I got this from the net... Its kinda funny...
N I think my vagina is telling me that I didn't bother to get to know my own vagina and also sometimes Wan doesn't treat me right...
So my vagina always clamp up.... Lol!

What is your vagina trying to tell you?

1) How can you want me to open with a man when u never even look at me or say my name out loud. Please get to know me before asking me to open up to others.. (LOL!)

2) I'm not physically ready for sex! I need more time/knowledge/trust/ lube/information/ precautions! (Yes, I have lots of knowledge now...)

3) I want to test your partner.. if 2night I don't open up as you wish, I want to see how he takes it, if he respects u or gets mad at u. Thank me! (LOL!)

4) I’m so confused and scared about sex, I mean, mom says it's bad before marriage, God says that too, my boyfriend says he’ll leave me if I don’t do it, my best friend says sex is beautiful, I read that my hymen will break… Please reassure me a bit! (What I used to think... LOL!)

5) Hello? mind? heart? are you sure you really want to have sex tonight?? cause I don't think so! Will you take me seriously for once? I don't want to have sex tonight!!"

6) I don't want to work under this mental pressure to perform! I'm having stage fright!! And you keep telling me bad things too!

7) Ouch, that hurt! If you keep having sex this way or let him have his way, I’m gonna get really hurt.. Since you’re not listening to me, then you leave me no choice but shutting down.

8) I dont like the partner you chose! Who is this guy anyway?? He’s no good for you.. Don’t get fooled. Don't force him in me! There’s a reason if I’m closing. Get the hint!

9) I am not ready to have a child, at all. No contraceptive is 100% safe. Don't get me pregnant..!

10) Mmhh...I think the ovaries are not feeling too good... There may be some cyst near here.. Since they can't get the message through to you, I’m ringing a bell to get your attention before it’s too late. You need to go see a doctor!

Historically, vaginas have been told to shut up ALL THE TIME, they have been subtly taught they shouldn’t be heard nor seen..

They should be used, not understood..
They should open and close at a male’s command, not at their own will.

It’s small wonder that women have suffered from vaginismus all over the world. Now, vaginismus gives you a chance to LISTEN to something ancient, profound and mythical.

If you feel she’s a complete stranger for you, you may want to check the Vulvar Anatomy section and get to know her.
Sometimes fixing vaginismus is not worth half the happiness and self-confidence that a long-lasting friendship with your vagina will give you.

So get in vagina’s shoes, it can make a world of difference to finally listen to her.

Dear Blog,

Its been so long that I have not written here... Today I felt like pouring out my heart...
Its been nearly one month plus that I'm married...
A beautiful wedding (With a bit of cacat cela because of his ex) and a beautiful bali honeymoon (With no happy ending)
What I dream of in my married life... had all been shattered.
Sadness and depression are endless now...
Its not that Wan and me always quarell or our personality clashes...
We always click so well with each other... Understands each other so well...
I could still remember the night, when he was all down and shattered coming home, and thats when he fell into my arms and we cried together...
It was so painful... I was hurting too... N I still have to be strong for both of us.
Its all the external problems.
I guess... Everybody has their own problems in life....
I can't really accept that these thgs are happening to me right after my marriage...
Fate, to me, is cruel and unfair.
But, every life challenges would make you more stronger.
A stronger and better person. And hikmah beneath it.
Sometimes, I feel like giving up... But if I believe that I am a strong person,
I would work hard to fight these problems.
First of all, I did think why me?
I work so hard to reach my dream of being married and becoming someone's wife...
N I really love my husband so much... N he loves me so much....
So, where is the problem?? Lots & lots of it... N what's the hikmah??

