Today i've decided that i'm gonna blog abt my whole life story.. Juz in case sumthg happened n we lost our memory, at least its recorded in here.. :(

Childhood Years:
My childhood memories are basically a nice one. First lives near Tan Tock Seng Hospital. Everybody knows me. I remember being close to my dad. Alwayz followed him everywhere such as fetching my mum frm work... As what daughters are. I'm close to my mother too. In fact, I love my mum very much. She's alwayz buying me thgs. It felt normal. We felt like a normal family. I used to hate the fact that i can't be an only child.. Lolz! I dunno why.. maybe i juz enjoyed the attention of being the first child, grandchild & great grandchild of the family.. Haha.. I didn't expect that 20 yrs later, i wld have 10 more brothers and sisters to come....
I have many frenz in school.. n we alwayz played together.. I was so called in a popular clique in school. Lolz!!

Thgs started going downhill when my mum passed away a day after my birthday. We have celebrated it with my cousin coz we had the same birthday. That's the most saddest thg that could ever happened to me. I remembered that i've even been planning to buy her a present for her birthday in August.

I can't accept it that my mother is gone.. I thought that she wld come back. Even until now, i still think of her sometimes. They always said that i didn't think of my mum coz i dun like to visit her grave. But the fact is dat i dun like to imagine my mum being there.
Aft that, I didn't feel normal. I felt that there's somethg missing in my family. Ppl shld have a mum & dad. I can't stand the pity that everybody including my teachers are giving me. I hate to be different. My little bro n sisters wasnt that affected coz they have little memories of my mum.. But still, they still need a mum.

Dats y i can't accept it that my dad wanted to marry 1 n half yr later. Maybe i can't blame him n can't stop him from re-marrying, but it felt like its too early. It doesn't helped that everybody is not happy with the way that he handles thgs. N she's not even local. I can't say that she's a bad person but it juz doesn't feels right. I think my siblings deserve better so that they won't grow up like this. Terbiar.

Then there's all the quarells, fights n ppl bad-mouthing each other.. blaming each other.. the inheritance money.. everythg is a mess.

Teenage Years:
I have my first abg angkat at 13. Which is Abg Yan.
I have my first crush at 13 too with a guy from Peicai Sec.
I've alwayz dreamt of meeting my dream guy n having a perfect family since i was 13 too. Coz i hate the life that i'm living. I hate staying at Johore with them. Coz it felt like a cage.. n my stepmum can do watever she likes coz she knows that i n my siblings dunno the way out if i wanna run away..
I'm jealous of others with perfect family. I hate to see others with great, funny, kind mum. Ended up, i've alwayz stayed at other hse juz b'coz of their mum. Every mums know me.. N they like me too. Haizz.. Sounds so pathetic ryte?
As usual with secondary school life, change best friends, change group, a bit of rebelling here n there, but still........... i'm alwayz the gd gerl.. Haha. Maybe coz by being gd, ppl will like me n be nice to me.. So i enjoyed that attention too. God, i'm really an attention seeker huh? Lolz!!

Maybe to my family, i'm a rebel.. alwayz going out.. but to others, i'm a nice person n a gd gerl..

Relationship with Guys (The important ones that I can remember only):
1) The first guy that I got to know is Ashraf when i was 16 yrs old. He's a nice guy i can say (religiously) but he's a little weird. He likes me i guess but he keeps calling my hse if i didn't ans my calls which irritates me coz my family will went berserk if they know it!! N he likes punk. Which is a little diff frm me.. dats why.

2) Second guy that i got to know frm Abg Yan is his ITE Bedok classmate, Taufik. I think at dat time we like each other too... Almost everyday talked. Even Abg Yan pon fed up, kat class pon bebual.. Smp dia ckp suroh concentrate on my O Levels. But i didn't.. N ended up i failed! Me n him? We didn't get together.. Coz of some reasons dat i dun wanna remember.

3) Aft dat I got to know Shahid. I can't remember where. But dis guy likes me so very much... Really really too much. N he got posessived! He called me n msg me everyday. Said that i looked like an angel n all dat.. It was nice for ppl to compliment you.. but i juz hav the creeps. Then when his army mate got hold of my no., he was not happy abt it n they said that Shahid was obsessed with me. They kept saying that he said that i'm his, so his frenz cannot disturbed me. It pissed me off coz i'm nt his property. Then, he asked his little sister to befriend me so that i won't escape frm him n so that she can psycho me to stead wif her bro.

4) After that, I got to know a Bdk Pondok, Nizam which is my best fren's Sarah's Guy punya kwn. He's funny n cute. We didn't get together coz he's a bit too wild for me back then. Clubbing & Gangster.

5) Then Azmi comes along, he works at the same workplace with me n he likes me n he sound me. Azmi is like a dream guy coz he's nice, popular, handsome, in a nasyid group, suave, cool.. so generally i'm flattered that he chooses me? Dere's a lot of gerls there.. More pretty n sexy. But, everythg happens so fast n he told me that he wants to marry me. I was shocked. Of cos that its my dream to get married. But i think that its too early.. I was 17 going to 18. N at dat time, i didn't think that i love him coz the feelings haven't develop yet. I was stressed coz he kept pressuring me. I felt that he didn't get to know me as a person. I dunno why he chooses me to be his wife. So ended, i broke up with him.

6) After that, I got to know a guy that I like very much. His name is hedeir. I felt that it was true love coz.... it was love at first sight for both of us. He's my fren's Sarah's Guy fren too. N he's fren wif Nizam too. N i've heard so much abt him. Tak sangka dat time i join them for jalan raya, i finally got to see him. N he was juz waking up with his raya clothes n all... N he looks so handsome! Duh! Then the first hse dat we go is his hse! N then the parents like so funny n all.. then his dad asked me to come again.. Hehe.. But i didn't look at his direction at all coz i'm scared dat it will be too obvious... In the end we didn't talked at all.. Little did i expect 2 mths later dat he will called me!! He got my no. frm my Firzhan (Sarah's guy). He told me dat he also nk kenal2 with me at dat nyte.. but he said that i didn't looked at him.. so he thot that i'm not interested... Hehe.. We were close for more than 6 mths.. but we didn't get together b'coz of unspecific reason that cannot be stated here. Aft dat, still got a few of the bdk pondok wants to get to know me.. But.. i'm not interested.

7) Aft that i got to know my so called 2nd ex aft azmi, which i really didn't want to count actually. Lasted for a wk. He's dat stupid Ahmad Firdaus! A sweet talker. N a player. N he threatened n shouted at me in front of public. Dats humiliating enough! Aft that, he contacted me again pretending to be insaf n acted all nice n alim.. To get back together wif me.. But i'm wif someone already n i really dun hav feelings for him. So i knalkan him wif my best fren, Radea!!! N he corrupted her! I damned him for that.. till now.

