Dear Diary.

I dunno what's wrong with me....

I got a guy who loves me and is devoted to me.
Why did I ask him to go to another gerl? Crazy or not??
Don't I love him?? What more do I want?
I think I'm just dissapointed when I'm at my lowest and he doesn't care.
Or maybe I'm dissapointed coz he alwayz nvr do everythg that he said.
But still, that's not a reason to be that mean.

I hope God will forgives me for not appreciating what he had given.
I should have treasure my boyfriend instead of pushing him to someone else. Gosh!!

I do really love him. And I realized that it could affect my moods whenever he acts differently. But he's nt entirely at fault. It's just his nature. So I must alwayz forgive him.
I didn't really meant what I said yesterday dear... I swear.

Don't tell me that it doesn't hurts.

It hurts like hell.. I don't deserve it.

At work and at school. Fine, u're the one who dun wanna meet up and discuss.
And you hardly pick up ur calls or reply to sms.
And the at the morning of the last you frantically try to call everyone.
And then you volunteer to edit all.

SO what gives you the rights to use all your points and skip mine?

You didn't even use my diagram for goodness sake. It's my perfectly made diagram!

Do you think it's fair to me? I didn't sleep for the whole night tau...

Luckily lesson is left with two more only. After that I won't be seeing her again.
She still acts so nicely to me... Ouh Gosh!! That's why I thot she is a nice person in the first place.

I think I'm stupid lah...
Why must I believe all his words??
Why did I ever suggest to him that idea anyway..
Coz I already knew that he's nt gonna do it??
Bodoh kan.........................
And then you still continue to be nice to him and give in to him.
Why must I stick with him anyway??
I'm not his property what...
Anyway if he really loves me, he won't do that...
So yeah... I kinda hate him right now.

December.

Is such a blissful month. Coz you know that a brand new year is just around the corner.
And I got many so called "holidays" now. Coz Boss juz came back from 2 wks holiday and his mum passed away.
But money is really, really tight now.
I hate this. Why is it such a torture just to get married??
I'm looking forward to all the holidays and for classes to end.
Getting really tired with work, colleagues, classmates, people.
Onlu looking forward in meeting my dear. No stress at all. Kalau jumpa hari2 pon more better.
Can't wait for 2009.
A YEAR OF HOPE.

These past weeks life had been normal.
Just concentrating on saving money.
For him, Dec is full of hope. He's getting his bonus soon..
For me, I have to wait long. I wanted to go dentist, but I feel like my money is not enough... How?
Even though bwk bekal everyday.. Still I need to survive on watever cash I had........
Still got lots of thgs which is unpaid. Makes me worried everyday... Gosh!!
I must nt spend on unnecessary thgs. :(

It's been so long... that I haven't seen your face...
I'm trying to be strong... But the strength I have is washing away...
It won't be long... before i get you by my side...
And just to hold you, tease you, squeeze you...
Tell you what's been on my mind...

I wanna make up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
I wanna make right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...

Girl I know, mistakes were made between us two...
And we show our true selves that night...
Even said somethings weren't true...
Why'd you go and haven't seen my girl since then why can't it be the way it was?
Cause you were my homie, lover and friend...

I wanna make up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...

I can't lie I miss you much...
Watching everyday that goes by...
I miss you much... Till i get you back, I'm gonna Try...
Yes I miss you much... You are the apple of my eye...
Girl, I miss you much, I miss you much...
I can't lie... I miss you much...
Watching everyday that goes by...
I miss you much... Tell I get you back...
I'm gonna Try...
Yes, I miss you much... Yes you are the apple of my eye...
Girl, I miss you much... I miss you much...

I wanna make up... right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...
I wanna make love right now na na...
I wanna make love right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...