1) Vaginismus = Sex
Hikmah: To learn and appreciate making love, treasure your partner, make love in a romantic way after overcoming, treasure what you can't achieve before, the treatment cld benefit you during childbirth, gynae check ups...
2) Cancer scare. Really hope what the doctor is right.
Hikmah: To be more careful in future, protect your health better, live a healthy life, do more check ups...
3) Husband losing job.
Hikmah: For him not to take his job for granted, work hard in a new job, maybe he wld find a better job, Allah wld open up a better path for him....
4) Losing our future house.
Hikmah: Maybe he wants us to wait... For us to be stable and then the better house wld appear...
5) Lots of credit cards and loans
Hikmah: Teach us how to manage our finances better before getting a house...
6) Family problems (Adjusting to both families)
Hikmah: To gradually strengthen ties between both families...
7) Job stress=loads of work
Himah: Dunno yet.
8) Husband not strong and taking more thgs to harm himself.
Hikmah: For me to be more alert/to know the real truth. At least he confessed in thgs that he never told me before... So after this I wld continue to remind him...
9) Pressure in having children. With vaginismus, how to have children?
Hikmah: For us to be more prepared in having children. To be equipped to be a better parent.

N mind you, these problems are very hard to endure... sometimes you feel like you do not wanna live anymore... But, I wld quickly shake it off...
I really feels sorry for my husband everytime I look at him...
Sometimes he would say things that hurts my feelings... But I know that he doesn't really meant it...
But, I felt that he shld be more understanding and encourage me more... :(

All in all....
I am very sure that we could overcome all these obstacles and live on to tell our children and grandchildren the stories... Insyallah...
Amin.

6th of June 2010.
10 Days ago...
My wedding is finally over...
My beautiful black and pink wedding.
My most romantic wedding that I could ever hope for....
With my soulmate, Ridzwan Bin Salim...

Almost. Except for some things that are spoilt.
Well, you can't expect everything to be perfect right....
My marriage now is almost perfect.
My honeymoon is great. Bali is great.

I just love him too much. Very much.
I just need one more thing to be done.
Well, to make me feel like a real real wife.
Well, i'm gonna do it on my birthday.

21st of June 2010.
That's my 24th birthday wish.
Amin.

I have now realised that at this point, we really can't live without each other anymore coz our love is really that strong. We have vowed not to live apart and to be together till the rest of our lives. To have beautiful hse with beautiful kids and grandchildrens... Coz I can't imagine being with someone else rather than him.
That means Wan is Ina and Ina is Wan. Nothing except Allah cld separate us and I really hope that our wedding wld be the most happiest moment in our lives of uniting two hearts and that it wld went well.... Amin...

Hi Blog!!
20012010.
Today we went to ROMM to register.
At first boleh salah venue pulak lah!!
Am really happy today. Wan is also happy.
I cld see that he's romantic n loves me a lot.
After that we go and book the mph.
But at night, I received some bad news from Wan regards his dad marah kan dia... :(
No matter what, I wld always love him like no others.

Dear Blog,

Today I went and collect my passport.
Very fast & easy. Coz I had make my appointment.
Great!! Now I cld go overseas more easily.
After that, I went out with my beloved the whole day.
I'm really happy today. :)

Today is my very first treatment of bridal bliss package that I took with the wayan kempis... makes me so inspiration to slim down.. But its very hard!! I dun know how to diet....
God please help me!!
After that my face is so glowy... even the kakak thinks so.
N i finish of my foot reflex package today too...

Dear blog...
To make it short, I would summarize up two days into one...
To start it off, this is already a brand new year!!! Woohoo!!
And on the first day, I go out with Wan. TO watch Avatar!!
Such a nice movie.. so nice and romantic.. (the animation part lah..)
And it's 3D. I think its a tie with Sherlock Holmes.
But Wan, aku maseh marah with him abt yesterday.. So its not such an enjoyable day.
I guess he doesn't feel with his heart.. :(
I meant, he just felt that he dun wanna hold my hand the whole day.. Even when i'm not wearing tudung... And when he finally hold my hand, I cld feel the warmth, of the love.. But maybe for him,
its just a way for him to shelter from the cold of the movie theatre... :(
But I just know that whatever it is, I cld not bear to be angry with him for long...
And now today, there's a lucky streak in the new year.. :)
I finally got the box for my berkat.. :)
I guess... its juz meant to be for me.. :)
I'm really happy.. The new year is off to a great start!!
Can't wait for it to be delivered... I am feeling hyper at 3 am...
I just got a feeling that It would be a lucky year... My lucky year...
The year of my own wedding... Travelling.. My own house... Etc.
Thinking of it makes me happy again..
I guess... Its okay.. if he wants to make me sad everyday...
But I shld always think of happy thots to make me happy... :)