8) Then got to know this guy, Zamri.. Handsome & charming.. got a bike.. N he likes me.. marriage type. But, dia dah lah tk tau agama at all, fine.. but he said dia tknak & refused to blajar agama skrg coz dat means if he do it juz b'coz he wants to marry me.. dat means niat dah tk ikhlas.. wat so ever lah. So tk jadi pape.

9) Got to know my so called third ex, Zul frm Pizza Hut. Baru je msk 2 wks n already he likes me? Lives nearby my hse so we often go back together n slalu dia fetch me even though he's nt working. Tk lama coz aft that he went NS n i heard a few rumours abt him (character differences) so i wanna break up n refused to meet him n dats when the true colours come out n he became more possesived n was stalking me. Threaten to kill himself.. mental prob lah.. Haizzz...... Nasib...

10) Stead wif Dino. Known him ryte aft dia kluar frm inside. Took a while to accept him. He's actually a sweet guy but can be hot tempered at times. Dun wanna elaborate more abt the r'ship coz dats the start of my downfall.

11) Know dis Fadly guy.. A nice & funny guy.. He likes me too i guess.. even until now.. But.. juz nt my type.. Susah kan?

12) Firdaus. A guy who joins pizza hut (he has a younger bro too) who is so damn handsome n looks like a bad guy n wif tattoos n tags (juz came out i think).. n the whole girls at Pizza Hut was like crazy over him.. n out of the whole ppl, he chooses me. He likes me so much.. dat he asks all his minahreps frenz at pizza hut to psycho me. N then he will changes shift to work wif me. Someone locks us together in the freezer also!Asks me out n all.. but.. i dun think dat we can be together.

13) Ajiz (Kebetulan pulak cousin Dino) get to know me when i dine in at the Pizza Hut where he works. Dat time of cos lah i didn't knw dat he's Dino's cousin. Then at dat pt, Dino still contact me n he didn't wanna let me go.. I still meet him if he insists dats when he got to knw abt Ajiz. He was fuming mad lah.. coz of jealousy.. what else! Then he kept on bothering me.. Dunno for fuck.. then i cannot tahan coz at dat pt Ajiz shows some sign dat he like me.. So i juz asked Ajiz to pretend dat i'm his gf so dat Dino will stop bothering me.. But dat didn't stop him.. He still sms me fucking thgs n even revealed dat Ajiz got a tattoo.. in order to make me 'break up' wif him. But... he didn't succeed. We are nt a couple in the first place.

14) Dats when i met my ex, Norhasri. Everythg was great! It felt like jodoh. Dat we r meant to be together. Everythg falls into place like it shld be. We didn't hav any major probs.. N we r in love. But, it started with a lie dat leads to another lies. So.. thgs happened. Dun wish to elaborate further. Dattime he wants to patch thgs up.. But it didn't happen.

15) Yano. He likes me but we can't be together coz of certain thgs. But dat time he alwayz fetch me from work using his bike. Caring too n a gentlemen.. Although he did expressed his desires to do more.

16) Faizal matrep. I didn't like him.. I only like his son. A player. N then he wants me to be one of his gfs. Haha. Like real.

17) Farhah introduce me to zali. I didn't know why i like him. Even though at first i found him to be a little dark.. But, i think i fall for him coz he's a sweet guy n he loves kids. N the kids like him too. I think he can be a gd father. But yeah lah.. who expects dat he will be homeless n jobless. He only rely on me. But dats the first time i've met a bf's parents. Then he broke up wif me b'coz of his frenz. Dats his loss ryte. Then he wants me back. Dun wish to elaborate more.

18) Joe. We started off discussing business. Haha. But.. maybe coz he's matured n understanding, then we hit it off. Didn't hav much probs.. He's the most gentlemen out of all the guys dat i've known......... even though he's a divorcee. But maybe he didn't want to trouble me or sumthg or dere's sumthg wrong somewhere.. So we break up. Thgs go a bit haywire aft the break up when he started drinking again. N when me n radea met him to pass his thgs, radea said that he looks diff n gaunt. N i can see that he lost a lot of weight. I dun understand why wld ppl torture themself when they r the ones who initiates the break up in the first place.

19) Eddie. Maybe i like him coz he looks like Hasri. Dats all. Found out that he got another gerl at the same time so i choose to let him go.

20) Faizal (Showtec). Its complicated. Most Showtec guys.. no need to elaborate. Coz same work is alwayz complicated. Esp if there's competition n all.

21) Effendy. Known him a long time ago but we didn't get together coz i found out that he's with someone else. Then by chance we contacted at msn n then got to know that we goes a long way back. Then he said he likes me.. blah blah blah.. Then got to know that dia dah tunang. Wat the fuck!

22) Shaizli. No chemistry n he got tattoo (tapi dah baik i think). Potentially rich. But still, no feelings towards him.

23) Lastly, I met him.. My current boyfriend. So far, this is the longest r'ship i hav ever had than the others. Emotionally? Physically? Dun wish to elaborate further... Hope my memory of this r'ship will remain as long as i live...

In between, of course i've met many many many more damn guys. But they are not worth mentioning here its either because i've no recollection of them n coz mostly many of them, they like me but in the first place i see that there's no pt in being with someone dat i don't have feelings with.. I will immediately tell them the truth. The rest r only jerks who wanted to get to know me coz they only want sexs, scandals, one night stands.. etc.

Adult:
Definitely diff lah from teenage yrs. More focus n determined. I like working. Coz it takes my mind off frm my family & guys. Focus on making money, focus on the future. Focus in making my life better, the way that i want to live it. But the prob still lies somewhere deep.................................................

I'LL BE 22 IN A FEW MORE DAYS!! HEHE... HOPEFULLY MY ADULT YRS, I CAN MAKE SOMETHG OUT OF MYSELF...

I think zali wants me back sey.. I juz got the feelings.
Dunno why he msg me so many times. Then he wants me to contact him some more.. as in thru phone.
Coz he said that he didn't meant to broke up wif me at dat time.. Wat is dat supposed to meant? Isn't it a bit too late? Its already been one n half year.. :(
N he said that he still feel bad n guilty towards me although he told me so many times dat i've already forgiven him..
N dat time he didn't even care abt my feelings when he ikut his fren n left me below the blk, crying. He didn't care when he told his frenz dat semua dah jln terus.
He didn't care when at dat time i give him a chance to contact me back n he still have not changed. He didn't care when the guys disturbed me like hell n he juz kept quiet coz he knows dat he's not my guy anymore.
But if you really loves a person, wld you left her like dat?
I was so mad at him dat nyte.. N he can even bring up the subject dat he wants us to be together like laz time.
I dun wanna reply to his msg anymore.. but i already told him to find another girl dat really loves him..

