I think it's kinda hard for me to take bila wan perangai mcm gini... Lebih2 lage bila nk raya. Kalau ye pon aku creates mcm2 story, he should juz take it in his strides coz he knws dat dere's a few event happening these past few wks.. Of cos dat i'm still unstable right. Wif all these thgs happening and he's not part of it...
But no, he had to react more than me. Like he's the one who had been test wif all the dugaan.
And the words he said... Couldn't be more hurtful.
Alwayz, he expects me to understand him je bt he can't bring himself to understand ppl.
Why??

Saat2 gini when aku rasa dat he's nt the one for me, den why did sometimes i feel dat he is?
Will he reacts like dis in the future or more worst?
How will my life be after we r married?
Everybody was saying dat my life wld be difficult coz I wld always be the one who wld be thinking & handling abt everythg.

Dear God.. I beg u.. Pls don't put me in dis spot.. if he's nt the one.. Pls dun drag dis r'ship further. Juz let him break it up wif me now. I cld still try to survive the heartache coz of my datuk death is greater impact to me.
f he's really the one, let him stay & show me some signs.. Amin.

Anuar Zain - Ketulusan Hati

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa
Cintaku hanya indah
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya

Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau biarkan kasihku
Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis
Hanya tulusnya hati mencintaimu
Tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku hanya untuk dirimu selalu
Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa
Tak ada seribu janji
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya
Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau benarkan kasihku
Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis hanya tulusnya hati
Mencintaimu tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku hanya untuk dirimu selalu
Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau dengarkan kasihku................

Kdg2 aku sedih lah dgn wan. Coz he doesn't makes me happy.
Kdg2 he cld makes me happy but kdg2 dia lupa. :(
What am i gonna do now??
Do i still love him or not? What is this feeling?

6th of September 2008:

Today is the day my grandfather had passed away.
It was just after midnight. It was on a fasting month.
It was a truly sad, sad day. I was hoping to break fast with him.
I wanted to buy something for him.
I wanted to celebrate his birthday later on Oct.
I didn't know that he was that sick. I still look at him like he was a healthy man.
He alwayz ate like he was a healthy man.
It's because I had nvr once accompanied him to the hospital.
That I didn't know that maybe his condition has worsen.
Tak selalu jenguk2 dia after I've started working. I was too engrossed in making money, making a name out of myself, making sure I had a good future, doing my diploma, making sure i accomplished somethg before i was 25. Too engrossed with Wan too.
In the end I neglected my grandfather.
I really love him very much. He was my favourite person on earth.
He was so funny although he could get angry at times.
I really hope that he's peaceful there now.
I really really thinks that you're the best grandfather ever. U're the only grandfather that I hav ever had.
I could still lead on my life as usual but the fact remains I was missing Atuk badly.
Coz I was crying badly when I wrote this.
So many people turn out at his funeral and I was proud that my atuk had touches many lives.. So many people remembered him.
But I'm ashamed that I failed as the eldest grand daughter.
People are all looking at me like they were expecting somethg more from me. N I can't even provide that something to them.
At that point of time I felt like I was a complete failure. I just wanted my Atuk back.
I wanted him to be at my wedding. I wanted him to see his first cicit.
I had so many hopes for the family in the future. N everythg was gone when Atuk was gone. I would forever live with this regret.
I didn't have regrets when my mom died coz at that point I was little and I didn't felt like I didn't do her much. But this was diff.. He was waiting everyday for me to come..........
N I failed him coz of certain circumstances. Nobody could understand the sadness, but for me he was my only hope.

Alwayz in memory: My dearest datuk, Mohammad Bin Amat.

"I read a note my grandma wrote...
Back in 1923... Grandpa kept it in his coat...
And he showed it once to me...
He said boy you might not understand...
But a long long time ago... Grandma's daddy didn't like me none...
But I loved your grandma so... We had this crazy plan to meet...
And run away together... Get married in the first town we came to...
And live forever..........

But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead...
I found this letter and this is what it said...
If you get there before I do... Don't give up on me...
I'll meet you when my chores are through...
I don't know how long I'll be... But I'm not gonna let you down...
Darling wait and see... And between now and then...
Till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me...

I read those words just hours before my grandma passed away...
In the doorway of the church... When me and grandpa stopped to pray...
I know I'd never seen him cry... All my 15 years...
But as he said these words to her...
His eyes filled up with tears...

