HOW TO CONTINUE TO STAY POSITIVE WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOUR LIFE SUCKS:

1)Look on the inside. What are some qualities you have that you like about yourself? Are you funny? Are you intelligent? Are you sincere? Are you generous? What do you have pride in? Try focusing on the positive things in your life. You may be making huge influences to others even when you think you're useless.

2)Prove those negative thoughts wrong. When you find yourself in a bad mood, you could think of the negative things such as, "I'm dumb and annoying", "I'm better off dead", "I'm ugly, I wish I looked different", etc. Even though it's not true. Change your mind. Look for your good features, think about the ones that you know love you, look on your greater side. Realize that nobody's life is easy and that there will always be ups and downs, and moments of low self esteem. Don't automatically assume that nobody cares. Every person matters to someone. You're alive for a reason.

3)Appreciate what you see. Look in the mirror. Find some beautiful things about yourself.... Do you have nice skin? nice nails? beautiful eyes? full lips? Find stuff that appeals to you. When you can't change something, change your attitude towards it!

4)Determine why your life sucks. What can you do to make your life better? What do you desire to do? How do you want to feel? Make a few reachable goals and your own strategies. The first step is usually the hardest - getting help or admitting you need it.

5)Getting motivated. What motivates you? What gives you energy to go on everyday? Music? Love? Family? A 1km run? Yahweh, Allah, Buddha? Your attitude? Your pet? Friends? School? Boost your confidence and determination by encouraging yourself into thinking positive.

6)Remember that some things can pass with time. There will be a tomorrow. There will be a next week. There will be a next month and perhaps by then, things will change. Everything is going to be okay when you think it's going to be all right. You are in control of your life and though it might get worse, it'll get better eventually. It's temporary and it will change much sooner than you think.

7)Think about happy memories. Whenever you feel like the future is 'hopeless', think about vivid memories. It will help make you feel better and that in the future, there will be good things, too. Happiness would not exist without sadness - it's like the yin and yan. They just don't exist without each other. Think about all the things you want to experience,feel,achieve. There will be many great moments in your life - don't let a few obstacles get in the way.

8)Don't stop yourself from feeling the joy. It's okay to step back once in awhile and just enjoy the moment. Even in tough situations - it's important to smile and laugh here and there. Don't restrict yourself from doing things you love just because you think you'll be criticized to do. Don't just leave memories behind, but don't try to live in the past, either. Let yourself enjoy life even if you're not at the best place you could be. You only live once - make the best of it.

9)Develop a gratitude journal. It's pretty simple. At the end of every day, write down 5 things that have made you happy or appreciative that day -- not necessarily big things, even small ones count. For example: nice weather, being praised by my boss for getting an urgent errand done, my playful dog, kids and hubby kissing me goodbye before they went to school/work, a hilarious joke a mate shared, etc.

* To "go for it," simply get up and do it. There is a small voice inside saying "Get up!", and you need to do what it says... just dive in! Turn off the computer, turn off the TV, and get going!

* When you think positively, your whole views change about the world and you tend to look on the better, clearer side.

* Talk to others about how you are feeling. This will help you to feel less alone.

* If you feel something is lacking in your life, listen to your instincts and make the best out of it that you can. If you feel that you're not generous enough and that there's not enough harmony in your life, give something to your enemy that you think they would like or so. Giving anonymously is the best. Sniff a flower. Dance a little. Go outside and enjoy the fresh air, if and when you can.

* Find someone who has it worse than you and try to make their life better. Solving problems for others will help you find ways to solve your own.

* Give love, smile more often.

* Remember to be completely honest with yourself. The rest will follow.

* Whenever you hear yourself thinking a negative comment about yourself instantly replace it with a positive one.

* If someone says something negative about you, say to yourself "I refuse to accept that" and forget about it, don't give it a second thought. Replace it with something positive about yourself. Look at them for a moment and realize that they may be going through a rough time themselves and that these things come from insecurity. Show them love and move on. They probably don't mean it to direct at you but themselves. It's called self criticism, some people don't even realize they do such things.

* Don't blame yourself when you clearly haven't done anything wrong.

* Nobody is perfect, so don't go over the edge by setting unreachable goals.

Tiba-tiba engkau ada....

Kemudian engkau hadir.. Laksana kerdil ku memeluk...
Lihat aku lebih dalam...
Di matamu ku melihat... Ada cinta yg tersirat...
Sirami hati merebak...
Barangkali aku salah.. Ku terdiam bukan bisu... Tahu engkau besar malu..
Tutupi rasa gelisah...
Biar saja waktu nanti... Yang menikmati kisah ini...