Hi Blog,

Today is the last day of 2009...
Sorry that I didn't blog much lately...
Been a very busy year.
I have to finalise my berkats.. Room decor yg susah sgt nk dpt...
After so many, at last settle on teacup and saucers..
And then skali tkda box pulak..And box is like extra 50 cents...
Abeh bila dah decide nak, abeh tkleh dpt pulak... confusion...
Sorry.. I've got no mood to write today.. I'm sick and alone on new years eve!!
So.. Happy New Year 2010!!
Its the year of my wedding too...5 more mths to go... :)
Hope that the new year wld bring more happiness, more gd health, more blessings, more wealth for me... :)

Hi Blog,

As expected, I felt sick today.. And took MC.
Mr Henry was not happy with me and make me a bit difficult.. :(
And then Cynthia took half day coz of her eyes...
I guess Mr Henry wld not be happy... I must boost up in Jan for my bonus... :)
Btw, next two days wld be a new year.. And its 2010!
Wheww.. time flew so fast... Guess for this year.. I hate to make new resolutions...
Coz my losing weight had been on the list for a few years already.. LOL!!
But I guess, I had to curb some of my bad habits such as being late for work and taking cabs.. Dats extremely bad work ethics man!!
And try to lose some weight for the wedding...
Of course, in 2010, I wanted to be a great wife too.. LOL!!
Hmmm.. The rest is as per normal I guess...

Although loneliness had always been a friend of mine...
I'm leaving my life in your hands...
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind...
Risking it all in a glance...
And how you got me blind is still a mystery...
I can't get you out of my head...
Don't care what is written in your history...
As long as you're here with me...

I don't care who you are...
Where you're from, what you did.. as long as you love me...

Every little thing that you have said and done...
Feels like its deep within me...
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run...
It seems like we're meant to be.....

Today I had my first experience attending a wedding chinese reception at Amara Hotel...
For Uncle Leong's son... Hmm... its very enriching and romantic...
But very expensive... Terkopak duit... First2 nk kasi less.. Abeh takut malu...
But overall, its quite nice... compare to mly wedding, the atmosphere is diff...
Dunno what to expect at my wedding next year...

Dear blog...
I'm getting busier and lazier to update now...
And guess what??
Its already 6 more mths to go... And I have not diet...
And i'm getting scared... I have booked most of the necessary thgs already...
Left with the small2 thgs such as berkats and cards...
Life is wan is really unpredictable and he's very lazy... sometimes cld make me mad...
I've started class.. and seems like I'm not cut to do accts...?
Feels like quitting.. padahal dah malas coz the wedding is keeping me busy...

Today I had a big scare... And Wan kat hospital...
I thought its somethg serious.. but turns out he's only depressed...
I've always known that he got this anxiety problem...
I just don't know how bad it is... Turns out that i'm right...
I really hate it when he's admitted to hospital.. coz I dun want him to think abt his ex wife being a nurse... Esp in NUH or TTSH... Hate it a lot...
Once I hate a person, I wld hate them forever...

Hari nie aku dapat bebual lama dgn mak wan...
Psl hantaran and wedding...
And... aku sedih knape even mak dia pon tk think so highly of him?
And especially in his ex wife case... Wan tk portray kan yg he's in the right...
So happy lah pompuan tu...
aku kesian jgklah dgn nasib tunang aku... Aku just hope that aft this, he wld just follow what I do, and insyallah.. his life wld be better... Our lives wld be better...
Amin...