If you get there before I do... Don't give up on me...
I'll meet you when my chores are through...
I don't know how long I'll beBut I'm not gonna let you down...
Darling wait and see... And between now and then...
Till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me...
Between now and then, till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me"

I'm feeling lethargic again!!! I'm having sleepless nights!!!
Why is it that I felt like i'm bored with my life or bored with Wan???
Mayb i wish my life could be more exciting???
Maybe i'm ready to move on to the next phase but Wan still enjoys being in this phase coz he had already been to the next phase last time???
Dats why he juz sits back & relaxed.
I just think its unfair lor... Everythg is unfair to me.

Maybe its wrong of me to have such bad thots...
Ouh! Why am i so evil?? Having bad thots towards his ex wife...
But, u can't expect me to like her right???
She un-intentionally make my life difficult.
I hope that someday she will realized her wrong doings.
I hope one day my heart will be really & completely pure...
But for now, i will still have my evil thots towards her & the first ex.

Smlm is so sad & funny. Bdk yg kecik2 tu semua dahlah msk n bising2 kat bilik aku... Irritated pon ada. Nk buat homework pon tk sempat. N then mcm kesian sey alih2 dh nk dekat kul 11 pm, si akmal tu nangis kuat plak tu kat hall.

Rupanya I think my stepmum marah dia coz he like pukul the baby or sumthg. Then my dad dh gila asyik nk pekik2 je... Tk tau lah apa ntah. Tk tau bdk tu kat mana masa tu. Aku rasa Akmal mayb he's jealous lah or sumthg coz he dpt adek baru. N he dun understand what is baby.

But then terus my sister yg one of the twin amek dia lah n then dukung kasi aku kat dlm bilik.. bila aku dukung, dia stop nangis pulak tapi terus bdk tu terdiam sey.. muka sedih je... Aku kasi dia milo kotak pon tknak.. Slalunya dia lah yg first berebut. Kesian sey.. Then yg aiman dgn syablani asyik tanya je asal dia tk ckp, tk gerak plak tu.. Tknak gerak dari lap aku. N then the face lah.. Like so very sad. Terus mata dia dh ngantuk nk tertido, baru aku suroh syablani kasi kat my dad.

Mayb the age gap too near sgt.. tk patut lah... Bdk tu blom pandai ckp pon.. maseh blom faham pape.
If i become a parent one day, aku will make sure that the age gap between all of them is not too near.

N then Aiman pulak nk tido katil aku.. aku ckp cannot lah, tido kat bilik dia.. Then aku ckp joking2 nanti i kahwin, aku kasi dia lah katil nie.. Pastu dia ckp "Along nk kahwin dgn sape...?" n then aku ckp lah dgn org asal nk sibuk.. then dia ckp "Abeh asal kau dh tknak tido sini? Abeh nk tido kat mana?" Then aku ckp tido kat umah lain lah.. Then terus muka dia semacam sey.. Dia ckp "Alah, asal kau nk tido umah lain? Aku suka kau sey.." Haha.. SO sweet!! Dun worry Aiman, Along won't forget u ever...

Dats why aku ckp there is no pretension is little kids.. Unless adults teaches them the wrong thgs... Haizzz....

Sometimes I think life is really unfair...
But why does it have to be that way? Why do Wan hav to marry his ex wife and then divorce and then why does she have to marry my uncle??
Then since i married later, i should bear all the consequences....
Bored*Bored*Bored*
Blom apa2.. my wedding is spoilt.
Unless.. If i put a notice esp asking them not to attend...
Dat will seems evil esp since dats my relative... Duh!!

Why ehk? Why? Why? Why? Usually God gives this punishment to those who hav sinned... But is he showing that Wan is the one who's at fault?
That's why he arranged it this way??
Wan does his ex wife alwayz had it easy and he had it difficult?
Is it because he's the weaker party...?
Or is it God make it this way because ppl with more dugaan will emerge stronger??

U know why i nvr ever complaint abt my boss?? Because its a fact that he's nice to me (ever scold me one time only) and even though he's a bit stingy n expects his employees to do more (which what 99% of employers expect)... He's actually a nice guy. Alwayz giving ppl chance... sometimes.. too much until ppl could step on him though...
Hmm...........

Hiya all... Yesterday was my 10 months anniversary with Wan... :)

Time flies so fast... I'm glad I know that he's happy with me..
Coz i'm happy too juz being with him.. Thinking abt it, I could nvr imagine myself with another guy other than him.. Serious!!
And I could safely say that I love him more than Hasri now!! Yay! I love him more than my ex-es combined... I love him more than anythg else.. Except maybe Allah!
Even if one day, if... a very handsome, very rich, very hot guy came in into my life, I don't think that I could be with him or any other guy other than Wan.
I simply do not think that the other guys would love me as what my dear loves me.. Maybe they would pretend.. but I don't think it will be true.
Sometimes it scares you huh, when you realized that you could love a person so much.
I've never doubt his true love towards me simply because I could really feel the love.. N when you could feel the love, the pyhsical intimacy would come easily. I'm a very simple girl, I simply can't do it without love. That's a fact. So he does not need to worry abt me cheating him with others.... Hehe...
I hope the day will nvr ever come when I could not feel his love anymore... Then it will be a very sad, sad day...
I will love you dear!! Till eternity......... :)

Counting the days in becoming his wife.....................................