Bersamamu aku senang...
Belum juga kah kau menyadarinya...
Akulah yg pantas untuk kau cintai... Di bawah langit biru aku bersumpah..
Diriku tanpamu apa artinya cinta.......
Arti cinta ini sudah menelan waktuku... Siang malam hanya untuk pikirkan engkau..
Sejuta kali aku berani bersumpah...
Diriku tanpamu apa artinya cinta...

13/11/07 10.21 AM --> Hmm.. I'm wondering why did he switch off his mobile?
Even though i know that he's going to Bt Batok driving centre.
Joanna is always telling me off like she's so superior like that.. which i kinda dun like.. Dunno why lah..
Maybe it's juz her character to be like that...

12/11/07 --> Just got an invitation from an old fren for her wedding.
Safawati. Its on Dec 2007..
That means this year i've already got 5 wedding invitations & an engagement.
Wow.... I guess next year will be full of weddings too.
I've already known some of them who's gonna tied the knot next yr.
I've had a feeling it's gonna be a busy year..
Wondering when it'll be my turn? Haha... :)

11/11/2007 --> Sick & tired of my life...
Dunno why i'm feeling like this out of sudden?

I came across some meaningful words today.....

Tak perlu mencari teman secantik BALQIS,
Jika diri tak seindah SULAIMAN,

Mengapa mengharap teman setampan YUSUF,
Jika kasih tak setulus ZULAIKHA,

Tak perlu mencari diri yang seteguh IBRAHIM,
Jika tak sekuat SITI SARAH,

Mengapa didamba teman seistimewa KHADIJAH,
Jika diri tak sesempurna RASULULLAH S.A.W,

“Tak guna Ada MATA kalau tak dapat MELIHAT, Tak guna Ada HATI kalau tak tau MENILAI….. “

Haizz..
Oklah today i cried first time b'coz of him.
It's a stupid matter actually.
And.. i didn't meant to hurt your feelings, honey.
Its juz that maybe i can't think properly at that point of time.
And it felt so helpless without a hp.
Nonetheless, i hope u dun need to force urself to meet me everyday.
Coz sometimes i know that u're tired & need ur rest too.
Plus u also hav ur own life to live.. to go out with ur frenz & family.. So i can't possibly be with you 24/7 ryte?
And.. anyway it feels so weird not to be able to sms or received ur calls..
Haizz..

MARRIAGE?

It is kinda a big word.

AM I READY FOR IT?

That's a big question too.

I can't afford to have a failed marriage.

But he actually assured me that there won't be any such things.

But is just an assurance enough to make the marriage lasts?

Maybe i'm just being extra PARANOID.

But its been on my mind ever since he brought up this topic.

I can understand that he do not wanna wait too long.

But...

Dunno lah.

Get Married?

Or not?

Or maybe we can get married first but don't have children first?

Haizzz......

Haizz....

Monday morning:-

Asal lah hp boleh rosak?

Merana sey... That hp.. It's my life okay..

Without it, nak contact mana2 org pon susah..

My guy, my frenz, my sis, uncle leong yg fetch aku pagi2...

I do not understand this world sometimes...

Why do u wanna bitch behind my back juz because of a $100 increment?

Duh! It makes me so upset.

Guess ppl likes to talk so much.. When they are conscious abt their own selves.

I actually just got to know that my senior wants to delay our pays coz some guys offended her the other day.
And she was pissed off.
Astaghfirullah... :(

See i've told you?
I've long seen her true colours.

*Feeling Stressed*
When he seldom & rarely sleeps.
Sometimes he every few hrs called me when he cannot sleep.
Then i will sometimes wonder, what did he do if he can't sleep?

SO UPSET!!

PERVERT AGAIN.
AT WORK.
NO NEED TO SAY WHO LAH.
JUST WANNA SAY THAT I'M UPSET!

"A heart is a fragile thing. That's why we protect them so vigorously, gives them away so rarely and why it means so much when we do..."

When i turn 21, i have a different perspective in life..
But still, whatever kesusahan aku, ppl can nvr know..
Except for those who are really2 close to me.

Itu pon u can't really expect ppl to understand ur problems 100%.
SO.. conclusion is u will always have to depend on urself only.
Coz u noe urself better than anyone else..
And i'm sure everybody only wants happiness in their life ryte...

Plus after i've reach the age of 21, i have resolved to have only happiness & prosperity for every single day that i live until the day that i'm gone.

*Just enjoy the moments.
*Avoid any conflicts.
*Be happy always.
*Take the day as it is.
*Learn to be happy always.
*Be more forgiving.
*Give them a smile everytime ppl de-motivates u.
*Learn to accomodate diff types of behavior.

I really hope that aft this there won't be anymore sadness in my life except if its unavoidable sadness such as death.

Ever wonder why i nvr wrote much abt my family?
Coz.. dere is really nothing much to write abt. My family is not that close.
Because of my dad.
But whatever happens, i won't let my siblings be separated.
Esp my fav sister, Ummu Aiman.
We, siblings are generally more closer to each other. :)
In future, when we all have our own families,
then maybe we can have gathering more often at each other's hse... :)
That's my dream for my family future..

