Aku betol2 tak faham dgn family aku...
In what way am i not a good, unfaithful daughter, granddaughter & niece yg tak mengenang jasa/budi, kacang lupakan kulit?
My ears had enough of hearing all that that rubbish!!

In what way am i so bad that they are completely ashamed of me?
I'm merely doing these coz i felt so betrayed by them..
Those who called themselves my family..
Who pretend to love & care abt me!!!

My dad.. jgn harap.. I stop depending, talking to him much last 11 yrs when he don't give a damn abt me. Don't give a damn abt an innocent child who just lost a mother & doesn't want a stepmother!!!
So he can't really blame anyone except himself that he have a huge burden on his shoulders b'coz of his mistakes & carelessness...
I really pity all my 9 younger siblings... Coz i love them the most.. They are afterall my flesh & blood. And.. They are the innocent party who's the result of ignorant adults!!!

I work hard to earn this money.. and its not as if i dun wanna give them the money. First few mths of my job, i have to pay for the various bills... and all the thgs that i have to buy... which i have been deprived off...
I did gave my grandparents some money the first few mths but i refused to give my dad coz i juz felt that he's the cause of it all.. and yes he did do 50% of his part as a dad.. but not 100%.
So i dont think that i should be the 100% loyal daughter. Furthermore its better that i gave the money to my siblings or give them a treat. He has deprived us enough of money.. being so damn stingy & all.
But of course ventually one day, i will give him money but definitely not now.
Itu pon everytime slalu nak sindir2 aku duduk pat umah dia tak bayar.
Even though i hardly touch the thgs n food n watever except for the bed & the room and electricity & water.

Then from aug last yr to this yr march when i stayed at my auntie place, my own auntie which i thought i could depend on.. Start demanding money from me... Although she did it so subtle-ly.. she did talk to everyone behind my back.. which is just so wrong and it did really hurts me a lot... Coz i felt like no one can be trusted anymore. But my grandparents nvr understands that.
EVERYTHG as what it seems are all my FAULT. Not THEM.

Then last june, my auntie (which is my uncle's wife) is even more worst.. Always targetting for ppl mistakes. I have been living in that house for 11 yrs and she, who juz came into my life, was like so damn arrogant!! Thinking that it's her house n such that i'm not allowed to do anythg to it. Kept checking the house & pointing out my mistakes as if she's the perfect one!!! And it all happen b'coz she knows my uncle is in Dubai and she acts like a mistress. She even asks her maid to spy me. Duh! What a lowly creature.

I still remember her words clearly. (With a snobbish, arrogant tone!)
"YOU LISTEN TO ME. THIS IS MY HOUSE. NOT YOUR GRANDPARENT'S HOUSE. SO YOU MUST FOLLOW WHATEVER I SAY IF YOU WANNA STAY IN THIS HOUSE. AND DON'T YOU DARE TO COMPLAINT TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS THAT I SAY THESE THG TO YOU."

At that point of time.. my hatred towards her was to the maximum.

I swear that i won't even touch my feet into that house again if its not for my grandparents. And they really enjoyed gossiping behind my back. She's not even that perfect. Masa baru2 kahwin, ppl are talking abt her too. And how can she compared that damn pampered good life of hers to my complicated life of hell???
She doesn't even deserve to advise me apa lage to talk to me in that kind of snobbish tone (that i don't think even Victoria Beckham or Paris Hilton would have ever done)!

She can take that damn house of hers. I would buy mine some day with my own money.... Titik peluh aku sendiri... Thats a promise!
And one thg is for sure... If i have a lots & lots of money, i will surely just throw any amt of money to them... No need for them to talk & called me names again..

Now they are saying that i'm an unfaithful, tak mengenang budi girl coz i didn't visiy my auntie anymore (for the obvious reasons) and i seldom visit my grandparents anymore (for that damn auntie reasons) and they think like i was enjoying my life in my dad's house!

What do they know? When the difficulties and hard times struck? When sometimes that i don't eat, when i feel sick.. Sometimes my grandma did ask me to come over when she cook some fav dishes for me (its really a pity) but i won't go as long as that auntie is there. I am not being a bitch. She is.

My uncle would be so dissapointed if he knows abt it.

I can't even imagine what this year Hari Raya would be like... :(

Don't get me wrong, i really love my grandparents but sometimes their thinking is too old-fashioned and they don't really think that ADULTS do make mistakes too.

I don't know what they are fussing abt since its not like i spend lavishly. Its just that its a matter of bad luck & unlucky-ness of my 21 years of life... Coz afterall, i'm not born with a silver (or gold!) spoon in my mouth.

