Smlm... dia tanya aku whether dia nie jahat sgt ke?
Apa yg dia dah buat smp aku tk suka dia? I dunno why... It's kind of sad really.
But I felt that what sins I have made to God, since I got a guy like him?

Actually..... It's quite true that he nvr did anythg directly hurting towards aku.
And I know dat he loves me... But sometimes his actions are infuriating.
Sometimes, i juz felt that I can't accept his actions sometimes.
The heartache will forever be with me, since I don't have such nasty pasts for him to be heartaching over.
It does seems like he doesn't deserves me but overall he's actually not dat bad of a person.
Maybe he's extremely weak, but he's not bad.

Kalau dia loves aku, he wld forgo the hotel thg and be a gd guy and save the money rather than spend it and then end up have to withdraw frm the joint account.
When he knows dat money is a very important thg to me...

And I really don't like him to keep quiet. But since he said, wat I said is all true, then I guess that he don't have anythg more to say...

Kdg2... aku rasa aku sendiri yg contradicting, since I believe that humans make mistakes, he made mistakes, then why did I feel geli/jijik if he tells me stories abt the past??

Psl... dia yg sendiri melebih2 cerita kdg2 buat aku geli... yucks.
Pada aku he likes to talk abt his first ex... n the thgs dat he did (like following her blindly)n dat makes me more angry and hates him more. N she's not even a sweet young thg.

Maybe it's all my mistakes. I overestimates my own weakness.

Semua resah hati manusiamu...
Untuk membagi kisah atas nama cinta...
Derai air mata di setiap sujudmu...
Seperti tak pernah cukup untuk menjagaku...
Jangan butakan hati menjadi cinta yang semu....oo... Cinta yang semu...

Kau hembuskan ayat-ayat cinta untukku... Di sela doa dalam malam-malam yang sunyi...

Ampun yang engkau pinta, dalam semua keraguan yg tlah meliputi jiwamu...
Semoga akan membawa cintamu... Pada diriku dalam jalan dan ridho-Nya...
Jangan butakan hati menjadi cinta yang semu...oo... Cinta yang semu...

Kau hembuskan ayat-ayat cinta untukku...
Di tengah terik matahari dan dinginnya malam...
Kau panjatkan ayat-ayat cinta pada-Nya...
Melindungi dan menjaga kisah cinta kita...

10th of Sept 2008

Actually,

I wanted to wear back tudung after marriage.. Coz all my previous bfs and including wan also, proves to be such difficult guys. But, I persevere and decided to make my final decision and wear because of beloved atuk and also because I believe that if Wan really loves me, he won't mind to sacrifice a lot for me n that includes everything that he had to go thru now.. He had never sacrificed anythg for anyone.. So I guess it could be special. Only then we will achieve that happiness.

I have mixed feelings regarding wearing tudung at first, feels a bit like regret coz of Wan & some others are making my life a bit difficult and also because I still feel like dressing up and I haven't achieved my dreams of being successful and trendy. But on the other hand, wearing back tudung gives me a sense of calm and peacefulness.......

Thank God!

28th Oct 2008:

Although I know that he loves me a lot... From yesterday blog. But I still have some trust issues with him. Esp when dia shift ptg. Dats y I said I dun like him msk shift ptg.
Dis is wat happens lah. Pagi & mlm, dere will nt be a prob.
It's not that I dun wanna trust him completely. But he had to admit that he got nt so gd histories and even though a guy could love a gerl so much, but then the chances of infidelity wld still be dere as long as the other party knows hw to get to his weaknesses.

Abeh mcm smlm, it clearly shows dat the first part he's nt tired and still in gd mood and then suddenly nt gd mood or seems nervous. Then knape nk kene jalan kaki kan & then mcm nk tknak je bebual? Usually he will either take LRT or Bus.. nak balik umah cepat to eat or play games. Then he dun wanna kol me bila balik.. maybe coz he felt guilty?

Then do you expect me to think good only? No right... Esp since I know that gerl will always be there. As long as she nvr went to another shop or my bf nvr pindah. Coz I knw dat when uncle drops me at CCK, I wld always see her. N i know dat she's working yesterday. Anyway, a woman's instinct is always right...

If he lied to me, then so be it.

27th Oct 2008:

Today is his real birthday but I already wish him.
At 9.20 pm he called me and we talk for 3 hrs.. hehe...