I want you to fly with me want you to fly...
I miss how you lie with me, miss how you lie...
Just wish you could dine with me, wish you could dine with me..
One that would grind with me, One that would grind with me...
I want you to fly with me, want you to fly...
I miss how you lie with me, Ohh miss how you lie...
Just wish you could dine with me, wish you could dine...
One that would grind with me, Ohh One that would grind...

I wanna make up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...

- I can't believe I cried when I saw this videoclip...
I hope that wherever you are right now, you will think of me this way..
I wanted you to realize that what you did is very painful for me.
I hope that you realized, when you had everything now,
What could you possibly desire anymore?
Only the one that you love most.

Boring lah... sia2 je aku amek half day hari tu.

Aku dah agak dah.. mesti it does not went well. Failure again.

Tapi, aku tknak lepaskan peluang nie coz it's an organization yg aku suka...
Dun tell me I have to be stuck at Showtec? Oh no!!

Bodoh lah. Dah waste aku nya leave.. nasib dat day dpt jumpa my dear.

Now lage a few wks to the new year... 2009.

So many thgs to do, assignments to finish, so many thgs to think of.....

I really hope that Wan and me could last till our wedding and we could become as husband and wife.
Cuma masalahnya... dia nie susah nk kumpul duit? Then bila susah nk kumpul duit, susah pulak nk ckp dgn his parents... So mcm mana tu ada gini nya probs?

Hopefully 2009 everythg will goes well... Amin...

I feel happy everyday that I got someone who loves me very much by my side...
Thanks to him.. I think it really made my life more meaningful...
At least we could support each other in this life.

But I am unhappy everyday because of the job environment...

I really wish for a change of job soon... But the economy is really bad.
And what do I have as an advantage against others??

Ouh my God.. I really dun wanna be stuck with this bunch of ppl.
Thank you God for giving me a job but I really wish for a new and better job soon.

Amin.

Bila ehk nak jadi somebody who's respected?
N not to worry anymore?
You have to earn the respect what...

Bila hidup aku nk jadi lain? Hopefully after marriage lah..
And hope my life will becomes better and not worst.

*Now on enjoy mood coz boss in on holiday! Yay!*
*I wanna do braces!!!*

Kadang2 aku pelik lah dgn diri aku...
Apa lage rahsia Wan yg aku nk korek2 nie?
Apa lage benda buruk yg aku expect nk terkeluar?
Smp kdg2 ntah kat mana2 aku alih2 search kan nama dia...
In hope for what?
For more dirty secrets?
Then what?
I could safely asks for a break up?
Even though it's really in front of my eyes dat i'm the one who's doing the bad thgs in dis r'ship? Is it because I dun feel secure wif him?
So is it my fault or his?

Aku pon tk tau apa yg aku nak nie sebenarnya?
I'm lucky enough to hav a guy who loves me wholeheartedly.
Point blank ckp, he really loves me. The whole world could see dat.
N he won't ever, ever leave me... ever.
So I could live happily ever after n no divorce.
So.. apa lage yg aku nak? Apa lage yg aku tk happy psl dia?
Apa lage yg aku carik?
Lelaki mcm mana yg aku nak?
Jodoh apa yg aku really hope kan dtg?
Org mana yg aku still waiting?

Kalau tk happy, asal aku gi accept dia?
Asal aku memandai ckp aku leh accept duda anak satu?
Apa yg aku nampak in him dat time?
Then.. is it dat i'm lying to myself n to him?
Do I really love him?
Could I bear dissapoint somebody who loves me?
Does he deserves all these after what he's gone thru?
Do I deserve all these after wat I've gone thru?

From young... Or teenagers I had alwayz known that I'm special.
I'm got a different set of thinking from others.
I've alwayz wanted a different kind of life, a different kind of dreams, somthing that is untouchable but I still tried to reach it.

I wanted to touch ppl lives, do something meaningful, not the kind of way normal ppl live their life. But alas, I've got a normal family so I guess it's kind of unreachable and wan's family is also kind of the same with my family so I guess my life would kinda be the same. Unless, if Wan's agree to make some changes in his life with me.