Wee.. my bf came back juz now from Thailand...
I'm so happy... Maybe its true dat couples cannot live without each other?
Hehe..... Hari2 nangis sey coz i really miss him... Gila kot?

Anyway, I wonder how can a job give someone so much strez?
Why? Why did i hav to bear the strez n the job burden at the same time?
Did they pay mountains to me? No!!
I dunno why i wanna continue suffering here...
In a place where ur presence is not even appreciated??
Where the company doesn't value the employees??
Where I have to take the blame for everything???
Ouh my god pls.. Pls give me a great job opportunity...
I really need it. Amin...

Today is the 2nd day my dear go to Thailand...........
I can't believe that i cried dat day... N i can't believe that you can miss a person so much... Yelah... paling2 pon kalau tk okay... cuma 1 day je gitu...
And at least dat time i can still sms him sey... susah lah gini...
I really miss him!!!! Oh God....

N juz now i miss chatting wif him kat msn... Coz today i was so damn busy!!
I made a big mistake yesterday and i was suffering from it.
Although I have to say my senior was partly at fault.. Or else all these won't happened.
Why muz i face all this stress? Did they paid for my stress? No right!!

Everytime the same thg happened, i get blamed for it.
I'm sick & tired of hearing ppl gossiping everyday. Oh God!
Pls give me a chance to be successful in life... Pls...

I wonder what he's doing now... Maybe he's enjoying himself so much that he won't even think abt me ryte?? So upset... Gosh... 2 more days to endure this...
Haizzz.....

I dunno why Wan is such a weak person.
I dun meant it as in he hav to be aggressive but........
he muz know what he wants in live.
He muz know what to do, how to reacts... all the basic thgs..
he didn't know!
Kdg2 kesian, kdg2 marah............ Susahlah...

Do we spend so much time in the office and forget abt their family & loved ones?

A touching moral of a story:

A professor stood before his philosophy class with some items in front of him.
When the class with some items in front of him.
When the class began, he picked up a very large and empty glass jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into a jar. He shook the jsar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar is full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everythg else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.. The students laughed.

"Now, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls represent the important things - your family, your health, your children, your friends, your passions - the kind of stuff that it all else was lost and only these remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else - the small stuffs.
If you put the sand into the jar first, there will be no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. You know, the same goes for life."

If you spend all your time & energy on the small things, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the elements that are critical to you happiness.

On Sunday, went to his second brother's wedding..
Can say that everything is cork up and not going to plan.
Pagi2 je dah nampak muka his ex wife!
Such a coincidence that they arrived at the same time as us...
And then he never intro me to his relatives and i was like paisey and alone.
I was upset with him and then he doesn't even know it.. :(
Blur betol lah dia. Haizz... Malu sey.. Then mcm aku nk bebual pon aku tk tau mana satu nk tegur... makciks ke cousins....
Then nasib ada anak dia temankan aku n zana.
Tau pulak nk jealous when bdk2 kompang duduk kat meja aku! Hehe..
But all in all it's not dat great lah i have to say.

Susahlah gini.. Now is already 3.30 pm on a Friday.. and hati aku maseh tak tenang?
Why did i choose this path without thinking!!
Stupid of me... Coz maybe this ex wife is diff frm others...?
And Wan is also diff from others. Maybe coz he doesn't appreciates much that's why i'm feeling this way??
Why did i feel diff when i'm with Joe?? Dia pon ada ex wife jgk....
Now i'm dreading this Sunday. Now, i can't afford not to go coz his mum already invited me! Haizz.. serba salah pulak.....
Nie baru 2nd bro je yg kahwin sey.. nanti in future ada our wedding and his 2 more brothers, mesti dia nk sibuk2 jgk ke dtg??
Now i dun have anymore reasons to avoid her.
Only one sentence for her: "Pls get a life!".