I'm so stressed right now...
Mana nk fikir psl rumah, psl diri sendiri, psl wedding...
Psl duit... n now... he max out his credit card again!!!!
Mintak maaf but the damage is done.. Now i have to sort out his pay too...

Dear blog...
Life is full of mystery u know...
And today.. I had a shock of my life...
U know who i met today? Its HANIS.
Yeah.. my god daughter... and she's a big girl now...
It all started this morning.. when this sarifie guy came...
I saw him brought someone... But I did not looked up..
Coz I actually do not want to look at him... Coz of the past..
what he did... I heard sharon asked him "u bring ur daughter uh?"
First time nampak dia bwk.. n then after that he asked her to salam aku...
Bila aku angkat muka.. I had a shocked... Its like a dream...
How could she be in front of me??? N this is her dad???
Aku tergamam.. n aku try to ask her nama dia lage.. N its the same name...
N aku then ckp nie ur daughter? Then he said YES!!! Oh my god...
After that dia pon balik.. N then aku was in daze.. aku blom puas tgk hanis n nk tanya khabar dia.. So in split decision n kejar dia... Nasib dpt jumpa dia kat bwh...
N then bebual2 sikit.. I was so happy.. But fie... dia spoilt aku nya happiness...
So stuck up like he thought I wanted to take his daughter away..
N then knape dulu tk jaga btol2??? N i know his daughter way before I know him...
N after I broke up... when i search for hanis.. And all the while bpk dia is just beside me.... What a twisted thg kan??
Isshhh.. geram sey aku... geram... Tapi tkpe... janji dpt jumpa dia jap... N then balik pulak terjumpa kwn ite lama.. hopefully lah no more suprises lage..

Dear blog...
Today I took leave for my fiancee's birthday...
Aku mmg maseh marah towards him... Tapi biasalah...
Marah2 sayang... N skali aku lupa yg pagi aku ada counselling service...
Hehe.. Tk sangka betol yg aku pegi counselling...
The counsellor is nice and handsome... Faham akan masalah aku..
N wan pulak tk percaya.. Masa baru2 jumpa of course lah maseh ada tension but the whole day was very fun.. And we love each other so much...
There is no turning back now... Gd news yg the HDB had approved our appeal and we got our HLE today... Yahoo..!!!
Now hopefully we got our flat pulak!!! Amin.... Amin....
Please... please... we really really need a flat... Amin...

My fiancee is very cruel... He doesn't care about me anymore.
I don't even know if he really loves me or not...
He makes me feel sad & cry everyday..
He does not appreciate all the thgs that I had done for him.
And he does not want to reply to my messages. And he did not wanna call me.
He is so rude that he did not even say thk you for the birthday gift that I picked.
He is like a completely diff person than the one that I love.
Wats the point in living anyway? I might as well just die tomorrow.

I am really sad & dissapointed today... Coz of him.
I was actually kind of good mood today and I look forward to see him later and to pass him the present.. But everything went downhill when he didn't call me.
And I had to find him instead to hear a bad news!!! Called his office and his home.

Okay fine... I know that he's probably sick n on mc... But why can't he just call me?
Why must wait for me to call him?
He could just called me after he called his workplace or something... N I dun even know whether he's really sick or not... He seems fine yesterday...
Dunno he's lying thru his teeth or not.. even just to pass the thg also he did not want.
N he got the cheek to ask me to go there to his house!! Is it delivery service or wat? Slalu aje asyik nk kena dtg umah dia!! Makes me so mad.. Feels like throwing away his present!! N I had to leave it in the office..
All my efforts are wasted.. N i really felt like taking a cab home n just go to sleep!! Instead i spend my last few penny at Causeway Point!!! Dat calms me down a little.