That is why sometimes i juz dont understand why some ppl got so much to complaint abt their life when theirs is not that bad at all.
Diff between & them, i dont ever complaint to my friends that i have such a sucks life. Coz i try to stay positive all the time but some of them are complaining abt their lives as if its the end of the world!!! Its hard to take it sometimes.. Coz when ur life is already full of shit, why do u still wanna surround urself with more negative thgs ryte? But alas.. what to do.. a friend is still a friend.

"I just felt that there are so many thgs that i've been deprived off since i was a kid.. the love, the unsufficient money, cannot overnite, cannot go out, cannot wear this and that, yeah i agree that its for my own good.. but its kinda suffocating sometimes.
And when i'm a bit older and started to do thgs my own way.. The kinda life that i wanted to live.. And.. I was accused of being a rebel and kurangajar.. What more can i say??
I just swear that i will work hard to change my life so that ppl won't look down on me anymore. I am a survivor coz life really teaches me how to be strong and to be more determined of a successful life."

*THIS BLOG IS PURELY OF MY PERSONAL LIFE. NOTHING GOT TO DO WITH OTHERS.

Signing off,
Natasha Fazlini

Help!! I really like the new baby pink timepiece (the silver one is also nice...) from
JUICY COUTURE!!!

Very nice leh....... Hopefully somebody will buy it for me.. Lolz!!!

Hmm... i'm really worried with the thgs that i have to buy every single month... (that i'm overspending!!!)
i dont think that my current pay is sufficient enough... Here are the lists on why every end of the mth, i'm barely left with a single cents...

*Make-ups
*Skincare products
*Facial care products
*Hair products
*Entertainment (movies.. etc)
*Clothes (I've already try to limit it)
*Bags & shoes... etc.
*Occasional facials & spas treatment.
*Plus food (occasional treats like pizza hut & swensens) & transportation (inc. taxis).

I'm thinking how am i ever gonna afford to live comfortably?
How ehk? Through my own efforts or find a rich bf?

Signing off...
Natasha Fazlini

I can read your mind...
and I know your story.
I see what you're going through.
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry..
But I know it will come to you..
Don't surrender 'cause you can win...
In this thing called love..

When you want it the most there's no easy way out...
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt...
Don't give up on your faith.
Love comes to those who believe it...
And that's the way it is...
When you question me for a simple answer...
I don't know what to say, no...
But it's plain to see, if you stick together...
You're gonna find a way, yeah...
So don't surrender 'cause you can win...
In this thing called love...
When you want it the most there's no easy way out...
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt...
Don't give up on your faith...
Love comes to those who believe it...
And that's the way it is...

When life is empty with no tomorrow...
And loneliness starts to call...
Baby, don't worry, forget your sorrow...
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all...
When you want it the most there's no easy way out...
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt...
Don't give up on your faith...
Love comes to those who believe it...
And that's the way it is...

--> This is a good song... From Celine Dion...

I really hope that on one fine day.........
My prince will come and find me to take me away from all these troubles and pretences in this world.
My whole life has been a pretence...
With no real happiness to begin with.

Now.. I have no more willpower to survive.....
The will just evaporates.. gone like the way i failed that test yesterday.
Coz.. Its hard to survive when you're just a nobody, poor and trying to make somethg out of myself but with no moral supports...
Cannot depends on others.. when you know that with every help that they give, they will always expect somethg in return.

Duh!! When will you ever learnt!

I wanna live a happy & contented life...
Everybody wanna lives a happy life...
But sometimes it juz seems that the choice is really not in our hands.

Signing off,
NATASHA FAZLINI

Today is a really2 bad day for me... :(
Its supposed to be my exam day for my M5.
I'm kinda excited lah coz i hope to passed..
And i got to know that this guy that i know.. pernah amek exam nie dulu..
And he wants to share his notes lah watsoever...
Then he seems kinda nice lah n said he can fetch me from work since my exam kul 7 pm.
And there's no way i can make it on time unless i take a cab which i am actually got no budget at all at the moment.
Alhamdulillah....
In the morng, it all turns out well.. But the prob is during aftnoon he didn't reply my msg and i thot ok.. maybe he was sleeping...
And then smp ptg tak reply another msg.. so i called him...
Dia kata dia nak kuar umah.. Then dats not a reason for him not to call me..
I suspect that he juz woke up actually...
But i juz calm myself.. coz aft that he msg me yg he's on the way...
Then aft that i waited for him mcm tak smp2.. Then i called him many times and he didn't pick up the fone..
And i was at lost... Dunno wat to do.. Then suddenly i was crying at the bus stop..
Coz firstly, my money was not enough to take a cab (which is hard to get in the first place at tuas)..
secondly, if i were to take a bus to boon lay n then withdraw money.. it'll be too late for me to take a cab.. Dats y i'm at lost..
Luckily my colleague who got a lorry, stopped.. And ask me to go inside..
And they took me to Suntec.. But i kept crying all the way...
I juz can't describe the feeling.. coz i was dissapointed that somebody could do this to me.. As this thg is very important to me.. Esp for my future...
I was 25 mins late... Lucky they accept me in... But i was having a headache from all that crying..
And at last i FAILED it!