Comment from someone: "Reading from your previous blog, can I safely assume tat u gonna be attached or berkongsi hidup bersama DUDA with anak??? pertaining to the topic, Its individuality thingy... 2nd wife MUST be tolerant and tak moh mudah melatah with wat ever tat gonna happen.. ye lah kekadang bekas janda dier mesti bengkak hati or mata merah kalau tgk ex hubby's new marriage better den last time..
IMPORTANT note: PATIENCE & TRUST.. wen it cums to kids,ex wife or maintanence shit, try not to get involved TOO much... Ada telinga dengar, ada mata melihat, ada mulut diam.. Cuz sumtimes, the other party MAY not like our presence. Unless dah melampau, juz pretend dat u dunno... sumtimes shit happens wen too many hand touch into small personal matters..."

Thanks for the comment... It doesn't really look good doesn't it? Haizz...

I felt like giving it all up. Serious.
If i give it up today, i won't have to attend the wedding on Sunday.
I'm feeling the jitters after what he had told me.
I'm still feeling it now as I write this blog.
I'm scared of what awaits me of the future.
Everything's in a mess. And i don't think he wld understand.
He's juz a guy. He won't have that many emotions. Unlike me.
I could juz leave him anytime during this past 9 mths of our r'ship like all the heartless women.. but why oh why am i such a nice person??
Serves me right. I do not heed others advise.
I didn't know his ex wife wld be that type. Other ppl would be so embarassed to attend an ex husband's family majlis. Logically.. Other ppl also said so.
The ex wife involvement is definitely not a good news to me...
What am i supposed to do ehk?? Pls tell me what am i supposed to do now??

Excerpt from The New Paper:
More Singaporeans are falling in love, out of love, and back in love again.
Why is it so hard to make a marriage last? To find the answer, we visit places that couples may find themselves in the course of their love story.
Our Question: What makes a marriage ticks?

THE MATCHMAKER:
The place --> Where the loveless finds love.
Most often heard phrases --> "Singaporean women are so demanding!"
The Love Guru & his thoughts--> A matchmaker, Mr Janson Ong, said "Marriage fails today would have started failing a few years ago. And when you look at the past 10 yrs, you'll see that it's not an easy time for couples. For some people, its no money, no love. We have to be realistic abt this. So matchmaking is a shortcut.

THE SOLEMNISER:
The place --> A beach, A ballroom, ROM, a place where marriage vows are exchanged - and the fairytale begins.
Most often heard phrases --> "I don't know what it means."
The Love Guru & his thoughts --> A solemniser, Mr Emmanuel, said: "Of the 900 or so couples that i have helped to marry over the past 30 years, abt one quarter of them come in with the wrong expectations.
Most of them do not know what a marriage vows really means, that it is not a vow you make to yourself or to your spouse but to your GOD.
It doesn't matter what religion are u in. A marriage vow is a promise to the supreme in your heart. A marriage is sacred, it's a vow that you should never breaks.

THE GYNAECOLOGIST:
The place --> Where love becomes complete.
Most often heard phrase --> "Is my baby normal?"
The love guru & her thoughts --> A gynaecologist, Dr Cathryn Chan, said "The birth of a baby is a critical time in a relationship.
Babies are "romance intruders" in certain ways. Caring for them may be an anti climax after the romance. To keep the love going strong, couples should not focus all their energy on the baby. They must remember to make time for each other.
But sometimes, the child keep a couple together only because of the responsibility.
So when the child is all grown up, the couple suddenly fimds themselves have grown apart. This is why in future, we see more and more older couples with grown up children divorcing.

THE LAWYERS:
The place --> Where the fairytales end.
Most often heard phrase --> "What happened to the husband/wife that I knew?"
The love guru and their thoughts --> Lawyers, Mr Ahmad said "The fact that there were fewer divorces in the past mean there were happier marriages. Women were less independent then a divorce were a taboo. While Mr Palmer said "Times have changed, and the pressure of modern life can lead to a breakdown in communication."
Mr Ahmad: "That may not seem like a problem when a couple first gets together. They have a meeting of minds and then they get married. The first year of marriage... That is critical. If they can survive it, they are good for another five or six years. These will be busy years when you hve your children, buy a flat or car. During this time, a couple may gradually grow in a different way. But they will only realise this later when thgs settle down & boredom sets in."
Mr Palmer: "Couples must remember that the communications begin before a marriage, not after."

THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR:
The place --> Where the love story ends the way it should - Till death do us apart.
Most often heard phrases --> "I see my husband/wife in my children."
The love guru & his thoughts: Funeral Director, Mr Victor Hoo said "I come in at the end of a beautiful love story and my role is to fill in the emptiness - with the memories of their love. But do we see the good, the bad & the ugly?
People say until death do us apart but what they don't say is that is it a sad parting or a happy parting?
Sometimes, the spouse is so relieved that husband or wife is gone. But i can tell whether a couple's love is true, juz by looking.
And its not from the crying. Its how much attention they pay to the details. Its like they are loving the person as if he/she is still there.
And this is what true love is: "When you can still love someone without his or her physical presence."

