CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY:

What makes people happy?

1) Having purpose - which means doing something in your life that has meaning for you.
2) Having hope - which means you have something to look forward to.

Even if your current circumstances are difficult, if you have hope that your effort will be rewarded and that thgs will improve, you can find happiness.

Happy ppl accept themselves as they are, so they can have a peace of mind.

And last but not least... Having someone to love...

"Happy people make a decision to be happy in spite of their problems..." :)

14th Feb 2008:

Today i'm so very happy and very suprised to get a bouquet of flowers/bear/chocs from him... Nvr expected it lor... Coz he's juz not that type... N some more its my first time to get this suprised...
I nearly died of heart attack coz i thot it was from someone else... haha...
Then ppl at Showtec were all asking me abt it... So paisey lor...
He already give me an mp3 as a present the day before... Plus a swensens treat..
That already costs a lot of money...
Yeah lor... I do believe that he loves me lots & lots more... more than anyone else...
But, why do i always doubt him?? Stupid of me ryte? Always kept on thinking of that damn guy.. I promise to love him more than ever after this...
Love you dear!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL!!!

For the record... Me & him... We are happy together again...
Contented. Blessed. Just hecked care what ppl wanna say...

Plus God has finally given me a first sign that he is really the one for me.
Now the only worry is for us to earn & save lots of money for our wedding and future...

Smlm tergerak hati nak check Who viewed me....
That's when i saw ur damn nick... Why must u view my profile again??
I really dun understand... I really hope you can find a gerl who loves you more than I do... And i hope we dun ever cross path again in the future.

Friday, 18/01/08:

I've already know that its a bad sign if i've been sick for so long.

There is something bothering me.. and i can't just let it go.

And now to add to the list of ppl against my r'ship with him is Auntie!
I thought she supported him but aft she met him... It seems that she changes her mind.

I'm more worried coz...
Old ppl must know more than us... And she already said that when she met him at Bobby's wedding the other day, she can see that our face doesn't match as husband & wife (as in tkda iras that meants kita tkda jodoh..).
She only told me that's what she can see coz she already experience her 2 children going thru divorce n she told me that when at that pt of time she also told them the same thg and they still insist to get married and now they end up in a divorce.

But, she did told me to bring him to see my grandma and if my grandma is okay with him, she won't say anythg coz she insists that old ppl knows the best.

And why my 2nd sis is so against it...
My auntie is also against it... (Although she does not express it)...

Even his ex wife told him that she pity his FUTURE WIFE for marrying a guy like him. Somethg is definitely fishy here ryte?

As for me...
I kept feeling that i'm so stupid if i stay in a r'ship that doesn't makes me happy at all.. (Yeah, i'm definitely truly feels unhappy now!)
I'm bothered abt his past. I'm scared of the future.

Yeah its true that ppl can accept a divorcee.. And be happy with them.
But not:
A divorcee with lots of missing pieces in his life.
A divorcee with lots of things to clear and lots of probs to settle ryte.
A divorcee who somedays acts normal but other days acts weirdly.

And he doesn't even bother to convince me AT ALL that everythg is not true.
Doesn't even bother to reply to my anniversary wish. Yg the 2nd wish tu i can at least forgive him for not replying coz he's still sick.
But last nyte? There is no excuse ryte...

I have made a decision that i won't marry him as long as i'm not convince that he's the one for me.

I really hope Allah will give me a sign. Please... Just a sign.
I do not want to make a decision that i will regret all my life.
To be stuck in an unhappy marriage... that's the worst!!

Aft i've let out my feelings, i hope i will feel much more better.

01/01/2008 Tuesday.

I think i must be going crazy now...
Much more crazier than before.

Coz despite of what the ppl ard him are saying abt him & his dark past (which i dunno how to react when hearing the NEWS), i'm still sticking by his side till today...
Maybe it's just that i dun have the heart to tell him.
And i dun wanna brought up the subject to him in case it creates more probs between us that can arise frm this whole damn complicated situation.
So i juz kept quiet & acts extra happy. Haha!

Plus, i've already promised his family to take care of him.. forever?
Now, its the other way around pulak..

So, i have decided to give him another chance for 2008.
Coz maybe life has been unfair towards him.
Maybe he did that thgs coz he's not even aware of the situation.
Maybe he did not even remember what he did in the past...

That's why i'm so happy yesterday coz i was hoping that we can start a new beginning together.
My resolution for 2008 is for me to be happy always, cry lesser & earns lots & lots of money for my future.
I hope that i'm able to love him more than my love towards him now...
Coz i'm definitely convinced that he loves me more than i do. :(

Sometimes when i look at him, i still wonder whether is he really my jodoh?
And why did God pick him out of all as my jodoh?
And as for what i know, everythg happens for a reason...
And if di-takdirkan he will be my jodoh later on & become my husband...
I will have to accept him with all my heart.

