Janganlah hanya mengukir janji
Sedangkan dikau masih mencari..Adakah benar kata kata...
Bukan ungkapan sementara...

Kaulah pancaran yang daku rasa..
Bagaikan obor yang menyinar...
Jika terpadam tiba tiba.. Sunyilah insan alam gelita..

Jika kau selam hati ini...Pastinya engkau kan mengerti..
Betapa sucinya cintaku.. Jangan diragu...
Jika kau rasa getarnya.. Debaran kasih cinta yang meronta..
Nilai kasihku padamu cukup berharga...

Bukan simpati yang aku pinta...
Kebenaranmu memutus kata...
Agar dapatku abadikan...
Untuk pedoman peniti cinta...

Jika kau selam hati ini...
Pastinya engkau kan mengerti...
Betapa sucinya cintaku..
Jangan diragu... Jika kau rasa getarnya...

Debaran kasih cinta yang meronta...
Nilai kasihku padamu.. Cukup berharga..


Now i understand my dear.. why do u kept on listening to this song so much... When i saw the lyrics then i knew hw u're feeling.. I'm so sorry dear...I know that you love me very very much... Maybe you love me so much dat even people ard you noticed dat.. But its hard for me to notice dat when i kept on thinking abt ur mixed up un-normal past.. N ur equally mixed up exs.. I'll be very upset..

Dats why i shld not have mind so much abt ur past even though u're a divorcee. :( Coz when Of cos when u said that i'm too gd for u.. U didn't meant it in a bad way... I meant to forget it of cos but its hard coz u've already told me everythg...

It's normal for couples to go thru ups & downs but i shld not hav think abt breaking up all the time when the thgs are so trivial ryte.. Humans life are already so short.. We should have treasured every single moment together...

Sometimes i do not understand what he's thinking when he did all those thgs which hurts me?

Maybe he felt that it's the normal thgs to do? But for me its not a normal thg to do?

Sometimes i felt that he's being childish... Maybe his daughter is not as childish as he is...

Abt yesterday i was really dissapointed...

It's still okay if he didn't reply my msg that morng.. Maybe he's asleep...

It was still okay if he go to bbdc & didn't update me on anythg...

But when at 8 pm he still have not msg me... I was worried that he will not kept his promise again.

I was fidgeting in class b'coz he still have not msg me whether he's meeting me or not.. Even Hyder & James could see that i'm upset & no mood.. But they juz assume that i'm juz tired. I can't barely concentrate.

N i really dun want him to forget.. Coz i will definitely be angry but at the same time i dun wanna msg or kol him to remind.. Coz i wanna see his determination n efforts himself.

But i still keep on reminding myself that he will be dere. But when i saw dat he's not dere and dere's still no calls or sms-es by 9.45 pm.. Of cos u will be angry & dissapointed ryte...

But i still dun feel like calling him coz i dun want to discover that he's sleeping at home. Furthermore if he's dere, why didn't he call me ryte..

When he called me at 10.15 pm when i'm at Kranji already.. I already suspected 2 thgs but i was so damn angry that i'm scared i will cried inside the train if i picked up the call.

Even after i didn't picked up, dere's no msg of apologizing. I'm not sure maybe he didn't think that was his fault.

I'm not sure what to feel ryte now.. I really dunno why these thgs happened.

Its supposed to teached us somethg ryte?

1) There's a need for couples to communicate.

2) Even though the r'ship is 1 yr or 10 yrs, its still important to make efforts.

3) Realized the mistakes & learnt frm it.

I can't say that i'm not upset now.. Its like an icing in the cake since last Sunday.

I dun think we'll be meeting my auntie dis Sunday. I seriously don't think that u're ready yet.

I'm feeling a bit lethargic... No mood at all to work.
Not happy being here... Not happy being at home. :(
I'm a gerl with so much dreams... Its only the ppl who r alwayz destroying the dreams.
I think Mak Baru is the real two faced monster.. I still can rememeber the stuck up face yesterday.. Yeah fine... if org dah nk sidai kan.. why can't she juz put it there.. Obviously she hav issues with herself.
What a bitch! Dunno what she sembahyang for huh? :(
Joanna & Sharon is still consider okay... N mak busu too.