Sometimes........
I just felt that i miss you a lot......
I do hope that we will be together again.....
But at last, a past is still a past......
Unless if u can turn back the time......

Thanks to you. You've driven me to this state of loneliness & confusion. I can't even describe the feeling.......
No other guy can even match up to the feelings that i had for you.
After you, its hard for me to find a guy.
Coz everytime they touch me, i will think of you.

Sometimes, i still see you in one my dreams....
Sometimes, i dreamt abt you in my sleep....
Sometimes, i still see your illusions whenever i go.....
Sometimes, i still see your smile in my mind....
Sometimes, i would wonder what its like to be your wife......

I don't understand.
My period is finishing.. And i'm still feeling moody and helpless..
and so very the tired!!

I'm so restless.. And i especially really hates this feeling when u are all poor and constantly thinking of when & where to get more money.
Damn.
I didn't manage to save my money again.. :(
And.. he's offering me money again.. Should i take it when i'm so in need of it right now? Even though i know that its not the ryte thg?
Coz i definitely know that money can't buy LOVE.

And i'm so damn hungry too.
Which makes me..
Kept thinking abt him. Think & think & think again.
I wonder where he is now.. what's he is doing n so on...

God pls help me!!!
Let me be a successful person for once in my life... Amin.

Yesterday..........
Something disastrous happened.

A guy called me a FUCKING BITCH.
When i did nothing wrong to him..
Except that i said that i am not interested in him.
And not interested in having a relationship.

Apart from the FUCKING BITCH, HE said that i was a LIAR, who's very UNFRIENDLY, LIKES to MANIPULATES GUY and THINKS HIGHLY OF MYSELF.

Then he said that he's not a kid that i could play with..
So fine!! Why doesn't he find another girls then?
Why keep pestering me until i have to ignore him?

DUH!!!
I really had enough of all these crazy GUYS!!

I have my own life to live!!
My own tears to wipe!!
My own dreams to fulfilled!!
And my own destiny to reached!!

15/08/07 --> I'm sick of all the unwanted attentions from guys.

Anyway, now i've been addicted to the "Beautiful Girls" Song!!

Here's the combined lyric from Jojo and Sean:

You're way too beautiful girl...
That's why it'll never work...
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal...
When you say it's over...
Damn all these beautiful girls...
They only wanna do your dirt...
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal...
When they say it's over...

See it started at the park, used to chill aft dark...
Oh, when you took my arm... That's when we fell apart...
Cause we both thought that LOVE last forever...
They say that we're too young...
To get ourselves sprung...
Oh, we didn't care... We made it very clear...
And they also said that we couldn't last forever...

I remember when i was hanging with my friends...
That's when i caught your eyes.. You thought that i was fly...
Then you wished that i would be your baby...
You try to get some game... Asking me girl whats your name...
All that ice upon ya chain... So i asked you the same...
Something tells me that we'll have fun together...

I ain't easy to find.. I'm one of a kind..
Oh when i judge your wine..
I know you're only mine.. Tonight is yours...
Tomorrow is for another guy..

See its very divine.. You're one of a kind..
But you mush up my mind...
You ought to get declined...
Oh Lord, My baby is driving me crazy...

I'm way too cool for ya boy.. Thats why it'll never work...
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal..
When i say it's over...
Damn all these beautiful girls...
We're only gonna do your dirt...
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal...
When i say it's over...

It was back in 99, watching movies all the time...
Oh when i went away.. For doing my first crime...
And i never thought that we're gonna see each other...
You've been calling me.. Leaving messages all week...
Cause your curiousity got your knees weak...
I'm not looking for a man.. So i don't want no confusion...

See it's very divine.. You're one of a kind...
But you mush up my mind...
I know you're only mine...
If you stick around...
Be careful not to fall in love...

You're way too beautiful girl...
That's why it'll never work...
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal...
When you say it's over...
Damn all these beautiful girls...
We're only gonna do your dirt...
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal...
When i say it's over...