That'll be great isn't it? Hehehe....

I just hope that I will have a happy & meaningful life.
And even though others doesn't believe in me, I will still strive very hard to achieve what I dreamt of.

Last wk had been a bad week... Alwayz crying when I talk to him.
Dunno wats wrong wif me.. Juz felt so dissapointed wif him. Even salah kecik pon boleh jadi besar?? Knape sey.. Susah lah... Rindu mmg tetap rindu especially klau dh tk jumpa for a long long time... Haizz?? Ntahlah...

People alwayz think that I dream too much.
But dere's nothing wrong in dreaming ryte??

Anyway who said that a dream could not become reality??
Who told you that dreams should alwayz be a dream.

I've alwayz seek inspirations from ppl who are successful with their own efforts.
N I inspire to be like them some day.

I hate it when ppl doesn't believe in me. Its the same as my dad, nenek and all the others.

I think I will be going crazy if i stayed showtec long.
I dread seeing her face everyday... Gosh!
Everythg will be my mistake. Hate it.
Dear God.. Pls help me.. I really need a new job!!

What a sad & gloomy day for me.
Sharon is alwayz enjoying herself & "torturing" me.
In reality, she doesn't know wats a hard life really is.

My bonus is far, far away. Haizzzz...
5 and half more months to go. :(

I completely do not understand why ppl do not want to admit their mistakes.

It's obviously her mistakes and she wanted to shift the blame on other people and let out her unhappiness. Even the boss thinks she is wrong so that means she is really wrong.

And do you really have to gossip in chinese abt the person who's obvious abt it even though she does not understand chinese??

It really makes me so damn mad!! Why do I have to take all the blame when she is the one who shifts all the work to me??!

I really hate her. N i'm stuck in this job for dunno how long.
Haizz... Dat's life.

Smlm... dia tanya aku whether dia nie jahat sgt ke?
Apa yg dia dah buat smp aku tk suka dia? I dunno why... It's kind of sad really.
But I felt that what sins I have made to God, since I got a guy like him?

Actually..... It's quite true that he nvr did anythg directly hurting towards aku.
And I know dat he loves me... But sometimes his actions are infuriating.
Sometimes, i juz felt that I can't accept his actions sometimes.
The heartache will forever be with me, since I don't have such nasty pasts for him to be heartaching over.
It does seems like he doesn't deserves me but overall he's actually not dat bad of a person.
Maybe he's extremely weak, but he's not bad.

Kalau dia loves aku, he wld forgo the hotel thg and be a gd guy and save the money rather than spend it and then end up have to withdraw frm the joint account.
When he knows dat money is a very important thg to me...

And I really don't like him to keep quiet. But since he said, wat I said is all true, then I guess that he don't have anythg more to say...

Kdg2... aku rasa aku sendiri yg contradicting, since I believe that humans make mistakes, he made mistakes, then why did I feel geli/jijik if he tells me stories abt the past??

Psl... dia yg sendiri melebih2 cerita kdg2 buat aku geli... yucks.
Pada aku he likes to talk abt his first ex... n the thgs dat he did (like following her blindly)n dat makes me more angry and hates him more. N she's not even a sweet young thg.

Maybe it's all my mistakes. I overestimates my own weakness.

Semua resah hati manusiamu...
Untuk membagi kisah atas nama cinta...
Derai air mata di setiap sujudmu...
Seperti tak pernah cukup untuk menjagaku...
Jangan butakan hati menjadi cinta yang semu....oo... Cinta yang semu...

Kau hembuskan ayat-ayat cinta untukku... Di sela doa dalam malam-malam yang sunyi...

Ampun yang engkau pinta, dalam semua keraguan yg tlah meliputi jiwamu...
Semoga akan membawa cintamu... Pada diriku dalam jalan dan ridho-Nya...
Jangan butakan hati menjadi cinta yang semu...oo... Cinta yang semu...