These r the types of ppl that i can't connect with... I hope my next environment will be like a family.
I felt guilty abt Wan.. the fact that he loves me very much and he could possibly makes me happy........ I shouldn't have treated him that way.
The r'ship deserves better. Coz having someone to really love you wholeheartedly is already a blessing itself.. :)
I'm glad that despite everythg, i still have him in my life. Thank you Allah.
I love you very much my dear.. Maybe i juz didn't realized it all these while.

Lately, i've been so stressed out with my job...
So stress.. That i've been near to depression? It's not that the workload that have been stressing me out...
It's rather the ppl here who are stressing me out. You can see lots of diff ppl & diff kind of characters.. it's not consider bullying coz they act all nice in front of me.. N in general, i actually enjoyed doing more work & be in control.

But your heart will feel somethg when they are all earning more or double than you and yet you are the one who suffers. N some more they enjoy talking behind your back.

When you have someone who could do everythg for you, it's easy for you to take for granted what you have. That's human.
Always taking everythg for granted. I'm not usually a person who easily give up on thgs. I'm a fighter..always a fighter. When i failed somethg, i will feel extremely dissapointed with myself. Maybe coz i put on too much pressure on myself.

I really set high standards on myself to be perfect (inside & outside). N when ppl ard me behaves that way, it's easy to get upset when things are not going ur way. I'm already helpless abt the condition of my family, my hse, my room (wif my siblings and all) and the way they handle it.
To say that my father has failed as a father is an understatement..
But i know that tell myself when i have my own hse & family, i will make sure that it will be perfect. I will make sure that my husband is always happy and my kids will grow up to be such a courteous, happy n nice boys n gerls.

They always told me that if i don't do this, i don't do that.. I will fail as a wife & mother later on... But, what they don't know is that i have my own plans for my marriage n i won't let somethg trivial to be a hindrance to me. I will make it work.

Now, they are overreacting. Now I have to bring him to meet my family. Sometimes it's not that you purposely wants to keep it a secret. It's juz that sometimes you do want to get married early and all (i know that it's gd) but sometimes ur heart is not so sure yet... But.. if i believe in myself, n i believe in him.. N i believe that the marriage can be happy n will work out... There's nothing that can stop it ryte?

I will juz leave it to fate.

Haizz.. so much thgs had happened for these past few weeks...
In all, i know that it will make my r'ship wif him stronger..
he's jealous b'coz of everythg (n i really meant every single guy)... so i've got no other choice?
we need to survive.. survival is important in this selfish city.

I know that.. n my hope is that if i'm gonna be wif wan together for the rest of my life... n we are not that well off, i will do everythg within my meants to make us live comfortably.

For our children to live comfortably.
For our extended families to live comfortably.
That's my hope. Helping others will come only after i have enough to cover for myself n the others.

I hope that our love will continue to be strong throughout the years. He's not a bad guy actually.. but he's just an average guy who's easily contented (diff frm me) and lacks of motivation. But that's okay... with me ard, he can be easily motivated..

Thanks dear for loving me the way that you love me.

I'm truly sorry that I've make him worry.
I really shouldn't do that...coz i know that he really loves me a lot and he has nvr even hurt my feelings deeply or intentionally except for the little2 thgs that can be forgiven...
So.. I shld have not make some that loves you worry ryte?
Thinking that you might leave them?? How can i do that to someone who tries hard to please me.
Maybe i'm juz stressed abt work and then makes me think abt marriage and his lack of savings...
I know that its only a plot...But he looks like very stressed out abt the matter & keeps blaming himself...
I'm really sorry baby.. I promise that I will love you more.
That's a promise. I will love you for my whole life.

I will swear that those who look down on me will regret it later... Those who presevere will always be the one most successful in life. If i ever succeed one day, then... Haizz.. Wah lau weh..
Hate these type of ppl and the way they work.

Aft so long, i still feel that i can't understand them. Is it the typical chinese way of doing things like savings their own backside.
Only they both can understand each other. One thg i know.. when she say that i must learnt.. Is that i've got my own way of doing thgs and i won't do it like others do it...

Haha... Only someone like J will think it that way and only a person like her who will look up to somebody like S. Thanks anyway.. The only lesson that I've learnt her is that ppl can be selfish and egoistical. The world is full of these ppl. I hope i will meet somebody truly nice later on and share my sentiments in life.....

