Ya Allah... Bermacam2 dugaan dan tohmahan yg aku terima...
Bilakah akan tercapai kebahagiaan? Aku tidak sekuat itu.
Suami yg kusedari tidak dpt bersama di kala susah.. Bagaimana?

Actually this is the most taboo topics in our community and i can't believe that i am actually blogging abt it. Marriage kind of open my eyes abt things that i cant imagine.
First of all, you may ask this question on how well do you know your partner? This cld lead to the anwer for my topic today.
Sex/Sexual relationship.

Quote: A word of advise for "virgin brides" and any women who postpones engaging in all forms of sexual activity until they are in their twenties or later.. Women who do so, often value their virginity greatly or else they would not have waited for so long to become sexually active. As such, it means a lot to them and they have high sexual expectations regarding their first time. The problem lies in having had no past sexual experiences you are probably not ready for intercourse, or for that matter, anything more than hugging or kissing. My advise to these women is to slowly develop their sexual skills one at a time over an extended period of time before having intercourse with their partner. It might be a wiser choice to celebrate your first anniversary by having intercourse for the first time versus doing so on the night of your wedding when you are probably stress and tired. You are likely going to be married for years.. so there is no need to try and do everything on the first night or first week. The thrill of doing it wld not wear off if you wait, if anything, the anticipation will grow as you and your partner develop your sexual relationship. In addition, it is usually not good for marriage or commited relationship if pregnancy occurs within the first year."

It makes me think of my own experience so far...
On why does my sexual life becomes such a mess?

There are many factors included such as:
1) Inconsiderate and un-caring husband. Does not bother to foreplay or read up on first time sex, old-fashioned thinking on woman have to give in to sex for first night n even though in pain. Did not know how to pacify n make thgs comfortable for the wife.
2) My fear of pain n no basic knowledge on sex.
3) Traditional family with old fashioned thinking that do not talk abt sex.
4) Low trust in husband. Scared that he wld hurt you.
5) Does not explore myself sexually down there.
6) Put so much hopes n expectations for hubby coz he's experience.
7) Putting the blame on each other.
8) Husband easily gives up and can't maintain an erection...

I am really sad abt this happening in my marriage... n i really hope that I cld overcome this. Its so early in a marriage n i felt that I am becoming less a women... I am confident that I wld overcome it. Amin...

Dear blog... nowadays.. i am not feeling so mopey n depressed anymore..
coz i have my positive attitude back.. I am so looking forward to the new house... :)
I really hope that it wld come true. I wanted to start a new life.
I really think that God has some great plans for me.. that's why he gave me all these problems to test me... I am trying to be positive n work very hard for my future... To overcome this. I wld do anything for my baby/babies.

As you wld know, the only great thg abt this year, 2010, which happens to be my year, the year of Tiger, is my wedding (which is partially spoilt) n my trip to bali (as part of my honeymoon). Other than dat, it was a bad year... even all of bulan puasa n hari raya is not the same... I do not have mood to celebrate n my first day of Hari Raya was ruined.. With sinus, headache, cries n migraines... N i cld swear dat my parents-in-law, dislike me less now because of that incident... :(

But its okay, I wld prove to them in other ways that i'm worthy...
I meant they r nicest parents in law... n I really wanted to present them with somethg meaningful that can't be bought with money... I really really hope that I wld overcome these problems soon.......
I really really really want this to work out.
Even though sometimes, I think that why is dis happening to me?
It seems unfair... it does seems very easy for other people who do not even appreciates their blessings. But I know dat dis is actually a blessing in disguise.
Deep in my heart I cld sense it dat happiness wld be with me someday.....

I got this from the net... Its kinda funny...
N I think my vagina is telling me that I didn't bother to get to know my own vagina and also sometimes Wan doesn't treat me right...
So my vagina always clamp up.... Lol!

What is your vagina trying to tell you?

1) How can you want me to open with a man when u never even look at me or say my name out loud. Please get to know me before asking me to open up to others.. (LOL!)

2) I'm not physically ready for sex! I need more time/knowledge/trust/ lube/information/ precautions! (Yes, I have lots of knowledge now...)

3) I want to test your partner.. if 2night I don't open up as you wish, I want to see how he takes it, if he respects u or gets mad at u. Thank me! (LOL!)

4) I’m so confused and scared about sex, I mean, mom says it's bad before marriage, God says that too, my boyfriend says he’ll leave me if I don’t do it, my best friend says sex is beautiful, I read that my hymen will break… Please reassure me a bit! (What I used to think... LOL!)

5) Hello? mind? heart? are you sure you really want to have sex tonight?? cause I don't think so! Will you take me seriously for once? I don't want to have sex tonight!!"

6) I don't want to work under this mental pressure to perform! I'm having stage fright!! And you keep telling me bad things too!

7) Ouch, that hurt! If you keep having sex this way or let him have his way, I’m gonna get really hurt.. Since you’re not listening to me, then you leave me no choice but shutting down.