Kau hembuskan ayat-ayat cinta untukku...
Di tengah terik matahari dan dinginnya malam...
Kau panjatkan ayat-ayat cinta pada-Nya...
Melindungi dan menjaga kisah cinta kita...

10th of Sept 2008

Actually,

I wanted to wear back tudung after marriage.. Coz all my previous bfs and including wan also, proves to be such difficult guys. But, I persevere and decided to make my final decision and wear because of beloved atuk and also because I believe that if Wan really loves me, he won't mind to sacrifice a lot for me n that includes everything that he had to go thru now.. He had never sacrificed anythg for anyone.. So I guess it could be special. Only then we will achieve that happiness.

I have mixed feelings regarding wearing tudung at first, feels a bit like regret coz of Wan & some others are making my life a bit difficult and also because I still feel like dressing up and I haven't achieved my dreams of being successful and trendy. But on the other hand, wearing back tudung gives me a sense of calm and peacefulness.......

Thank God!

28th Oct 2008:

Although I know that he loves me a lot... From yesterday blog. But I still have some trust issues with him. Esp when dia shift ptg. Dats y I said I dun like him msk shift ptg.
Dis is wat happens lah. Pagi & mlm, dere will nt be a prob.
It's not that I dun wanna trust him completely. But he had to admit that he got nt so gd histories and even though a guy could love a gerl so much, but then the chances of infidelity wld still be dere as long as the other party knows hw to get to his weaknesses.

Abeh mcm smlm, it clearly shows dat the first part he's nt tired and still in gd mood and then suddenly nt gd mood or seems nervous. Then knape nk kene jalan kaki kan & then mcm nk tknak je bebual? Usually he will either take LRT or Bus.. nak balik umah cepat to eat or play games. Then he dun wanna kol me bila balik.. maybe coz he felt guilty?

Then do you expect me to think good only? No right... Esp since I know that gerl will always be there. As long as she nvr went to another shop or my bf nvr pindah. Coz I knw dat when uncle drops me at CCK, I wld always see her. N i know dat she's working yesterday. Anyway, a woman's instinct is always right...

If he lied to me, then so be it.

27th Oct 2008:

Today is his real birthday but I already wish him.
At 9.20 pm he called me and we talk for 3 hrs.. hehe...

I think that he's a sweet guy. And since i've known that he's not a sweet talker and he's not prone to lying, I would believe whatever he said juz now.
He told me that I'm different from the rest of the gerls and if he had met me before, he wouldn't have gotten married with his ex wife dulu...

That's the thg that he regretted most. Anyway, she doesn't look like the good, decent type sgt. Mayb coz Wan is also not dat gd dulu. Still, mayb they see other ppl behind each other back, so the love is not true at all. So when ppl got married, insincerely, they won't last long. Pity the daughter though.
Hw could you grow up and then learnt that you r born nt because of your parents love? That'll be very sad. I've nvr doubt that mama n abah doesn't love each other. At least I could be pacified with dat fact even though I'm nt close to my father.

But it can't be helped.. he cannot meet me dulu coz... even when he's married, i'm only still in Sec 4. Still struggling for my 'O' Levels. If before that, there's no way that he could meet me coz I only got to know guys the earliest when I'm in Sec 4. And I nvr chat.
So.. where do I meet him? I guess I nvr go out a lot and I dun frequent the place dat he went dulu.

And of cos lah I know that he loves me more than anyone else. That's all that matters.

His goal: To get married to ME and lives happily ever after? :) :)
My goals: To get married, to be a good wife, a good mother, successful in life, do more charities, hold a respectable job, take up advanced diploma n mayb a degree?, have a beautiful house, start my own business... etc.