I really hates it when Nadyia said that i shld just forget it abt the cpf thingy...
But i'm not her... Its not abt the money issue... its abt the moral & integrity of a mly muslim boss/employer who did not conduct a proper business and even wants to hold back a meager sum of money from his employee cpf which he had already deducted frm the employee's pay...
Furthermore it's my first full time job.. n i dun think he shld do that to me. :(

I really admire this Azren guy (my colleague) same like how i admire Abg Fadoli.
That is how a true man has to acts. Must plan everythg for the future & work hard to save money. I cans see that he's working hard towards his future & saving harder. Even just now he was already enquiring with hdb for a flat & taking up loans n bank loans. He knows that he's gonna get married in 2 yrs time and he was planning for everythg... everythg... His fiancee shld be lucky to get a husband like him. :)
Even Kamal & Sham is working hard & saving hard for their upcoming marriage. N they r all younger than Wan. Why r they thinking maturely but Wan is not?

That's the prob with my bf that will arise when you r being too pampered by your parents n everythg in your first marriage is being sponsored by your parents except for the duit hantaran. It means trouble for the second marriage. Really big trouble.

Its very diff with my bf. He nvr plans n nvr do anythg for the future. He said that we're gonna get married in 2 yrs time. Its not a long time for a couple n what he only knows is to talk.

I'm not saying that he's a bad guy.. But sometimes i find it dissapointing if the only thg that he thinks n talks abt is sex. N when i meant planning abt the future is not planning abt just the sex thg!
Sometimes i think & think whether did i get the right guy??
I shld think that sex is the only thg in his mind n everytime what's on his mind is that the planning on when to meet me so that he can do that things n aft that it's all back to square one.

I do give him hints & scenarios sometimes but he just doesn't get it.
I dunno what did he do with his first marriage (n who planned it). But all i can say is that for an experience guy in this marriage thg, he does not looks so experience at all.

I can see that Bobby is going thru what my bf is going thru in his first yr of marriage. But maybe Bobby's situation is a bit diff coz Bobby is more patience type of guy so they didn't quarell often like Wan & his ex wife.
I really dunno wat to say.. I'm kind of sick & tired of it actually.. but i just kept quiet.
Maybe its not the right thg to do..but i really dunno how to bring up the subject. I dun want him & other ppl to think that i'm so desperate.
I'm really not desperate to get married coz i'm still young but i just dun think that this is the right way for a guy to behave when he knows that he wanna get married in 2 yrs or less n he's always sakit & all.. It's not wrong for him to feel that way but it is just appropriate for him to feel that way aft we r married so that there r no more restrictions.

Such a dilemma. :(
Pls dun make me give up this r'ship.

Its really sad & heartbreaking to see and it's really bothering me a lot on people with low moral issues such example is Wan, his EX WIFE and his first EX... Being 32, 33, 34.. they are all much more older than me but the thgs that they had learnt in life is so limited.. Sumthg which i cannot connect at all. Why is there such things happening in our malay society??

I still find that his ex wife is still okay compared to his ex. Even though the role as a wife is not acceptable to me but to compare her with his ex which obviously targets a married man such as Wan so that she could have free housing, FREE SEX, free money n even free assistant to help her sell the pills.. Hahaha what a joke!

Why ppl get married in the first place if marriage vows are not taken seriously and when its obvious that there is no intention of settling down yet.
Should at least give consideration on the emotional pain and fustration inflicted on both parties and esp to the children, when both parties are out fooling around.
Parents should be a role model to their child.What will it be like if on one hand you are teaching your children about moral values, while on the other, you are doing the exact opposite...

Upset lah wif this kind of ppl.. when i see his daughter face, i felt so guilty n pitied her for having such parents. I hope they both had changed for the better with a better partners to guide them... Amin.

I pray that i will be a beautiful successful woman one day with a caring & loving husband and a happy family of her own...
Can do some charity works, donations, holidays... n everthg that i can ever dream of... Like Angelina Jolie...
To have a fulfilling life in such a short life of a human being...
To enjoy life as it is..
To take each day as it is...
That's basically what i wish for the future...

I came across this blog entry at anakmelayu today:

"If a girl cries in front of you, it means that she couldn't take it anymore...
If you take her hand, she would stay with you for the rest of your life; if you let her go, she couldn't go back to being herself anymore... (VERY TRUE!!!)
A girl wont cry easily, Except in front of the person who she love the most, she becomes weak.. (VERY TRUE!!!)
A girl wont cry easily, only when she loves you the most, she put down her ego. Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you please hold her hands firmly, she's the one who would stay with you for the rest of your life.
Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you, please dont give her up, maybe bcoz of your decision, you ruin her life. When she cry rite in front of you, when she cry bcoz of you, Look into her eyes, Can u see n feel the pain n hurt she's feeling?
Think... . Which other girl have cried wif pure sincerity, Infront of you, And bcoz of you? She cry not because she is weak, She cry not bcoz she wan sympathy or pity, She cry, Because crying silently is no longer possible, the pain, hurt, n agony have become too big a burden to be kept inside..."