I will not write a blog anymore in case if one day he reads it.
Coz i won't have him knowing all my thoughts & what's inside my mind anymore.
It doesn't matter if i'm the one suffering & worrying alone.
No matter what, i must know him more than he knows me.
This blog is supposed to be a private thing.
Unless if there is really a need to then i will write but only abt happy thgs.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!!
May the new year brings more happiness & prosperity to this world.

IS LOVE JUST AN ILLUSION?

28/12/2007 Friday:
Its nearly the ending of 2007...
I had came across a very good blog today from a guy's perspectives of love...
I will copy & paste it here:

If true love exists, why do we fall in & out of love? If we are now ‘in love’ with someone new, does that mean our past relationships were just lies, or products of our minds?
I believe that while some love relationships are genuine, others are merely illusions supported by our beliefs.
A gal may convince herself she is in love with a guy because he happens to satisfy her criteria of an ideal partner. Likewise, a guy may believe he loves a gal because he is lonely and longs for a love relationship.
So how do you tell if yours is for real? Only YOU can answer that.
Can you stop loving a person and love another? Yes, definitely.
Does that make you a fickle person? Not necessarily.

Love, as in any relationship, has its upswings and downswings, and quite often, it fails.
You may stop loving the person completely or you may choose to quit the relationship, even if feelings still exist. Perhaps staying on would have destroyed whatever love is left. Perhaps continuing the relationship will only ruin your future. So you quit the relationship. But did you quit on LOVE?
I’ve been through a few failed long-term relationships. One was doomed because I was naïve. Another got nipped in the bud because SHE was naïve. Third one went bust because the illusion it was based on could no longer be sustained. A forth crashed because time revealed the ‘love’ to be nothing more than a close friendship. *sigh*
If true love does exist, how could we love one person after another? I admit I loved every single one of my ex-es, albeit each differently. I still think of them & wish them well. But my heart remains mine to give. And I have.
To the one I pray will be my true companion, who will walk life’s winding road with me till death do us part.

So.. now it makes me wonder if i had 4 ex-es, do i love all of them?
The answer is a definite NO.
I've only truly love a person only (going to two if it includes my current guy) and aft that it was only a mutual feeling of Like+Sayang+Blinded.
Then hw abt all the other guys who claimed to love me?
That's when i have to be smart & differenciate between Love with Lust.
Guys will always wanna get to know/be in a r'ship with a gal with a great body & if she comes with a beautiful/sweet/pretty face & fair skin then its consider a bonus.
So does that means that they Love me?
Definitely no ryte... As if i'm that stupid.
I'm not a bimbo okay... But yes, i used to be a fool.
Coz i've always hope & dreamt of r'ship sort of like the fairytales & romance novels/dramas/movies.
So when i'm face with cold truth abt the real deal with r'ships in the real world...
I'm a bit taken aback. And sumtimes i can feel that i'm completely disgusted with men that are totally into sex.
But, when i think again, sex is actually a great thing for bonding & chemistry between couples but it's only when both parties truly love each other & not doing it half heartedly.
Dats why i'm always reluctant to go on first dates & only went out as far as one date with most guys.
Because i know that they will only lust after me and that is not Love.
How many handsome, boyish, gd looking matreps have i gone out with?
A LOT! And they are highly sought after by other gerls i'm sure.
But. Most of these types are not the type to fall in love.
Or rather they just want a trophy gf that can satisfy their lust.
One fine example is Zali. I think he considers me a trophy gf that he can show off to his frenz plus i'm like so stupid to continue & stay with gd for nothing guy like him ryte.
That's why i often wonder why people who made a sacred vow during marriage can break their promise so easily...
Do they take it so un-seriously? Or did they simply choose the wrong ones?
But why during the courtship, they didn't realized that they are not meant to be together? Why realized it aft marriage?
It is such a complicated thing ryte?
Plus if u hav made a grand wedding & such.. When ur relatives & frenz had all known abt it... Its not like u're in r'ship where not everyone will know abt it. And you will be embarassed & it will affect your future r'ship in a lot of ways.

"After a divorce, i can see that at least one party will suffer more that the other.
And all i can say is that it takes a lot of patience & encouragement & definitely true love for someone to be with a divorcee."

I will write abt my 2008 resolutions in my next entry. :)

I am truly grateful to you for giving my boyfriend back to me.
Thank you!

