Saturday, 22/12/07, 11 pm:

I know that i told ya that yesterday will be my last blog...

But i can't help it coz i'm really sick today. Plus really sad too.
So i felt that i should let out my feelings since there's nobody that can help me.
I didn't even go out with anybody today.

I think there's no more life left in me. That's why i'm so weak today.

God, pls help me...
Pls show me the right path whether i should or should not continue this r'ship?

I will feel very bad if i leave him coz i know that it's not his choice to be sick & it's not his fault that he's acting this way.
But on the other hand, it also makes me suffer... If i have to endure this, then there'll be no more meaning in my life anymore.

Friday, 21/12/07, 11.30 pm:

I felt like that i've missed him very much.. but i have to be really strong.
I must see if he failed this test or not.
Only 2 short mths & our r'ship had became the sort of r'ship like a 20 yrs old r'ship.
It has lost its touched & romance and its not getting stronger.
I really can't live a life full of sins,stressed,feeling of unloved,lack of trust..
When i saw him doing all the thgs that he have been doing since the illness, i could just see the traces & imagine what his life had been in the past.
So full of.......... sins & lowly life.
I don't care abt his past. As long as he did not repeat the same mistakes again.
But.. i just felt like...
The sweet & respectable part of him that i fell in love with is gone....................
He kept saying that i can't expect him to be the same all the time.. that his perangai at diff2 places are not the same.. but, ppl dun juz change in a blink of eyes ryte?
Does not even bother to make an effort to call or msg me anymore...
I really hope that i didn't make the wrong choice in life.
For me, marriage is a life long commitment.. and to pick the wrong guy as a husband is as gd as killing myself now.
Maybe you thought that i dun really love you..
But some thgs are just not meant to be said..
Maybe if aft this, we are not meant to be together, i will not find anyone anymore.
Unless if my family finds soeone for me then i will have to accept it.

This will be the last blog that i will write for this year.
Wishing you all a happy new year and i hope that 2008 will brings me so much more happiness rather than sadness.
That's my one & only wish that as long as i live in happiness... everythg that i've experienced, every pain & sadness that i felt will go away.

I dun understand why a random guy would even bother to msg me Selamat Hari Raya when my own guy didn't even reply my Selamat Hari Raya wish... Pelik kan...

I nearly cried when i saw the name that msg me was a diff name coz i was actually hoping it's him. And the best part was.. the guy's name happen to be Ridzwan too...

I think the flames just died when i didn't wanna to do anythg with him... i guess...

I knew that i did not imagine it when i said that i felt that he's changed aft he's sick............



Anyway i was thinking that, if i were to set up a joint account with him, i'm scared that if sumthing happens to the r'ship, there will be more trouble later on...

When the r'ship is only two months old, it's generally not strong enuff.. And when ujian alih2 melanda mcm gini, its really hard for the heart to take it..................................

2007: THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE GOOD & THE BAD.

Its nearing Christmas & New Year. Time flies so fast huh..
Tak lama lage dah nk msk 2008. And i'll be 22. Wow!

Nowadays i felt like there's sumting missing in my life. Like its getting too routine.
Pergi kerja, balik kerja. Sumtimes jumpa Wan. Itu aje.. so bored..
I need to do new things to make my life more interesting...
All my friends are lost. Dunno where they all go.

Everyday is like the same. Plus i have much to think about abt my future, abt him.
So its kinda stressful.. dunno why...

I dun like it. 2007 is not really a gd year but its not exactly a bad year..
Not as bad as 2006, i know.
3 break ups in a year. Wow!

But 1 thg i can say is that i've met a lot & lots of diff characters this yr that i'm convinced that human beings are indeed an unique creature.

Only one thg that saves this year from becoming a bad yr..
But that's only because i met & fall in love with him. :)

But lately... I felt diff lah.. dunno how to say. Its not that i wanna say that i dun love him anymore.
But its just that our r'ship is a bit diff aft he falls sick. We don't meet as often..
Dun msg as often.. Dun talk as often.. Can't email as often coz he's not working..
And he doesn't seems as happy & funny anymore...
Yeah.. maybe its due to the pressure & stress.
So i shld learnt to be more understanding kan...