The other day,
A fren told me indirectly that i usually tend to stead with guys because of their money?
What happens to morals & behaviors?
I'm actually so shocked that she could say that coz deep down inside me, i know that it's not like that.
My ex boyfriends are all not that loaded.
They all don't even own a bike or a car.
I still buy my own things.
I do not ever ask any of my exs or bfs to buy for me things.. or any expensive branded items.
If i ever want it, i could just find myself a SUGAR DADDY ryte?
Or i could just take that Billy footballer guy. I know that he's loaded.
He got an aura of arrogance when he walk & when he flash his credit card when he pays for the dinner that time.

I think she's just jealous coz she has a good for nothing guy who expects her to pay everything.

The other day... Effendy tegur aku kat msn...
I was kinda shocked actually.. Coz.. i didn't expect him to do that..
Then he said knape aku mcm senyap je lately?
Aku tanya dia hari tu yg pvt no. missed kol tu dia yg kol ke?
He said yupz its him..
Then i said is it me yg senyap or it's him yg layan aku mcm nk taknak even though we've make it very clear that last time both of us have feelings towards each other?
Then dia senyap.
Dia ckp he did that coz he was afraid that we wld have a clash of interest if we ever get together..
What the hell!!
That's a stupid reason lah.. If you really love that person.. U won't hesitate b'coz of a stupid reason like that..
He really reminds me of Hasri.. which makes me more sakit hati..
Then i said that i nvr msg or call him anymore coz i juz got attached..
He said "Ouh, patutlah dah takkol.. hmm.. gd for u lah..."
He said yg dia taknak ganggu aku lage coz takut nanti guy aku marah pulak.. Eleh..
He said one word of advise for me..
Dun ever regret what i've chosen?
I was so pissed off with that sentence that i felt like crying..
So u're doubting my choice of guy?
You are not even fit to give me advise my dear..
I'm glad i've chosen him.. Coz at least i know that he loves me more than you did.
And.. u dun have to be so bitter when u knw that u've lost...
Coz the fact is that at first i dun really have any feelings for Ridzwan but i did have a feeling for you.
And the diff between Ridzwan and you is that, he works hard and makes the effort to win my heart while u, Mr Effendy, just sits ard and wait for a gerl to make the first move?
Haha. Its your lost.

Hmm...
I can't wait to take the Cert for Payroll in January..
I've already submit the application... :)
Its at Singapore Human Resource Institute...
Hope i'm accepted to enrol in the course...
Then i must really work hard to save money.. :)
Hope it will bring me a better future...

Sad & bored...
I kinda missed him a lot!~
Hmpph...

Every day.. I'm getting a little pissed off with my senior..
I dun like this type of person..
Dahlah tkda motivation to upgrade, likes to complaint, dtg lambat, slalu amek leave, kalau ada probs je, sumer org dia nk bilang.. Likes to attract attention..
Haizz...
Almost everythg suroh aku buat..
Then kalau salah, aku pulak yg kene marah...
Unfair kan?
Haizz.. Sabar jelah aku smp aku dpt that cert n kerja yg lage more better.. Hope2 aku boleh tahan.. Amin..

Yesterday.. i was so damn angry with the guys at my workplace..
I meant its okay if u wanna disturb me.. Like a lil sister kan..
But its not okay if u wanna pass sexual comments to me.

And.. I feel like.. Its not damn appropriate to me..
Esp if u're asking for sexual favors... HAiyo!!!!
Do u guys think i'm that cheap??

Hate it!! Benci.. Luckily Ridzwan(my guy) is so understanding... :(
Smlm dah lah strez psl the course then angah call tanya2 psl duit...

Then from morng the guys non-stop came in.. disturb2 me..
That Sarifie guy.. Wow! Stand so close behind me in the copier room and then can ask me some more nak peluk boleh ke tak! Ewww... Abeh.. Nak gula2 yg boleh buat aku keras if he kiss me?? Ewww....
Bobby dahlah 2-3 kali naik atas (pastu nak balik dgn aku plak tu! Uncomfortable tau.. Dahlah dia dah tunang..)

Plus Kamal, Nahar, Mali, Ah cHOy (Eww..), Lionel.. William nasib dia bz smlm kalau tak evry hr nk msk ofis aku.. Azren smlm tk kacau sgt..

Plus the sms from Syaqil (Said alih2 that i owe him a kiss) and a call from that stupid Ridhwan!!! Hate him!!
Got the cheeks to say that aku dah sombong skrg... Duh!!

Dahlah.. Malas nak layan dorg lage!! :(

I just think that.. maybe when u're poor, gullible and clueless..

U'll get look down more often.

