your marriage and other adult relationships.

Anxious-ambivalent, Avoidant and Secure categories.

Self-Disclosure:

Sharing yourself with your partner.
Do you have trouble describing your behavior or personality accurately and naming your feelings?

Reasons for these (Check it if its true):

1) You may simply be unable to confide in your partner because you lack the language and awareness to describe yourself and your inner experiences.

2) You may be afraid to disclose because you have had painful experiences in sharing with others who had betray your trust.

3) You may feel its none of your partner's business.

4) You may have been brought up not to expose your dirty laundry to public.

5) You may experience a general discomfort with vulnerability.

Positive Vs Negative thinking:

Positive thinkers make a better marital partner and positive thinking has a major effect on your emotional and physical health and the overal outcome of your life.

Friendship and Companionship

* Confiding and self disclosing with a sense of trust

* A willingness to be vulnerable

* Sharing of affections

* Spending time together and being companions

* Showing emotional support

* Being loyal and defending your partner in his/her absence

* Being tolerant and accepting of each other's friends

* Engaging in regular CONVERSATIONS

* Accepting each other's uniqueness

* Communicating appreciation and expressing kindness and being courteous to each other

* Being honest but with careful criticism

LOVE: Taking Pleasure in Another's Happiness

Self-Esteem: CAN I LOVE YOU IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME?

Self love =Great Self esteem

Signs of Insecurity:

1) Defensiveness
2) Jealousy
3) Possessiveness
4) Unwillingness to be accountable
5) Attitude of blaming
6) Competitiveness
7) Passiveness
8) Need for control
9) Desire to win
10) Erratic emotionality

Supporting your partner's autonomy:

* Respecting your partner's point of view
* Encouraging choice and initiative
* Communicating in a non controlling ways
* Offering positive feedback
* Allowing space or time alone for his/her personal pursuits

Individuals with good self esteem:

- Feel confident in most situations
- Comfortable in being alone
- Are not overly dependent upon others
- Are hopeful and optimistic
- Are capable experiencing intimacy
- Know and their personal power
- Experience joy in life
- Enjoy the successes of others
- Are able to forgive
- Are not critical and judgemental of others
- Can identify and correct their mistakes
- Can relate to their "inner selves"
- Avoid ppl pleasing and caretaking
- Are compassionate but avoid pitying

How parents influential adult influence you:

1) The feelings of others are very important, or feelings of others does not matter.

2) It can be rewarding to be close to people or dangerous to be close to people.

3) Everyone feelings are important, even yours or my feelings matter more than yours.

4) Life can be a challenge but we can handle it or life is too difficult.

5) Listen to your heart and emotions as well as thoughts or use your head not your heart.

ETC

Characteristics of person addicted to alcohol or drugs:

1) Inappropriate acting out
2) Impulsivity
3) Intolerance and Impatience
4) Lack of motivation or ambition
5) Giving up easily
6) Blaming others
7) Hopelessness
8) Excessive anger
9) Unpredictability
10) Insensitivity or obliviousness to feeling of others

Common examples of things of high EQ you could practise with your partner:

- Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?
- Can you help me understand why you did it that way?
- What are/were you intending?
- Can you please clarify what you mean?

Learn to listen - Most important ingredient in emphathy and attunement.

Listening with the ears and soul:

- Are you able to focus your full attention on the other person?
- Can you listen to critiscisms of yourself?
- Can you listen for feelings?
- Do you find listening to feelings uncomfortable?
- Are you able to stay genuinely focused and attentive and not just pretend to listen?
- Do you acknowledge what your partner is saying even if you disagree with it?
ETC

Being heard means being taken seriously.
It satisfies our needs... to feel connected to others...
The listener helps to confirm our common humanity...
The need to be known... understood and accepted by someone who really listens is meat and drink to the human heart...

Today is a bad bad monday... Monday blues today...

First: I am still mad at Wan. This is worst.

Second: I am late today and even later coz I can't deposit my money in all the deposit machines!! I am puzzled...

Third: Joanna tried and she can't transfer thru internet banking too.

Fourth: I dun feel hungry today. Luckily its not too bz at work.

Fifth: My money seems missing.. but its juz me who spends too much in such a little time.

Sixth: M1 barred my outgoing calls and smses just b'coz of a few outstandings!! Geram.

Seventh: Wan alwayz nk act as if nothing had happened!! Geram!!

Eight: Found out that POSB had terminate my acct juz b'coz i dun have minimum balance for 3 consecutive months. And they only manage to deduct one dollar!!!

Nineth: My giros are all affected!! And I dun wanna pay extra!!!

Tenth: I look ugly today with one eye swollen, jerawat at nose yg tk kecik2 and tudung tk betol!!

But... one single lining is that.. my BONUS is nearer and nearer... hehe...
Amin...

Is he really the one for me?
I'm so confuse right now... and I dun wanna make the wrong choice...
Its already march...