Have you ever really love a woman--Bryan Adams

To really love a woman, To understand her,
You've got to know her deep inside
Hear every thought, See every dream,
And give her wings when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms,
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman, You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman, You tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody, to tell her that it's gonna last forever {2nd}
(She needs somebody, to tell her that you'll always be together)
So tell me have you ever really...really, really ever loved a woman
2nd VERSE To really love a woman, Let her hold you,
Till you know how she needs to be touched
You've got to breathe her, really taste her
Till you can feel her in your blood
And when you see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman
You've got to give her some faith,
Hold her tight, a little tenderness
You've got to treat her right She will be there for you taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman And when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms, You know you really love a woman............

Haizzz...
I'm still very angry and upset with him.
How could he blame me for something that is not my fault?
And some more I did make an extra effort for it.
No wonder everybody said that he does not acts like a 33 yrs old.
He don't even know how to be responsible to himself.. How could he have/start a family and be responsible to them?
Haizzz...
Now.. I will give him the peace that he wants without me membebel to him or msg2 him yg bkn2.
I think i feel more peaceful today without bothering to think of him and worrying of almost everythg abt him.. checking/calling here & there for him.. planning for him.. doing almost everythg for him.
Maybe he's not the type who appreciates what ppl had done for him but at least have the courtesy to be polite to others.
If things doesn't get better, i do not want to go to his brother's wedding.
Or maybe i'll juz go for a while.. I will see how it goes.
That's it for today... I do not want to think so much anymore.
I will juz let it be..........
Alwayz i felt like i wanted to give up but i have to read the blog below.

Ouh my god......... Really hard to say...
Wan must have really loves me a lot!
Gosh..... I must not forget that all my life no matter what happens.
Although i have to say that i regret knowing Hasri first.
The feelings is hard to let go.. Although i'm trying very very hard. Really.
I must learnt... Coz i'm absolutely happy with Wan (except for some thgs that can't be change) and he loves me a lots more than Hasri does. (I think)
Plus he's gonna be my future husband. :)
I muz remember all these in my heart.
Coz i love Ridzwan Bin Salim a lot & lots. I love him more than i've love anybody else in this world.
Pls remember this alwayz k. Pls don't make him upset again.
Pls do not mention abt breaking up again.
Pls do not brought up the past again.
Pls concentrate only on the wedding & the future.
He have only loves you in his life and he changes everythg for you and he tries hard to pleases you. That's more than enough.
*I must alwayz read this piece of blog whenever i'm upset with him.
Thank God for everything.

Haizz... Kdg2 kesian jgk lah tgk matair aku ehk?
Tak tau lah apa yg aku nak... It's not that i don't love him... I really do love him.
I love him more than i've loved anyone else. (including my family members)
Tapi mayb kdg2 hati sendiri yg tk tenang.. Dats funny ryte?
Could i live forever like this??
Or i could choose to forget everythg that had happened, pretend that it nvr happen & he's the first one for me & juz be happy together.
But, can't really forget coz dere's a living proof of his daughter with the ex wife.
Even worst she's so close to me.. marrying a relation of mine. What the heck?!
This muz be god's test to me ryte?
I muz say that when i'm wif him.. in real life, i won't think of these thgs.
Its juz dat when i'm somewhere else then i will think abt it.

When i told him that i dun wanna met his ex wife ever. I do really meant it.
No, of cos i'm not jealous of her.
Its a fact that he loves me more than her.
But i can't accept ppl who doesn't appreciates the little thgs in life.
She got a husband who's a virgin for god sake (although he may not be perfect husband).
N she got a nice house & family. What more could she wants?
Some more she could be so mean & give him to try unnecessary thgs in life.
And.. the one that i can't accept at all is that she consented in her husband doing such a wrong thgs. How can someone juz kept quiet abt it?
Some more she didn't asked for the divorce. It's like she's contented in living that way.
I meant like if she's a good and righteous person, even though u feel like u dun love/hate that person, u should at least give an advise to them. Nie tak..
Dunno what kind of person is this...?
Then, at last i have to clean up the mess that she created.
That is why I hope i won't meet her ever. N i hope she won't attend my wedding later.
Yeah.. I know i'm being a bitch... :( That's the bitch in me talking...

Sometimes, i feel that i create unnecessary thgs so that one day he will be fed up and he will eventually break up with me.
Better now than later ryte? But he juz won't budge..
Maybe it's true that he does loves me a lot??