I think that he's a sweet guy. And since i've known that he's not a sweet talker and he's not prone to lying, I would believe whatever he said juz now.
He told me that I'm different from the rest of the gerls and if he had met me before, he wouldn't have gotten married with his ex wife dulu...

That's the thg that he regretted most. Anyway, she doesn't look like the good, decent type sgt. Mayb coz Wan is also not dat gd dulu. Still, mayb they see other ppl behind each other back, so the love is not true at all. So when ppl got married, insincerely, they won't last long. Pity the daughter though.
Hw could you grow up and then learnt that you r born nt because of your parents love? That'll be very sad. I've nvr doubt that mama n abah doesn't love each other. At least I could be pacified with dat fact even though I'm nt close to my father.

But it can't be helped.. he cannot meet me dulu coz... even when he's married, i'm only still in Sec 4. Still struggling for my 'O' Levels. If before that, there's no way that he could meet me coz I only got to know guys the earliest when I'm in Sec 4. And I nvr chat.
So.. where do I meet him? I guess I nvr go out a lot and I dun frequent the place dat he went dulu.

And of cos lah I know that he loves me more than anyone else. That's all that matters.

His goal: To get married to ME and lives happily ever after? :) :)
My goals: To get married, to be a good wife, a good mother, successful in life, do more charities, hold a respectable job, take up advanced diploma n mayb a degree?, have a beautiful house, start my own business... etc.

See the difference between us?
His happiness lies with me only and my happiness lies with him and a lot of other things. :)

26th Oct 2008:

Celebrated his 33th birthday today.. which actually falls tomorrow..
At first really not in good mood because of yesterday and because I got flu.
He said he was sorry.. So I'm not so mad at him anymore...
Then aft taking the flu medicine, I feel drowsy so I went to sleep for a while.
When I woke up, I gave him the present.. Hehe

And then we ordered pizza hut.. :) Watch movie. Pity the birthday boy lah.
Not much celebration going...
And then worst.. I bought the wrong present for him...
Sedih sey.. Nvr mind, I will make it up to you some other day...

Valentine's Day I will make sure I give him a nice one...

Sometimes, i think that wan is not a responsible boyfriend.
So... How do you think that he could be a good husband???
Dahlah nak ajak org pegi tempat tu bsk.. then hw could he treat me like dis kan?

Countdown to New Year, Bonus and a new job:

Working days: 50 working days to new year
60 working days to bonus
90 working days to a brand new job (maximum)

Countdown to Marriage Life:

1 month to the HDB application result.
2-3 months to our confirmation.
11 months to the fasting month.
12 month to the Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
15-18 Months to Our Wedding...

Amin. I'm so excited. I can't wait for 2009.
I can feel that it will be an exciting year and full of hopes.
I will think abt my resolutions later...

Wan dah go check up and everythg's fine now...
There's nothing to worry abt... Wat a relieved...
I love my dear a lot....... Mmuach!! Mmuach!!

Psst: His Birthday is coming.. Dunno wat I shld get for him?

I finally confessed to my dear just now.. Haizz...
What a shame!
I feel so guilty and immoral...
Dear God.. Pls forgive me for my sins...

18/10/2008 ---> OUR FIRST YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

I'm so happy that we hit our first year... But, he still makes me angry on our anniversary!!
Psl dia lambat for 30 mins coz dia main game... :(
Then lepas tu tk mkn smp lapar coz dia main game... :(
Then masa aft kita mkn Fig n Olive tu, kita exchange cincin pon mcm tk romantic psl aku tgh marah lage...
But aft dat nasib dah okay... Ada ke dia nk ajak aku pegi tempat tu dat day??
Aku dahlah pakai tudung... Upset tau!!

Haizz... I juz got to know somethg tadi...

He msg Fadly!!! On the sly... When Fadly first told me kat msn, I was kinda embarassed
and mad... Hw could he do this to me?? I already told him to drop it coz I could handle
it myself.

But I have decided not to confront him. He probably did it out of jealousy and coz he dun wanna lose me.. So, I shld understand his situation.
The most I wld do is to delete the no. frm my old hp that he's using now...

Apa apa pon... Happy First Year Anniversary to both of us... Sign that we have marked our one year despite all circumstances means that our love had grown stronger over time.
Hope that it will laz forever... :)

Usually kan kalau a guy (ur bf) forgets to sms or call you on dat day, wat r the reasons?

