I'm so stressed right now...
Mana nk fikir psl rumah, psl diri sendiri, psl wedding...
Psl duit... n now... he max out his credit card again!!!!
Mintak maaf but the damage is done.. Now i have to sort out his pay too...

Dear blog...
Life is full of mystery u know...
And today.. I had a shock of my life...
U know who i met today? Its HANIS.
Yeah.. my god daughter... and she's a big girl now...
It all started this morning.. when this sarifie guy came...
I saw him brought someone... But I did not looked up..
Coz I actually do not want to look at him... Coz of the past..
what he did... I heard sharon asked him "u bring ur daughter uh?"
First time nampak dia bwk.. n then after that he asked her to salam aku...
Bila aku angkat muka.. I had a shocked... Its like a dream...
How could she be in front of me??? N this is her dad???
Aku tergamam.. n aku try to ask her nama dia lage.. N its the same name...
N aku then ckp nie ur daughter? Then he said YES!!! Oh my god...
After that dia pon balik.. N then aku was in daze.. aku blom puas tgk hanis n nk tanya khabar dia.. So in split decision n kejar dia... Nasib dpt jumpa dia kat bwh...
N then bebual2 sikit.. I was so happy.. But fie... dia spoilt aku nya happiness...
So stuck up like he thought I wanted to take his daughter away..
N then knape dulu tk jaga btol2??? N i know his daughter way before I know him...
N after I broke up... when i search for hanis.. And all the while bpk dia is just beside me.... What a twisted thg kan??
Isshhh.. geram sey aku... geram... Tapi tkpe... janji dpt jumpa dia jap... N then balik pulak terjumpa kwn ite lama.. hopefully lah no more suprises lage..

Dear blog...
Today I took leave for my fiancee's birthday...
Aku mmg maseh marah towards him... Tapi biasalah...
Marah2 sayang... N skali aku lupa yg pagi aku ada counselling service...
Hehe.. Tk sangka betol yg aku pegi counselling...
The counsellor is nice and handsome... Faham akan masalah aku..
N wan pulak tk percaya.. Masa baru2 jumpa of course lah maseh ada tension but the whole day was very fun.. And we love each other so much...
There is no turning back now... Gd news yg the HDB had approved our appeal and we got our HLE today... Yahoo..!!!
Now hopefully we got our flat pulak!!! Amin.... Amin....
Please... please... we really really need a flat... Amin...

My fiancee is very cruel... He doesn't care about me anymore.
I don't even know if he really loves me or not...
He makes me feel sad & cry everyday..
He does not appreciate all the thgs that I had done for him.
And he does not want to reply to my messages. And he did not wanna call me.
He is so rude that he did not even say thk you for the birthday gift that I picked.
He is like a completely diff person than the one that I love.
Wats the point in living anyway? I might as well just die tomorrow.

I am really sad & dissapointed today... Coz of him.
I was actually kind of good mood today and I look forward to see him later and to pass him the present.. But everything went downhill when he didn't call me.
And I had to find him instead to hear a bad news!!! Called his office and his home.

Okay fine... I know that he's probably sick n on mc... But why can't he just call me?
Why must wait for me to call him?
He could just called me after he called his workplace or something... N I dun even know whether he's really sick or not... He seems fine yesterday...
Dunno he's lying thru his teeth or not.. even just to pass the thg also he did not want.
N he got the cheek to ask me to go there to his house!! Is it delivery service or wat? Slalu aje asyik nk kena dtg umah dia!! Makes me so mad.. Feels like throwing away his present!! N I had to leave it in the office..
All my efforts are wasted.. N i really felt like taking a cab home n just go to sleep!! Instead i spend my last few penny at Causeway Point!!! Dat calms me down a little.

