Today is saturday...
And the 2nd day of holiday...
And I was thinking of going out with him...
And mmg hari tu dia dah janji aku... Bila dlm taxi...
So.. dhlah smlm dia tk kol or msg... so aku mmg mendak kat dlm rumah...
And then hari nie.. aku mmg tk kacau dia pagi coz aku tau dia balik kerja mlm and he needs to sleep... Aku ingat aku nk pegi far east dulu je anuh kaki aku...
Then aft that bila dia dh bgn n siap, he cld just meet me at far east...
But at least ard 2.20 pm dia dh bgn... quite early.. so aku ckp dgn dia juz siap jelah...
then meet aku kat far east... Then aku kol2 tk angkat... aku mcm dh suspect sumthg...
But then betol lah sangkaan aku.. rupanya dia tido smp kul 4+!!
What the hell... Aku adalah dh patah balik umah tadi amek cincin to wear for him...
Then my long holidays this weekend will be wasted je tk keluar... Haizz.. Dissapointed lah!!!
Dats why aku dh ternangis tadi dlm train... Buat malu je...

Today.. wan's mother bekalkan makanan utk balas balik tepen yg kita kasi dia masa hari tunang... Mak dia kasi lopes and epok2...
Then mak dia pon belikan aku present...
Kain ela utk jahit jadi baju... And its like so nice and so pretty...
I'm so touched!!
I've nvr wore or bought anythg so beautiful before...
Not in my 22 years and 10 months of living in this world..
Its like i'm so touched... Thk you so much mum-in-law...
Then aku kol mak dia to say thk you...
And then mak dia ckp she bought a pink kain for Wan jgk...
So that we both cld be a matching couple... Time hari raya...
Wow... his mum is so considerate...
But his mum told me he dun wanna wear.. And I was quite upset by it...
Coz even though he doesn't like pink... but his mum dah beli kan...
But at last when i msg him, dia ckp dia will wear it...
Since dah beli.. Hehe...
Tk sabar to see us wearing it... Its like the perfect couple!!

Alhamdulillah... I'm so happy...
Everything went on so smoothly...
Now... I'm officially Ridzwan's fiancee...
That's an honourable title!!

I'm so glad that we have make it to this stage...
Its very great feeling...
Now is the new beginning for us...
And we have a path to create...
We must thread & plan it carefully...
Next year I will be 24 and he will be 35.

I can't believe that Wan's dad is so nice...
He still wants to sponsor a bit of money for our wedding.
It will ease the burden of our wedding a lot...
He even wants to give Wan the downpayment for his car.
Even though he's not so nice to Wan dulu...
But it proves that he still have a heart and loves his son...
I'm glad that he will be my father in law.
Wan's mum is also nice to me.

Thk God for everythg that he had given me.
I hope that I could be a gd servant to you.
A good wife, a good mother, a gd daughter in law, a gd grand daughter, a gd sister/in-law, a gd employee... everything...

The day has finally arrived...
I'm so excited to be his fiancee... But God... Pls clear up my face...
Amin...
I will do my very best best. Jiayou!

Hi Blog...
I'm happy... In two days.. I will be tunangan org already...
And... In a year time... Hopefully, I will be Ridzwan's wife...
And aft that... I think mmg dh ternyata n tertulis yg jodoh aku bkn dia.... Norhasri....
I can't believe that I'm so naive as if to fall for him... He's heartless enough to leave me alone in this world... Full of sadness... That was the time...
I hope I cld forget every piece of memory that I had with him. N let it remains that way.
There is nothing to lose... because Ridzwan loves me a million times more n he is a million times better than him...
_______________________________________________

Di dalam kesunyian... Ku rasa gelombang nya...
Menyintaimu... Satu kewajipaan... Tapi tak terluah dgn perkataan...

Tika fajar menyinsing... Ku sentuh sinar kasih...
Dari matamu, dekat & terasing... Aku menanti singkapan tabir cinta...
Aku menanti saat menjadi nyata...

Haizzz...
Nahar, Nahar...
Maseh tk berubah dari dulu smp skrg...
Proves that at that pt of time you only like me b'coz of my body...
Full of perverted talk on msn...
U and Alfie who likes me the most ryte...
Haha... what an idiot... Lucky that I did not fall for you... :)

Dear blog...
I will tell you the truth...
I've nvr felt so alone in my life.
Seriously.. My friends all have their own issues with their life and they r not particularly overjoyed with the news... Some take it like.. "Okay, yeah... U're getting married... Dats great.."
Some will call me desperate to get married... that married is not such a nice thing...
So... I guess I wld just like to keep it to myself...
I would do my own thing... Search for my own things...
My family also have their own issues... N my nenek keep on harping abt nk kahwin...
Must chg this and that.. Y can't she juz let it be? Let ppl juz do thgs their own way...
I will ensure that Wan n Me will be very happy together... Insyallah...
We both love each other too much already...