But.. i'm kinda dissapointed to hear another story from him..
Everytime its a different story that dissapoints me.
I think its best that i don't hear anymore stories from his past that can affects the r'ship.
Thats all.
We shld all look forward to the future.

Saturday, 22/12/07, 11 pm:

I know that i told ya that yesterday will be my last blog...

But i can't help it coz i'm really sick today. Plus really sad too.
So i felt that i should let out my feelings since there's nobody that can help me.
I didn't even go out with anybody today.

I think there's no more life left in me. That's why i'm so weak today.

God, pls help me...
Pls show me the right path whether i should or should not continue this r'ship?

I will feel very bad if i leave him coz i know that it's not his choice to be sick & it's not his fault that he's acting this way.
But on the other hand, it also makes me suffer... If i have to endure this, then there'll be no more meaning in my life anymore.

Friday, 21/12/07, 11.30 pm:

I felt like that i've missed him very much.. but i have to be really strong.
I must see if he failed this test or not.
Only 2 short mths & our r'ship had became the sort of r'ship like a 20 yrs old r'ship.
It has lost its touched & romance and its not getting stronger.
I really can't live a life full of sins,stressed,feeling of unloved,lack of trust..
When i saw him doing all the thgs that he have been doing since the illness, i could just see the traces & imagine what his life had been in the past.
So full of.......... sins & lowly life.
I don't care abt his past. As long as he did not repeat the same mistakes again.
But.. i just felt like...
The sweet & respectable part of him that i fell in love with is gone....................
He kept saying that i can't expect him to be the same all the time.. that his perangai at diff2 places are not the same.. but, ppl dun juz change in a blink of eyes ryte?
Does not even bother to make an effort to call or msg me anymore...
I really hope that i didn't make the wrong choice in life.
For me, marriage is a life long commitment.. and to pick the wrong guy as a husband is as gd as killing myself now.
Maybe you thought that i dun really love you..
But some thgs are just not meant to be said..
Maybe if aft this, we are not meant to be together, i will not find anyone anymore.
Unless if my family finds soeone for me then i will have to accept it.

This will be the last blog that i will write for this year.
Wishing you all a happy new year and i hope that 2008 will brings me so much more happiness rather than sadness.
That's my one & only wish that as long as i live in happiness... everythg that i've experienced, every pain & sadness that i felt will go away.

I dun understand why a random guy would even bother to msg me Selamat Hari Raya when my own guy didn't even reply my Selamat Hari Raya wish... Pelik kan...

I nearly cried when i saw the name that msg me was a diff name coz i was actually hoping it's him. And the best part was.. the guy's name happen to be Ridzwan too...

I think the flames just died when i didn't wanna to do anythg with him... i guess...

I knew that i did not imagine it when i said that i felt that he's changed aft he's sick............



Anyway i was thinking that, if i were to set up a joint account with him, i'm scared that if sumthing happens to the r'ship, there will be more trouble later on...

When the r'ship is only two months old, it's generally not strong enuff.. And when ujian alih2 melanda mcm gini, its really hard for the heart to take it..................................

2007: THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE GOOD & THE BAD.

Its nearing Christmas & New Year. Time flies so fast huh..
Tak lama lage dah nk msk 2008. And i'll be 22. Wow!

Nowadays i felt like there's sumting missing in my life. Like its getting too routine.
Pergi kerja, balik kerja. Sumtimes jumpa Wan. Itu aje.. so bored..
I need to do new things to make my life more interesting...
All my friends are lost. Dunno where they all go.

Everyday is like the same. Plus i have much to think about abt my future, abt him.
So its kinda stressful.. dunno why...

I dun like it. 2007 is not really a gd year but its not exactly a bad year..
Not as bad as 2006, i know.
3 break ups in a year. Wow!

But 1 thg i can say is that i've met a lot & lots of diff characters this yr that i'm convinced that human beings are indeed an unique creature.

Only one thg that saves this year from becoming a bad yr..
But that's only because i met & fall in love with him. :)

But lately... I felt diff lah.. dunno how to say. Its not that i wanna say that i dun love him anymore.
But its just that our r'ship is a bit diff aft he falls sick. We don't meet as often..
Dun msg as often.. Dun talk as often.. Can't email as often coz he's not working..
And he doesn't seems as happy & funny anymore...
Yeah.. maybe its due to the pressure & stress.
So i shld learnt to be more understanding kan...