My job? Nah.. i dun enjoy my job as much as i used too..
Because i found that lately sharon likes to create sumthing that is not even my mistakes.
She is definitely a gd & fun friend to everybody but if i have to rate her as a colleague..
She fails. I just can't describe it. She's not a bad person. I kinda like her.
Its just that she did not take work seriously and dumps all the thgs to me.
And then when sumting happens, she sort of blames me.
And i got no one to talk too.. since i can't talk to Joanna coz i'm scared that she's grown closer to Sharon & Sandy is out of picture lah since we are not even in the same dept.
That's why if can i wanna change job asap but at the same time, i also need that bonus.
Aku hope Tuhan beri aku kesabaran utk tempuh lage a few months at Showtec.

Since this yr, 2007, i've become officially 21 (an adult), i've matured a lot and i've fully understand the meaning of r'ship.
Its not abt the thrill, monkey love, sex or any of that craps.
The purpose of you getting married & become a couple is that for you to have a companion, a soulmate,a listening ear, a moral support that will go thru ups & downs with you, who appreciate you for being there in times of need, who will care for you when you're sick, who will stand up for you when you're bullied, who will grow old with you & provide you with love.
Sex is only a bonus that comes with it.
So.. why does ppl always prioritise sex when they can just treasure the r'ship & be thankful that they hav found someone that they love?

Highlights of the year:

1) Zali nk patch up balik aft that disaster break up under Charley's blk.
2) Dino nk patch up balik but i tell him off during his birthday.
3) Stead & break off with Joe.
4) Had a on & off friendship going to r'ship with Addey.
5) Hasri nk patch up balik BUT at last he's not................................ sincere enuff!
6) Kene tgl dgn these two design guys in a nowhere destination that does not hav any bus or taxi.
7) Kene threaten to kene tglkan with this guy who demanded that i kiss him as a b'dae kiss.
8) Kene threaten that i'm an ungrateful, scheming fucking bitch by an Indian divorcee guy that pretends to be a mly just because he's a convert.
9) Kene harassed with this negro s-league footballer who claimed to be so in love with me...
10) Kene halau 2 times dgn my own dad.
11) Kene backstab with my own aunts.
12) Had two unplanned & unnecessary "flings" with two guys which i regret a lot & lots.
13) Known a lot & lots of guys at Showtec.. which makes me confused.
14) Change job from part time to full time then to another full time job.
15) Kene threaten by a Showtec part timer's crazy girlfriend.
16) Nearly stead with Effendy or Shaizli.
17) Involved in lots & lots of part time/independent jobs that i thought could make money.
18) Became more renggang & jauh with my own best friend.
19) Then i met & fall in love with him (My guy).

Why did i fall in love with him?

First of all i have to say that i used to dislike older guys. Esp one more than 10 yrs.
I remember when a fren of mine stead with a guy 7 yrs older.. ppl was like making a big deal with it.
But now since i'm older & i had an experienced steadying with an older guy b4 (although its unintentional) i dun really mind abt it..
Secondly, he's a divorcee.. when i was younger, i nvr imagine that i wld stead with a divorcee. But i've learnt to accept it simce there are so many divorcee nowadays.
Out of 10 guys that i know, maybe 4 will be a divorcee.. I dun really mind as long as i know that the divorce is not caused by them (eg: abusive marriage, drunkard, jobless..etc)
I just take it that they are not meant to be together and they choose the wrong ones to be their partners. How abt their children? I don't mind too as long as they can accept me.

Out of all the guys above & lots more that i've known this yr... why did i choose him ehk?

I'm still trying to find the ans too since we are definitely the opp of each other..
Maybe b'coz his determination is high and he does not give up easily..
Maybe because i'm attracted to his shyness (which is now gone btw...)
Maybe because he just come at the right time & at the right moment..
Maybe because we instantly clicked on the first meeting...
Maybe because he always makes me happy & he's so sweet...
Maybe because mmg jodoh aku dah tertulis with him................

Whatever it is.. that's all that i can write about 2007.
Hope that 2008 will be more meaningful with him by my side & i hope i learnt more.
Hope i can get a better job & get married.
Amin...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA TO ALL...
Semoga diberi cahaya yg baru & keinsafan pd semua..

I've just found out something from the Internet.

Valium Abuse and Addiction:
Valium is a benzodiazepine with properties of being a sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, amnestic and muscle relaxant drug. Valium is generally used to treat short term moderate to severe anxiety or insomnia. The drug has been shown to lead to the development of tolerance, physiological and psychological dependency when used for long periods.

Uses of Valium:
Valium is useful for the management of anxiety disorders or for the short-term relief of the symptoms of anxiety. In cases of acute alcohol withdrawal, Valium may be useful in the relief of hallucinations, paranoia, acute agitation, tremors, or acute delirium tremens. Valium is a useful for the relief of muscle spasms, spasticity caused by neurological disorders (e.g. cerebral palsy and paraplegia), stiff-man syndrome; and tetanus.

