Why do I feel like I hate Ridzwan today?
Now everything will be like the old time.

I knw it's an entirely his fault but I can't help feel its entirely his fault.

I'm so happy to get that extra $300 from my boss.
It relieved me a lot... So I am grateful. But I still dislike the ppl.
Why do I have to work with people when I could work alone?
I hope I will be successful...

This year.. I will be 23... Seems like old...
N from what I've learnt from the recent events that's happening...
I just think that money makes the world goes around.
Ppl befriend others with money and status.
Even for such a small company like Showtec.
Mr Henry is excluded because he is the boss...

Without money, ppl will not do favours for others.
Since I'm just nothing in their eyes... like no value (money), it doesn't matter if i'm hurt, i'm tired, i'm angry, i'm sad.. So if I make it big someday, I hope these ppl are still alive to see me succeed.
Amin...

Disini, sedikit penerangan mengenai perkataan 'nusyuz' dari hukum ugama:

Nusyuz ialah isteri yang derhaka atau ingkar kepada suami tanpa alasan yang munasabah mengikut hukum syarak.

Sebab-sebab terjadinya nusyuz ialah:
· Isteri keluar dari rumah tanpa pengetahuan atau tanpa izin daripada suaminya. · Isteri menolak ajakan suami ke tempat tidur.
· Isteri bersikap kasar terhadap suaminya.
· Isteri tidak mengikut perintah suami yang tidak bertentangan dengan ajaran Islam. · Apabila disuruh menutup aurat dia enggan berbuat demikian.
· Enggan tinggal serumah dengan suami.
· Keluar rumah tanpa keizinan suami.
· Enggan menunaikan kewajipan sebagai seorang Islam, seperti mendirikan solat dan sebagainya.
· Menjauhkan diri daripada suami.
· Enggan memenuhi kemahuan suami kecuali yang ditegah dan tidak mencurahkan sepenuh kasih sayang kepada suami.
· Tidak memelihara kehormatan.
· Tidak menjaga amanah suami.
· Tidak merahsiakan perhubungan suami isteri.

Akibat daripada perbuatan nusyuz ialah:
· Isteri hilang haknya sebagai isteri.
· Suami tidak lagi bertanggungjawab memberi nafkah kepadanya.
· Isteri tidak berhak mendapat layanan dan keadilan daripada suaminya.
· Isteri tidak boleh membuat tuntutan daripada suaminya.

Enough reason for me not to feel guilty if I did nt talk/make conversation to her later part in life.
She's definitely not a role model and someone to look up to. Haha...
Too bad, she got a mum like her.

Yoohoo...
Today is my last day of sch!!!
Hopefully i will get As for my exams...
Amin...

My life is okay i guess... But it's still mundane...
I dunno when will I get my big break to achieve sumthg in this life...?
I just need a little boost... Sumthg to make me proud of myself...

Work-wise... it's still okay... But no chance to really prove myself in this Showtec.
Although life here is not so bad... but I feel like I just need sumthg more...
Esp since I'm nt even married yet.

But i think I've decided what I wanna do... If lets say he kept quiet and he nvr tell his family to come meet mine this March 2009, I will save my bonus and continue to take my advanced diploma... I can't just wait for him all my life.

So March will be my breaking point.. I will give him latest till April. He nvr said anythg then might I well I go ahead with it.
He juz dun get it when I ask him.. I can't be so straightforward kan.. I'm still a gerl.
He needs to give me a direction and I will know hw to plan my life.
He just cannot leave me hanging while he enjoyed his life.

And some more, he's the one yg tk tau hw to plan his life properly.. N pls dun complain when u're nearing forty and baru nk ada a child with me.
Everythg is not my fault.

God, pls show me the light... Amin...

I have sort out the probs with him on new year's eve...

And it continues that he totally depends on me.
And he don't know hw to take care of himself.
He just simply cannot live alone.

SO what can i do? I had to forgive him again no matter what happens.
It's nt really his fault lah... I dunno whose fault is it...
I just hope that he will learn more in 2009.
I will take care of him more and at the same time, i will make sure that he learn.

I just hope that he is normal and we could live a normal live together. Amin...

My New Year 2009 Resolutions:

1) To be more organize in my everyday life.
2) Be more punctual and early riser.
3) To lead live more healthily and look young alwayz.
4) To be more in love with my boyfriend and to treasure each other.
5) To have a more fulfilling great career.
6) To continue and upgrade myself.
7) To be a more respectful person.
8) To be someone's fiancee in March 2009.... hehe.

Since so much had happened this year... my ups and downs with him...
This is the final straw. You wld nvr change. I just knew it.
You really broke my heart. Coz everythg is nt going as planned.
Now, i wld let everythg go your way.

Tomorrow wld be the final day we met for 2008 and also for a long long time.
I won't stay here and sit ard and do nothing.. Just waiting for him....
I kept evrythg coz I thought since its nt long to our marriage, i will juz be good for nw and get married and be a good wife.

I've decided that since he's gonna be this way... For what do i stick to this mundane life while he do as he pleases?
I won't meet him for most of 2009, we save pelan2 and i cld just concentrate on my damn life and do the thgs that I want..
I hope that I can achieve what I want in this life... Amin...

My mood is dampened today.
Coz she's back to work today instead of 1 week of leave.. Why can't i at least have some peace for a wk?
I hate this world... its so unfair... haizzz...

Now she's making a big fuss abt boss msging her...

Sometimes i think Sharon is too evil.. she even wants to email everybody when the china gerl made a mistake and I can't believe that Joanna still wanna supports her.

