So upset sey now...

Why did she "buih" me sey?

Thot we are supposed to meet today... :(

Dah lama sey plan.. then at last jadi mcm gini?

Yesterday... Sharon told me not to get married coz her friend is going thru a divorce aft nine months of marriage and their lil baby is just 2 months old.

She said that their differences are too great for them to live together.

SO funny ryte? And the guy got another women already.

Sharon said for what they have the baby in the first place? Pity the baby ryte..

Then got another friend of hers which is divorce and both the parent dun wanna take in their two sons.

Reason coz the wife is lay off frm her job coz she took so many leave to spy on her husband and the husband dun wanna their kids coz he already got another woman.

WOW! Pity their kids kan...

There are so many divorces nowadays... thats why i'm scared to get married.

But if ever my marriage end up in a divorce(choy!), i will continue to be strong.

I'm not even sure whether i should blog abt this or not...

But for sure this will be my last entry on my family.

I can't even describe abt how i feel ryte now?

Sometimes i felt so lost that i almost did something that will lead me to a diff path in life.

I know the feeling of sadness will come and go.

But the hurt that you felt can last you a very long, long time...

For sure, i have believed that ppl who have suffered a lot in life will one day regain their happiness.

The "Hikmah" will come to those who believe in fate.

But, i've waited for a long 12 yrs of pain.. waiting for that a lil bit of happiness to come...

Yeah.. shopping, going out can give you the extra bit of happiness..

But its still not the same as having the love of a COMPLETE family..

And the unconditional pure love of giving but not expecting something in return...

That can only be found in a mother's love.

That's why i remember that i've grown attached to that Hanis gerl.. Zali's fren niece.. Such a cute, pretty lil gerl...

But so pitiful and unwanted by the family members...

Even her own mother doesn't want her.. I ever wonder what kind of mother is she?

You can feel the touched when she asked me whether i could be her mum?

Coz she said that her mum doesn't want her.. Such a poor thing..

I would surely have taken her to live with me if i have my own house.

But now, i can't see her anymore.. Since i'm not with Zali anymore.

I miss her so much!!

I used to believe in that fairytale crap with a happy ending.. which is completely unreasonable.

Which can lead to more broken hearts.

And i've always known that i still have a long way to go in life..

I'm not even sure of the path that i wanna take. That's not very good for a 21 yr old ryte.

If i could, then i wish i could dissapear far, far, far away......... into a land with no sadness.

As if that could ever happen.......

Maybe someone could just come and take me away??

Dissapointed in you.

I'm trying to help as a friend..

How can you ask ur gf to do that to ppl?

Ckp ikut sesuka hati je...

Why dun u talk to me instead?

That is so coward of you.

Aft this, i hope dun bother to msg me again.

I've long leave the world of ppl like you & ur gf.

Yeah maybe there's no one to help & protect me now when i'm in need like last time..

But i sure know that God will protect me always.

I hate you. Hate you very much.

I'm doing a favour for you and you dare to talk to me like that!!!!!!!!!

I'm already sick now and you have to make my day more....gosh.......

I muz control myself..

God.. why is life always unfair.

I'm so so sorry dear...

I didn't meant to make you angry...

Now i can't sleep coz i know that u're still angry with me...
:(

Say hello to the girl that I am!
You're gonna have to see through my perspectives.
I need to make mistakes just to learn who I am..
And I don't wanna be so damn protected.

There must be another way..
Cause I believe in taking chances..
But who am I to say..
What a girl is to do..
God, I need some answers..
What am I to do with my life?
(You will find it out don't worry)
How Am I supposed to know what's right?
(You just got to do it your way)
I can't help the way I feel...
But my life has been so overprotected...

I tell 'em what I like.
What I want, What I don't.
But every time I do I stand corrected..
Things that I've been told..
I can't believe what I hear about the world,
I realize.. I'm Overprotected..
There must be another way..
Cause I believe in taking chances..
But who am I to say...
What a girl is to do?
God I need some answers.........

Hmm... I sometimes wonder why...

Why i don't have a blessed life like other ppl?
Like other fortunate children? Somebody like Ayumanje? Haha...

In my 21 years of life.. I could only remember very little moments where i've not been suffering (except when i'm still a baby)... not watching my siblings suffering...
Although sometimes i suffer because of them...
But as an eldest daughter, it's only natural for me to be protective of them...

When i think again, yes.. there are many others much more unfortunate than me......
Like the physically and sexually abused children, children in 3rd world countries...

But.. but..

My dad.. haizz.. dunno what to say lah...

