Its hard for me to write down my feeling now...
Coz i've got so much to say...
I'm thinking of where does all these problems arises?

The answer:
N it stems from him and his selfishness, nt to ask his parents to meet my family.

Literally, to be honest, I've been waiting since late last year. N he kept on delaying it n act like nothing had happened. Everythg that he wishes for must go on. But my wish, he doesn't care.
N then he will start to say thgs/lines that wld hurt me... Like "you lah yg nk cepat sgt..", "u tk faham my parent.." n so on... N i wld hav to keep quiet n keep everythg to myself although it pains me.

I really2 am dissapointed with that n everytime i kept on getting upset n thinking y do i get a guy like him? Dats my only hope.
Knape dia tk understand? N then just b'coz of this one prob it will lead to others and unhappiness between us. But the unspoken prob will always be this.

The thg is just simple, if he doesnt wanna remarry and his parents dun wanna accept another daughter in law, then no need to bother finding a new one. Putting all responsibilities on her.
Giving hopes and dashing it. I really am hurt by him.

That day he and me had a heart to heart talk...
Abt religion and performing our duty as a muslim...
And we both agreed that we do not perform our duty well b'coz of we r not satisfy with our lives now and keep on committing sins... So jiwa kita tk tenang...

Well, he did agree that marriage cld solve the prob...
But y did he acts like dis alwayz?
I dun gain anythg much frm the marriage...
Juz the freedom to do my thgs at my own pace...

Aku hope dia sedar yg he's wrong... his method his wrong...
I dun blame his mum, but his attitude make it worst for his mum to believe him.

Dear Blog,

First of all.. I wanted to say that I'm really happy today... I get to mit my frenz and radea...
Its enough for me... Coz I know that there r ppl out there besides him who cld make me happy.
Its already too much for me to handle.

I've also talked to Dewi and learnt that thgs cannot go on this way...
She said that she if were me, she wld have leave the guy a long time ago...
Why am I not suprised? Since a lot of ppl have already said that obviously...

N I'm really sad that what I heard, rang true to my ears.
He's really nt someone who deserves to be loved.
He cld only hurt and make empty promises...

Mayb if I let it go now... It won't be too late...
I know what his thinkings are... Everythg is fine as long as everythg is fine.

Because he everythg is fine as long as his life goes smoothly.
But he cannot think frm his point of view only.
He cannot think based on his feelings only.
Because as a couple, you are supposed to be equal.

N... It's alwayz him who's making the mistake.
He wld just nvr learn.

Why do I feel that it's all empty promises?
Why do I feel that he's not trying hard enough?
Why do I feel like hes not doing enough?

Why do I feel like he's faking it every single moment?
Why do I feel like he's lying through his teeth?
Why do I feel like he's such a failure?

Why do I feel this way?
Why am i thinking this way?
Why do I feel like he's not good enough?

Why does he question that he have to save more?
Why does he thinks that it's wrong?
Why is he being so calculative?

Why does he always feel that he's right?
Why does he always have to break my heart?

Hi Blog,
As you know... the reason why i'm here so late is because I'm upset today.
I'm very upset with him and his attitude.
He nvr cares abt my feelings...........

The prob is that....
I felt embarassed to admit it in front of everyone....
But my dream had always been to become somebody's wife...
I felt that it's such a great thing to be a wife. To have somebody beside you.
And maybe.. A mother too someday...
Dat will be my greatest achievement.

N i guess that he doesn't share my sentiments.
This is really a sad, sad world..
Ppl doesn't value r'ship as much.

Do they think that a partner is just a partner for plasure and sex?
Can't they think beyond that?
The emotional values that the r'ship holds?

I'm really sad do you know that.. He always take things so lightly coz he was a husband once and he didn't enjoy it.. Not with the right soulmate of course...
It really pains me. And his mum does not make thgs easier for me....
I guess he really love his life now.. So he didn't mind to take it easy.
But I have so many thgs to do, to achieved... N marriage will be a stepping stone.
But no.. He didn't understand that. He only cares abt himself.

I guess when you are couple, you have to learn not to be selfish and think of only yourself. N you must compromise and the greatest thg is for you to see your partner happy. But he doesn't see it that way..

Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. Maybe I'm delusional.
But........................

I still hope that there's somebody out there who understands my plight.

IF really there is somebody better for me out there, pls let him find me. Amin..

Why do I feel like I hate Ridzwan today?
Now everything will be like the old time.

I knw it's an entirely his fault but I can't help feel its entirely his fault.

I'm so happy to get that extra $300 from my boss.
It relieved me a lot... So I am grateful. But I still dislike the ppl.
Why do I have to work with people when I could work alone?
I hope I will be successful...

This year.. I will be 23... Seems like old...
N from what I've learnt from the recent events that's happening...
I just think that money makes the world goes around.
Ppl befriend others with money and status.
Even for such a small company like Showtec.
Mr Henry is excluded because he is the boss...

Without money, ppl will not do favours for others.
Since I'm just nothing in their eyes... like no value (money), it doesn't matter if i'm hurt, i'm tired, i'm angry, i'm sad.. So if I make it big someday, I hope these ppl are still alive to see me succeed.
Amin...

Disini, sedikit penerangan mengenai perkataan 'nusyuz' dari hukum ugama:

Nusyuz ialah isteri yang derhaka atau ingkar kepada suami tanpa alasan yang munasabah mengikut hukum syarak.

Sebab-sebab terjadinya nusyuz ialah:
· Isteri keluar dari rumah tanpa pengetahuan atau tanpa izin daripada suaminya. · Isteri menolak ajakan suami ke tempat tidur.
· Isteri bersikap kasar terhadap suaminya.
· Isteri tidak mengikut perintah suami yang tidak bertentangan dengan ajaran Islam. · Apabila disuruh menutup aurat dia enggan berbuat demikian.
· Enggan tinggal serumah dengan suami.
· Keluar rumah tanpa keizinan suami.
· Enggan menunaikan kewajipan sebagai seorang Islam, seperti mendirikan solat dan sebagainya.
· Menjauhkan diri daripada suami.
· Enggan memenuhi kemahuan suami kecuali yang ditegah dan tidak mencurahkan sepenuh kasih sayang kepada suami.
· Tidak memelihara kehormatan.
· Tidak menjaga amanah suami.
· Tidak merahsiakan perhubungan suami isteri.

Akibat daripada perbuatan nusyuz ialah:
· Isteri hilang haknya sebagai isteri.
· Suami tidak lagi bertanggungjawab memberi nafkah kepadanya.
· Isteri tidak berhak mendapat layanan dan keadilan daripada suaminya.
· Isteri tidak boleh membuat tuntutan daripada suaminya.

Enough reason for me not to feel guilty if I did nt talk/make conversation to her later part in life.
She's definitely not a role model and someone to look up to. Haha...
Too bad, she got a mum like her.

Yoohoo...
Today is my last day of sch!!!
Hopefully i will get As for my exams...
Amin...

My life is okay i guess... But it's still mundane...
I dunno when will I get my big break to achieve sumthg in this life...?
I just need a little boost... Sumthg to make me proud of myself...

Work-wise... it's still okay... But no chance to really prove myself in this Showtec.
Although life here is not so bad... but I feel like I just need sumthg more...
Esp since I'm nt even married yet.

But i think I've decided what I wanna do... If lets say he kept quiet and he nvr tell his family to come meet mine this March 2009, I will save my bonus and continue to take my advanced diploma... I can't just wait for him all my life.

So March will be my breaking point.. I will give him latest till April. He nvr said anythg then might I well I go ahead with it.
He juz dun get it when I ask him.. I can't be so straightforward kan.. I'm still a gerl.
He needs to give me a direction and I will know hw to plan my life.
He just cannot leave me hanging while he enjoyed his life.

And some more, he's the one yg tk tau hw to plan his life properly.. N pls dun complain when u're nearing forty and baru nk ada a child with me.
Everythg is not my fault.

God, pls show me the light... Amin...

I have sort out the probs with him on new year's eve...

And it continues that he totally depends on me.
And he don't know hw to take care of himself.
He just simply cannot live alone.

SO what can i do? I had to forgive him again no matter what happens.
It's nt really his fault lah... I dunno whose fault is it...
I just hope that he will learn more in 2009.
I will take care of him more and at the same time, i will make sure that he learn.

