Dear Blog,

Its been so long that I have not written here... Today I felt like pouring out my heart...
Its been nearly one month plus that I'm married...
A beautiful wedding (With a bit of cacat cela because of his ex) and a beautiful bali honeymoon (With no happy ending)
What I dream of in my married life... had all been shattered.
Sadness and depression are endless now...
Its not that Wan and me always quarell or our personality clashes...
We always click so well with each other... Understands each other so well...
I could still remember the night, when he was all down and shattered coming home, and thats when he fell into my arms and we cried together...
It was so painful... I was hurting too... N I still have to be strong for both of us.
Its all the external problems.
I guess... Everybody has their own problems in life....
I can't really accept that these thgs are happening to me right after my marriage...
Fate, to me, is cruel and unfair.
But, every life challenges would make you more stronger.
A stronger and better person. And hikmah beneath it.
Sometimes, I feel like giving up... But if I believe that I am a strong person,
I would work hard to fight these problems.
First of all, I did think why me?
I work so hard to reach my dream of being married and becoming someone's wife...
N I really love my husband so much... N he loves me so much....
So, where is the problem?? Lots & lots of it... N what's the hikmah??

1) Vaginismus = Sex
Hikmah: To learn and appreciate making love, treasure your partner, make love in a romantic way after overcoming, treasure what you can't achieve before, the treatment cld benefit you during childbirth, gynae check ups...
2) Cancer scare. Really hope what the doctor is right.
Hikmah: To be more careful in future, protect your health better, live a healthy life, do more check ups...
3) Husband losing job.
Hikmah: For him not to take his job for granted, work hard in a new job, maybe he wld find a better job, Allah wld open up a better path for him....
4) Losing our future house.
Hikmah: Maybe he wants us to wait... For us to be stable and then the better house wld appear...
5) Lots of credit cards and loans
Hikmah: Teach us how to manage our finances better before getting a house...
6) Family problems (Adjusting to both families)
Hikmah: To gradually strengthen ties between both families...
7) Job stress=loads of work
Himah: Dunno yet.
8) Husband not strong and taking more thgs to harm himself.
Hikmah: For me to be more alert/to know the real truth. At least he confessed in thgs that he never told me before... So after this I wld continue to remind him...
9) Pressure in having children. With vaginismus, how to have children?
Hikmah: For us to be more prepared in having children. To be equipped to be a better parent.

N mind you, these problems are very hard to endure... sometimes you feel like you do not wanna live anymore... But, I wld quickly shake it off...
I really feels sorry for my husband everytime I look at him...
Sometimes he would say things that hurts my feelings... But I know that he doesn't really meant it...
But, I felt that he shld be more understanding and encourage me more... :(

All in all....
I am very sure that we could overcome all these obstacles and live on to tell our children and grandchildren the stories... Insyallah...
Amin.