I'm upset. And that's b'coz of him.
As a guy, i think... he's not the normal type.
This is already not a normal type of r'ship.
Susah jgklah nk stead wif a divorcee nie?
Mcm tkda semangat... abeh yg terasa is aku...
Bknyya nk kata menyesal.. but its juz not fair...
Fair ke gitu? Dere's no fairness in this world i guess...
What u have chosen is what u get. Maybe the least he can do is understand my feelings. But no.. he's clueless abt everythg..
Abeh mcm mana? My hopes and dreams r diff frm him? Susahlah..
Is it juz me or everythg seems wrong? Why is this happening to me?
Then he expects more frm me.. but he didn't seem to get what i'm expecting from him at all? Is it fair?
I dun wanna brought that subject up coz it seems stupid.
HE as a guy shld automatically knows what to do. Not wait until the girl brings up the topic. Is that the correct way?
Aku mcm dah upset semacam niari.. but as usual.. I can stile smile and laugh to ppl. Dats the power of Ina.

Janganlah hanya mengukir janji
Sedangkan dikau masih mencari..Adakah benar kata kata...
Bukan ungkapan sementara...

Kaulah pancaran yang daku rasa..
Bagaikan obor yang menyinar...
Jika terpadam tiba tiba.. Sunyilah insan alam gelita..

Jika kau selam hati ini...Pastinya engkau kan mengerti..
Betapa sucinya cintaku.. Jangan diragu...
Jika kau rasa getarnya.. Debaran kasih cinta yang meronta..
Nilai kasihku padamu cukup berharga...

Bukan simpati yang aku pinta...
Kebenaranmu memutus kata...
Agar dapatku abadikan...
Untuk pedoman peniti cinta...

Jika kau selam hati ini...
Pastinya engkau kan mengerti...
Betapa sucinya cintaku..
Jangan diragu... Jika kau rasa getarnya...

Debaran kasih cinta yang meronta...
Nilai kasihku padamu.. Cukup berharga..


Now i understand my dear.. why do u kept on listening to this song so much... When i saw the lyrics then i knew hw u're feeling.. I'm so sorry dear...I know that you love me very very much... Maybe you love me so much dat even people ard you noticed dat.. But its hard for me to notice dat when i kept on thinking abt ur mixed up un-normal past.. N ur equally mixed up exs.. I'll be very upset..

Dats why i shld not have mind so much abt ur past even though u're a divorcee. :( Coz when Of cos when u said that i'm too gd for u.. U didn't meant it in a bad way... I meant to forget it of cos but its hard coz u've already told me everythg...

It's normal for couples to go thru ups & downs but i shld not hav think abt breaking up all the time when the thgs are so trivial ryte.. Humans life are already so short.. We should have treasured every single moment together...

Sometimes i do not understand what he's thinking when he did all those thgs which hurts me?

Maybe he felt that it's the normal thgs to do? But for me its not a normal thg to do?

Sometimes i felt that he's being childish... Maybe his daughter is not as childish as he is...

Abt yesterday i was really dissapointed...

It's still okay if he didn't reply my msg that morng.. Maybe he's asleep...

It was still okay if he go to bbdc & didn't update me on anythg...

But when at 8 pm he still have not msg me... I was worried that he will not kept his promise again.

I was fidgeting in class b'coz he still have not msg me whether he's meeting me or not.. Even Hyder & James could see that i'm upset & no mood.. But they juz assume that i'm juz tired. I can't barely concentrate.

N i really dun want him to forget.. Coz i will definitely be angry but at the same time i dun wanna msg or kol him to remind.. Coz i wanna see his determination n efforts himself.

But i still keep on reminding myself that he will be dere. But when i saw dat he's not dere and dere's still no calls or sms-es by 9.45 pm.. Of cos u will be angry & dissapointed ryte...

But i still dun feel like calling him coz i dun want to discover that he's sleeping at home. Furthermore if he's dere, why didn't he call me ryte..

When he called me at 10.15 pm when i'm at Kranji already.. I already suspected 2 thgs but i was so damn angry that i'm scared i will cried inside the train if i picked up the call.

Even after i didn't picked up, dere's no msg of apologizing. I'm not sure maybe he didn't think that was his fault.

I'm not sure what to feel ryte now.. I really dunno why these thgs happened.

Its supposed to teached us somethg ryte?

1) There's a need for couples to communicate.

2) Even though the r'ship is 1 yr or 10 yrs, its still important to make efforts.

3) Realized the mistakes & learnt frm it.

I can't say that i'm not upset now.. Its like an icing in the cake since last Sunday.

I dun think we'll be meeting my auntie dis Sunday. I seriously don't think that u're ready yet.

I'm feeling a bit lethargic... No mood at all to work.
Not happy being here... Not happy being at home. :(
I'm a gerl with so much dreams... Its only the ppl who r alwayz destroying the dreams.
I think Mak Baru is the real two faced monster.. I still can rememeber the stuck up face yesterday.. Yeah fine... if org dah nk sidai kan.. why can't she juz put it there.. Obviously she hav issues with herself.
What a bitch! Dunno what she sembahyang for huh? :(
Joanna & Sharon is still consider okay... N mak busu too.

These r the types of ppl that i can't connect with... I hope my next environment will be like a family.
I felt guilty abt Wan.. the fact that he loves me very much and he could possibly makes me happy........ I shouldn't have treated him that way.
The r'ship deserves better. Coz having someone to really love you wholeheartedly is already a blessing itself.. :)
I'm glad that despite everythg, i still have him in my life. Thank you Allah.
I love you very much my dear.. Maybe i juz didn't realized it all these while.

Lately, i've been so stressed out with my job...
So stress.. That i've been near to depression? It's not that the workload that have been stressing me out...
It's rather the ppl here who are stressing me out. You can see lots of diff ppl & diff kind of characters.. it's not consider bullying coz they act all nice in front of me.. N in general, i actually enjoyed doing more work & be in control.

But your heart will feel somethg when they are all earning more or double than you and yet you are the one who suffers. N some more they enjoy talking behind your back.

When you have someone who could do everythg for you, it's easy for you to take for granted what you have. That's human.
Always taking everythg for granted. I'm not usually a person who easily give up on thgs. I'm a fighter..always a fighter. When i failed somethg, i will feel extremely dissapointed with myself. Maybe coz i put on too much pressure on myself.

I really set high standards on myself to be perfect (inside & outside). N when ppl ard me behaves that way, it's easy to get upset when things are not going ur way. I'm already helpless abt the condition of my family, my hse, my room (wif my siblings and all) and the way they handle it.
To say that my father has failed as a father is an understatement..
But i know that tell myself when i have my own hse & family, i will make sure that it will be perfect. I will make sure that my husband is always happy and my kids will grow up to be such a courteous, happy n nice boys n gerls.

They always told me that if i don't do this, i don't do that.. I will fail as a wife & mother later on... But, what they don't know is that i have my own plans for my marriage n i won't let somethg trivial to be a hindrance to me. I will make it work.

Now, they are overreacting. Now I have to bring him to meet my family. Sometimes it's not that you purposely wants to keep it a secret. It's juz that sometimes you do want to get married early and all (i know that it's gd) but sometimes ur heart is not so sure yet... But.. if i believe in myself, n i believe in him.. N i believe that the marriage can be happy n will work out... There's nothing that can stop it ryte?