Penat?
Ngantuk?
Lupa?
Inbox full?
Hp batt low?
Dah malas nk layan?
Call/sms another gerl?
Tk bwk hp? (Tapi smlm bwk)

Aku kecewa lah dgn dia.
Mcm gini ke nanti hidup aku yg seterus-seterusnya?
*Sigh*

My relationship with Showtec has it's up and down.
You could called it a LOVE-HATE r'ship.

My boss is okay except for the exceptional moods.
But Sharon...... That's not quite okay.
Joanna + Sharon = Not Okay.

Sometimes, u feel that it's really unbearable to work here but other times i could still survive a day here.

My colleagues are okay but it does gets boring here because you are different from them.. Too much of the worldly things.
Prefer not to get involved. The connections are not dere i guess.

You have to play the game in order to survive.

Lunch was not easy.
Distance is bearable since I got transportation from CCK.

But I juz find that I'm unappreciated here. I do most of the work.

And I feel that the salary does not commensurate with the amount of work.
Although some might say that it's a big enough amt already.

Still, my perseverance had pay off, since I had survvived 18 months here.
18 whole damn months.
Not a long time, i know but it's at least something. I had that valuable experience.

Around 95 more days countdown to tendering my resignation.
I hope I could get a better & secure job after this.. Amin...

Lost in a dream
Don't know which way to go
If you are all that you seem
Then baby I'm movin' way too slow
I've been a fool before
Wouldn't like to get my love caught
In the slammin' door
How about some information--please

Straight up now tell me
Do you really want to love me forever... oh oh oh
Or am I caught in a hit and run
Straight up now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together... oh oh oh
Are you just having fun
Time's standing still
Waiting for some small clue
I keep getting chills
When I think your love is trueI
've been a fool before
Wouldn't like to get my love caught
In the slammin' door
How about some information--please

[Chorus:]Straight up now tell me
Do you really want to love me forever... oh oh oh
Or am I caught in a hit and run
Straight up now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together... oh oh oh
Are you just having fun
You are so hard to read
You play hide and seek
With your true intentions
If you're only playing games
I'll just have to say--
bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye
Do do you love me
Do do you love me
Do do you love me
Do do you love me ?

Aku rasa aku kecewa sgt dgn wan.
Dah tkda meaning lage relationship nie aku rasa.
Maybe dia mmg dh nk break up dgn aku tapi dia tk smp hati...?
Kalau tk, dia tkkan lah tergamak nk buat nie semua...
Call aku pon tknak angkat...

I think I had a breakdown smlm...
During first day Hari Raya pulak tu..
Tak pernah2 tau.. Why can't he give me a bit of happiness at least?
Coz I couldn't stand it when he does it to me everytime?
N then I had to face everyone!!
It's so embarassing.. Why did he ALWAYZ do this to me?
What is he thinking?? What's in his mind??
I don't know whether I should stay mad at him or not, but he definitely have not msg me till now.

I think it's kinda hard for me to take bila wan perangai mcm gini... Lebih2 lage bila nk raya. Kalau ye pon aku creates mcm2 story, he should juz take it in his strides coz he knws dat dere's a few event happening these past few wks.. Of cos dat i'm still unstable right. Wif all these thgs happening and he's not part of it...
But no, he had to react more than me. Like he's the one who had been test wif all the dugaan.
And the words he said... Couldn't be more hurtful.
Alwayz, he expects me to understand him je bt he can't bring himself to understand ppl.
Why??

Saat2 gini when aku rasa dat he's nt the one for me, den why did sometimes i feel dat he is?
Will he reacts like dis in the future or more worst?
How will my life be after we r married?
Everybody was saying dat my life wld be difficult coz I wld always be the one who wld be thinking & handling abt everythg.

Dear God.. I beg u.. Pls don't put me in dis spot.. if he's nt the one.. Pls dun drag dis r'ship further. Juz let him break it up wif me now. I cld still try to survive the heartache coz of my datuk death is greater impact to me.
f he's really the one, let him stay & show me some signs.. Amin.

Anuar Zain - Ketulusan Hati

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa
Cintaku hanya indah
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya

Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau biarkan kasihku
Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis
Hanya tulusnya hati mencintaimu
Tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku hanya untuk dirimu selalu
Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa
Tak ada seribu janji
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya
Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau benarkan kasihku
Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis hanya tulusnya hati
Mencintaimu tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku hanya untuk dirimu selalu
Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau dengarkan kasihku................