Luckily, my bf is very sweet... I cld feel that he did loves me much much more semenjak kita dh nk dekat2 tunang nie... Sometimes, he wld like to smile to himself.. n then be xtra happy...
Everytime nk jumpa aku n berkepit.. I think juz with my presence, he cld be very happy...
Then I won't mind lah... He's suffered for too long i guess... N I've suffered for too long too...
So we both really treasure each other a lot...

"No MatTeR hOw Much Ur HeArT iS GrIevIng.. iF u KeeP oN bEliEViNg.. tHe dReAm ThaT u WiShed FoR WiLL cOmE tRuE!! ANd Its TRuE.. :)"

Smlm... My bf was really really sweet to me...
I noticed that this couple of days... Dia slalu je nk melekat dgn aku...
Haha... coz dia love aku...
Then aku tgk kalau nk balik... mesti je dia mcm gelisah...
Rupa-rupanya... dia ckp yg dia slalu susah nk berpisah dgn aku bila nk balik...
Hehehe... So swit kan matair aku...
Then aft dat bila dia dh smp umah, dia kol aku...
N dia ckp yg actually dia mcm tk percaya yg dia nk kahwin dgn aku...
N its such a nice feeling that its indescribable... Wow... Hehe...
Actually aku pon sama... feels that way too...
N then aku cerita kan all those thgs... N i can't believe that he cried too...
I really love him to bits lah...
N I hope that this feeling would last forever...

Hi ya all...
Yesterday.. On Saturday, 21st of March,
I went to buy a ring with my future mother-in-law...
So happy.. Imagine, its my first ring... And its a tunang ring...
So, to cut it short... We met at Lot 1 and then fetch my bf...
Then we go to Ming Seng Jewellery... Which is so nice...
Since I actually wanted white gold.. N when I reach there, I saw that the gold is
actually not really gold... So I change my mind...
Then, when his mum pointed out a ring, I saw that its actually quite nice...
And I look and look at others too...
And then, I saw one which is very nice... Like i'm attracted to it...
So, I ask to take a look n his mum also said it's very nice...
But.. the price is like S$500+ and I pity my bf...
So.. I tried both rings, n that one really fits my finger!!
So its fated to be with me... And when I saw others, I also that I like that one still...
And then his mum wants to buy for me another ring for everyday wear...
N I dunno what to buy coz I was embarassed n touched... actually...
N Angah pulak dtg n it was an awkward moment pulak...
Aku takut mak dia ingat aku sengaja pulak buat gitu coz aku tk trust mak dia...
So... aft that we went to eat n then we go back...
N me and him watch movie.. which is very boring...

I dunno what I'm feeling now...
Instead of being happy for me...
Somebody asks me juz now...
"WHY AM I SO DESPERATE TO GET MARRIED?"
Why do I really wanted to get married SO early? Is 24 too early?
Is there such a question exists in my dictionary?
And what I dun understand is... it comes from a married person...
And she is forced to be married... And don't really wanna be married...
Nowadays.. Couples are likely to be forced to be married or terpaksa married...
And I'm not in both categories...

Am I really too clueless?
She keeps on saying abt negative thgs abt marriage (mayb its what she's experiencing now)... Literally like wanted me to chg my mind?
I've done lots of thinking and I've read lots of books...
Me and him had alwayz talk thgs out together...
I've heard n seen lots of experiences...
So what am i lacking? How is it that i'm not ready for marriage?

What is MARRIAGE?
Its alwayz been something that I dream of...
Like practically everthg that I could wish for...
You wld really really really want for a guy to love & protect you...
For the rest of your life...
Start a happy family of your own... Juz continue to live life the way that you want...
Helping others... Seek fulfillment in life...

I dunno hw I got it.. But maybe its from the unhappiness that I experience during my late childhood n almost all my teens yrs and having a happy & beautiful dream is somethg that I really look forward too... (I'm crying as I write this)
Its somethg that I really want... And I hope that I could marry as early as 21...
So that the 21 yrs that I've wasted living in a life that I do not seek...
Will be compensated with the life aft the marriage... Which will be a happy one...
Now I'm already 3 yrs late... But I nvr complain...
I'm still thankful that God met me with somebody that I love and comfortable with not too late...
And the most important is to find your dream guy that you wanna get married with...
And Ridzwan Bin Salim.. He... Is the dream guy... that exists in my life.....
And if my dream guy had already appeared in front of me, is it so wrong for me to want to get married??