See the difference between us?
His happiness lies with me only and my happiness lies with him and a lot of other things. :)

26th Oct 2008:

Celebrated his 33th birthday today.. which actually falls tomorrow..
At first really not in good mood because of yesterday and because I got flu.
He said he was sorry.. So I'm not so mad at him anymore...
Then aft taking the flu medicine, I feel drowsy so I went to sleep for a while.
When I woke up, I gave him the present.. Hehe

And then we ordered pizza hut.. :) Watch movie. Pity the birthday boy lah.
Not much celebration going...
And then worst.. I bought the wrong present for him...
Sedih sey.. Nvr mind, I will make it up to you some other day...

Valentine's Day I will make sure I give him a nice one...

Sometimes, i think that wan is not a responsible boyfriend.
So... How do you think that he could be a good husband???
Dahlah nak ajak org pegi tempat tu bsk.. then hw could he treat me like dis kan?

Countdown to New Year, Bonus and a new job:

Working days: 50 working days to new year
60 working days to bonus
90 working days to a brand new job (maximum)

Countdown to Marriage Life:

1 month to the HDB application result.
2-3 months to our confirmation.
11 months to the fasting month.
12 month to the Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
15-18 Months to Our Wedding...

Amin. I'm so excited. I can't wait for 2009.
I can feel that it will be an exciting year and full of hopes.
I will think abt my resolutions later...

Wan dah go check up and everythg's fine now...
There's nothing to worry abt... Wat a relieved...
I love my dear a lot....... Mmuach!! Mmuach!!

Psst: His Birthday is coming.. Dunno wat I shld get for him?

I finally confessed to my dear just now.. Haizz...
What a shame!
I feel so guilty and immoral...
Dear God.. Pls forgive me for my sins...

18/10/2008 ---> OUR FIRST YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

I'm so happy that we hit our first year... But, he still makes me angry on our anniversary!!
Psl dia lambat for 30 mins coz dia main game... :(
Then lepas tu tk mkn smp lapar coz dia main game... :(
Then masa aft kita mkn Fig n Olive tu, kita exchange cincin pon mcm tk romantic psl aku tgh marah lage...
But aft dat nasib dah okay... Ada ke dia nk ajak aku pegi tempat tu dat day??
Aku dahlah pakai tudung... Upset tau!!

Haizz... I juz got to know somethg tadi...

He msg Fadly!!! On the sly... When Fadly first told me kat msn, I was kinda embarassed
and mad... Hw could he do this to me?? I already told him to drop it coz I could handle
it myself.

But I have decided not to confront him. He probably did it out of jealousy and coz he dun wanna lose me.. So, I shld understand his situation.
The most I wld do is to delete the no. frm my old hp that he's using now...

Apa apa pon... Happy First Year Anniversary to both of us... Sign that we have marked our one year despite all circumstances means that our love had grown stronger over time.
Hope that it will laz forever... :)

Usually kan kalau a guy (ur bf) forgets to sms or call you on dat day, wat r the reasons?

Penat?
Ngantuk?
Lupa?
Inbox full?
Hp batt low?
Dah malas nk layan?
Call/sms another gerl?
Tk bwk hp? (Tapi smlm bwk)

Aku kecewa lah dgn dia.
Mcm gini ke nanti hidup aku yg seterus-seterusnya?
*Sigh*

My relationship with Showtec has it's up and down.
You could called it a LOVE-HATE r'ship.

My boss is okay except for the exceptional moods.
But Sharon...... That's not quite okay.
Joanna + Sharon = Not Okay.

Sometimes, u feel that it's really unbearable to work here but other times i could still survive a day here.

My colleagues are okay but it does gets boring here because you are different from them.. Too much of the worldly things.
Prefer not to get involved. The connections are not dere i guess.

You have to play the game in order to survive.

Lunch was not easy.
Distance is bearable since I got transportation from CCK.

But I juz find that I'm unappreciated here. I do most of the work.

And I feel that the salary does not commensurate with the amount of work.
Although some might say that it's a big enough amt already.