I will juz leave it to fate.

Haizz.. so much thgs had happened for these past few weeks...
In all, i know that it will make my r'ship wif him stronger..
he's jealous b'coz of everythg (n i really meant every single guy)... so i've got no other choice?
we need to survive.. survival is important in this selfish city.

I know that.. n my hope is that if i'm gonna be wif wan together for the rest of my life... n we are not that well off, i will do everythg within my meants to make us live comfortably.

For our children to live comfortably.
For our extended families to live comfortably.
That's my hope. Helping others will come only after i have enough to cover for myself n the others.

I hope that our love will continue to be strong throughout the years. He's not a bad guy actually.. but he's just an average guy who's easily contented (diff frm me) and lacks of motivation. But that's okay... with me ard, he can be easily motivated..

Thanks dear for loving me the way that you love me.

I'm truly sorry that I've make him worry.
I really shouldn't do that...coz i know that he really loves me a lot and he has nvr even hurt my feelings deeply or intentionally except for the little2 thgs that can be forgiven...
So.. I shld have not make some that loves you worry ryte?
Thinking that you might leave them?? How can i do that to someone who tries hard to please me.
Maybe i'm juz stressed abt work and then makes me think abt marriage and his lack of savings...
I know that its only a plot...But he looks like very stressed out abt the matter & keeps blaming himself...
I'm really sorry baby.. I promise that I will love you more.
That's a promise. I will love you for my whole life.

I will swear that those who look down on me will regret it later... Those who presevere will always be the one most successful in life. If i ever succeed one day, then... Haizz.. Wah lau weh..
Hate these type of ppl and the way they work.

Aft so long, i still feel that i can't understand them. Is it the typical chinese way of doing things like savings their own backside.
Only they both can understand each other. One thg i know.. when she say that i must learnt.. Is that i've got my own way of doing thgs and i won't do it like others do it...

Haha... Only someone like J will think it that way and only a person like her who will look up to somebody like S. Thanks anyway.. The only lesson that I've learnt her is that ppl can be selfish and egoistical. The world is full of these ppl. I hope i will meet somebody truly nice later on and share my sentiments in life.....

I really hates it when Nadyia said that i shld just forget it abt the cpf thingy...
But i'm not her... Its not abt the money issue... its abt the moral & integrity of a mly muslim boss/employer who did not conduct a proper business and even wants to hold back a meager sum of money from his employee cpf which he had already deducted frm the employee's pay...
Furthermore it's my first full time job.. n i dun think he shld do that to me. :(

I really admire this Azren guy (my colleague) same like how i admire Abg Fadoli.
That is how a true man has to acts. Must plan everythg for the future & work hard to save money. I cans see that he's working hard towards his future & saving harder. Even just now he was already enquiring with hdb for a flat & taking up loans n bank loans. He knows that he's gonna get married in 2 yrs time and he was planning for everythg... everythg... His fiancee shld be lucky to get a husband like him. :)
Even Kamal & Sham is working hard & saving hard for their upcoming marriage. N they r all younger than Wan. Why r they thinking maturely but Wan is not?

That's the prob with my bf that will arise when you r being too pampered by your parents n everythg in your first marriage is being sponsored by your parents except for the duit hantaran. It means trouble for the second marriage. Really big trouble.

Its very diff with my bf. He nvr plans n nvr do anythg for the future. He said that we're gonna get married in 2 yrs time. Its not a long time for a couple n what he only knows is to talk.

I'm not saying that he's a bad guy.. But sometimes i find it dissapointing if the only thg that he thinks n talks abt is sex. N when i meant planning abt the future is not planning abt just the sex thg!
Sometimes i think & think whether did i get the right guy??
I shld think that sex is the only thg in his mind n everytime what's on his mind is that the planning on when to meet me so that he can do that things n aft that it's all back to square one.

I do give him hints & scenarios sometimes but he just doesn't get it.
I dunno what did he do with his first marriage (n who planned it). But all i can say is that for an experience guy in this marriage thg, he does not looks so experience at all.

I can see that Bobby is going thru what my bf is going thru in his first yr of marriage. But maybe Bobby's situation is a bit diff coz Bobby is more patience type of guy so they didn't quarell often like Wan & his ex wife.
I really dunno wat to say.. I'm kind of sick & tired of it actually.. but i just kept quiet.
Maybe its not the right thg to do..but i really dunno how to bring up the subject. I dun want him & other ppl to think that i'm so desperate.
I'm really not desperate to get married coz i'm still young but i just dun think that this is the right way for a guy to behave when he knows that he wanna get married in 2 yrs or less n he's always sakit & all.. It's not wrong for him to feel that way but it is just appropriate for him to feel that way aft we r married so that there r no more restrictions.

Such a dilemma. :(
Pls dun make me give up this r'ship.

Its really sad & heartbreaking to see and it's really bothering me a lot on people with low moral issues such example is Wan, his EX WIFE and his first EX... Being 32, 33, 34.. they are all much more older than me but the thgs that they had learnt in life is so limited.. Sumthg which i cannot connect at all. Why is there such things happening in our malay society??

I still find that his ex wife is still okay compared to his ex. Even though the role as a wife is not acceptable to me but to compare her with his ex which obviously targets a married man such as Wan so that she could have free housing, FREE SEX, free money n even free assistant to help her sell the pills.. Hahaha what a joke!

Why ppl get married in the first place if marriage vows are not taken seriously and when its obvious that there is no intention of settling down yet.
Should at least give consideration on the emotional pain and fustration inflicted on both parties and esp to the children, when both parties are out fooling around.
Parents should be a role model to their child.What will it be like if on one hand you are teaching your children about moral values, while on the other, you are doing the exact opposite...

Upset lah wif this kind of ppl.. when i see his daughter face, i felt so guilty n pitied her for having such parents. I hope they both had changed for the better with a better partners to guide them... Amin.

I pray that i will be a beautiful successful woman one day with a caring & loving husband and a happy family of her own...
Can do some charity works, donations, holidays... n everthg that i can ever dream of... Like Angelina Jolie...
To have a fulfilling life in such a short life of a human being...
To enjoy life as it is..
To take each day as it is...
That's basically what i wish for the future...

I came across this blog entry at anakmelayu today:

"If a girl cries in front of you, it means that she couldn't take it anymore...
If you take her hand, she would stay with you for the rest of your life; if you let her go, she couldn't go back to being herself anymore... (VERY TRUE!!!)
A girl wont cry easily, Except in front of the person who she love the most, she becomes weak.. (VERY TRUE!!!)
A girl wont cry easily, only when she loves you the most, she put down her ego. Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you please hold her hands firmly, she's the one who would stay with you for the rest of your life.
Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you, please dont give her up, maybe bcoz of your decision, you ruin her life. When she cry rite in front of you, when she cry bcoz of you, Look into her eyes, Can u see n feel the pain n hurt she's feeling?
Think... . Which other girl have cried wif pure sincerity, Infront of you, And bcoz of you? She cry not because she is weak, She cry not bcoz she wan sympathy or pity, She cry, Because crying silently is no longer possible, the pain, hurt, n agony have become too big a burden to be kept inside..."