Now we are fussing.. And now we are fighting...
Please tell me why... I'm feeling slighted...
And i don't know how to make you better...
You're dating other guys.. You're telling me lies...
Oh i can't believe what i'm seeing with my eyes...
I'm losing my mind.. And i don't think it's clever...

Now a couple of months have past..
Never thought that it would last...
Oh everybody asked.. How ya got a girl like that?
But you should've known..
That nothing lasts forever...
I've mushed up your mind... When i tell you lies..
But boy don't be surprised that i'm seeing other guys...
I'm too young to settle.. And..
You should've known better...

I'm way too cool.. For ya boy..
That's why it'll never work...
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal...
When i say it's over...
Damn all these beautiful girls...
They only wanna do your dirt...
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal...
When they say it's over.................... :)

Around early last week.. there is this one african/french foreign talent footballer wanna get to know me.. (Duh!)
He was asking me for directions when he suddenly asks me my name... And as usual.. he thought that i was not malay..

It won't be so suprising if i were to be in a club or something(which i don't btw) but it was early in the morning while i was on the way to work...
He wanted to have breakfast with me...
But i said i was late.. and he offered to send me to work..
So i said there is no need for that.. and he insist to give me the cab fare.. I was so embarassed to create a scene there so i just took it and when i'm inside the taxi that i realized it's $50!
Then i was thinking should i return it back or not...
And he kept asking for a date.. The other day i've already agreed for a dinner.. Only as a friend...
But, i think he was hoping for something else...
Which i've make it clear that it is not possible between us!
But he did not seem to understands it.
Plus he does not seems to give up!!
Or.. maybe he just won't accept it that a normal girl like me would reject a handsome & rich footballer like him? I would never know....

Plus.. Norhasri (my ex!) ditched me again!
If he is really busy or working overtime, he could just tell me that he won't be meeting me but no, he won't reply my msg or even answer my call that day!
Luckily i did not wait him for too long...
I was super pissed off... and kinda sad & heartbroken too...
Why must he hurt me again & again? :(

HAPPY 42nd BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE!!!

I REALLY LOVE MY COUNTRY VERY MUCH.............

Now that you're out of my life...
I'm so much better...
You thought that i will be weak without you...
But, i'm stronger...
You thought that i will be broke without you...
But, i'm richer...
You thought that i will be sad without you...
I laugh harder...
You thought that i won't grow without you...
Now, i'm wiser...
You thought that i will be helpless without you...
But, i'm smarter...
You thought that i will be stress without you...
But i'm chilling...
You thought that i won't sell without you...
Sold 9 millions...

I'm a survivor!
I'm not gonna give up...
I'm not gonna stop...
I'm gonna work harder...
I'm a survivor!
I'm gonna make it.
I will survive... Keep on surviving...

You thought that i couldn't breathe without you...
But, i'm in heaven...
You thought that i couldn't see without you...
Perfect vision...
You thought that i couldn't last without you...
But i'm lasting...
You thought that i would die without you...
But i'm living...
Thought that i would self-destruct...
But i'm still here...
You thought that i would fail without you...
But i'm on top...
Even in my years to come...
I'm still gonna be here...

Yesterday he told me that.......
Maybe he's suffering from an illness (brain tumour or sumting).

It's not confirm yet.. But the news makes me sad...... :(
Although i did not tell him that.

Mayb he feels that i did not care for him...
But deep down inside i know that i want him back...
Its only that he's diff person from what i used to know that makes me stop.

I dunno why i felt empty inside nowadays.
Ever since you came back, my life is in a mess...
Deep down inside...............
Even if you...........
Always make mistakes............
Always dissapoints me............
Always breaking my heart.......
Always acts cold towards me....
Had some other gerls outside......
I know that i will always LOVE you................
Yesterday, tomorrow, now & FOREVER......

As of today: Gaji jalan mcm air..
The prob with me is that i'm too generous for my own good!
Kalau nak kluar dgn org yg takda duit je sumer org aku nak blanje!!
Then taxi.. I must stop taking taxis!!!
I've now resorted to leaving my atm card at home..
Haizzz........

MEMORIES OF THE PAST: Ina & Joe --> The Pure Love

Truth is the most important thing yg buat aku terpikat dkat Joe is his character.
Taat pegangan agama.. And pandai berkata2..

I can see that he got a real character for a gd husband.. and eventually i fall for him.

Then i got to know that he's a divorcee.. But i dun really mind... Coz he's actually a very gd husband. Maybe that he & his wife got diff views...

We are planning to get married... N then suddenly he creates the trouble and ignores me.

Reason: He doesn't want me to suffer with him!

I was very hurt... Coz i believe that couples should always stick together no matter how tough it is..