I was so mad today... he actually had taken out lots of money from our joint acct...
He told me that he won't do it again...
Why did he do it? N he told me that budget lari? What kind of budget??

Apparently today we are nt okay because of the thgs he said to me and aft that the thgs that i said to him...
It was really dissapointing actually...
Mayb I did expect to much from him... Like what he used to be and what he is now, is million times better... But r still nt gd enough for me...
Am i too cruel to him? I knw that he was dissapointed....
He said that his dreams was shattered... i'm sorry abt it...
I didn't meant to say those hurtful thgs...
I guess he's a weak guy afterall... even before I really left him, he had already do trouble for himself.

When you feel your hearts guarded,
And you see the breaks starting,
When the clouds are far departed,
U'll be right here with me,
[Darkchild & Brandy]B rock...Darkchild..
We back..U'll be right here with me[Bridge]Y
ou'll be right here with meoh, oh [x16]You'll be right here with me[Verse 1]

When your life is going to fast,off the train tracks
I can slow it down, ohjust when you think your bout to turn back
'Stead you might crash
I'll be your ground, oh[Chorus]

Oh when you feel your hearts guarded,
And you see the brakes started,
And when the clouds above Departed,
You'll be right here with me,

And when your tears are dry from cryin,
And when the worlds turned silent,
So when the clouds above Departed,
You will be right here with me,Oh oh [Repeat x10]
I will be right here with you...
you'll be right here with me[Repeat][Verse 2]

When your trapped and there's just no key,
And you can't breathe,I breathe for you,
The fire's got you down on both knees,
And the walls are closing in but I will,
Break it through,And when you feel alone,
I'm a be at home,
Whenevers comes and go,
You know I got you,[Chorus]

Oh when you feel your hearts guarded,
And when you see the brakes started,
And when the clouds above Departed,
You'll be right here with me,
(You'll see the sun)
And when your tears are dry from crying, crying,
And when the worlds turned silent...silent,

So when the clouds above Departed,
You will be right here with me,[Bridge]
I will be here right beside you,
Every step you take (yea),
I will be your strength your shelter,
Shield you from the rain.....

he's doing it again!!
if he's nt making me mad... he's making me worried....
why can't he just let me be happy?
what does he wants in life?????
why does he gets nervous when i'm angry with him??
i do love him for god's sake! so pls dun do this to me okay..

I'm extremely sad with Ridzwan ryte now...
I've already known that this r'ship is doom from the start...
Why did i perservere? U cannot change the nature of a person...
So many ppl warn me abt it... N i refuse to listen...
I only saw the surface... I nvr saw the true colours...
The fact is that he nvr changed.

It's nearing 2009... Yippee!!
I'm so happy... It will be a new era for me.
N we r still so in love... Dats a gd sign...
I hope that we'll be together forever...

I will blog later for my resolutions and the 2008 closing.

Meanwhile, I'm on leave today so I will juz enjoy the day with him...

I love my dear coz he bought me the twilight book & the feet spa on the other day when he got his bonus... That's really nice of him...
It was an enjoyable saturday... But.. U knw that whenever he made mistakes, I wld alwayz forgives him... Mayb that I'm too generous... but I can't stay mad at him for too long and that goes the same for him... Although he told me that I rarely made him angry... Haha...
I'm truly a brilliant gerl coz any guys who were with me seldom get mad at me except those who are petty that they can't get me.. Hehe...
In a way, I think that I'm like Bella in Twilight... except that I'm less stubborn... :)

Have you ever loved somebody so much...
It makes you cry... Have you ever needed something so bad...
You can't sleep at night...

Have you ever tried to find the words...
But they don't come out right... Have you ever, have you ever...
Have you ever been in love...
Been in love so bad...
You'd do anything to make them understand...
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away...
You'd give anything to make them feel the same...
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart...
But you don't know what to say...
And you don't know where to start...
Have you ever found the one You've dreamed of all of your life...
Just about anything to look into their eyes...
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to?

I think I've already found him... But I don't wanna make it seem that it's only in the beginning that we feel this way towards each other....
To say that we light up each other's life n to stay forever this way till the end of time....

I love you, Ridzwan Bin Salim.

Dear Diary.

I dunno what's wrong with me....

I got a guy who loves me and is devoted to me.
Why did I ask him to go to another gerl? Crazy or not??
Don't I love him?? What more do I want?
I think I'm just dissapointed when I'm at my lowest and he doesn't care.
Or maybe I'm dissapointed coz he alwayz nvr do everythg that he said.
But still, that's not a reason to be that mean.

I hope God will forgives me for not appreciating what he had given.
I should have treasure my boyfriend instead of pushing him to someone else. Gosh!!

I do really love him. And I realized that it could affect my moods whenever he acts differently. But he's nt entirely at fault. It's just his nature. So I must alwayz forgive him.
I didn't really meant what I said yesterday dear... I swear.

Don't tell me that it doesn't hurts.

It hurts like hell.. I don't deserve it.

At work and at school. Fine, u're the one who dun wanna meet up and discuss.
And you hardly pick up ur calls or reply to sms.
And the at the morning of the last you frantically try to call everyone.
And then you volunteer to edit all.

SO what gives you the rights to use all your points and skip mine?

You didn't even use my diagram for goodness sake. It's my perfectly made diagram!

Do you think it's fair to me? I didn't sleep for the whole night tau...

Luckily lesson is left with two more only. After that I won't be seeing her again.
She still acts so nicely to me... Ouh Gosh!! That's why I thot she is a nice person in the first place.