I've always known that i can't depend on my family members.

And i don't really understand my aunt.
How much money that she really wants anyway?

I've nvr felt more alone than now.

I think that maybe its better to depend on myself than someone else.
I dunno if i'm being over sensitive again..
But i just felt betrayed & hurt.. Again.. :(

Thursday, 18th of October 2007 --> Nur Haseenah & Ridzwan.

I've finally accepted him.. And i really hope that this new relationship with him will last forever...

Amin.

I've been thinking abt it lately...
And i've come to a solution that...
The only way that i can accept Ridzwan is that for me to let go of my past.

Which is actually NorHasri...
The rest is unimportant coz they dun affect my life as much as he does...

My heart juz ache everytime i saw his pic!

So, i hope i can devote my attention to Ridzwan although he actually has been treating me like a gf all along...

He's always so sweet.. that he almost melts my ice cold heart!

I took this pic last night aft a movie date with Ridzwan..

I think its already my 6th date with him and counting.. Wow!

I've never last for more than 2 dates with any guy.

Usually in that case if its more than 2 dates, then the guys will already be my boyfriend.

But, he and me haven't yet commit to each other.. Well kind of. But i think i like him.

Maybe i've fallen for him.. Hmm.. :)

Juz now... HE juz told me something so unexpected...
He's also a divorcee... Haizz... Why am i always stuck with a divorcee?

But when i think it again, maybe it's juz fated to be...
And.. he asked me again... whether we can be together...
But i am juz too afraid to give him an answer... :(
Is there such a thing as scared to be heartbroken again?

Today.. I'm meeting him yet again? Hmmm.... This definitely means something ryte?
Why am i agreeing to meet him so often if i do not have any feelings for him?
So confusing....

Dear Allah, Berikanlah aku petunjukmu sekali lage..

Mlm raya.. I went to geylang with Ridzwan...

Coz he asks me out yet again... :)

Dahlah mlm sblm tu dah pegi geylang sama2... hehe.. Dia temankan aku buat henna then he carry my bags.. So sweet!!

At first, kita gi metro je... to buy my handbag... Then we bought his clothes... And then baru gi geylang... First time gi geylang masa mlm raya... So pack!

Kat geylang, kitta jumpa radea jap.. tu pon plan mcm tak btol... Tak tau knape mcm mendak sey... Dahlah ramai org.. Abeh radea dah interrogate dia, dia mcm tak comfortable gitu...

Dahlah dia pemalu... So aku hint2 kat radea to juz drop the subject lah...

He is so sweet.. Temankan aku je mana aku nak pergi...

Panas plak tu... Org dah sesak2... tapi tis yr sumer org mcm tkda mood raya gitu.... tak tau knape.. Haizzz...

He's really a nice guy lah.. pergi & balik we took cab... Kesian dia...

Then mlm raya aft kita balik... i think he sound me again... The next morning, he msg me saying "gd morning baby.. Selamat hari raya, maaf zahir & batin.." I'm so touch lah.. coz no guy ever make that effort to even say such a sweet & simple word..

Then we discover that our baju colour really match.. coz we exchange photos afterwards... So sweet... Hehe.. I dunno why i'm happy lah... I dunno if i've fallen in love with Ridzwan...?

Btw, dats my pic on first day of hari raya... And the colour of this font is my baju raya colour.. :)

I dun have his pic to upload... but he looks handsome lah.. esp with his songkok... haha... duh!!

ANUGERAH AIDILFITRI......................

Disana apakah ertinya syawal...
Tangisan & rintihan tiada erti...
Alangkah hibanya di Aidilfitri...
Buminya bagai ambal duri...

Disini... hari ini.. Lebaran yg dinanti...
Sanubari bernyanyi suci murni...
Amalan dirahmati...

Pekerti lahir batin...
Sesuci sebersih lebaran ini...
Bersalam, bermaafan...
Keampunan keberkatan....

Berdendang sehalaman...
Bersaudara berpanjangan...
Yg malang jgn dilupa...
Ku syukurimu Rabbani...

Anugerah Aidilfitri... Indahnya hari ini...

Mari puji memuji kepada tuhan...
Titis kasihnya melimpah seluruh alam...
Mari puji memuji Tuhan yg Esa...
Insafi nikmat diberi di hari raya...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI KEPADA SEMUA... :)

Di sini... Ina ingin mengambil kesempatan ini utk mengucapkan:-

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI.....
MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN KPD SEMUA.....

Esp for..................

Norhasri Bin Yusoff.

Even though once again... we had failed to celebrate this Hari Raya together.
Maybe its juz not fated to be............

Suri Cruise gotta be the most adorable baby that i've seen.. Someday i hope to have a baby as cute as her... :)

Dear god...

Berilah.. aku petunjuk mu..