Today I had some free time so I decided to search for my fiancee's present...
I was actually in a lazy mood to shop.. but i felt like eating the cold storage chicken n my feet brought me to Metro... Actually my initial plan was to buy him a key chain with the letter R. I bought it for someone a few yrs back.. n i really like it coz it has some description on it too. But i juz thought that it may be too small.. So i started to try n see what is the belt price (the ones that he likes).
But it turns out to be quite expensive, for a belt.. N i'm really not too sure which one that he likes... So I source out other thgs.. N i remember what he told me abt his beg..
N then I found a few perfect one.. I'm really scared that he won't likes it.. So i tried to choose somethg similar to the ones that he usually used. The beg is not cheap... So I hope that I make the right choice. And after it was wrapped, i turns out to be so big.. Bigger than the original planned key chain which I could hide in my room. The keychain, btw, is no longer there... So dissapointed.
And then I decided to meet him tomorrow to passed him as an advance present... But to be opened on his birthday instead. Actually he left his hp at work.. So, when he called me, I told him that kalau dah confirm, cannot cancel coz the thg is quite big and I dun want to bring it back n forth... He said okay n promised me not to OT...

Today is our 2nd year anniversary!!
I'm so happy today.. Coz 2 yrs is a really big deal to me...
We had gone thru ups and downs so much...
And I'm happy that we could make it thru.. We did not get each other a present...
Coz both had little money.. and i thot i should get him something for his birthday..
We didn't do anything much today.. except for maybe choose a dressing table for the wedding.. Coz my mood was spoilt coz he commented on my stomach n abt hari raya..
but actually coz i was feeling bloated already... n the pain had already started for my menses.. which is due today.. but so far nothing comes out...
Not such a great day for anniversary... But its okay...

And then after the great outing...
He ignored me for three days.. because he only work n sleep...
which makes me mad... because we got no time to talk at all...
And I got something urgent to talk... N he sleeps!!
What make it worst is that when aku skola... and aku ckp dgn dia jgn tido dulu n then he sleeps.. So, on thursday.. he makes ammend n ckp nanti balik kerja dia jumpa aku...
So mood aku pon dah okay balik.... Skali guess what? Tgh aku semangat2... Terus nak jumpa dia at kedai kopi bukit gombak... And then dia alih2 ckp yg kwn dia fairuz tu ada...
Aku pon a bit peng.. Coz aku nk bebual dgn dia.. but dia ckp kwn dia dah kat situ from 5+ so aku thot bdk tu dah nk balik.. So aku lambat2 sikit.. Skali smp aku tgk mcm tgh rancak bebual.. And no chance at all to balik... Haizz.. Nasib.. Nasib... Aku mcm marah tau... Nasib Fairuz nie okay jgk... Tapi dia mcm suka bebual n tknak balik... sambung nya sambung smp kul 9+ and nasib bergerak jgk.. N then wan nk marah aku coz balik nk naik cab!! Padahal aku sebenarnya nk bebual dgn dia.... n then baru aku dpt tau yg dia sebenarnya ada pegi sumwhere... mcm tipu aku gitu coz tk bilang.. nampak sah dah muka guilty.. Boring!!!
Kalau nk kata,, aku mmg the most faithful gf yg ada.. So mmg no prob at all utk sape2 yg stead dgn aku.... Then balik ingat nk bebual kat tepon.. n aku ckp jgn tido.. but dia tido lage!!

Today.. I had a very happy day...
I already do most of the cleaning yesterday.. n go pasar.. n today, i wanted to go out with Wan.... Tapi ada masalah since Radea ajak aku teman kan dia go dat high tea.. But I can't coz its exactly tgh2 n Wan pulak kerja mlm... And aku really nk spend a peaceful time dgn Wan... but was kind of dissapointing when what you get is a guy playing with the ipod. That is not my fiancee... And we watch the sorority row movie which is not that thrilling at all...
But after dat, when we got to another place... things changed and i know that we both had missed each other much... :)
And our pizza did not came. :(
But today is overall a great day and i went back happy...

I know that its kind of bad... But today gotta be one of my relief n happiest day...
They are going back to Dubai!!!
I really2 feel that I've been gone thru so much these past one month....
N this is the day...it finally comes...
I feel so bad... As a human, I do make mistakes... I'm sorry aqueelah... I wanted to treat u nice... the same as all my siblings n cousins...
But... its very very difficult... I hope that when u're older, u wld understand whats going on between me n ur mum... I will make amends for it...
Same goes to nieshah... coz afterall... i'm still a normal human being.. I can't afford to be nice to ppl all the time.. I'm nt an angel... Coz I have feelings too...
N anyway.. ptg aku go Kaki Kaki for the foot reflex.. still very painful u know... m then aft dat jumpa radea... mkn KFC... aku bilang dia there's also gd news.. Dewi dah dpt a baby girl!!
N aku ingat nk singgah umah epah.. tapi dia senyap je.. So aku pon tk jadi lah...
Wan lage senyap.. buatkan aku marah je.. tapi nasib aku tau yg dia not feeling well...
Kadang2 risau jgk asal dia asyik nt feeling well aje... Haizz...