Kdg2 aku sedih lah dgn wan. Coz he doesn't makes me happy.
Kdg2 he cld makes me happy but kdg2 dia lupa. :(
What am i gonna do now??
Do i still love him or not? What is this feeling?

6th of September 2008:

Today is the day my grandfather had passed away.
It was just after midnight. It was on a fasting month.
It was a truly sad, sad day. I was hoping to break fast with him.
I wanted to buy something for him.
I wanted to celebrate his birthday later on Oct.
I didn't know that he was that sick. I still look at him like he was a healthy man.
He alwayz ate like he was a healthy man.
It's because I had nvr once accompanied him to the hospital.
That I didn't know that maybe his condition has worsen.
Tak selalu jenguk2 dia after I've started working. I was too engrossed in making money, making a name out of myself, making sure I had a good future, doing my diploma, making sure i accomplished somethg before i was 25. Too engrossed with Wan too.
In the end I neglected my grandfather.
I really love him very much. He was my favourite person on earth.
He was so funny although he could get angry at times.
I really hope that he's peaceful there now.
I really really thinks that you're the best grandfather ever. U're the only grandfather that I hav ever had.
I could still lead on my life as usual but the fact remains I was missing Atuk badly.
Coz I was crying badly when I wrote this.
So many people turn out at his funeral and I was proud that my atuk had touches many lives.. So many people remembered him.
But I'm ashamed that I failed as the eldest grand daughter.
People are all looking at me like they were expecting somethg more from me. N I can't even provide that something to them.
At that point of time I felt like I was a complete failure. I just wanted my Atuk back.
I wanted him to be at my wedding. I wanted him to see his first cicit.
I had so many hopes for the family in the future. N everythg was gone when Atuk was gone. I would forever live with this regret.
I didn't have regrets when my mom died coz at that point I was little and I didn't felt like I didn't do her much. But this was diff.. He was waiting everyday for me to come..........
N I failed him coz of certain circumstances. Nobody could understand the sadness, but for me he was my only hope.

Alwayz in memory: My dearest datuk, Mohammad Bin Amat.

"I read a note my grandma wrote...
Back in 1923... Grandpa kept it in his coat...
And he showed it once to me...
He said boy you might not understand...
But a long long time ago... Grandma's daddy didn't like me none...
But I loved your grandma so... We had this crazy plan to meet...
And run away together... Get married in the first town we came to...
And live forever..........

But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead...
I found this letter and this is what it said...
If you get there before I do... Don't give up on me...
I'll meet you when my chores are through...
I don't know how long I'll be... But I'm not gonna let you down...
Darling wait and see... And between now and then...
Till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me...

I read those words just hours before my grandma passed away...
In the doorway of the church... When me and grandpa stopped to pray...
I know I'd never seen him cry... All my 15 years...
But as he said these words to her...
His eyes filled up with tears...

If you get there before I do... Don't give up on me...
I'll meet you when my chores are through...
I don't know how long I'll beBut I'm not gonna let you down...
Darling wait and see... And between now and then...
Till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me...
Between now and then, till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me"

I'm feeling lethargic again!!! I'm having sleepless nights!!!
Why is it that I felt like i'm bored with my life or bored with Wan???
Mayb i wish my life could be more exciting???
Maybe i'm ready to move on to the next phase but Wan still enjoys being in this phase coz he had already been to the next phase last time???
Dats why he juz sits back & relaxed.
I just think its unfair lor... Everythg is unfair to me.

Maybe its wrong of me to have such bad thots...
Ouh! Why am i so evil?? Having bad thots towards his ex wife...
But, u can't expect me to like her right???
She un-intentionally make my life difficult.
I hope that someday she will realized her wrong doings.
I hope one day my heart will be really & completely pure...
But for now, i will still have my evil thots towards her & the first ex.

Smlm is so sad & funny. Bdk yg kecik2 tu semua dahlah msk n bising2 kat bilik aku... Irritated pon ada. Nk buat homework pon tk sempat. N then mcm kesian sey alih2 dh nk dekat kul 11 pm, si akmal tu nangis kuat plak tu kat hall.