It makes me think of an incident ard March 2006 when i was still a very stupid & silly girl so blindly in love and that's the only time that I've ever cried in front of a guy (So badly pulak tu..).

At that time.. We are on the verge of a breaking up and i dunno why i was so very very sad and i cannot even slept the night before when he told me he wanna broke up with me and the tears really cannot stop from falling.. After that, every single day i juz continue wif my life.. N i dun even feel like meeting/kenal2 wif other guys.
It juz feels weird when guys wanna get to know you and u r still hung up over one particular guy. Am i crazy or wat?

A week later, he suddenly said that he wanna meet up wif me and to finish some unsettle business.. Suddenly, when we meet up, it felt strange as if we r some kind of strangers.. I dun really know what to talk to him n what to expect...

But out of sudden, he hug me and starts to kiss me at his fav spot and we r sitting at our fav spot and it juz seems so familiar n i starts thinking that hw am i gonna live without him.. n i really felt like crying when he said that he really missed me a lot this 1 wk.. I was so happy n so sad at that time that the tears start flowing a little by little and when he noticed that his shoulders r wet and he asked me whether i'm crying or not...

I was so embarassed n tried to cover but i failed terribly and started to cried uncontrollably like a baby!!!
I was really so overwhelmed by emotions coz I really do love him a lot at that time.
And i really can't imagine myself being with somebody else... So we patch up...
But its no use coz less that two months later we broke up completely and i was me who give him the FINAL ans.

When i give him the final sms, i didn't feel anythg coz i really thot that he's gonna explains himself.. but turns up that he's so cruel and the reality starts to sink in later at nyte when i realised that he's really gonna break up.

I cried myself to sleep and all the days after.. I was suffering for months...
Everytime my friends (guys & gerls) called me and we brought up the topic, i will cry. It was like so bad.. I dunno why he had that effects on me!! Stupid!!
Up until from that moment, until now... I dun think i have ever loved/cried for anybody else as much as i does it for him.
And gradually, dats why i began to hate him so much coz he's making me suffer by making me love him so much.

I must learnt to let go of all these memories n accept the reality that me and him r not meant to be together and there r really someone who loves me a lot too.. More than him?
Pls, pls haseenah... wake up n come back to reality.

I HATE YOU, NORHASRI BIN YUSOFF... A LOT!

HATE.
HATE.
HATE.
HATE.
HATE.

PLS DO NOT CHECK ON MY PROFILE AGAIN.
I JUST WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT OF MY MIND, MY HEAD, MY MEMORIES AND MY PAST.

I'm so happy that i got my first bonus... N i will try hard not to spend it in one shot...

I'm still thinking whether i should just save it for my marriage, take up a driving license, do my braces or just shop a lot?

Hmm... must think carefully... I wanted to do braces but seems like very painful like that...
But they say that it can make the face/jawline more sharper leh...

Maybe i could try losing some weight first and see how.. but still having a nice teeth beats all...
Yeah.. i'm a very vain gerl & a perfectionist.. so i want everythg nice in life...
But still, i won't forget the poor & unfortunate..

Virginity:
Saving oneself for one's husband is considered one of the most traditional values in the olden days and i believe this still holds today, especially more so when promiscuity is so rampant and ONS and numerous sex partners is common.

In fact, i feel that being virgin is a strong belief that one have to holds to, when most ppl around are non-Vs.
Choosing to give up one's virginity is a major turning point of a girl's life hence it does tell a lot about the girl and for a guy who they are marrying to.

Coz a virginity is something special, a gift you bequeath upon someone special whom you decide worthy.

I've learnt that sometimes in life... you have to be contented with what you have and not dwell on the past for a person's mistake.
Yeah i have to admit that I cannot accept his past.
But I must learnt to forget and be thankful that I found someone who loves me so very much amidst all his past mistakes...
I just hope that he won't repeat the same things and treasure his life more rather than leave it wasted doing wasted thgs...
Maybe It's God wishes for him to meet me.. someone so diff yet similar in some ways. As long as we can live happily ever after... I can learnt to love him more day by day... Amin...

Monday, 10/03/2008:

I feel really bad that i think so badly of him & accuse him of taking the pills... I feel bad that i am feeling this way... Whereas, i know that he's an emotionally unstable person... N we always argue abt the pill nowadays...

But, i really can't help it... Coz whenever something like this happens, i can't help but feel that why am i the one who have to pick up the pieces of his past?

Yeah lah... coz when he already had his fun with all the girls (his exs) or the other way round, i'm the one who have to bear all these consequences.

Plus, i kept on thinking on why do i have to lead the way that he is used to (like going to the hotel)... N when they (his exs) all had their fun n leave him with no money n debts (his exs & ex wife), i am still the only one girl who sticks with him despite him having absolutely nothing in his life?
But i know that he's trying really hard for me... I know that he's working so hard for me too... N i know that he loves me.
Am i stupid or what to stick by him? No? Or... Maybe coz i pity him so much? Or.. Maybe coz i did love him? I dun really know the answer....

I kept on thinking... All the money that was spend when he go to the hotels in the past(which is a lot), i think will be enough for my hantaran sey... :(

So now, whenever i'm facing somethg like this... I assure myself that God has written the fates for me to meet him so that i can help him and set his life straight...
Maybe true love is all abt making sacrifices ryte? So i have to sacrifice my whole life for him.

But, sometimes i feel that i'm not strong enough and ppl will always want a husband who can guide & cares for them ryte? Not the other way round.....
Now i have to pity myself before i pity him. But still i won't give up and will live my life to the fullest and hoping that i can achieve something in my life.

THE END.

Closed off from LOVE...
I didn't need the pain...
Once or twice was enough... And it was all in vain...
Time starts to pass...
Before you know it, you're frozen...
But something happened... For the very first time with you...
My heart melts into the ground...
Found something true...
And everyone's looking around...
Thinking that I'm going crazy...

But I don't care what they say...
I'm in LOVE with you... They try to pull me away...
But they don't know the truth...
My heart's crippled by the vein...
That i keep on closing... You cut me open and I......

Keep bleding.. Keep, keep bleeding LOVE...
I keep bleeding.. I keep, keep, bleeding LOVE...
Keep bleeding... Keep, keep bleeding LOVE...
You cut me open...

Trying hard not to hear.. But they talk so loud...
Their piercing sounds fill my ears...
Try to fill me with doubt... Yet i know that the goal...
Is to keep me from falling...
But nothing's greater... Than the rush that comes with your embrace...
And in this world of loneliness...
I see your face.. Yet everyone around me...
Thinks that i'm going crazy... Maybe, maybe...

But I don't care what they say... I'm in LOVE with you...
They try to pull me away... but they don't know the truth...
My heart's crippled by the vein... That I keep on closing...
You cut me open and I....