Kanan & kiri.. Bebas berlari..
Masih ku dihujani tohmah & caci..
Jgn sekali.. Aku diletak ke bawah..
Hanya krn jalan hidup yg susah..

Tak siapa diantara, kita di dunia..
Memilih jln hidup yg derita.. Aku sering dipersenda..
Dan sering dikecewa.. Oleh hati mereka..
Yg tak punya rasa....

Inginku mengecap bahagia..
Padamu kasih yg menjanjikan setia..
Namun belum sempat ku merasa...
Mimpi yg dibina..
Hati mudah berdarah semula...
Kerana dustanya...

The other day i felt like i'm willing to give a guy a chance.

His name is...

Shaizli.

But.. He's missing now.

Well, kind of.

He's in KL for a 2 mths plus business trip and the other day he come back to Singapore for a while.

He msg me once n then when i called the hp is off.

I thot we can at least buka together or somethg..

Well, he did asked me to wait for him.

But i'm not really so sure...

Effendy?

Ermm.... Its kinda hard to say.

I did like him once.

But i think he's a player.

The last time he contact me, he was with another girl.

And such a sugary sweet talker.

The most dangerous type of men.

Now, i'm not so sure... Again.

Haizz... :(

Matters of the heart are often a very complicated thing.

I'm sick & tired of ppl downgrading me and labelling me as a failure all my life.

Duh!!!

Stress!!!

I can't wait to see their faces when i became successful and throw in the money in their face!

Oklah, i know that i'm not so cruel..

But i'm realli2 sick of it. Malas nk dgr lage.

I really hope that one day ppl will take notice of my efforts & hardwork.

My Aims & Plans for the next 5 yrs:-

1) Oct 2007 onwards - Sign up for gym membership at Fitness First
2) Nov 2007-April 2008 - Take up a car license at Bukit Batok Driving Centre
3) By Dec 2007 - Must pass at least 2 financial exams
4) Jan 2008 - Get a new, improved & professional wardrobe.
5) Feb-March 2008 - Get a new job with at least $1,600.00 pay or maybe i can work first as an insurance agent? Will consider that.
6) Go holiday. Must.
7) Latest by Dec 2008 - Get a good & reliable but affordable car/Rent a house
8) Jan 2009 - Set up my own company.
9) Dec 2010 - Get married? Hahahaha... As if!

--> Plus the occassional spas, massages & facials.
Amin.......

This is what i get for WILL YOU GET RICH QUIZ??

Riches Are within Reach

No one's knocking on your door with a multimillion-pound check anytime soon, but, don't worry, you have the potential to live a prosperous life.

Life is what you make of it, which means you can't sit back and hope that wealth will find you. Instead, you have to learn to take advantage of opportunities that come your way, and even work at creating some opportunities yourself.

Whether that means more networking, socialising or education, you need to put in the required effort if you want to reach your goals. You also need to believe in your ability to succeed. So the next time something good happens to you, take note and ask yourself why it happened.

Chances are you did something to create that good fortune. Continue that self-propelling pattern, and that cheque with all the zeros may just land in your bank account one day.

:)

I was shy to make my move
That’s why I cried when you left my world
My life was full of loneliness
Unless I see u walking home
That’s when I started writing letters after letters after letters
It seems my papers running out faster

Gotta be gotta be my everything
You’ve got what I want
Gotta be gotta be my everything
You’ve got what I need
Gotta be gotta be my everything
Tell me what can I do
When I’m really really crazy over you

I’ve never cried like this
The words I wrote for you
I noticed you from far
But all you see is like I don’t give a damn
Boxes piling up
Are you going of
Im telling you its too tough
When I feel I almost had you but....

Part of Lyrics from Sleeq song titled "Almost But".
Such a romantic & sweet song isn't it?

COZ DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED,
YOU ARE STILL REALLY
MY EVERYTHING.............

I just dun understand..
Y do u keep viewing my profile?
Does that shows u miss me or just trying to irritates me?
Or ur own guilt is killing u?

I've tried to keep u out of my mind aft i've deleted ur no.
Luckily i didnt store it inside my head..
Or i've probably been msging u again.
N then u will start to act all weird n starts to ignore me.
Which i really hates.

N whenever i can't sleep. I kept thinking abt u.
Thats when i'll start calling random guys.
They must think that i'm a crazy girl.
All guys must think that i'm crazy.
Coz i'm very unpredictable.
Skejap manja, skejap marah, skejap happy, skejap sedih, skejap moody, skejap nak, skejap taknak.

I dun realli understand myself too.
I do want a r'ship but not with the wrong guy.
N since i can't determine which is the right guy,
i would tend to shut myself out from all guys.
Then i will start feeling guilty.
N dats when i will tend to blame him..

But wat makes me sad again was dat...
Its the fasting mth again n Hari Raya is nearing...
I do really hope that i can c'brate Aidilfitri with him this yr..
At that point when we contact back...
But alas...