It makes me think of an incident ard March 2006 when i was still a very stupid & silly girl so blindly in love and that's the only time that I've ever cried in front of a guy (So badly pulak tu..).

At that time.. We are on the verge of a breaking up and i dunno why i was so very very sad and i cannot even slept the night before when he told me he wanna broke up with me and the tears really cannot stop from falling.. After that, every single day i juz continue wif my life.. N i dun even feel like meeting/kenal2 wif other guys.
It juz feels weird when guys wanna get to know you and u r still hung up over one particular guy. Am i crazy or wat?

A week later, he suddenly said that he wanna meet up wif me and to finish some unsettle business.. Suddenly, when we meet up, it felt strange as if we r some kind of strangers.. I dun really know what to talk to him n what to expect...

But out of sudden, he hug me and starts to kiss me at his fav spot and we r sitting at our fav spot and it juz seems so familiar n i starts thinking that hw am i gonna live without him.. n i really felt like crying when he said that he really missed me a lot this 1 wk.. I was so happy n so sad at that time that the tears start flowing a little by little and when he noticed that his shoulders r wet and he asked me whether i'm crying or not...

I was so embarassed n tried to cover but i failed terribly and started to cried uncontrollably like a baby!!!
I was really so overwhelmed by emotions coz I really do love him a lot at that time.
And i really can't imagine myself being with somebody else... So we patch up...
But its no use coz less that two months later we broke up completely and i was me who give him the FINAL ans.

When i give him the final sms, i didn't feel anythg coz i really thot that he's gonna explains himself.. but turns up that he's so cruel and the reality starts to sink in later at nyte when i realised that he's really gonna break up.

I cried myself to sleep and all the days after.. I was suffering for months...
Everytime my friends (guys & gerls) called me and we brought up the topic, i will cry. It was like so bad.. I dunno why he had that effects on me!! Stupid!!
Up until from that moment, until now... I dun think i have ever loved/cried for anybody else as much as i does it for him.
And gradually, dats why i began to hate him so much coz he's making me suffer by making me love him so much.

I must learnt to let go of all these memories n accept the reality that me and him r not meant to be together and there r really someone who loves me a lot too.. More than him?
Pls, pls haseenah... wake up n come back to reality.

I HATE YOU, NORHASRI BIN YUSOFF... A LOT!

HATE.
HATE.
HATE.
HATE.
HATE.

PLS DO NOT CHECK ON MY PROFILE AGAIN.
I JUST WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT OF MY MIND, MY HEAD, MY MEMORIES AND MY PAST.

I'm so happy that i got my first bonus... N i will try hard not to spend it in one shot...

I'm still thinking whether i should just save it for my marriage, take up a driving license, do my braces or just shop a lot?

Hmm... must think carefully... I wanted to do braces but seems like very painful like that...
But they say that it can make the face/jawline more sharper leh...

Maybe i could try losing some weight first and see how.. but still having a nice teeth beats all...
Yeah.. i'm a very vain gerl & a perfectionist.. so i want everythg nice in life...
But still, i won't forget the poor & unfortunate..

Virginity:
Saving oneself for one's husband is considered one of the most traditional values in the olden days and i believe this still holds today, especially more so when promiscuity is so rampant and ONS and numerous sex partners is common.

In fact, i feel that being virgin is a strong belief that one have to holds to, when most ppl around are non-Vs.
Choosing to give up one's virginity is a major turning point of a girl's life hence it does tell a lot about the girl and for a guy who they are marrying to.

Coz a virginity is something special, a gift you bequeath upon someone special whom you decide worthy.

I've learnt that sometimes in life... you have to be contented with what you have and not dwell on the past for a person's mistake.
Yeah i have to admit that I cannot accept his past.
But I must learnt to forget and be thankful that I found someone who loves me so very much amidst all his past mistakes...
I just hope that he won't repeat the same things and treasure his life more rather than leave it wasted doing wasted thgs...
Maybe It's God wishes for him to meet me.. someone so diff yet similar in some ways. As long as we can live happily ever after... I can learnt to love him more day by day... Amin...