Rupanya I think my stepmum marah dia coz he like pukul the baby or sumthg. Then my dad dh gila asyik nk pekik2 je... Tk tau lah apa ntah. Tk tau bdk tu kat mana masa tu. Aku rasa Akmal mayb he's jealous lah or sumthg coz he dpt adek baru. N he dun understand what is baby.

But then terus my sister yg one of the twin amek dia lah n then dukung kasi aku kat dlm bilik.. bila aku dukung, dia stop nangis pulak tapi terus bdk tu terdiam sey.. muka sedih je... Aku kasi dia milo kotak pon tknak.. Slalunya dia lah yg first berebut. Kesian sey.. Then yg aiman dgn syablani asyik tanya je asal dia tk ckp, tk gerak plak tu.. Tknak gerak dari lap aku. N then the face lah.. Like so very sad. Terus mata dia dh ngantuk nk tertido, baru aku suroh syablani kasi kat my dad.

Mayb the age gap too near sgt.. tk patut lah... Bdk tu blom pandai ckp pon.. maseh blom faham pape.
If i become a parent one day, aku will make sure that the age gap between all of them is not too near.

N then Aiman pulak nk tido katil aku.. aku ckp cannot lah, tido kat bilik dia.. Then aku ckp joking2 nanti i kahwin, aku kasi dia lah katil nie.. Pastu dia ckp "Along nk kahwin dgn sape...?" n then aku ckp lah dgn org asal nk sibuk.. then dia ckp "Abeh asal kau dh tknak tido sini? Abeh nk tido kat mana?" Then aku ckp tido kat umah lain lah.. Then terus muka dia semacam sey.. Dia ckp "Alah, asal kau nk tido umah lain? Aku suka kau sey.." Haha.. SO sweet!! Dun worry Aiman, Along won't forget u ever...

Dats why aku ckp there is no pretension is little kids.. Unless adults teaches them the wrong thgs... Haizzz....

Sometimes I think life is really unfair...
But why does it have to be that way? Why do Wan hav to marry his ex wife and then divorce and then why does she have to marry my uncle??
Then since i married later, i should bear all the consequences....
Bored*Bored*Bored*
Blom apa2.. my wedding is spoilt.
Unless.. If i put a notice esp asking them not to attend...
Dat will seems evil esp since dats my relative... Duh!!

Why ehk? Why? Why? Why? Usually God gives this punishment to those who hav sinned... But is he showing that Wan is the one who's at fault?
That's why he arranged it this way??
Wan does his ex wife alwayz had it easy and he had it difficult?
Is it because he's the weaker party...?
Or is it God make it this way because ppl with more dugaan will emerge stronger??

U know why i nvr ever complaint abt my boss?? Because its a fact that he's nice to me (ever scold me one time only) and even though he's a bit stingy n expects his employees to do more (which what 99% of employers expect)... He's actually a nice guy. Alwayz giving ppl chance... sometimes.. too much until ppl could step on him though...
Hmm...........

Hiya all... Yesterday was my 10 months anniversary with Wan... :)

Time flies so fast... I'm glad I know that he's happy with me..
Coz i'm happy too juz being with him.. Thinking abt it, I could nvr imagine myself with another guy other than him.. Serious!!
And I could safely say that I love him more than Hasri now!! Yay! I love him more than my ex-es combined... I love him more than anythg else.. Except maybe Allah!
Even if one day, if... a very handsome, very rich, very hot guy came in into my life, I don't think that I could be with him or any other guy other than Wan.
I simply do not think that the other guys would love me as what my dear loves me.. Maybe they would pretend.. but I don't think it will be true.
Sometimes it scares you huh, when you realized that you could love a person so much.
I've never doubt his true love towards me simply because I could really feel the love.. N when you could feel the love, the pyhsical intimacy would come easily. I'm a very simple girl, I simply can't do it without love. That's a fact. So he does not need to worry abt me cheating him with others.... Hehe...
I hope the day will nvr ever come when I could not feel his love anymore... Then it will be a very sad, sad day...
I will love you dear!! Till eternity......... :)

Counting the days in becoming his wife.....................................

Wee.. my bf came back juz now from Thailand...
I'm so happy... Maybe its true dat couples cannot live without each other?
Hehe..... Hari2 nangis sey coz i really miss him... Gila kot?