I can't move on. Coz despite everythg, u are really my everythg.
The few months that i spend with u was probably the happiest moments in all my 21 years...
Which are not a lot btw.
I dunno what to say.
I know that a lot of guys are probably hating me ryte now.
Most of them are probably puzzled with my behavior.
I dunno if i will ever get married later on...

But hopefully if i can start that business, i will definitely work at least 12-16 hrs a day so that not a minute spend will get me thinking abt u.
Even as i'm writing this, my mind is still wandering....

So i guess i'll juz finish it off ryte here...
This is only to let off the burden from my mind.
Not abt reminiscing the past or watever thgs.

The other day... I've got a really fantastic business idea........
I used to dream to open a cafe, n then a wedding catering n then a fine dining mly cuisine restaurant...
But all these requires lots of money....
So i came out with a service type of business...

But its always the same probs abt the minimum capital n there are no one to guide me through it.......

I really2 hope i can make it... If i start this business
My boss is kinda my inspiration.... He used to be normal like me....
But now he's quite rich... With a few companies...
Dat's an excellent motivation..... :)

The only option abt this business is that... I've to really2 make it in the financial advisor line...
Save a few thousands... N then i can launch this business...
But the prob is.. My heart is not into it anymore...
Coz lately there are a lot of reports on it, that i felt scared..
Furthermore, its hard to pass the exam.. it requires a lot of money n lots n lots of efforts!

These few days i can't help thinking abt the mistake.
Damn you ridhwan!
I must erase it quickly or it will affect my life.
Guys are always the same i guess...
No need for me to live in a fairytale world anymore.

Btw... Guess what?
The other day i got to know a guy thru msn...
N he turns out to be someone that i know frm the past...
Effendy!!

I kinda forget abt him.. But i refer back to my old journal/diary, now i understand why it happens...
But its okay.. Its kinda nice to have ur old frenz back...
Esp since u've change so much in these past few years that u've barely know urself...

I dunno if i'll ever get married... But i prefer not to think abt it...
Of course every women dreamt of having a nice home n a loving husband with adorable childrens...
But if it happens that i'm not destined to be all that, aku cuma berserah kpd tuhan...
Yg penting, i must succeed in my life despite all the probs that kept on appearing...

Signing off,
natasha fazlini

Dear God,
Please forgive me for all my sins...
Yesterday was a complete mistake.

Anyway, Ina ucapkan Selamat Berpuasa Kepada Semua umat muslimin........... :)

Semoga this month of Ramadhan yg mulia, akan membawa lebih byk manfaat kpd semua.... Amin.

Yay! I'm so happy that got my first pay raise.. :)
My boss just talk to me just now and it will start towards the end of this month...
Hehe..
Maybe i'll just stay here until end of this year or early next year before moving on to my next job. Happy!!

Last Sun.. It was so hectic in my house.

My damn of brother out of sudden hit my sister and her teeth broke.

Then he hit a drink n caused the drink to spill in my room.

I was so furious that i hit him back n said words that i didn't meant to.

Then my stepmum was juz smilling. Damn her too!

So happy to see my sibling shattered like this.

Then my auntie n uncle come down to check on her.

Luckily, it can be mended.

That's all that i can say. I hope all this nightmare will be over aft i rent an apartment.

Amin.

Aku betol2 tak faham dgn family aku...
In what way am i not a good, unfaithful daughter, granddaughter & niece yg tak mengenang jasa/budi, kacang lupakan kulit?
My ears had enough of hearing all that that rubbish!!

In what way am i so bad that they are completely ashamed of me?
I'm merely doing these coz i felt so betrayed by them..
Those who called themselves my family..
Who pretend to love & care abt me!!!

My dad.. jgn harap.. I stop depending, talking to him much last 11 yrs when he don't give a damn abt me. Don't give a damn abt an innocent child who just lost a mother & doesn't want a stepmother!!!
So he can't really blame anyone except himself that he have a huge burden on his shoulders b'coz of his mistakes & carelessness...
I really pity all my 9 younger siblings... Coz i love them the most.. They are afterall my flesh & blood. And.. They are the innocent party who's the result of ignorant adults!!!

I work hard to earn this money.. and its not as if i dun wanna give them the money. First few mths of my job, i have to pay for the various bills... and all the thgs that i have to buy... which i have been deprived off...
I did gave my grandparents some money the first few mths but i refused to give my dad coz i juz felt that he's the cause of it all.. and yes he did do 50% of his part as a dad.. but not 100%.
So i dont think that i should be the 100% loyal daughter. Furthermore its better that i gave the money to my siblings or give them a treat. He has deprived us enough of money.. being so damn stingy & all.
But of course ventually one day, i will give him money but definitely not now.
Itu pon everytime slalu nak sindir2 aku duduk pat umah dia tak bayar.
Even though i hardly touch the thgs n food n watever except for the bed & the room and electricity & water.