I'm so upset right now... I literally cannot write properly with tears in my eyes...
Ppl are making my life so difficult... And all I ever wanted is to get married to someone that I love... Its that such a hard thg to do?
Its better than living in a life of sin... Such as couples co-habiting together...

Ppl doesn't really know me.. What am i feeling? Only I, know myself well...
I really don't get it why ppl doesn't believe in me... keep on hoping to see me fail, wanting me to make a mistake, to regret my decision... But I WONT regret what I've chosen...
I will ALWAYS choose to be married over anythg else... Over career, over a modelling contract, over a celebrity status, over anythg... Provided its with the right guy...
If I'm convinced that he is the one for me, then why shld ppl worry?

There are bounds to be problems aft marriage.. Every marriage will go thru it... But I will do anythg for my marriage to be almost perfect...
I will endure practically everythg that will come in my way...
Even if one fine day, I have to face the most dreaded thg, his ex wife, I will admit to reality... that is my fate... N i won't run away from it... If his mum dun really like me, I will try to make her like me... If his relatives talk bad abt me, I cld still choose to ignore them....

If we had no money to survive, I will find a way to make money, try to control, eat rice n egg everyday... Dats fine with me...
Even if I do not know anythg, lacking in somethg, I willl try to improve myself, do almost everythg that I can do, will try my very best... To be an almost perfect wife.
Even if ppl will always talk.. I will try to close both ears.. pretend not to listen... Dun mind other people's business...

As long as I could wake up, every single day with Ridzwan Bin Salim, beside me....

*Time at 1230 am on 20th of March 2009.

I really really hate it when he make that kind of tone early in the morning.
Really spoil my mood for the day. I sms him so nicely.. And even if he's so slow to get the msg, then juz drop it till later... Nie tak, nk agitated early in the morning....
Ckp bkn2... mcm aku tk tau, dia tu cepat agitated padahal benda actually tkda pape...

N all b'coz of dat stupid ring.. N no need to bring his mum in the subject lah..
Aku pon tk tau lah mcm mana kalau both side mcm lain2 pendapat. Geram!!!
Dis is all wan's fault. Dia tk tau nk handle situation n nvr understands dats y keadaan jadi mcm gini.
Dia as the person who's getting married, hw cld he be so so blur??
At least he must initially got an idea on what to expect kan??
Stupid!! Geram sey!! Spoil the mood for everythg!!!

I'm so happy nowadays...
There's nothing more that I could wish for other than this...
It felt so blissful... Another a yr more to go before I cld become his wife...
To start a brand new life together... Is there anythg more that is missing??
I've found my other half.. And he loves me very much... It feels so blessed...
Thk you Allah...
Yippee!!

Now that my direction of life is already back on it's track..
I must do my very best to create a path that will help me to succeed in this life...
Please let me be a successful and a person that is admire by all...
Amin...

Today... is one of the happiest day in my life...

Wan... he suddenly so interested on asking me questions abt wedding...
Hmm... weird kan.. Alih2 tanya psl mak andam...

So i guess dat his mum had agreed!

Kalau tk, tkkan his mum nk rekemen kan jiran dia...

N then siap bwk catalogue lage.. I've nvr felt the happiest...
Tak sangka like so fast... Now must work hard n plan everythg smoothly...

At last.. my dream has come true!!! Amin...
Now I cld sleep peacefully at night...

Depressed..
Hari2 bgn tido pikir benda sama n nak tido pikir benda sama...
Then hari2 depressed sendiri...
Fikir mcm mana nk break, maybe shld find other guys je...

Knape boleh jadi mcm gini??
I thot nk kahwin is supposed to be a happy thg...
Knape boleh jadi mcm gini?
Is it my fault or his?

Quoted from the book: What SMART COUPLES know.

Relationship success is dependent both on what you do as well as on who you are.
Think about this:

1) Would your relationship run more smoothly if you sharpened your ability to read and understand your partner's feelings?

2) Would you feel better if you could show your partner that you're tuned in to him/her?

3) If you two had more positive than negative interactions, and were more opmtimistic abt the r'ship, would thgs improve?

4) Would it improve thgs for the two of you if you read your partner's "signal" more accurately?