Today i met wan.. he's actually supposed to work pagi...
But he text me in the morning saying that he actually forgot that dia ada 2 days course...
So now dia dah missed satu n today dia kena balik...
Aku suroh dia balik rupanya dia tk balik... Dia gi main game smp ptg..Aku balik..
N we go to dhoby ghaut... to redeem my so-called prizes.. Luckily... aku dpt lepas.. no need to stay for one & half hr... hehe..
Prize pon bknnya betol.. then we eat bk n went back...
Masa dlm train tu lah.. ada salah faham psl anak dia.. N aku was really sad...
Aku pon tk tau whether worth it or not.. Coz i married him not to become a stepmum...
Dia salah faham.. I dun hav anything against he daughter... N...
I like children.. but not spoilt children...
I just hope that everythg would went well after marriage...
I really dun feel like having a tortured life even after marriage...
If not, why wld ppl get married at all kan?? N typical of him... He would just sleep it off while i keep on crying & thinking abt the matter...
Typical. Very typical...

Aku bgn dgn good mood today....
Coz aku boleh keluar senang.. Uda dah smp!!
Aku pon kejutkan Athirah...
N we play laptop outside... Aman & damai...
Nanti aku nk keluar dgn wan pegi umah makcik dia n umah angah...
Rupanya ingatkan panas hingga ke petang.. rupanya hujan di tgh hari...
Kau imagine lah... Aku dahlah tk mkn breakfast...
N dia mata merah... terus nk hentam aku...
Aku pagi dah tlg sidai kain.. abeh lepas tu dia boleh nk msk dlm bilik suroh aku lage cuci pinggan mangkuk kat tangki!!
Ewah.. ewah... dia yg mkn tadi.. nk suroh aku.. Ingat aku maid dia ke pe...
Dlm byk2 org.. mesti nk suroh aku ke pe.. dia yg lage tua ke pe... apa mesti aku je yg buat??
N knape dia tk boleh buat sendiri ke?? N bila aku hegeh2.. terus dia msk dlm bilik aku lage lah!!!
Dia ckp nanti aku nk buat laz minute... dah nk keluar.. tk buat kerja pape.. yelah... punya peng lah aku... nk attack aku bila org tkda kat dlm bilik!!
Aku mmg sengaja tknak buat.. Coz ikutkan aku nya degil nie.. mmg aku won't/refuse to take orders from her. Sedangkan family aku sendiri aku leh defy tau.. Apa kan lage dia...
N aku sengaja buang sampah kat luar n nangis... pastu msk dlm... maki2 under my breathe...
Such a fucking bitch kan?? Asal ehk dpt makcik mcm gini?
Terus mood aku spoil the whole day.. Tgk Aqueelah pon aku marah...
Abeh pastu kena tgk anak wan lage... Satu image yg susah aku nk telan...
N she doesn't even seems like she like me wearing tudung.
Then bwk anak dia dtg umah angah.. n everybody was saying like dat is my daughter n nk kena ungkit sumer kisah2 lama... Do i look like i care abt kamal n his wife?????????????
Do I Care???????? Dahlah benci aku just to hear abt the names...
Aku pon tk tau lah... Just not my day lah today...
Aku rasa aku dah nearly nk go into depression...
Dapat laki pon yg tk supportive.. N thinks of himself je...
Tk tau dilemma seorang perempuan tu mcm mana... Consider he's lucky lah dpt stress free kahwin dgn aku.. Aku yg sorg kena byk worries...