Side Effects of Valium Include:
CNS- lethargy, fatigue, difficulty walking, mental confusion, depression, difficulty with speech, headache, dizziness, tremor and sleepiness GI: constipation, nausea, vomiting GU: loss of bladder control, impotence, failure to maintain erection Heart- slow heart rate, low blood pressure and shock. HEENT: altered vision, double vision, Skin: skin rash, urticaria. Other: hiccups, mouth dryness, liver problems Sometimes an individual will develop paradoxical reactions to valium which may include anxiety, hyperexcitation, hallucinations, increased muscle spasticity, insomnia, anger and insomnia. All individuals who take long term valium should have their liver function regularly monitored.

Dependence:
Long-term valium usage generally leads to some form of tolerance and/or dependence. It is estimated that up to 50 percent of patients prescribed diazepam for 6 months at therapeutic dosages are physically dependent. Withdrawal symptoms due to abrupt discontinuation may include • Insomnia • Anxiety • panic attacks • fast heart rate/palpitations • Hypertension • Depression • Tremors/ hyperactivity • sweating • Loss of appetite • agitation and mental clouding Therefore, any individual on long-term or high dosage of valium should be slowly and carefully weaned off the drug, preferably under medical supervision by a physician who is a specialist in addiction medicine. Withdrawal symptoms can usually be avoided or minimized by use of a long half-life benzodiazepine and very gradually tapering off the drug over a period of many weeks or even months.

DEAR,

I'M SO VERY SAD TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.............

I THINK I'VE COMPLETELY LOST IT.

MANA NAK DEAL WITH BPK AKU YG BELO AND THEN HE'S IGNORING ME OUT OF SUDDEN.

ONLY GOD KNOWS THE PAIN & HURT.

MIGHT AS WELL I DIE RATHER THAN I FEEL THIS PAIN AGAIN.

DATS WHY I DUN WANNA BE IN A R'SHIP ANYMORE ONLY IF IT BRINGS YOU PAIN & MORE PAIN.

I USED TO THINK THAT HE WON'T EVER HURT ME.

BUT TODAY PROVES TO BE DIFFERENT.

I"M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HIM BUT HE, HIMSELF DOESN'T WANTS ME TO UNDERSTAND HIM.

MAYBE YOU THINK THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU BUT.......................

ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

Ya Allah..
I thank you for giving him back to me, and for giving us a chance to be together.
Yeah of course i was afraid of losing him...
But you must know that i am just a normal human being afterall and i'm not that strong if u kept giving me more ujian yg i'm afraid that i'm not able to take.
I will continue to be strong to live my life but i've gone thru so much and i'm afraid that one day will be weak and gonna lose it..
Ya Allah,
Berikanlah hambamu ini kekuatan utk menempuhi segala cabaran ini.
Berikanlah aku kebahagiaan di dalam alam perkahwinan nanti.
Dun let this love fades away & dun let him change.
And.. pls block all my ears, heart & thoughts from ppl that likes to complicate and hurt my r'ship with him.
Amin.

Friday. 141207. 2130.

Dunno how to describe my feelings ryte now.

Sad.
Confused.
Angry.
Dissapointed.
Stressed.
Unhappy.
Moody.
Tired.

I dun understand why you're suddenly so different frm the guy that i used to know.

Like suddenly so weird u know. I felt so weird.

N.. I dun understand why out of the sudden you got this some kind of illness that came out of nowhere.

N, i've asked you before abt this and you've said no u dun have any..

SO.. WHY so sudden?

N furthermore u're always scaring me and sumtimes i can't barely understand what u're talking abt.

N mostly the only thg that i understand was that u always said that i'm gonna leave you.

Which is like unreasonable.. I've got no reasons to leave unless u're the one who's making the reason for me to leave you ryte...........

You're making me so stress dear... n i can't concentrate on my work at all.

Haizz..
You should have known why i cried yesterday...
Coz it hurts me a lot to see you in pain. :(
Then u kept saying that i'm gonna leave you and if somethg happens to you.. that i have to forgive you..
I don't understand that & i dun wanna understand that.
I really hope you'll get well soon...

WEDNESDAY 12.12.07 14.30:

I called NUH just now..

He's inside the EMERGENCY AGAIN!

God.. why do i have to bear all this torture?

Why can't i just have a calm & peaceful life without any pain & worries?

Please dun let anythg happen to him.