Keep bleeding.. Keep, keep bleeding LOVE...
I keep bleeding... I keep, keep bleeding LOVE...
And it's draining all of me...
Oh, they find it hard to believe...
I'll be wearing these scars... For everyone to see...

CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY:

What makes people happy?

1) Having purpose - which means doing something in your life that has meaning for you.
2) Having hope - which means you have something to look forward to.

Even if your current circumstances are difficult, if you have hope that your effort will be rewarded and that thgs will improve, you can find happiness.

Happy ppl accept themselves as they are, so they can have a peace of mind.

And last but not least... Having someone to love...

"Happy people make a decision to be happy in spite of their problems..." :)

14th Feb 2008:

Today i'm so very happy and very suprised to get a bouquet of flowers/bear/chocs from him... Nvr expected it lor... Coz he's juz not that type... N some more its my first time to get this suprised...
I nearly died of heart attack coz i thot it was from someone else... haha...
Then ppl at Showtec were all asking me abt it... So paisey lor...
He already give me an mp3 as a present the day before... Plus a swensens treat..
That already costs a lot of money...
Yeah lor... I do believe that he loves me lots & lots more... more than anyone else...
But, why do i always doubt him?? Stupid of me ryte? Always kept on thinking of that damn guy.. I promise to love him more than ever after this...
Love you dear!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL!!!

For the record... Me & him... We are happy together again...
Contented. Blessed. Just hecked care what ppl wanna say...

Plus God has finally given me a first sign that he is really the one for me.
Now the only worry is for us to earn & save lots of money for our wedding and future...

Smlm tergerak hati nak check Who viewed me....
That's when i saw ur damn nick... Why must u view my profile again??
I really dun understand... I really hope you can find a gerl who loves you more than I do... And i hope we dun ever cross path again in the future.

Friday, 18/01/08:

I've already know that its a bad sign if i've been sick for so long.

There is something bothering me.. and i can't just let it go.

And now to add to the list of ppl against my r'ship with him is Auntie!
I thought she supported him but aft she met him... It seems that she changes her mind.

I'm more worried coz...
Old ppl must know more than us... And she already said that when she met him at Bobby's wedding the other day, she can see that our face doesn't match as husband & wife (as in tkda iras that meants kita tkda jodoh..).
She only told me that's what she can see coz she already experience her 2 children going thru divorce n she told me that when at that pt of time she also told them the same thg and they still insist to get married and now they end up in a divorce.

But, she did told me to bring him to see my grandma and if my grandma is okay with him, she won't say anythg coz she insists that old ppl knows the best.

And why my 2nd sis is so against it...
My auntie is also against it... (Although she does not express it)...

Even his ex wife told him that she pity his FUTURE WIFE for marrying a guy like him. Somethg is definitely fishy here ryte?

As for me...
I kept feeling that i'm so stupid if i stay in a r'ship that doesn't makes me happy at all.. (Yeah, i'm definitely truly feels unhappy now!)
I'm bothered abt his past. I'm scared of the future.

Yeah its true that ppl can accept a divorcee.. And be happy with them.
But not:
A divorcee with lots of missing pieces in his life.
A divorcee with lots of things to clear and lots of probs to settle ryte.
A divorcee who somedays acts normal but other days acts weirdly.

And he doesn't even bother to convince me AT ALL that everythg is not true.
Doesn't even bother to reply to my anniversary wish. Yg the 2nd wish tu i can at least forgive him for not replying coz he's still sick.
But last nyte? There is no excuse ryte...

I have made a decision that i won't marry him as long as i'm not convince that he's the one for me.

I really hope Allah will give me a sign. Please... Just a sign.
I do not want to make a decision that i will regret all my life.
To be stuck in an unhappy marriage... that's the worst!!

Aft i've let out my feelings, i hope i will feel much more better.

01/01/2008 Tuesday.

I think i must be going crazy now...
Much more crazier than before.

Coz despite of what the ppl ard him are saying abt him & his dark past (which i dunno how to react when hearing the NEWS), i'm still sticking by his side till today...
Maybe it's just that i dun have the heart to tell him.
And i dun wanna brought up the subject to him in case it creates more probs between us that can arise frm this whole damn complicated situation.
So i juz kept quiet & acts extra happy. Haha!

Plus, i've already promised his family to take care of him.. forever?
Now, its the other way around pulak..

So, i have decided to give him another chance for 2008.
Coz maybe life has been unfair towards him.
Maybe he did that thgs coz he's not even aware of the situation.
Maybe he did not even remember what he did in the past...

That's why i'm so happy yesterday coz i was hoping that we can start a new beginning together.
My resolution for 2008 is for me to be happy always, cry lesser & earns lots & lots of money for my future.
I hope that i'm able to love him more than my love towards him now...
Coz i'm definitely convinced that he loves me more than i do. :(

Sometimes when i look at him, i still wonder whether is he really my jodoh?
And why did God pick him out of all as my jodoh?
And as for what i know, everythg happens for a reason...
And if di-takdirkan he will be my jodoh later on & become my husband...
I will have to accept him with all my heart.

I will not write a blog anymore in case if one day he reads it.
Coz i won't have him knowing all my thoughts & what's inside my mind anymore.
It doesn't matter if i'm the one suffering & worrying alone.
No matter what, i must know him more than he knows me.
This blog is supposed to be a private thing.
Unless if there is really a need to then i will write but only abt happy thgs.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!!
May the new year brings more happiness & prosperity to this world.

IS LOVE JUST AN ILLUSION?

28/12/2007 Friday:
Its nearly the ending of 2007...
I had came across a very good blog today from a guy's perspectives of love...
I will copy & paste it here:

If true love exists, why do we fall in & out of love? If we are now ‘in love’ with someone new, does that mean our past relationships were just lies, or products of our minds?
I believe that while some love relationships are genuine, others are merely illusions supported by our beliefs.
A gal may convince herself she is in love with a guy because he happens to satisfy her criteria of an ideal partner. Likewise, a guy may believe he loves a gal because he is lonely and longs for a love relationship.
So how do you tell if yours is for real? Only YOU can answer that.
Can you stop loving a person and love another? Yes, definitely.
Does that make you a fickle person? Not necessarily.

Love, as in any relationship, has its upswings and downswings, and quite often, it fails.
You may stop loving the person completely or you may choose to quit the relationship, even if feelings still exist. Perhaps staying on would have destroyed whatever love is left. Perhaps continuing the relationship will only ruin your future. So you quit the relationship. But did you quit on LOVE?
I’ve been through a few failed long-term relationships. One was doomed because I was naïve. Another got nipped in the bud because SHE was naïve. Third one went bust because the illusion it was based on could no longer be sustained. A forth crashed because time revealed the ‘love’ to be nothing more than a close friendship. *sigh*
If true love does exist, how could we love one person after another? I admit I loved every single one of my ex-es, albeit each differently. I still think of them & wish them well. But my heart remains mine to give. And I have.
To the one I pray will be my true companion, who will walk life’s winding road with me till death do us part.