I'm so excited today!!
Today first time dpt jalan raya dgn Wan & My friends from school...
So happy.. dpt kenal kan dgn tunang lah katakan...
Coz aku tk jemput dorang pe masa aku tunang...
Then smlm dpt tau yg May nya wedding is today... So terkelam kabut lah aku sikit...
Tapi aku sebenarnya happy dpt escape mak busu.. haha...
So.. pagi mak wan dah pakai kereta nk pegi check up kat poly...
N then aku dah kejut wan.. dia pon naik kereta amek aku...
Aku dah really excited... Sempat beli stepper exercise machine from Ebay.
Org dia hantar kat umah..
Then bila wan dah smp.. Aku ingat nk suroh dia singgah.. tapi psl dah lambat.. so tk payah lah...
Terus isi minyak n go to Simei nya wedding...
From there terus pegi umah fifi at Pasir Ris.. N as usual... comments2 yg aku tknak dgr...
Tapi tkpelah.. Major mistake.. aku terbiarkan wan sorang kat luar... Lupa lak yg dia first time...
Then terus proceed to next house... Abeh bila dh ptg, dah pening kepala pulak.. Benci aku kalau dah pening smp gitu... Then terus by the time nk smp umah kiya je... Aku dah tk tahan.. n aku dgn wan pon terpaksa balik... Tk continue...
Tapi kita bkn balik terus.. Cuma rest jap, beli teh tarik n then singgah umah parents dia pulak.
Baru terus gi umah abah. Balik nearly after midnight.... So tired....
Tgh tunggu uda & athirah dtg je...

I think my life is very difficult now...
I think I could not FOCUS... In times like dis, I wish I had a mum... A perfect family...
But dats not gonna happened...
I really hate the bitches in my life.. Since aku secondary sch.. mesti je ada org nk target aku.. Start from Ustzh Yati to Christine Pizza Hut and Mak Busu..
N as kat tempat kerja.. Aku tk tau who is more bitcher... Joanna or Sharon..
Aku tk sangka aft all these sufferings.. comes a person more viscious that anyone that I've ever met!
Which is Mak Busu... Aku tk sangka........ N she's consider an Aunt!!
What the helll....
I really2 need a house right now.. Desperately seeking...
I hope Tuhan bukakkan aku pintu rezeki seluas-luasnya... Aku tknak forever hidup dlm keadaan sebegini.. Like ppl think that I owe them..
Padahal its not my fault that my fate is like dis!!!
So I have to change my fate...
Aku seboleh bolehnya tknk menumpang kat rumah sesiapa lage...
Its juz my luck dat I got such an un-supportive spouse...
Not a word of kindness or comfort from him........
Now i've realized that I could not depend on him.
In fact, he's the one depending on me... I dunno whether this is called LOVE?
Or is it something else? I'm tired to see that Wan tk pernah usaha utk apa yg dia nak....
I think he is used to ppl giving him wat he wants...
Now my family kind of dun like him.. Coz dia tk pernah nk amek hati family aku...
Now....... what shall I do?
Wan tk pernah rasa apa yg aku rasa selama nie...
Dia mana pernah ada kesusahan.. Cuma ex wife dia je yg buatkan kesusahan dlm hidup dia... Maybe ada hikmah jgk.. Kalau tk, dia tkkan pernah wakes up...
Aku still sayang dia sama.. Cuma maybe.. Ada yg lain...
Aku hope.. Kita kuat utk hadapi ini semua...
Our 2nd year anniversary is also coming... I wonder whether it will make us closer or further away.. Skrg pon dah rasa jauh... coz jarang bebual n jumpa anymore...

Today is second day raya.. Pagi2 je dah ada problem lage!! Nasib baik lah dorang nk keluar beraya...
Haizzz.. Nasib.. Nasib... I reaallly hate to be in this kind of situation!! Niari ada byk org dtg jgk...
So at least okay sikit.. Bsk dah kerja..Yay.. Yay..! First time aku tk sabar nk dtg balik kerja!! Wan tk dtg umah aku.. so nenek asyik bising je.. Haizz....

Aku dah agak dah yg aku akan sakit hati pada ptg raya...
Everythg is dissapointing since i'm alone at home and that bitch is alwayz attacking me!!! I really2 hate it!!!
Perangai mmg tk berubah2 walaupon umur dah tua n anak dah nk msk dua!!
N she is born to be bossy and she is teaching her daughter to be the same!!
It will go on for generations and generations...
First day raya.. mmg dah ada lots of problems... I am so unhappy!!
I wish that I'm married n could be with Wan.. But Wan is so dissapointing too..
Tk wish aku pon Selamat Hari Raya...
Then I got a flu n I slept while nek uda & family dtg... Haizzz....
Uda & family pon tkda.. It's so boring!!!
The whole day is like a disaster and I did not enjoy it a bit... Nasiblah aku tk amek pape leave this year..