My job? Nah.. i dun enjoy my job as much as i used too..
Because i found that lately sharon likes to create sumthing that is not even my mistakes.
She is definitely a gd & fun friend to everybody but if i have to rate her as a colleague..
She fails. I just can't describe it. She's not a bad person. I kinda like her.
Its just that she did not take work seriously and dumps all the thgs to me.
And then when sumting happens, she sort of blames me.
And i got no one to talk too.. since i can't talk to Joanna coz i'm scared that she's grown closer to Sharon & Sandy is out of picture lah since we are not even in the same dept.
That's why if can i wanna change job asap but at the same time, i also need that bonus.
Aku hope Tuhan beri aku kesabaran utk tempuh lage a few months at Showtec.

Since this yr, 2007, i've become officially 21 (an adult), i've matured a lot and i've fully understand the meaning of r'ship.
Its not abt the thrill, monkey love, sex or any of that craps.
The purpose of you getting married & become a couple is that for you to have a companion, a soulmate,a listening ear, a moral support that will go thru ups & downs with you, who appreciate you for being there in times of need, who will care for you when you're sick, who will stand up for you when you're bullied, who will grow old with you & provide you with love.
Sex is only a bonus that comes with it.
So.. why does ppl always prioritise sex when they can just treasure the r'ship & be thankful that they hav found someone that they love?

Highlights of the year:

1) Zali nk patch up balik aft that disaster break up under Charley's blk.
2) Dino nk patch up balik but i tell him off during his birthday.
3) Stead & break off with Joe.
4) Had a on & off friendship going to r'ship with Addey.
5) Hasri nk patch up balik BUT at last he's not................................ sincere enuff!
6) Kene tgl dgn these two design guys in a nowhere destination that does not hav any bus or taxi.
7) Kene threaten to kene tglkan with this guy who demanded that i kiss him as a b'dae kiss.
8) Kene threaten that i'm an ungrateful, scheming fucking bitch by an Indian divorcee guy that pretends to be a mly just because he's a convert.
9) Kene harassed with this negro s-league footballer who claimed to be so in love with me...
10) Kene halau 2 times dgn my own dad.
11) Kene backstab with my own aunts.
12) Had two unplanned & unnecessary "flings" with two guys which i regret a lot & lots.
13) Known a lot & lots of guys at Showtec.. which makes me confused.
14) Change job from part time to full time then to another full time job.
15) Kene threaten by a Showtec part timer's crazy girlfriend.
16) Nearly stead with Effendy or Shaizli.
17) Involved in lots & lots of part time/independent jobs that i thought could make money.
18) Became more renggang & jauh with my own best friend.
19) Then i met & fall in love with him (My guy).

Why did i fall in love with him?

First of all i have to say that i used to dislike older guys. Esp one more than 10 yrs.
I remember when a fren of mine stead with a guy 7 yrs older.. ppl was like making a big deal with it.
But now since i'm older & i had an experienced steadying with an older guy b4 (although its unintentional) i dun really mind abt it..
Secondly, he's a divorcee.. when i was younger, i nvr imagine that i wld stead with a divorcee. But i've learnt to accept it simce there are so many divorcee nowadays.
Out of 10 guys that i know, maybe 4 will be a divorcee.. I dun really mind as long as i know that the divorce is not caused by them (eg: abusive marriage, drunkard, jobless..etc)
I just take it that they are not meant to be together and they choose the wrong ones to be their partners. How abt their children? I don't mind too as long as they can accept me.

Out of all the guys above & lots more that i've known this yr... why did i choose him ehk?

I'm still trying to find the ans too since we are definitely the opp of each other..
Maybe b'coz his determination is high and he does not give up easily..
Maybe because i'm attracted to his shyness (which is now gone btw...)
Maybe because he just come at the right time & at the right moment..
Maybe because we instantly clicked on the first meeting...
Maybe because he always makes me happy & he's so sweet...
Maybe because mmg jodoh aku dah tertulis with him................

Whatever it is.. that's all that i can write about 2007.
Hope that 2008 will be more meaningful with him by my side & i hope i learnt more.
Hope i can get a better job & get married.
Amin...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA TO ALL...
Semoga diberi cahaya yg baru & keinsafan pd semua..

I've just found out something from the Internet.

Valium Abuse and Addiction:
Valium is a benzodiazepine with properties of being a sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, amnestic and muscle relaxant drug. Valium is generally used to treat short term moderate to severe anxiety or insomnia. The drug has been shown to lead to the development of tolerance, physiological and psychological dependency when used for long periods.

Uses of Valium:
Valium is useful for the management of anxiety disorders or for the short-term relief of the symptoms of anxiety. In cases of acute alcohol withdrawal, Valium may be useful in the relief of hallucinations, paranoia, acute agitation, tremors, or acute delirium tremens. Valium is a useful for the relief of muscle spasms, spasticity caused by neurological disorders (e.g. cerebral palsy and paraplegia), stiff-man syndrome; and tetanus.