I wanted to cry again... :(

11/12/07:

Yesterday, i was on mc.

During evening, i was really frantic for nearly 5 hours coz my bf was suddenly hospitalized...

Dunno where to find him.. Dunno whom to call... Decided to call NUH and they said that he's in Emergency..

Dunno how many boxes of tissue i've used.. (Okay, that's a bit exagerating..)

Luckily, everythg was okay coz i was imagining the worst thg possible...

Thank god for everythg! I've prayed so hard for his safety and.. he has given us another chance to be together.

I was thinking if God were to take him away from me, i will not find another guy anymore coz i'm tired of starting a new relationship again.

I will leave everything to fate. Thanks again to you Allah.

I may not be a gd follower.. but.. i still have the faith & i still believe in you.

08/12/07

I really had a wonderful day today with my dear coz i've missed him so much...

But it kind of ended up in a bad way.. Coz i felt kinda hurt by what he said...

N in the end..... he cried on the phone b'coz of me.. :(

Felt really bad abt it.. Coz.. It's really not worth his tears to cry for me.. But i'm deeply touched by it..

Maybe coz no one ever cried for me before...

I think if there's ever a guy who ever cried that bad because of you.. That means he really truly loves you from the bottom of his heart...

I'm so sorry that i ever doubt your love, baby.................................

So upset sey now...

Why did she "buih" me sey?

Thot we are supposed to meet today... :(

Dah lama sey plan.. then at last jadi mcm gini?

Yesterday... Sharon told me not to get married coz her friend is going thru a divorce aft nine months of marriage and their lil baby is just 2 months old.

She said that their differences are too great for them to live together.

SO funny ryte? And the guy got another women already.

Sharon said for what they have the baby in the first place? Pity the baby ryte..

Then got another friend of hers which is divorce and both the parent dun wanna take in their two sons.

Reason coz the wife is lay off frm her job coz she took so many leave to spy on her husband and the husband dun wanna their kids coz he already got another woman.

WOW! Pity their kids kan...

There are so many divorces nowadays... thats why i'm scared to get married.

But if ever my marriage end up in a divorce(choy!), i will continue to be strong.

I'm not even sure whether i should blog abt this or not...

But for sure this will be my last entry on my family.

I can't even describe abt how i feel ryte now?

Sometimes i felt so lost that i almost did something that will lead me to a diff path in life.

I know the feeling of sadness will come and go.

But the hurt that you felt can last you a very long, long time...

For sure, i have believed that ppl who have suffered a lot in life will one day regain their happiness.

The "Hikmah" will come to those who believe in fate.

But, i've waited for a long 12 yrs of pain.. waiting for that a lil bit of happiness to come...

Yeah.. shopping, going out can give you the extra bit of happiness..

But its still not the same as having the love of a COMPLETE family..

And the unconditional pure love of giving but not expecting something in return...

That can only be found in a mother's love.

That's why i remember that i've grown attached to that Hanis gerl.. Zali's fren niece.. Such a cute, pretty lil gerl...

But so pitiful and unwanted by the family members...

Even her own mother doesn't want her.. I ever wonder what kind of mother is she?

You can feel the touched when she asked me whether i could be her mum?

Coz she said that her mum doesn't want her.. Such a poor thing..

I would surely have taken her to live with me if i have my own house.

But now, i can't see her anymore.. Since i'm not with Zali anymore.

I miss her so much!!

I used to believe in that fairytale crap with a happy ending.. which is completely unreasonable.

Which can lead to more broken hearts.

And i've always known that i still have a long way to go in life..

I'm not even sure of the path that i wanna take. That's not very good for a 21 yr old ryte.

If i could, then i wish i could dissapear far, far, far away......... into a land with no sadness.

As if that could ever happen.......

Maybe someone could just come and take me away??

Dissapointed in you.

I'm trying to help as a friend..

How can you ask ur gf to do that to ppl?

Ckp ikut sesuka hati je...

Why dun u talk to me instead?

That is so coward of you.

Aft this, i hope dun bother to msg me again.

I've long leave the world of ppl like you & ur gf.

Yeah maybe there's no one to help & protect me now when i'm in need like last time..

But i sure know that God will protect me always.

I hate you. Hate you very much.

I'm doing a favour for you and you dare to talk to me like that!!!!!!!!!

I'm already sick now and you have to make my day more....gosh.......

I muz control myself..

God.. why is life always unfair.

I'm so so sorry dear...

I didn't meant to make you angry...

Now i can't sleep coz i know that u're still angry with me...
:(