Still, my perseverance had pay off, since I had survvived 18 months here.
18 whole damn months.
Not a long time, i know but it's at least something. I had that valuable experience.

Around 95 more days countdown to tendering my resignation.
I hope I could get a better & secure job after this.. Amin...

Lost in a dream
Don't know which way to go
If you are all that you seem
Then baby I'm movin' way too slow
I've been a fool before
Wouldn't like to get my love caught
In the slammin' door
How about some information--please

Straight up now tell me
Do you really want to love me forever... oh oh oh
Or am I caught in a hit and run
Straight up now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together... oh oh oh
Are you just having fun
Time's standing still
Waiting for some small clue
I keep getting chills
When I think your love is trueI
've been a fool before
Wouldn't like to get my love caught
In the slammin' door
How about some information--please

[Chorus:]Straight up now tell me
Do you really want to love me forever... oh oh oh
Or am I caught in a hit and run
Straight up now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together... oh oh oh
Are you just having fun
You are so hard to read
You play hide and seek
With your true intentions
If you're only playing games
I'll just have to say--
bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye
Do do you love me
Do do you love me
Do do you love me
Do do you love me ?

Aku rasa aku kecewa sgt dgn wan.
Dah tkda meaning lage relationship nie aku rasa.
Maybe dia mmg dh nk break up dgn aku tapi dia tk smp hati...?
Kalau tk, dia tkkan lah tergamak nk buat nie semua...
Call aku pon tknak angkat...

I think I had a breakdown smlm...
During first day Hari Raya pulak tu..
Tak pernah2 tau.. Why can't he give me a bit of happiness at least?
Coz I couldn't stand it when he does it to me everytime?
N then I had to face everyone!!
It's so embarassing.. Why did he ALWAYZ do this to me?
What is he thinking?? What's in his mind??
I don't know whether I should stay mad at him or not, but he definitely have not msg me till now.

I think it's kinda hard for me to take bila wan perangai mcm gini... Lebih2 lage bila nk raya. Kalau ye pon aku creates mcm2 story, he should juz take it in his strides coz he knws dat dere's a few event happening these past few wks.. Of cos dat i'm still unstable right. Wif all these thgs happening and he's not part of it...
But no, he had to react more than me. Like he's the one who had been test wif all the dugaan.
And the words he said... Couldn't be more hurtful.
Alwayz, he expects me to understand him je bt he can't bring himself to understand ppl.
Why??

Saat2 gini when aku rasa dat he's nt the one for me, den why did sometimes i feel dat he is?
Will he reacts like dis in the future or more worst?
How will my life be after we r married?
Everybody was saying dat my life wld be difficult coz I wld always be the one who wld be thinking & handling abt everythg.

Dear God.. I beg u.. Pls don't put me in dis spot.. if he's nt the one.. Pls dun drag dis r'ship further. Juz let him break it up wif me now. I cld still try to survive the heartache coz of my datuk death is greater impact to me.
f he's really the one, let him stay & show me some signs.. Amin.

Anuar Zain - Ketulusan Hati

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa
Cintaku hanya indah
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya

Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau biarkan kasihku
Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis
Hanya tulusnya hati mencintaimu
Tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku hanya untuk dirimu selalu
Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa
Tak ada seribu janji
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya
Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau benarkan kasihku
Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis hanya tulusnya hati
Mencintaimu tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku hanya untuk dirimu selalu
Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau dengarkan kasihku................

Kdg2 aku sedih lah dgn wan. Coz he doesn't makes me happy.
Kdg2 he cld makes me happy but kdg2 dia lupa. :(
What am i gonna do now??
Do i still love him or not? What is this feeling?