Then from aug last yr to this yr march when i stayed at my auntie place, my own auntie which i thought i could depend on.. Start demanding money from me... Although she did it so subtle-ly.. she did talk to everyone behind my back.. which is just so wrong and it did really hurts me a lot... Coz i felt like no one can be trusted anymore. But my grandparents nvr understands that.
EVERYTHG as what it seems are all my FAULT. Not THEM.

Then last june, my auntie (which is my uncle's wife) is even more worst.. Always targetting for ppl mistakes. I have been living in that house for 11 yrs and she, who juz came into my life, was like so damn arrogant!! Thinking that it's her house n such that i'm not allowed to do anythg to it. Kept checking the house & pointing out my mistakes as if she's the perfect one!!! And it all happen b'coz she knows my uncle is in Dubai and she acts like a mistress. She even asks her maid to spy me. Duh! What a lowly creature.

I still remember her words clearly. (With a snobbish, arrogant tone!)
"YOU LISTEN TO ME. THIS IS MY HOUSE. NOT YOUR GRANDPARENT'S HOUSE. SO YOU MUST FOLLOW WHATEVER I SAY IF YOU WANNA STAY IN THIS HOUSE. AND DON'T YOU DARE TO COMPLAINT TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS THAT I SAY THESE THG TO YOU."

At that point of time.. my hatred towards her was to the maximum.

I swear that i won't even touch my feet into that house again if its not for my grandparents. And they really enjoyed gossiping behind my back. She's not even that perfect. Masa baru2 kahwin, ppl are talking abt her too. And how can she compared that damn pampered good life of hers to my complicated life of hell???
She doesn't even deserve to advise me apa lage to talk to me in that kind of snobbish tone (that i don't think even Victoria Beckham or Paris Hilton would have ever done)!

She can take that damn house of hers. I would buy mine some day with my own money.... Titik peluh aku sendiri... Thats a promise!
And one thg is for sure... If i have a lots & lots of money, i will surely just throw any amt of money to them... No need for them to talk & called me names again..

Now they are saying that i'm an unfaithful, tak mengenang budi girl coz i didn't visiy my auntie anymore (for the obvious reasons) and i seldom visit my grandparents anymore (for that damn auntie reasons) and they think like i was enjoying my life in my dad's house!

What do they know? When the difficulties and hard times struck? When sometimes that i don't eat, when i feel sick.. Sometimes my grandma did ask me to come over when she cook some fav dishes for me (its really a pity) but i won't go as long as that auntie is there. I am not being a bitch. She is.

My uncle would be so dissapointed if he knows abt it.

I can't even imagine what this year Hari Raya would be like... :(

Don't get me wrong, i really love my grandparents but sometimes their thinking is too old-fashioned and they don't really think that ADULTS do make mistakes too.

I don't know what they are fussing abt since its not like i spend lavishly. Its just that its a matter of bad luck & unlucky-ness of my 21 years of life... Coz afterall, i'm not born with a silver (or gold!) spoon in my mouth.

That is why sometimes i juz dont understand why some ppl got so much to complaint abt their life when theirs is not that bad at all.
Diff between & them, i dont ever complaint to my friends that i have such a sucks life. Coz i try to stay positive all the time but some of them are complaining abt their lives as if its the end of the world!!! Its hard to take it sometimes.. Coz when ur life is already full of shit, why do u still wanna surround urself with more negative thgs ryte? But alas.. what to do.. a friend is still a friend.

"I just felt that there are so many thgs that i've been deprived off since i was a kid.. the love, the unsufficient money, cannot overnite, cannot go out, cannot wear this and that, yeah i agree that its for my own good.. but its kinda suffocating sometimes.
And when i'm a bit older and started to do thgs my own way.. The kinda life that i wanted to live.. And.. I was accused of being a rebel and kurangajar.. What more can i say??
I just swear that i will work hard to change my life so that ppl won't look down on me anymore. I am a survivor coz life really teaches me how to be strong and to be more determined of a successful life."

*THIS BLOG IS PURELY OF MY PERSONAL LIFE. NOTHING GOT TO DO WITH OTHERS.

Signing off,
Natasha Fazlini

Help!! I really like the new baby pink timepiece (the silver one is also nice...) from
JUICY COUTURE!!!

Very nice leh....... Hopefully somebody will buy it for me.. Lolz!!!

Hmm... i'm really worried with the thgs that i have to buy every single month... (that i'm overspending!!!)
i dont think that my current pay is sufficient enough... Here are the lists on why every end of the mth, i'm barely left with a single cents...