5) Would thgs be better if you could both clearly identify and then appropriately express your own emotions?

6) Would things change for the better if the two of you showed more emphathy and compassion for each other?

7) Would it feel better if you admired and valued each other more?

Well, of course everyone want these thgs in their r'ship. Be assured that you can have thgs this way by using your EQ.

Nine Components of EQ:

1) Being Self Aware and having self knowledge.

2) Knowing, understanding, regulating and managing your emotions and expressing them appropriately.

3) Emphathizing and being attuned to others, esp your partner and dealing with them effectively.

4) Maintaining hope, positive thinking and an attitude of optimism.

5) Keeping distress from swamping your ability to think - Being able to override negative emotions.

6) Maintaning enthusiasm and persistence in the face of frustration or setbacks.

7) Maintaning a sense of self efficacy.

8) Delaying gratification and controlling or resisting your impulses.

9) Being Self Motivated.

Examples of Maturity:

1) Being patient, civil and kind.

2) Facing unpleasantness without bitterness

3) Being dependable

4) Maintaning personal integrity

5) Accepting responsibility for the outcome of your decisions

6) Displaying humility and the ability to say "I'm Sorry" or "I was Wrong"

7) Handling frustration and settling differences in non-destructive ways

8) Taking ownership or accountability of your actions.

Who Am I? The Beginning of the Journey

Nature Vs Nurture

Personalities are determined 50% by early life experiences and 50% by genetic heritage/physiology.

Early life effects on personality:

1) Alcoholism of one or both parents

2) Physical, emotional or sexual abuse

3) Emotional or physical neglect

4) Death of a parent/parents

5) Emotional or mental illness of one or both parents

6) Role reversals and "parentification" of a child

7) Overindulgence

8) Unclear limits or boundaries

9) Rigid, controlling or excessively strict atmosphere

10) Lack of love and affection

If you had a secure, stable, loving parents in a safe, appropriate environment, this is likely to have a positive effect on your personality formation.

Early attachment between yourself and early childhood influences your emotional expectations and major impact on your marriage and other adult relationships.

Anxious-ambivalent, Avoidant and Secure categories.

Self-Disclosure:

Sharing yourself with your partner.
Do you have trouble describing your behavior or personality accurately and naming your feelings?

Reasons for these (Check it if its true):

1) You may simply be unable to confide in your partner because you lack the language and awareness to describe yourself and your inner experiences.

2) You may be afraid to disclose because you have had painful experiences in sharing with others who had betray your trust.

3) You may feel its none of your partner's business.

4) You may have been brought up not to expose your dirty laundry to public.

5) You may experience a general discomfort with vulnerability.

Positive Vs Negative thinking:

Positive thinkers make a better marital partner and positive thinking has a major effect on your emotional and physical health and the overal outcome of your life.

Friendship and Companionship

* Confiding and self disclosing with a sense of trust

* A willingness to be vulnerable

* Sharing of affections

* Spending time together and being companions

* Showing emotional support

* Being loyal and defending your partner in his/her absence

* Being tolerant and accepting of each other's friends

* Engaging in regular CONVERSATIONS

* Accepting each other's uniqueness

* Communicating appreciation and expressing kindness and being courteous to each other

* Being honest but with careful criticism

LOVE: Taking Pleasure in Another's Happiness

Self-Esteem: CAN I LOVE YOU IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME?

Self love =Great Self esteem

Signs of Insecurity:

1) Defensiveness
2) Jealousy
3) Possessiveness
4) Unwillingness to be accountable
5) Attitude of blaming
6) Competitiveness
7) Passiveness
8) Need for control
9) Desire to win
10) Erratic emotionality

Supporting your partner's autonomy:

* Respecting your partner's point of view
* Encouraging choice and initiative
* Communicating in a non controlling ways
* Offering positive feedback
* Allowing space or time alone for his/her personal pursuits

Individuals with good self esteem:

- Feel confident in most situations
- Comfortable in being alone
- Are not overly dependent upon others
- Are hopeful and optimistic
- Are capable experiencing intimacy
- Know and their personal power
- Experience joy in life
- Enjoy the successes of others
- Are able to forgive
- Are not critical and judgemental of others
- Can identify and correct their mistakes
- Can relate to their "inner selves"
- Avoid ppl pleasing and caretaking
- Are compassionate but avoid pitying

How parents influential adult influence you:

1) The feelings of others are very important, or feelings of others does not matter.

2) It can be rewarding to be close to people or dangerous to be close to people.