Monday, 10/03/2008:

I feel really bad that i think so badly of him & accuse him of taking the pills... I feel bad that i am feeling this way... Whereas, i know that he's an emotionally unstable person... N we always argue abt the pill nowadays...

But, i really can't help it... Coz whenever something like this happens, i can't help but feel that why am i the one who have to pick up the pieces of his past?

Yeah lah... coz when he already had his fun with all the girls (his exs) or the other way round, i'm the one who have to bear all these consequences.

Plus, i kept on thinking on why do i have to lead the way that he is used to (like going to the hotel)... N when they (his exs) all had their fun n leave him with no money n debts (his exs & ex wife), i am still the only one girl who sticks with him despite him having absolutely nothing in his life?
But i know that he's trying really hard for me... I know that he's working so hard for me too... N i know that he loves me.
Am i stupid or what to stick by him? No? Or... Maybe coz i pity him so much? Or.. Maybe coz i did love him? I dun really know the answer....

I kept on thinking... All the money that was spend when he go to the hotels in the past(which is a lot), i think will be enough for my hantaran sey... :(

So now, whenever i'm facing somethg like this... I assure myself that God has written the fates for me to meet him so that i can help him and set his life straight...
Maybe true love is all abt making sacrifices ryte? So i have to sacrifice my whole life for him.

But, sometimes i feel that i'm not strong enough and ppl will always want a husband who can guide & cares for them ryte? Not the other way round.....
Now i have to pity myself before i pity him. But still i won't give up and will live my life to the fullest and hoping that i can achieve something in my life.

THE END.

Closed off from LOVE...
I didn't need the pain...
Once or twice was enough... And it was all in vain...
Time starts to pass...
Before you know it, you're frozen...
But something happened... For the very first time with you...
My heart melts into the ground...
Found something true...
And everyone's looking around...
Thinking that I'm going crazy...

But I don't care what they say...
I'm in LOVE with you... They try to pull me away...
But they don't know the truth...
My heart's crippled by the vein...
That i keep on closing... You cut me open and I......

Keep bleding.. Keep, keep bleeding LOVE...
I keep bleeding.. I keep, keep, bleeding LOVE...
Keep bleeding... Keep, keep bleeding LOVE...
You cut me open...

Trying hard not to hear.. But they talk so loud...
Their piercing sounds fill my ears...
Try to fill me with doubt... Yet i know that the goal...
Is to keep me from falling...
But nothing's greater... Than the rush that comes with your embrace...
And in this world of loneliness...
I see your face.. Yet everyone around me...
Thinks that i'm going crazy... Maybe, maybe...

But I don't care what they say... I'm in LOVE with you...
They try to pull me away... but they don't know the truth...
My heart's crippled by the vein... That I keep on closing...
You cut me open and I....

Keep bleeding.. Keep, keep bleeding LOVE...
I keep bleeding... I keep, keep bleeding LOVE...
And it's draining all of me...
Oh, they find it hard to believe...
I'll be wearing these scars... For everyone to see...

CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY:

What makes people happy?

1) Having purpose - which means doing something in your life that has meaning for you.
2) Having hope - which means you have something to look forward to.

Even if your current circumstances are difficult, if you have hope that your effort will be rewarded and that thgs will improve, you can find happiness.

Happy ppl accept themselves as they are, so they can have a peace of mind.

And last but not least... Having someone to love...

"Happy people make a decision to be happy in spite of their problems..." :)

14th Feb 2008:

Today i'm so very happy and very suprised to get a bouquet of flowers/bear/chocs from him... Nvr expected it lor... Coz he's juz not that type... N some more its my first time to get this suprised...
I nearly died of heart attack coz i thot it was from someone else... haha...
Then ppl at Showtec were all asking me abt it... So paisey lor...
He already give me an mp3 as a present the day before... Plus a swensens treat..
That already costs a lot of money...
Yeah lor... I do believe that he loves me lots & lots more... more than anyone else...
But, why do i always doubt him?? Stupid of me ryte? Always kept on thinking of that damn guy.. I promise to love him more than ever after this...
Love you dear!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL!!!

For the record... Me & him... We are happy together again...
Contented. Blessed. Just hecked care what ppl wanna say...

Plus God has finally given me a first sign that he is really the one for me.
Now the only worry is for us to earn & save lots of money for our wedding and future...