So sian...

So, he wants to claim all/everything? Count every single cents that he has spend on me?
Blame god for giving him such an unwanted unfillial daughter?
Blame himself (I quote) for not killing me when i was a baby?

So.. he wants me to give all my pay to him?
Be such a filial daughter?
Suffer endlessly till the end of my life because of him?

Sometimes i envy ppl with an easygoing, generous dad...
But its not like he's such a bad, bad dad... but... dunno how to explain lor...

Sometimes... I wish my mum is still here with me......

If i could just go far far away from here.........................................................
Could someone just come & take me away??

Saat ku rindu padamu............
Ku seru namamu bertalu.. Rimbunan rindu yang bertemu Menjadi lembaran cintaku.. Ku serah kepadamu..
Bila ku sebut namamu, Damai di ruang hatiku ini.. Ku seru namamu bertalu Menjadi lembaran kasihku Ku serah kepadamu..
Engkaulah yang satu mustika kalbuku Kasih dan rinduku, Hanyalah padamu Engkaulah kasihku tiada duanya.. Biar jadi hamparan Kasihku padamu.. Tanpamu siapalah aku...

Quote from Diana's blog:

"A Strong Woman is Someone Who Feels Deeply and Loves Fiercely.. Her Tears Just Flow As Abundantly as Her Laughter. A Strong Woman is Both Soft and Powerful.. She is Both Practical and Spiritual.. A Strong Woman in Her Essence is a Gift to All The World.."

Monday, 19th of Nov 2007:

I dun understand! Why do the tear still falls when i accidentally click on that stupid button?! Goodness me.. I must stop this madness. Why am i still thinking of him??

Sunday, 18th of Nov 2007:

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO BOTH OF US!

May there be lots & lots more of happy moments to come.......... :)

I think in life, we should just take one step at a time.

You can't possibly expect everythg to be in your way at one time.

So...

I must re-organize my life again.

Since they are so many changes now.

The time is flying so fast.. It's nearing end of the year now.

Next year will be 2008.

And i'm gonna be 22 years old.

Haizz..

But, i'm just thankful to god that i've found him.

HOW TO CONTINUE TO STAY POSITIVE WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOUR LIFE SUCKS:

1)Look on the inside. What are some qualities you have that you like about yourself? Are you funny? Are you intelligent? Are you sincere? Are you generous? What do you have pride in? Try focusing on the positive things in your life. You may be making huge influences to others even when you think you're useless.

2)Prove those negative thoughts wrong. When you find yourself in a bad mood, you could think of the negative things such as, "I'm dumb and annoying", "I'm better off dead", "I'm ugly, I wish I looked different", etc. Even though it's not true. Change your mind. Look for your good features, think about the ones that you know love you, look on your greater side. Realize that nobody's life is easy and that there will always be ups and downs, and moments of low self esteem. Don't automatically assume that nobody cares. Every person matters to someone. You're alive for a reason.

3)Appreciate what you see. Look in the mirror. Find some beautiful things about yourself.... Do you have nice skin? nice nails? beautiful eyes? full lips? Find stuff that appeals to you. When you can't change something, change your attitude towards it!

4)Determine why your life sucks. What can you do to make your life better? What do you desire to do? How do you want to feel? Make a few reachable goals and your own strategies. The first step is usually the hardest - getting help or admitting you need it.

5)Getting motivated. What motivates you? What gives you energy to go on everyday? Music? Love? Family? A 1km run? Yahweh, Allah, Buddha? Your attitude? Your pet? Friends? School? Boost your confidence and determination by encouraging yourself into thinking positive.

6)Remember that some things can pass with time. There will be a tomorrow. There will be a next week. There will be a next month and perhaps by then, things will change. Everything is going to be okay when you think it's going to be all right. You are in control of your life and though it might get worse, it'll get better eventually. It's temporary and it will change much sooner than you think.

7)Think about happy memories. Whenever you feel like the future is 'hopeless', think about vivid memories. It will help make you feel better and that in the future, there will be good things, too. Happiness would not exist without sadness - it's like the yin and yan. They just don't exist without each other. Think about all the things you want to experience,feel,achieve. There will be many great moments in your life - don't let a few obstacles get in the way.

8)Don't stop yourself from feeling the joy. It's okay to step back once in awhile and just enjoy the moment. Even in tough situations - it's important to smile and laugh here and there. Don't restrict yourself from doing things you love just because you think you'll be criticized to do. Don't just leave memories behind, but don't try to live in the past, either. Let yourself enjoy life even if you're not at the best place you could be. You only live once - make the best of it.