3) Everyone feelings are important, even yours or my feelings matter more than yours.

4) Life can be a challenge but we can handle it or life is too difficult.

5) Listen to your heart and emotions as well as thoughts or use your head not your heart.

ETC

Characteristics of person addicted to alcohol or drugs:

1) Inappropriate acting out
2) Impulsivity
3) Intolerance and Impatience
4) Lack of motivation or ambition
5) Giving up easily
6) Blaming others
7) Hopelessness
8) Excessive anger
9) Unpredictability
10) Insensitivity or obliviousness to feeling of others

Common examples of things of high EQ you could practise with your partner:

- Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?
- Can you help me understand why you did it that way?
- What are/were you intending?
- Can you please clarify what you mean?

Learn to listen - Most important ingredient in emphathy and attunement.

Listening with the ears and soul:

- Are you able to focus your full attention on the other person?
- Can you listen to critiscisms of yourself?
- Can you listen for feelings?
- Do you find listening to feelings uncomfortable?
- Are you able to stay genuinely focused and attentive and not just pretend to listen?
- Do you acknowledge what your partner is saying even if you disagree with it?
ETC

Being heard means being taken seriously.
It satisfies our needs... to feel connected to others...
The listener helps to confirm our common humanity...
The need to be known... understood and accepted by someone who really listens is meat and drink to the human heart...

Today is a bad bad monday... Monday blues today...

First: I am still mad at Wan. This is worst.

Second: I am late today and even later coz I can't deposit my money in all the deposit machines!! I am puzzled...

Third: Joanna tried and she can't transfer thru internet banking too.

Fourth: I dun feel hungry today. Luckily its not too bz at work.

Fifth: My money seems missing.. but its juz me who spends too much in such a little time.

Sixth: M1 barred my outgoing calls and smses just b'coz of a few outstandings!! Geram.

Seventh: Wan alwayz nk act as if nothing had happened!! Geram!!

Eight: Found out that POSB had terminate my acct juz b'coz i dun have minimum balance for 3 consecutive months. And they only manage to deduct one dollar!!!

Nineth: My giros are all affected!! And I dun wanna pay extra!!!

Tenth: I look ugly today with one eye swollen, jerawat at nose yg tk kecik2 and tudung tk betol!!

But... one single lining is that.. my BONUS is nearer and nearer... hehe...
Amin...

Is he really the one for me?
I'm so confuse right now... and I dun wanna make the wrong choice...
Its already march...

Today was a really really really sad day for me.
And Wan proves that he might not be worth it for me anymore.
Why wld he do that anyway? Playing the mp3 like he doesn't care, tknak layan aku bebual while i'm sadden with the news.
Did he loves doing that? Did he thinks that by doing that I wld love him more?
Abeh knape if he's the one who's angry, he shld drag it long while i'm angry for a short period of time only?
Why does he thinks that his mum likes me and consent to this marriage when
everybody can see that she's not.
Why? Why must this thg be happening to me??
Why does he likes to make me sad? I cried like crazy sia, the worst of all since i've known him, my eyes are swollen, i have a splitting headache...
And he doesnt makes life easier for me, he doesnt share my burden, he juz let it be...
I shld have known it... coz he simply doesnt care abt others.
As long as it does nt affects him, its fine with him... doesnt matter if i'm suffering inside.
Now what am i supposed to do?
Everythg is not going as what i think it shld be... sad... :(

One often wonders what is life all abt.

For me... its all abt happiness.. and love.

These are the two most important thgs in life.

Humans does nt live long... and so long as we are feeling happy and contented far more than sad or hatred or any unpure thots and feelings, at least half of our life, it's gd enough.. so that we could die in peace.

Why shld we think much abt all our probs every single day?

We are only making ourself more unhappy.

Juz let nature take it course.

When you do not have a choice and are force with an unhappy childhood, or are fated to be born into nt so happy/gd families... you shld not let failure brings u down.

And become what you are already born into.. and then let another child be born into the same kind of thg that you went thru.. and it will go all thru generations.


U muz try as u might, to seek the happiness that you really deserve.

Build a new life that you deserve. You might fail once or twice, but do not give up.

Do not care what other ppl think, as long as u, urself believe in what u do.

Live life like you wanted it to be... close one eye to thgs that you do not wish to see or hear.

I believe that with perserverence, there will be a reward.

And I hope that I too cld perservere and be rewarded.

Please have some faith in us and let us seek our own happiness...

I hope everybody will stop it.
Amin.