N in the end i could see that he's a weak person afterall...

Definitely not the guy that i thought i fall in love with...

Aft this r'ship, i've decided that this will be my LAST ever break up...

MEMORIES OF THE PAST:

From Sept 2006 until now (Break up on Dec 2006) --> Ina & Zali (The wanderer)

Got to know him through a friend.
At first meeting (he brought his fren!), i don't really quite like him.
But he touched my heart with his sweetness and his voice so i accepted him.
At first i was puzzled by his behavior.. kdg2 contact kdg2 tak..
Alasan? Hp tak top up lah, tido umah kwn lah...
Cuma kdg2 aje kalau i turun wdls (coz that time i was staying with my aunt), then i'll meet him at Takraw Court (where most of our dates are).
Ada plak he did asked for a time off...
Then at last masa bln puasa came out the truth................
Yg he actually dah brape bln tak balik umah since he quarell with his dad n he's also not werkg anymore!!

I dunno what to say.. Coz i can't accept a guy like that.
But after i think it through, i feel like it's wrong to ditch ur bf masa dia susah..
Coz afterall when u make that promise to be in a r'ship, susah senang mesti bersama ryte?
So i preservere........... waiting for him to be someone that i hope he'll be..........
And i did manage to persuade him to went back home for Hari Raya..
Tu pon memerlukan byk kesabaran...
Masa tu i asked him to buka sama2... dia buih..
Left me and his frenz aje...
Jalan raya sama2... dia buih..
Left me and his frenz aje...
Mcm matair with frenz pulak!!

Then it happens that an incident happen and we nearly broke up.. Nasib tak jadi..
N he quarell with his dad again and tak balik lage.. kerja pon blom dpt...
But i did a sacrifice that no person can do.. with the kind of family i had.
But it was kinda fun actually.. coz we feels like family...
Amy. Ina. Shasha. Mako. Zali.
and.... not forgetting... cute little Hanis!
Everywhere we're together... 24/7.
Everyone's happy.
But the question on my mind is smp bila nk mcm gini?
I'm the only one werkg.. n its hard to survive with my pay alone...

Amy did say to me yg best kan kalau me n zali get married n they can live together with us...
Its a gd idea but seeing zali's condition now.. i dun think so lah...

At last aft a few happy weeks, he BROKE UP with me.
Reason being?
He dun wanna trouble me anymore n he asked me to find a better guy than him!
I cried two times. One is on the night that he nearly broke up with me masa tgh mkn at 888 Plaza (using my money!) and second is below charley's blk the next day which i cried so hard.. i think my i almost died of sadness!!
I still remember what his fren told me.. "Ina, ina tak payah nak tunggu2 zali.. Zali 5 atau 10 thn akan dtg tetap sama.. Gaknye semua rc kat s'pore dia dah conquer... You just find someone better than him okay.."

N that night i can't sleep and my body was shivering all over.. I dunno why its worst but i just feel the lost coz me and him plus all his frenz are like family already.. N i feel like i'm losing my family members... which is a very hard and sad thing... I just feel that he's so cruel!

N after the break up, i did give him some time n to come n find me but he didn't until 2 months later when i've change into a completely new person.. n after i got to know some things from his frenz... which makes me very angry... That is why i never accepted him back.. Even though his frenz all say that he always asked abt me 24/7. I know that partly he wants me back it's b'coz of his frenz yg ckp "kau bodoh sak tglkan pompuan sebaik ina".. Haha!

Up until now also he had work n quit two jobs in like 5 months time.. Haizz!! N blom balik2 umah lage.. still lepak...
Guess a leopard nvr changes its spots huh... Hee...

At last dapat jgk gaji... After a long wait...
Thks to all the guys at Showtec Communications who have helped me a lot..
Love you all many2... :)

I really think i've got to back up.. Must not spend so much next time!! Pls keep this in ur damn mind.

When times are bad, and you feel that u've got no one to turn to.. you will know who is ur real friend and who is not. I've hav had two betrayals and not including the ones from my family.. I can't believe it that the person most close to me can do this.. :(

The other day i met with my future Prudential manager.. Mr Martin Ho.. which is a very very nice guy.. Like a counsellor u know.. Almost as nice as Abg Fadoli..

He motivates me a lot during that 2 hrs.. Only 2 hrs u know.. N i felt so motivated!

N he asked me to always be positive and to always surround myself with positive ppl.. In the 2 hrs, he could tell that i have lots of probs n comes from a un-homely home.. I nearly cried!

I really hope that i can succeed in this line. I want to prove it to all that i CAN do it!!
Amin.......