Alhamdullillah... Dpt jgk aku sambut hari raya today...
N dpt jgk aku kasi mak wan kueh seperti yg dijanjikan... This is the hari raya thet aku sambut as wan's fiancee... Hopefully everythg wld went well today... & seterusnya...
Amin...
SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI 2009 UTK SEMUA!!
MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN.

Life was hectic these past few days from last week...
Took a lot leave utk buat kueh...
Initially I do not enjoy this coz mak busu balik early from Dubai...
Gosh... buat kueh lage... Aqueelah kacau...
Perangai mmg tk berubah walaupon anak dah nk msk dua...
Still so bossy & infuriating... Aku mmg nk lari umah angah...
Tapi tk sempat dia dah balik siang...
N aku rasa.. dia mmg tk suka kita tgl situ.. haha..
Kau tunggu jelah nxt yr aku beli umah... Tk payah nk bother sumer org lage!!

Monday.. very hectic.. nk abiskan kerja before aku leave... colleagues sumer mcm sial... Dah tau aku puasa n all.. Tapi kasi aku stress... Aku wonder knape ehk aku yg mcm byk buat kerja kat company tu?? Benci.. Esp Sharon and 2nd Joanna.. psl dia kuncu Sharon.

Alhamdullilah.. kueh berjaya siap on time.. sumer dah collect...
Tapi untung tk memadai... On wed dpt pegi geylang.. beli langsir utk bridal room..
Cantik! Now tgl tunggu beli cadar je...
On thurs morning, wan amek aku from work........ so nice of my dear...
Love you... Kdg2 boleh buat aku marah bila malas... tapi i knw dat in watever he do, he will think of me... Then balik nk kena hantar cake to Sharmila (leceh!) and buka seoul garden dgn limah & syimah...
Now tgl masak juadah utk hari raya.. Nasib tk penat sgt.. malas tau kalau org buat kerja n tk tau nk kemas sendiri... boring!! Umur dah lanjut...
N pls jgn nk suroh2 aku... I'm not your maid okay!! Malas nk layan org2 mcm gini...
I think I hate Mak busu tu same like I hate Sharon.
When they are ard, there is some kind of a heavy feeling in my heart.

Today... I got to buka with wan at Swensens.. Skali terjumpa mak andam aku pulak kat situ... Kak Juls...
Then aku pegi beli brg utk bwk to wan's mum... Kesian aku tgk cik terbaring je at sofa...
Aku belikan dia pati ikan haruan n she drank it... ckp terima kasih kat aku...
Makcik & Pakcik is a sweet couple lah.. Cuma kesian anak2 tk brape rapat sgt dgn dorg...
Except for maybe Jamil...
Bpk dia pon ckp dgn aku psl dia nk kasi wan S$10K utk beli kereta...
Aku mmg lah rasa okay.. tapi aku rasa sayang... Kan lebih baik duit S$10K tu buat utk duit kita kahwin... Yg tk tau entah cukup ke tak...
My fiancee's feeling? Juz say that maybe his feelings is void... Kdg2 tk faham lah...
Maybe dia ada some past issues with them...
Hopefully bila dia dah lama2 dgn aku.. his feelings wld be more... nt towards me aje but towards his parents...
Of course I love my fiancee very much no matter what happens...

I had fun yesterday... After the GST seminar is a bit hectic...
Nak terkejar2 ke sana & ke mari... First go bank, n then go admiralty bank...
Then go to sinderella shoes...
Then got to go Kaki Kaki for foot reflex... Its damn painful... my left feet..
Stress sey... Then aku mit Radea.. Arnold dah full...
But the last part was fun.. Dpt jgk mkn Arnolds!! Woohoohoo....
So yummy!! Why ehk?
At last balik nearly kul 11 pm...
Hopefully dis sat dpt keluar dgn wan lage best & meaningful...