9)Develop a gratitude journal. It's pretty simple. At the end of every day, write down 5 things that have made you happy or appreciative that day -- not necessarily big things, even small ones count. For example: nice weather, being praised by my boss for getting an urgent errand done, my playful dog, kids and hubby kissing me goodbye before they went to school/work, a hilarious joke a mate shared, etc.

* To "go for it," simply get up and do it. There is a small voice inside saying "Get up!", and you need to do what it says... just dive in! Turn off the computer, turn off the TV, and get going!

* When you think positively, your whole views change about the world and you tend to look on the better, clearer side.

* Talk to others about how you are feeling. This will help you to feel less alone.

* If you feel something is lacking in your life, listen to your instincts and make the best out of it that you can. If you feel that you're not generous enough and that there's not enough harmony in your life, give something to your enemy that you think they would like or so. Giving anonymously is the best. Sniff a flower. Dance a little. Go outside and enjoy the fresh air, if and when you can.

* Find someone who has it worse than you and try to make their life better. Solving problems for others will help you find ways to solve your own.

* Give love, smile more often.

* Remember to be completely honest with yourself. The rest will follow.

* Whenever you hear yourself thinking a negative comment about yourself instantly replace it with a positive one.

* If someone says something negative about you, say to yourself "I refuse to accept that" and forget about it, don't give it a second thought. Replace it with something positive about yourself. Look at them for a moment and realize that they may be going through a rough time themselves and that these things come from insecurity. Show them love and move on. They probably don't mean it to direct at you but themselves. It's called self criticism, some people don't even realize they do such things.

* Don't blame yourself when you clearly haven't done anything wrong.

* Nobody is perfect, so don't go over the edge by setting unreachable goals.

Tiba-tiba engkau ada....

Kemudian engkau hadir.. Laksana kerdil ku memeluk...
Lihat aku lebih dalam...
Di matamu ku melihat... Ada cinta yg tersirat...
Sirami hati merebak...
Barangkali aku salah.. Ku terdiam bukan bisu... Tahu engkau besar malu..
Tutupi rasa gelisah...
Biar saja waktu nanti... Yang menikmati kisah ini...

Bersamamu aku senang...
Belum juga kah kau menyadarinya...
Akulah yg pantas untuk kau cintai... Di bawah langit biru aku bersumpah..
Diriku tanpamu apa artinya cinta.......
Arti cinta ini sudah menelan waktuku... Siang malam hanya untuk pikirkan engkau..
Sejuta kali aku berani bersumpah...
Diriku tanpamu apa artinya cinta...

13/11/07 10.21 AM --> Hmm.. I'm wondering why did he switch off his mobile?
Even though i know that he's going to Bt Batok driving centre.
Joanna is always telling me off like she's so superior like that.. which i kinda dun like.. Dunno why lah..
Maybe it's juz her character to be like that...

12/11/07 --> Just got an invitation from an old fren for her wedding.
Safawati. Its on Dec 2007..
That means this year i've already got 5 wedding invitations & an engagement.
Wow.... I guess next year will be full of weddings too.
I've already known some of them who's gonna tied the knot next yr.
I've had a feeling it's gonna be a busy year..
Wondering when it'll be my turn? Haha... :)

11/11/2007 --> Sick & tired of my life...
Dunno why i'm feeling like this out of sudden?

I came across some meaningful words today.....

Tak perlu mencari teman secantik BALQIS,
Jika diri tak seindah SULAIMAN,

Mengapa mengharap teman setampan YUSUF,
Jika kasih tak setulus ZULAIKHA,

Tak perlu mencari diri yang seteguh IBRAHIM,
Jika tak sekuat SITI SARAH,

Mengapa didamba teman seistimewa KHADIJAH,
Jika diri tak sesempurna RASULULLAH S.A.W,

“Tak guna Ada MATA kalau tak dapat MELIHAT, Tak guna Ada HATI kalau tak tau MENILAI….. “

Haizz..
Oklah today i cried first time b'coz of him.
It's a stupid matter actually.
And.. i didn't meant to hurt your feelings, honey.
Its juz that maybe i can't think properly at that point of time.
And it felt so helpless without a hp.
Nonetheless, i hope u dun need to force urself to meet me everyday.
Coz sometimes i know that u're tired & need ur rest too.
Plus u also hav ur own life to live.. to go out with ur frenz & family.. So i can't possibly be with you 24/7 ryte?
And.. anyway it feels so weird not to be able to sms or received ur calls..
Haizz..