Anyway, I wonder how can a job give someone so much strez?
Why? Why did i hav to bear the strez n the job burden at the same time?
Did they pay mountains to me? No!!
I dunno why i wanna continue suffering here...
In a place where ur presence is not even appreciated??
Where the company doesn't value the employees??
Where I have to take the blame for everything???
Ouh my god pls.. Pls give me a great job opportunity...
I really need it. Amin...

Today is the 2nd day my dear go to Thailand...........
I can't believe that i cried dat day... N i can't believe that you can miss a person so much... Yelah... paling2 pon kalau tk okay... cuma 1 day je gitu...
And at least dat time i can still sms him sey... susah lah gini...
I really miss him!!!! Oh God....

N juz now i miss chatting wif him kat msn... Coz today i was so damn busy!!
I made a big mistake yesterday and i was suffering from it.
Although I have to say my senior was partly at fault.. Or else all these won't happened.
Why muz i face all this stress? Did they paid for my stress? No right!!

Everytime the same thg happened, i get blamed for it.
I'm sick & tired of hearing ppl gossiping everyday. Oh God!
Pls give me a chance to be successful in life... Pls...

I wonder what he's doing now... Maybe he's enjoying himself so much that he won't even think abt me ryte?? So upset... Gosh... 2 more days to endure this...
Haizzz.....

I dunno why Wan is such a weak person.
I dun meant it as in he hav to be aggressive but........
he muz know what he wants in live.
He muz know what to do, how to reacts... all the basic thgs..
he didn't know!
Kdg2 kesian, kdg2 marah............ Susahlah...

Do we spend so much time in the office and forget abt their family & loved ones?

A touching moral of a story:

A professor stood before his philosophy class with some items in front of him.
When the class with some items in front of him.
When the class began, he picked up a very large and empty glass jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into a jar. He shook the jsar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar is full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everythg else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.. The students laughed.

"Now, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls represent the important things - your family, your health, your children, your friends, your passions - the kind of stuff that it all else was lost and only these remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else - the small stuffs.
If you put the sand into the jar first, there will be no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. You know, the same goes for life."

If you spend all your time & energy on the small things, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the elements that are critical to you happiness.

On Sunday, went to his second brother's wedding..
Can say that everything is cork up and not going to plan.
Pagi2 je dah nampak muka his ex wife!
Such a coincidence that they arrived at the same time as us...
And then he never intro me to his relatives and i was like paisey and alone.
I was upset with him and then he doesn't even know it.. :(
Blur betol lah dia. Haizz... Malu sey.. Then mcm aku nk bebual pon aku tk tau mana satu nk tegur... makciks ke cousins....
Then nasib ada anak dia temankan aku n zana.
Tau pulak nk jealous when bdk2 kompang duduk kat meja aku! Hehe..
But all in all it's not dat great lah i have to say.

Susahlah gini.. Now is already 3.30 pm on a Friday.. and hati aku maseh tak tenang?
Why did i choose this path without thinking!!
Stupid of me... Coz maybe this ex wife is diff frm others...?
And Wan is also diff from others. Maybe coz he doesn't appreciates much that's why i'm feeling this way??
Why did i feel diff when i'm with Joe?? Dia pon ada ex wife jgk....
Now i'm dreading this Sunday. Now, i can't afford not to go coz his mum already invited me! Haizz.. serba salah pulak.....
Nie baru 2nd bro je yg kahwin sey.. nanti in future ada our wedding and his 2 more brothers, mesti dia nk sibuk2 jgk ke dtg??
Now i dun have anymore reasons to avoid her.
Only one sentence for her: "Pls get a life!".

Comment from someone: "Reading from your previous blog, can I safely assume tat u gonna be attached or berkongsi hidup bersama DUDA with anak??? pertaining to the topic, Its individuality thingy... 2nd wife MUST be tolerant and tak moh mudah melatah with wat ever tat gonna happen.. ye lah kekadang bekas janda dier mesti bengkak hati or mata merah kalau tgk ex hubby's new marriage better den last time..
IMPORTANT note: PATIENCE & TRUST.. wen it cums to kids,ex wife or maintanence shit, try not to get involved TOO much... Ada telinga dengar, ada mata melihat, ada mulut diam.. Cuz sumtimes, the other party MAY not like our presence. Unless dah melampau, juz pretend dat u dunno... sumtimes shit happens wen too many hand touch into small personal matters..."

Thanks for the comment... It doesn't really look good doesn't it? Haizz...