I just hope that he is normal and we could live a normal live together. Amin...

My New Year 2009 Resolutions:

1) To be more organize in my everyday life.
2) Be more punctual and early riser.
3) To lead live more healthily and look young alwayz.
4) To be more in love with my boyfriend and to treasure each other.
5) To have a more fulfilling great career.
6) To continue and upgrade myself.
7) To be a more respectful person.
8) To be someone's fiancee in March 2009.... hehe.

Since so much had happened this year... my ups and downs with him...
This is the final straw. You wld nvr change. I just knew it.
You really broke my heart. Coz everythg is nt going as planned.
Now, i wld let everythg go your way.

Tomorrow wld be the final day we met for 2008 and also for a long long time.
I won't stay here and sit ard and do nothing.. Just waiting for him....
I kept evrythg coz I thought since its nt long to our marriage, i will juz be good for nw and get married and be a good wife.

I've decided that since he's gonna be this way... For what do i stick to this mundane life while he do as he pleases?
I won't meet him for most of 2009, we save pelan2 and i cld just concentrate on my damn life and do the thgs that I want..
I hope that I can achieve what I want in this life... Amin...

My mood is dampened today.
Coz she's back to work today instead of 1 week of leave.. Why can't i at least have some peace for a wk?
I hate this world... its so unfair... haizzz...

Now she's making a big fuss abt boss msging her...

Sometimes i think Sharon is too evil.. she even wants to email everybody when the china gerl made a mistake and I can't believe that Joanna still wanna supports her.

I was so mad today... he actually had taken out lots of money from our joint acct...
He told me that he won't do it again...
Why did he do it? N he told me that budget lari? What kind of budget??

Apparently today we are nt okay because of the thgs he said to me and aft that the thgs that i said to him...
It was really dissapointing actually...
Mayb I did expect to much from him... Like what he used to be and what he is now, is million times better... But r still nt gd enough for me...
Am i too cruel to him? I knw that he was dissapointed....
He said that his dreams was shattered... i'm sorry abt it...
I didn't meant to say those hurtful thgs...
I guess he's a weak guy afterall... even before I really left him, he had already do trouble for himself.

When you feel your hearts guarded,
And you see the breaks starting,
When the clouds are far departed,
U'll be right here with me,
[Darkchild & Brandy]B rock...Darkchild..
We back..U'll be right here with me[Bridge]Y
ou'll be right here with meoh, oh [x16]You'll be right here with me[Verse 1]

When your life is going to fast,off the train tracks
I can slow it down, ohjust when you think your bout to turn back
'Stead you might crash
I'll be your ground, oh[Chorus]

Oh when you feel your hearts guarded,
And you see the brakes started,
And when the clouds above Departed,
You'll be right here with me,

And when your tears are dry from cryin,
And when the worlds turned silent,
So when the clouds above Departed,
You will be right here with me,Oh oh [Repeat x10]
I will be right here with you...
you'll be right here with me[Repeat][Verse 2]

When your trapped and there's just no key,
And you can't breathe,I breathe for you,
The fire's got you down on both knees,
And the walls are closing in but I will,
Break it through,And when you feel alone,
I'm a be at home,
Whenevers comes and go,
You know I got you,[Chorus]

Oh when you feel your hearts guarded,
And when you see the brakes started,
And when the clouds above Departed,
You'll be right here with me,
(You'll see the sun)
And when your tears are dry from crying, crying,
And when the worlds turned silent...silent,

So when the clouds above Departed,
You will be right here with me,[Bridge]
I will be here right beside you,
Every step you take (yea),
I will be your strength your shelter,
Shield you from the rain.....

he's doing it again!!
if he's nt making me mad... he's making me worried....
why can't he just let me be happy?
what does he wants in life?????
why does he gets nervous when i'm angry with him??
i do love him for god's sake! so pls dun do this to me okay..

I'm extremely sad with Ridzwan ryte now...
I've already known that this r'ship is doom from the start...
Why did i perservere? U cannot change the nature of a person...
So many ppl warn me abt it... N i refuse to listen...
I only saw the surface... I nvr saw the true colours...
The fact is that he nvr changed.