8) I dont like the partner you chose! Who is this guy anyway?? He’s no good for you.. Don’t get fooled. Don't force him in me! There’s a reason if I’m closing. Get the hint!

9) I am not ready to have a child, at all. No contraceptive is 100% safe. Don't get me pregnant..!

10) Mmhh...I think the ovaries are not feeling too good... There may be some cyst near here.. Since they can't get the message through to you, I’m ringing a bell to get your attention before it’s too late. You need to go see a doctor!

Historically, vaginas have been told to shut up ALL THE TIME, they have been subtly taught they shouldn’t be heard nor seen..

They should be used, not understood..
They should open and close at a male’s command, not at their own will.

It’s small wonder that women have suffered from vaginismus all over the world. Now, vaginismus gives you a chance to LISTEN to something ancient, profound and mythical.

If you feel she’s a complete stranger for you, you may want to check the Vulvar Anatomy section and get to know her.
Sometimes fixing vaginismus is not worth half the happiness and self-confidence that a long-lasting friendship with your vagina will give you.

So get in vagina’s shoes, it can make a world of difference to finally listen to her.

Dear Blog,

Its been so long that I have not written here... Today I felt like pouring out my heart...
Its been nearly one month plus that I'm married...
A beautiful wedding (With a bit of cacat cela because of his ex) and a beautiful bali honeymoon (With no happy ending)
What I dream of in my married life... had all been shattered.
Sadness and depression are endless now...
Its not that Wan and me always quarell or our personality clashes...
We always click so well with each other... Understands each other so well...
I could still remember the night, when he was all down and shattered coming home, and thats when he fell into my arms and we cried together...
It was so painful... I was hurting too... N I still have to be strong for both of us.
Its all the external problems.
I guess... Everybody has their own problems in life....
I can't really accept that these thgs are happening to me right after my marriage...
Fate, to me, is cruel and unfair.
But, every life challenges would make you more stronger.
A stronger and better person. And hikmah beneath it.
Sometimes, I feel like giving up... But if I believe that I am a strong person,
I would work hard to fight these problems.
First of all, I did think why me?
I work so hard to reach my dream of being married and becoming someone's wife...
N I really love my husband so much... N he loves me so much....
So, where is the problem?? Lots & lots of it... N what's the hikmah??

1) Vaginismus = Sex
Hikmah: To learn and appreciate making love, treasure your partner, make love in a romantic way after overcoming, treasure what you can't achieve before, the treatment cld benefit you during childbirth, gynae check ups...
2) Cancer scare. Really hope what the doctor is right.
Hikmah: To be more careful in future, protect your health better, live a healthy life, do more check ups...
3) Husband losing job.
Hikmah: For him not to take his job for granted, work hard in a new job, maybe he wld find a better job, Allah wld open up a better path for him....
4) Losing our future house.
Hikmah: Maybe he wants us to wait... For us to be stable and then the better house wld appear...
5) Lots of credit cards and loans
Hikmah: Teach us how to manage our finances better before getting a house...
6) Family problems (Adjusting to both families)
Hikmah: To gradually strengthen ties between both families...
7) Job stress=loads of work
Himah: Dunno yet.
8) Husband not strong and taking more thgs to harm himself.
Hikmah: For me to be more alert/to know the real truth. At least he confessed in thgs that he never told me before... So after this I wld continue to remind him...
9) Pressure in having children. With vaginismus, how to have children?
Hikmah: For us to be more prepared in having children. To be equipped to be a better parent.

N mind you, these problems are very hard to endure... sometimes you feel like you do not wanna live anymore... But, I wld quickly shake it off...
I really feels sorry for my husband everytime I look at him...
Sometimes he would say things that hurts my feelings... But I know that he doesn't really meant it...
But, I felt that he shld be more understanding and encourage me more... :(

All in all....
I am very sure that we could overcome all these obstacles and live on to tell our children and grandchildren the stories... Insyallah...
Amin.

6th of June 2010.
10 Days ago...
My wedding is finally over...
My beautiful black and pink wedding.
My most romantic wedding that I could ever hope for....
With my soulmate, Ridzwan Bin Salim...

Almost. Except for some things that are spoilt.
Well, you can't expect everything to be perfect right....
My marriage now is almost perfect.
My honeymoon is great. Bali is great.

I just love him too much. Very much.
I just need one more thing to be done.
Well, to make me feel like a real real wife.
Well, i'm gonna do it on my birthday.

21st of June 2010.
That's my 24th birthday wish.
Amin.

I have now realised that at this point, we really can't live without each other anymore coz our love is really that strong. We have vowed not to live apart and to be together till the rest of our lives. To have beautiful hse with beautiful kids and grandchildrens... Coz I can't imagine being with someone else rather than him.
That means Wan is Ina and Ina is Wan. Nothing except Allah cld separate us and I really hope that our wedding wld be the most happiest moment in our lives of uniting two hearts and that it wld went well.... Amin...