*Make-ups
*Skincare products
*Facial care products
*Hair products
*Entertainment (movies.. etc)
*Clothes (I've already try to limit it)
*Bags & shoes... etc.
*Occasional facials & spas treatment.
*Plus food (occasional treats like pizza hut & swensens) & transportation (inc. taxis).

I'm thinking how am i ever gonna afford to live comfortably?
How ehk? Through my own efforts or find a rich bf?

Signing off...
Natasha Fazlini

I can read your mind...
and I know your story.
I see what you're going through.
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry..
But I know it will come to you..
Don't surrender 'cause you can win...
In this thing called love..

When you want it the most there's no easy way out...
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt...
Don't give up on your faith.
Love comes to those who believe it...
And that's the way it is...
When you question me for a simple answer...
I don't know what to say, no...
But it's plain to see, if you stick together...
You're gonna find a way, yeah...
So don't surrender 'cause you can win...
In this thing called love...
When you want it the most there's no easy way out...
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt...
Don't give up on your faith...
Love comes to those who believe it...
And that's the way it is...

When life is empty with no tomorrow...
And loneliness starts to call...
Baby, don't worry, forget your sorrow...
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all...
When you want it the most there's no easy way out...
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt...
Don't give up on your faith...
Love comes to those who believe it...
And that's the way it is...

--> This is a good song... From Celine Dion...

I really hope that on one fine day.........
My prince will come and find me to take me away from all these troubles and pretences in this world.
My whole life has been a pretence...
With no real happiness to begin with.

Now.. I have no more willpower to survive.....
The will just evaporates.. gone like the way i failed that test yesterday.
Coz.. Its hard to survive when you're just a nobody, poor and trying to make somethg out of myself but with no moral supports...
Cannot depends on others.. when you know that with every help that they give, they will always expect somethg in return.

Duh!! When will you ever learnt!

I wanna live a happy & contented life...
Everybody wanna lives a happy life...
But sometimes it juz seems that the choice is really not in our hands.

Signing off,
NATASHA FAZLINI

Today is a really2 bad day for me... :(
Its supposed to be my exam day for my M5.
I'm kinda excited lah coz i hope to passed..
And i got to know that this guy that i know.. pernah amek exam nie dulu..
And he wants to share his notes lah watsoever...
Then he seems kinda nice lah n said he can fetch me from work since my exam kul 7 pm.
And there's no way i can make it on time unless i take a cab which i am actually got no budget at all at the moment.
Alhamdulillah....
In the morng, it all turns out well.. But the prob is during aftnoon he didn't reply my msg and i thot ok.. maybe he was sleeping...
And then smp ptg tak reply another msg.. so i called him...
Dia kata dia nak kuar umah.. Then dats not a reason for him not to call me..
I suspect that he juz woke up actually...
But i juz calm myself.. coz aft that he msg me yg he's on the way...
Then aft that i waited for him mcm tak smp2.. Then i called him many times and he didn't pick up the fone..
And i was at lost... Dunno wat to do.. Then suddenly i was crying at the bus stop..
Coz firstly, my money was not enough to take a cab (which is hard to get in the first place at tuas)..
secondly, if i were to take a bus to boon lay n then withdraw money.. it'll be too late for me to take a cab.. Dats y i'm at lost..
Luckily my colleague who got a lorry, stopped.. And ask me to go inside..
And they took me to Suntec.. But i kept crying all the way...
I juz can't describe the feeling.. coz i was dissapointed that somebody could do this to me.. As this thg is very important to me.. Esp for my future...
I was 25 mins late... Lucky they accept me in... But i was having a headache from all that crying..
And at last i FAILED it!

Sometimes........
I just felt that i miss you a lot......
I do hope that we will be together again.....
But at last, a past is still a past......
Unless if u can turn back the time......

Thanks to you. You've driven me to this state of loneliness & confusion. I can't even describe the feeling.......
No other guy can even match up to the feelings that i had for you.
After you, its hard for me to find a guy.
Coz everytime they touch me, i will think of you.

Sometimes, i still see you in one my dreams....
Sometimes, i dreamt abt you in my sleep....
Sometimes, i still see your illusions whenever i go.....
Sometimes, i still see your smile in my mind....
Sometimes, i would wonder what its like to be your wife......

I don't understand.
My period is finishing.. And i'm still feeling moody and helpless..
and so very the tired!!

I'm so restless.. And i especially really hates this feeling when u are all poor and constantly thinking of when & where to get more money.
Damn.
I didn't manage to save my money again.. :(
And.. he's offering me money again.. Should i take it when i'm so in need of it right now? Even though i know that its not the ryte thg?
Coz i definitely know that money can't buy LOVE.

And i'm so damn hungry too.
Which makes me..
Kept thinking abt him. Think & think & think again.
I wonder where he is now.. what's he is doing n so on...

God pls help me!!!
Let me be a successful person for once in my life... Amin.