6th of September 2008:

Today is the day my grandfather had passed away.
It was just after midnight. It was on a fasting month.
It was a truly sad, sad day. I was hoping to break fast with him.
I wanted to buy something for him.
I wanted to celebrate his birthday later on Oct.
I didn't know that he was that sick. I still look at him like he was a healthy man.
He alwayz ate like he was a healthy man.
It's because I had nvr once accompanied him to the hospital.
That I didn't know that maybe his condition has worsen.
Tak selalu jenguk2 dia after I've started working. I was too engrossed in making money, making a name out of myself, making sure I had a good future, doing my diploma, making sure i accomplished somethg before i was 25. Too engrossed with Wan too.
In the end I neglected my grandfather.
I really love him very much. He was my favourite person on earth.
He was so funny although he could get angry at times.
I really hope that he's peaceful there now.
I really really thinks that you're the best grandfather ever. U're the only grandfather that I hav ever had.
I could still lead on my life as usual but the fact remains I was missing Atuk badly.
Coz I was crying badly when I wrote this.
So many people turn out at his funeral and I was proud that my atuk had touches many lives.. So many people remembered him.
But I'm ashamed that I failed as the eldest grand daughter.
People are all looking at me like they were expecting somethg more from me. N I can't even provide that something to them.
At that point of time I felt like I was a complete failure. I just wanted my Atuk back.
I wanted him to be at my wedding. I wanted him to see his first cicit.
I had so many hopes for the family in the future. N everythg was gone when Atuk was gone. I would forever live with this regret.
I didn't have regrets when my mom died coz at that point I was little and I didn't felt like I didn't do her much. But this was diff.. He was waiting everyday for me to come..........
N I failed him coz of certain circumstances. Nobody could understand the sadness, but for me he was my only hope.

Alwayz in memory: My dearest datuk, Mohammad Bin Amat.

"I read a note my grandma wrote...
Back in 1923... Grandpa kept it in his coat...
And he showed it once to me...
He said boy you might not understand...
But a long long time ago... Grandma's daddy didn't like me none...
But I loved your grandma so... We had this crazy plan to meet...
And run away together... Get married in the first town we came to...
And live forever..........

But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead...
I found this letter and this is what it said...
If you get there before I do... Don't give up on me...
I'll meet you when my chores are through...
I don't know how long I'll be... But I'm not gonna let you down...
Darling wait and see... And between now and then...
Till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me...

I read those words just hours before my grandma passed away...
In the doorway of the church... When me and grandpa stopped to pray...
I know I'd never seen him cry... All my 15 years...
But as he said these words to her...
His eyes filled up with tears...

If you get there before I do... Don't give up on me...
I'll meet you when my chores are through...
I don't know how long I'll beBut I'm not gonna let you down...
Darling wait and see... And between now and then...
Till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me...
Between now and then, till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me"

I'm feeling lethargic again!!! I'm having sleepless nights!!!
Why is it that I felt like i'm bored with my life or bored with Wan???
Mayb i wish my life could be more exciting???
Maybe i'm ready to move on to the next phase but Wan still enjoys being in this phase coz he had already been to the next phase last time???
Dats why he juz sits back & relaxed.
I just think its unfair lor... Everythg is unfair to me.

Maybe its wrong of me to have such bad thots...
Ouh! Why am i so evil?? Having bad thots towards his ex wife...
But, u can't expect me to like her right???
She un-intentionally make my life difficult.
I hope that someday she will realized her wrong doings.
I hope one day my heart will be really & completely pure...
But for now, i will still have my evil thots towards her & the first ex.

Smlm is so sad & funny. Bdk yg kecik2 tu semua dahlah msk n bising2 kat bilik aku... Irritated pon ada. Nk buat homework pon tk sempat. N then mcm kesian sey alih2 dh nk dekat kul 11 pm, si akmal tu nangis kuat plak tu kat hall.

Rupanya I think my stepmum marah dia coz he like pukul the baby or sumthg. Then my dad dh gila asyik nk pekik2 je... Tk tau lah apa ntah. Tk tau bdk tu kat mana masa tu. Aku rasa Akmal mayb he's jealous lah or sumthg coz he dpt adek baru. N he dun understand what is baby.