So.. now it makes me wonder if i had 4 ex-es, do i love all of them?
The answer is a definite NO.
I've only truly love a person only (going to two if it includes my current guy) and aft that it was only a mutual feeling of Like+Sayang+Blinded.
Then hw abt all the other guys who claimed to love me?
That's when i have to be smart & differenciate between Love with Lust.
Guys will always wanna get to know/be in a r'ship with a gal with a great body & if she comes with a beautiful/sweet/pretty face & fair skin then its consider a bonus.
So does that means that they Love me?
Definitely no ryte... As if i'm that stupid.
I'm not a bimbo okay... But yes, i used to be a fool.
Coz i've always hope & dreamt of r'ship sort of like the fairytales & romance novels/dramas/movies.
So when i'm face with cold truth abt the real deal with r'ships in the real world...
I'm a bit taken aback. And sumtimes i can feel that i'm completely disgusted with men that are totally into sex.
But, when i think again, sex is actually a great thing for bonding & chemistry between couples but it's only when both parties truly love each other & not doing it half heartedly.
Dats why i'm always reluctant to go on first dates & only went out as far as one date with most guys.
Because i know that they will only lust after me and that is not Love.
How many handsome, boyish, gd looking matreps have i gone out with?
A LOT! And they are highly sought after by other gerls i'm sure.
But. Most of these types are not the type to fall in love.
Or rather they just want a trophy gf that can satisfy their lust.
One fine example is Zali. I think he considers me a trophy gf that he can show off to his frenz plus i'm like so stupid to continue & stay with gd for nothing guy like him ryte.
That's why i often wonder why people who made a sacred vow during marriage can break their promise so easily...
Do they take it so un-seriously? Or did they simply choose the wrong ones?
But why during the courtship, they didn't realized that they are not meant to be together? Why realized it aft marriage?
It is such a complicated thing ryte?
Plus if u hav made a grand wedding & such.. When ur relatives & frenz had all known abt it... Its not like u're in r'ship where not everyone will know abt it. And you will be embarassed & it will affect your future r'ship in a lot of ways.

"After a divorce, i can see that at least one party will suffer more that the other.
And all i can say is that it takes a lot of patience & encouragement & definitely true love for someone to be with a divorcee."

I will write abt my 2008 resolutions in my next entry. :)

I am truly grateful to you for giving my boyfriend back to me.
Thank you!

But.. i'm kinda dissapointed to hear another story from him..
Everytime its a different story that dissapoints me.
I think its best that i don't hear anymore stories from his past that can affects the r'ship.
Thats all.
We shld all look forward to the future.

Saturday, 22/12/07, 11 pm:

I know that i told ya that yesterday will be my last blog...

But i can't help it coz i'm really sick today. Plus really sad too.
So i felt that i should let out my feelings since there's nobody that can help me.
I didn't even go out with anybody today.

I think there's no more life left in me. That's why i'm so weak today.

God, pls help me...
Pls show me the right path whether i should or should not continue this r'ship?

I will feel very bad if i leave him coz i know that it's not his choice to be sick & it's not his fault that he's acting this way.
But on the other hand, it also makes me suffer... If i have to endure this, then there'll be no more meaning in my life anymore.

Friday, 21/12/07, 11.30 pm:

I felt like that i've missed him very much.. but i have to be really strong.
I must see if he failed this test or not.
Only 2 short mths & our r'ship had became the sort of r'ship like a 20 yrs old r'ship.
It has lost its touched & romance and its not getting stronger.
I really can't live a life full of sins,stressed,feeling of unloved,lack of trust..
When i saw him doing all the thgs that he have been doing since the illness, i could just see the traces & imagine what his life had been in the past.
So full of.......... sins & lowly life.
I don't care abt his past. As long as he did not repeat the same mistakes again.
But.. i just felt like...
The sweet & respectable part of him that i fell in love with is gone....................
He kept saying that i can't expect him to be the same all the time.. that his perangai at diff2 places are not the same.. but, ppl dun juz change in a blink of eyes ryte?
Does not even bother to make an effort to call or msg me anymore...
I really hope that i didn't make the wrong choice in life.
For me, marriage is a life long commitment.. and to pick the wrong guy as a husband is as gd as killing myself now.
Maybe you thought that i dun really love you..
But some thgs are just not meant to be said..
Maybe if aft this, we are not meant to be together, i will not find anyone anymore.
Unless if my family finds soeone for me then i will have to accept it.

This will be the last blog that i will write for this year.
Wishing you all a happy new year and i hope that 2008 will brings me so much more happiness rather than sadness.
That's my one & only wish that as long as i live in happiness... everythg that i've experienced, every pain & sadness that i felt will go away.

I dun understand why a random guy would even bother to msg me Selamat Hari Raya when my own guy didn't even reply my Selamat Hari Raya wish... Pelik kan...

I nearly cried when i saw the name that msg me was a diff name coz i was actually hoping it's him. And the best part was.. the guy's name happen to be Ridzwan too...

I think the flames just died when i didn't wanna to do anythg with him... i guess...

I knew that i did not imagine it when i said that i felt that he's changed aft he's sick............



Anyway i was thinking that, if i were to set up a joint account with him, i'm scared that if sumthing happens to the r'ship, there will be more trouble later on...

When the r'ship is only two months old, it's generally not strong enuff.. And when ujian alih2 melanda mcm gini, its really hard for the heart to take it..................................

2007: THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE GOOD & THE BAD.

Its nearing Christmas & New Year. Time flies so fast huh..
Tak lama lage dah nk msk 2008. And i'll be 22. Wow!

Nowadays i felt like there's sumting missing in my life. Like its getting too routine.
Pergi kerja, balik kerja. Sumtimes jumpa Wan. Itu aje.. so bored..
I need to do new things to make my life more interesting...
All my friends are lost. Dunno where they all go.

Everyday is like the same. Plus i have much to think about abt my future, abt him.
So its kinda stressful.. dunno why...

I dun like it. 2007 is not really a gd year but its not exactly a bad year..
Not as bad as 2006, i know.
3 break ups in a year. Wow!

But 1 thg i can say is that i've met a lot & lots of diff characters this yr that i'm convinced that human beings are indeed an unique creature.

Only one thg that saves this year from becoming a bad yr..
But that's only because i met & fall in love with him. :)

But lately... I felt diff lah.. dunno how to say. Its not that i wanna say that i dun love him anymore.
But its just that our r'ship is a bit diff aft he falls sick. We don't meet as often..
Dun msg as often.. Dun talk as often.. Can't email as often coz he's not working..
And he doesn't seems as happy & funny anymore...
Yeah.. maybe its due to the pressure & stress.
So i shld learnt to be more understanding kan...