I felt like giving it all up. Serious.
If i give it up today, i won't have to attend the wedding on Sunday.
I'm feeling the jitters after what he had told me.
I'm still feeling it now as I write this blog.
I'm scared of what awaits me of the future.
Everything's in a mess. And i don't think he wld understand.
He's juz a guy. He won't have that many emotions. Unlike me.
I could juz leave him anytime during this past 9 mths of our r'ship like all the heartless women.. but why oh why am i such a nice person??
Serves me right. I do not heed others advise.
I didn't know his ex wife wld be that type. Other ppl would be so embarassed to attend an ex husband's family majlis. Logically.. Other ppl also said so.
The ex wife involvement is definitely not a good news to me...
What am i supposed to do ehk?? Pls tell me what am i supposed to do now??

Excerpt from The New Paper:
More Singaporeans are falling in love, out of love, and back in love again.
Why is it so hard to make a marriage last? To find the answer, we visit places that couples may find themselves in the course of their love story.
Our Question: What makes a marriage ticks?

THE MATCHMAKER:
The place --> Where the loveless finds love.
Most often heard phrases --> "Singaporean women are so demanding!"
The Love Guru & his thoughts--> A matchmaker, Mr Janson Ong, said "Marriage fails today would have started failing a few years ago. And when you look at the past 10 yrs, you'll see that it's not an easy time for couples. For some people, its no money, no love. We have to be realistic abt this. So matchmaking is a shortcut.

THE SOLEMNISER:
The place --> A beach, A ballroom, ROM, a place where marriage vows are exchanged - and the fairytale begins.
Most often heard phrases --> "I don't know what it means."
The Love Guru & his thoughts --> A solemniser, Mr Emmanuel, said: "Of the 900 or so couples that i have helped to marry over the past 30 years, abt one quarter of them come in with the wrong expectations.
Most of them do not know what a marriage vows really means, that it is not a vow you make to yourself or to your spouse but to your GOD.
It doesn't matter what religion are u in. A marriage vow is a promise to the supreme in your heart. A marriage is sacred, it's a vow that you should never breaks.

THE GYNAECOLOGIST:
The place --> Where love becomes complete.
Most often heard phrase --> "Is my baby normal?"
The love guru & her thoughts --> A gynaecologist, Dr Cathryn Chan, said "The birth of a baby is a critical time in a relationship.
Babies are "romance intruders" in certain ways. Caring for them may be an anti climax after the romance. To keep the love going strong, couples should not focus all their energy on the baby. They must remember to make time for each other.
But sometimes, the child keep a couple together only because of the responsibility.
So when the child is all grown up, the couple suddenly fimds themselves have grown apart. This is why in future, we see more and more older couples with grown up children divorcing.

THE LAWYERS:
The place --> Where the fairytales end.
Most often heard phrase --> "What happened to the husband/wife that I knew?"
The love guru and their thoughts --> Lawyers, Mr Ahmad said "The fact that there were fewer divorces in the past mean there were happier marriages. Women were less independent then a divorce were a taboo. While Mr Palmer said "Times have changed, and the pressure of modern life can lead to a breakdown in communication."
Mr Ahmad: "That may not seem like a problem when a couple first gets together. They have a meeting of minds and then they get married. The first year of marriage... That is critical. If they can survive it, they are good for another five or six years. These will be busy years when you hve your children, buy a flat or car. During this time, a couple may gradually grow in a different way. But they will only realise this later when thgs settle down & boredom sets in."
Mr Palmer: "Couples must remember that the communications begin before a marriage, not after."

THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR:
The place --> Where the love story ends the way it should - Till death do us apart.
Most often heard phrases --> "I see my husband/wife in my children."
The love guru & his thoughts: Funeral Director, Mr Victor Hoo said "I come in at the end of a beautiful love story and my role is to fill in the emptiness - with the memories of their love. But do we see the good, the bad & the ugly?
People say until death do us apart but what they don't say is that is it a sad parting or a happy parting?
Sometimes, the spouse is so relieved that husband or wife is gone. But i can tell whether a couple's love is true, juz by looking.
And its not from the crying. Its how much attention they pay to the details. Its like they are loving the person as if he/she is still there.
And this is what true love is: "When you can still love someone without his or her physical presence."