Side Effects of Valium Include:
CNS- lethargy, fatigue, difficulty walking, mental confusion, depression, difficulty with speech, headache, dizziness, tremor and sleepiness GI: constipation, nausea, vomiting GU: loss of bladder control, impotence, failure to maintain erection Heart- slow heart rate, low blood pressure and shock. HEENT: altered vision, double vision, Skin: skin rash, urticaria. Other: hiccups, mouth dryness, liver problems Sometimes an individual will develop paradoxical reactions to valium which may include anxiety, hyperexcitation, hallucinations, increased muscle spasticity, insomnia, anger and insomnia. All individuals who take long term valium should have their liver function regularly monitored.

Dependence:
Long-term valium usage generally leads to some form of tolerance and/or dependence. It is estimated that up to 50 percent of patients prescribed diazepam for 6 months at therapeutic dosages are physically dependent. Withdrawal symptoms due to abrupt discontinuation may include • Insomnia • Anxiety • panic attacks • fast heart rate/palpitations • Hypertension • Depression • Tremors/ hyperactivity • sweating • Loss of appetite • agitation and mental clouding Therefore, any individual on long-term or high dosage of valium should be slowly and carefully weaned off the drug, preferably under medical supervision by a physician who is a specialist in addiction medicine. Withdrawal symptoms can usually be avoided or minimized by use of a long half-life benzodiazepine and very gradually tapering off the drug over a period of many weeks or even months.

DEAR,

I'M SO VERY SAD TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.............

I THINK I'VE COMPLETELY LOST IT.

MANA NAK DEAL WITH BPK AKU YG BELO AND THEN HE'S IGNORING ME OUT OF SUDDEN.

ONLY GOD KNOWS THE PAIN & HURT.

MIGHT AS WELL I DIE RATHER THAN I FEEL THIS PAIN AGAIN.

DATS WHY I DUN WANNA BE IN A R'SHIP ANYMORE ONLY IF IT BRINGS YOU PAIN & MORE PAIN.

I USED TO THINK THAT HE WON'T EVER HURT ME.

BUT TODAY PROVES TO BE DIFFERENT.

I"M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HIM BUT HE, HIMSELF DOESN'T WANTS ME TO UNDERSTAND HIM.

MAYBE YOU THINK THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU BUT.......................

ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

Ya Allah..
I thank you for giving him back to me, and for giving us a chance to be together.
Yeah of course i was afraid of losing him...
But you must know that i am just a normal human being afterall and i'm not that strong if u kept giving me more ujian yg i'm afraid that i'm not able to take.
I will continue to be strong to live my life but i've gone thru so much and i'm afraid that one day will be weak and gonna lose it..
Ya Allah,
Berikanlah hambamu ini kekuatan utk menempuhi segala cabaran ini.
Berikanlah aku kebahagiaan di dalam alam perkahwinan nanti.
Dun let this love fades away & dun let him change.
And.. pls block all my ears, heart & thoughts from ppl that likes to complicate and hurt my r'ship with him.
Amin.

Friday. 141207. 2130.

Dunno how to describe my feelings ryte now.

Sad.
Confused.
Angry.
Dissapointed.
Stressed.
Unhappy.
Moody.
Tired.

I dun understand why you're suddenly so different frm the guy that i used to know.

Like suddenly so weird u know. I felt so weird.

N.. I dun understand why out of the sudden you got this some kind of illness that came out of nowhere.

N, i've asked you before abt this and you've said no u dun have any..

SO.. WHY so sudden?

N furthermore u're always scaring me and sumtimes i can't barely understand what u're talking abt.

N mostly the only thg that i understand was that u always said that i'm gonna leave you.

Which is like unreasonable.. I've got no reasons to leave unless u're the one who's making the reason for me to leave you ryte...........

You're making me so stress dear... n i can't concentrate on my work at all.

Haizz..
You should have known why i cried yesterday...
Coz it hurts me a lot to see you in pain. :(
Then u kept saying that i'm gonna leave you and if somethg happens to you.. that i have to forgive you..
I don't understand that & i dun wanna understand that.
I really hope you'll get well soon...

WEDNESDAY 12.12.07 14.30:

I called NUH just now..

He's inside the EMERGENCY AGAIN!

God.. why do i have to bear all this torture?

Why can't i just have a calm & peaceful life without any pain & worries?

Please dun let anythg happen to him.

I wanted to cry again... :(