My job? Nah.. i dun enjoy my job as much as i used too..
Because i found that lately sharon likes to create sumthing that is not even my mistakes.
She is definitely a gd & fun friend to everybody but if i have to rate her as a colleague..
She fails. I just can't describe it. She's not a bad person. I kinda like her.
Its just that she did not take work seriously and dumps all the thgs to me.
And then when sumting happens, she sort of blames me.
And i got no one to talk too.. since i can't talk to Joanna coz i'm scared that she's grown closer to Sharon & Sandy is out of picture lah since we are not even in the same dept.
That's why if can i wanna change job asap but at the same time, i also need that bonus.
Aku hope Tuhan beri aku kesabaran utk tempuh lage a few months at Showtec.

Since this yr, 2007, i've become officially 21 (an adult), i've matured a lot and i've fully understand the meaning of r'ship.
Its not abt the thrill, monkey love, sex or any of that craps.
The purpose of you getting married & become a couple is that for you to have a companion, a soulmate,a listening ear, a moral support that will go thru ups & downs with you, who appreciate you for being there in times of need, who will care for you when you're sick, who will stand up for you when you're bullied, who will grow old with you & provide you with love.
Sex is only a bonus that comes with it.
So.. why does ppl always prioritise sex when they can just treasure the r'ship & be thankful that they hav found someone that they love?

Highlights of the year:

1) Zali nk patch up balik aft that disaster break up under Charley's blk.
2) Dino nk patch up balik but i tell him off during his birthday.
3) Stead & break off with Joe.
4) Had a on & off friendship going to r'ship with Addey.
5) Hasri nk patch up balik BUT at last he's not................................ sincere enuff!
6) Kene tgl dgn these two design guys in a nowhere destination that does not hav any bus or taxi.
7) Kene threaten to kene tglkan with this guy who demanded that i kiss him as a b'dae kiss.
8) Kene threaten that i'm an ungrateful, scheming fucking bitch by an Indian divorcee guy that pretends to be a mly just because he's a convert.
9) Kene harassed with this negro s-league footballer who claimed to be so in love with me...
10) Kene halau 2 times dgn my own dad.
11) Kene backstab with my own aunts.
12) Had two unplanned & unnecessary "flings" with two guys which i regret a lot & lots.
13) Known a lot & lots of guys at Showtec.. which makes me confused.
14) Change job from part time to full time then to another full time job.
15) Kene threaten by a Showtec part timer's crazy girlfriend.
16) Nearly stead with Effendy or Shaizli.
17) Involved in lots & lots of part time/independent jobs that i thought could make money.
18) Became more renggang & jauh with my own best friend.
19) Then i met & fall in love with him (My guy).

Why did i fall in love with him?

First of all i have to say that i used to dislike older guys. Esp one more than 10 yrs.
I remember when a fren of mine stead with a guy 7 yrs older.. ppl was like making a big deal with it.
But now since i'm older & i had an experienced steadying with an older guy b4 (although its unintentional) i dun really mind abt it..
Secondly, he's a divorcee.. when i was younger, i nvr imagine that i wld stead with a divorcee. But i've learnt to accept it simce there are so many divorcee nowadays.
Out of 10 guys that i know, maybe 4 will be a divorcee.. I dun really mind as long as i know that the divorce is not caused by them (eg: abusive marriage, drunkard, jobless..etc)
I just take it that they are not meant to be together and they choose the wrong ones to be their partners. How abt their children? I don't mind too as long as they can accept me.

Out of all the guys above & lots more that i've known this yr... why did i choose him ehk?

I'm still trying to find the ans too since we are definitely the opp of each other..
Maybe b'coz his determination is high and he does not give up easily..
Maybe because i'm attracted to his shyness (which is now gone btw...)
Maybe because he just come at the right time & at the right moment..
Maybe because we instantly clicked on the first meeting...
Maybe because he always makes me happy & he's so sweet...
Maybe because mmg jodoh aku dah tertulis with him................

Whatever it is.. that's all that i can write about 2007.
Hope that 2008 will be more meaningful with him by my side & i hope i learnt more.
Hope i can get a better job & get married.
Amin...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA TO ALL...
Semoga diberi cahaya yg baru & keinsafan pd semua..

I've just found out something from the Internet.

Valium Abuse and Addiction:
Valium is a benzodiazepine with properties of being a sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, amnestic and muscle relaxant drug. Valium is generally used to treat short term moderate to severe anxiety or insomnia. The drug has been shown to lead to the development of tolerance, physiological and psychological dependency when used for long periods.

Uses of Valium:
Valium is useful for the management of anxiety disorders or for the short-term relief of the symptoms of anxiety. In cases of acute alcohol withdrawal, Valium may be useful in the relief of hallucinations, paranoia, acute agitation, tremors, or acute delirium tremens. Valium is a useful for the relief of muscle spasms, spasticity caused by neurological disorders (e.g. cerebral palsy and paraplegia), stiff-man syndrome; and tetanus.

Side Effects of Valium Include:
CNS- lethargy, fatigue, difficulty walking, mental confusion, depression, difficulty with speech, headache, dizziness, tremor and sleepiness GI: constipation, nausea, vomiting GU: loss of bladder control, impotence, failure to maintain erection Heart- slow heart rate, low blood pressure and shock. HEENT: altered vision, double vision, Skin: skin rash, urticaria. Other: hiccups, mouth dryness, liver problems Sometimes an individual will develop paradoxical reactions to valium which may include anxiety, hyperexcitation, hallucinations, increased muscle spasticity, insomnia, anger and insomnia. All individuals who take long term valium should have their liver function regularly monitored.

Dependence:
Long-term valium usage generally leads to some form of tolerance and/or dependence. It is estimated that up to 50 percent of patients prescribed diazepam for 6 months at therapeutic dosages are physically dependent. Withdrawal symptoms due to abrupt discontinuation may include • Insomnia • Anxiety • panic attacks • fast heart rate/palpitations • Hypertension • Depression • Tremors/ hyperactivity • sweating • Loss of appetite • agitation and mental clouding Therefore, any individual on long-term or high dosage of valium should be slowly and carefully weaned off the drug, preferably under medical supervision by a physician who is a specialist in addiction medicine. Withdrawal symptoms can usually be avoided or minimized by use of a long half-life benzodiazepine and very gradually tapering off the drug over a period of many weeks or even months.

DEAR,

I'M SO VERY SAD TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.............

I THINK I'VE COMPLETELY LOST IT.

MANA NAK DEAL WITH BPK AKU YG BELO AND THEN HE'S IGNORING ME OUT OF SUDDEN.

ONLY GOD KNOWS THE PAIN & HURT.

MIGHT AS WELL I DIE RATHER THAN I FEEL THIS PAIN AGAIN.

DATS WHY I DUN WANNA BE IN A R'SHIP ANYMORE ONLY IF IT BRINGS YOU PAIN & MORE PAIN.

I USED TO THINK THAT HE WON'T EVER HURT ME.

BUT TODAY PROVES TO BE DIFFERENT.

I"M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HIM BUT HE, HIMSELF DOESN'T WANTS ME TO UNDERSTAND HIM.

MAYBE YOU THINK THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU BUT.......................

ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.