But then terus my sister yg one of the twin amek dia lah n then dukung kasi aku kat dlm bilik.. bila aku dukung, dia stop nangis pulak tapi terus bdk tu terdiam sey.. muka sedih je... Aku kasi dia milo kotak pon tknak.. Slalunya dia lah yg first berebut. Kesian sey.. Then yg aiman dgn syablani asyik tanya je asal dia tk ckp, tk gerak plak tu.. Tknak gerak dari lap aku. N then the face lah.. Like so very sad. Terus mata dia dh ngantuk nk tertido, baru aku suroh syablani kasi kat my dad.

Mayb the age gap too near sgt.. tk patut lah... Bdk tu blom pandai ckp pon.. maseh blom faham pape.
If i become a parent one day, aku will make sure that the age gap between all of them is not too near.

N then Aiman pulak nk tido katil aku.. aku ckp cannot lah, tido kat bilik dia.. Then aku ckp joking2 nanti i kahwin, aku kasi dia lah katil nie.. Pastu dia ckp "Along nk kahwin dgn sape...?" n then aku ckp lah dgn org asal nk sibuk.. then dia ckp "Abeh asal kau dh tknak tido sini? Abeh nk tido kat mana?" Then aku ckp tido kat umah lain lah.. Then terus muka dia semacam sey.. Dia ckp "Alah, asal kau nk tido umah lain? Aku suka kau sey.." Haha.. SO sweet!! Dun worry Aiman, Along won't forget u ever...

Dats why aku ckp there is no pretension is little kids.. Unless adults teaches them the wrong thgs... Haizzz....

Sometimes I think life is really unfair...
But why does it have to be that way? Why do Wan hav to marry his ex wife and then divorce and then why does she have to marry my uncle??
Then since i married later, i should bear all the consequences....
Bored*Bored*Bored*
Blom apa2.. my wedding is spoilt.
Unless.. If i put a notice esp asking them not to attend...
Dat will seems evil esp since dats my relative... Duh!!

Why ehk? Why? Why? Why? Usually God gives this punishment to those who hav sinned... But is he showing that Wan is the one who's at fault?
That's why he arranged it this way??
Wan does his ex wife alwayz had it easy and he had it difficult?
Is it because he's the weaker party...?
Or is it God make it this way because ppl with more dugaan will emerge stronger??

U know why i nvr ever complaint abt my boss?? Because its a fact that he's nice to me (ever scold me one time only) and even though he's a bit stingy n expects his employees to do more (which what 99% of employers expect)... He's actually a nice guy. Alwayz giving ppl chance... sometimes.. too much until ppl could step on him though...
Hmm...........

Hiya all... Yesterday was my 10 months anniversary with Wan... :)

Time flies so fast... I'm glad I know that he's happy with me..
Coz i'm happy too juz being with him.. Thinking abt it, I could nvr imagine myself with another guy other than him.. Serious!!
And I could safely say that I love him more than Hasri now!! Yay! I love him more than my ex-es combined... I love him more than anythg else.. Except maybe Allah!
Even if one day, if... a very handsome, very rich, very hot guy came in into my life, I don't think that I could be with him or any other guy other than Wan.
I simply do not think that the other guys would love me as what my dear loves me.. Maybe they would pretend.. but I don't think it will be true.
Sometimes it scares you huh, when you realized that you could love a person so much.
I've never doubt his true love towards me simply because I could really feel the love.. N when you could feel the love, the pyhsical intimacy would come easily. I'm a very simple girl, I simply can't do it without love. That's a fact. So he does not need to worry abt me cheating him with others.... Hehe...
I hope the day will nvr ever come when I could not feel his love anymore... Then it will be a very sad, sad day...
I will love you dear!! Till eternity......... :)

Counting the days in becoming his wife.....................................