Have you ever really love a woman--Bryan Adams

To really love a woman, To understand her,
You've got to know her deep inside
Hear every thought, See every dream,
And give her wings when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms,
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman, You tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman, You tell her that she's the one
She needs somebody, to tell her that it's gonna last forever {2nd}
(She needs somebody, to tell her that you'll always be together)
So tell me have you ever really...really, really ever loved a woman
2nd VERSE To really love a woman, Let her hold you,
Till you know how she needs to be touched
You've got to breathe her, really taste her
Till you can feel her in your blood
And when you see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman
You've got to give her some faith,
Hold her tight, a little tenderness
You've got to treat her right She will be there for you taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman And when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms, You know you really love a woman............

Haizzz...
I'm still very angry and upset with him.
How could he blame me for something that is not my fault?
And some more I did make an extra effort for it.
No wonder everybody said that he does not acts like a 33 yrs old.
He don't even know how to be responsible to himself.. How could he have/start a family and be responsible to them?
Haizzz...
Now.. I will give him the peace that he wants without me membebel to him or msg2 him yg bkn2.
I think i feel more peaceful today without bothering to think of him and worrying of almost everythg abt him.. checking/calling here & there for him.. planning for him.. doing almost everythg for him.
Maybe he's not the type who appreciates what ppl had done for him but at least have the courtesy to be polite to others.
If things doesn't get better, i do not want to go to his brother's wedding.
Or maybe i'll juz go for a while.. I will see how it goes.
That's it for today... I do not want to think so much anymore.
I will juz let it be..........
Alwayz i felt like i wanted to give up but i have to read the blog below.

Ouh my god......... Really hard to say...
Wan must have really loves me a lot!
Gosh..... I must not forget that all my life no matter what happens.
Although i have to say that i regret knowing Hasri first.
The feelings is hard to let go.. Although i'm trying very very hard. Really.
I must learnt... Coz i'm absolutely happy with Wan (except for some thgs that can't be change) and he loves me a lots more than Hasri does. (I think)
Plus he's gonna be my future husband. :)
I muz remember all these in my heart.
Coz i love Ridzwan Bin Salim a lot & lots. I love him more than i've love anybody else in this world.
Pls remember this alwayz k. Pls don't make him upset again.
Pls do not mention abt breaking up again.
Pls do not brought up the past again.
Pls concentrate only on the wedding & the future.
He have only loves you in his life and he changes everythg for you and he tries hard to pleases you. That's more than enough.
*I must alwayz read this piece of blog whenever i'm upset with him.
Thank God for everything.

Haizz... Kdg2 kesian jgk lah tgk matair aku ehk?
Tak tau lah apa yg aku nak... It's not that i don't love him... I really do love him.
I love him more than i've loved anyone else. (including my family members)
Tapi mayb kdg2 hati sendiri yg tk tenang.. Dats funny ryte?
Could i live forever like this??
Or i could choose to forget everythg that had happened, pretend that it nvr happen & he's the first one for me & juz be happy together.
But, can't really forget coz dere's a living proof of his daughter with the ex wife.
Even worst she's so close to me.. marrying a relation of mine. What the heck?!
This muz be god's test to me ryte?
I muz say that when i'm wif him.. in real life, i won't think of these thgs.
Its juz dat when i'm somewhere else then i will think abt it.

When i told him that i dun wanna met his ex wife ever. I do really meant it.
No, of cos i'm not jealous of her.
Its a fact that he loves me more than her.
But i can't accept ppl who doesn't appreciates the little thgs in life.
She got a husband who's a virgin for god sake (although he may not be perfect husband).
N she got a nice house & family. What more could she wants?
Some more she could be so mean & give him to try unnecessary thgs in life.
And.. the one that i can't accept at all is that she consented in her husband doing such a wrong thgs. How can someone juz kept quiet abt it?
Some more she didn't asked for the divorce. It's like she's contented in living that way.
I meant like if she's a good and righteous person, even though u feel like u dun love/hate that person, u should at least give an advise to them. Nie tak..
Dunno what kind of person is this...?
Then, at last i have to clean up the mess that she created.
That is why I hope i won't meet her ever. N i hope she won't attend my wedding later.
Yeah.. I know i'm being a bitch... :( That's the bitch in me talking...

Sometimes, i feel that i create unnecessary thgs so that one day he will be fed up and he will eventually break up with me.
Better now than later ryte? But he juz won't budge..
Maybe it's true that he does loves me a lot??