I think I will be going crazy if i stayed showtec long.
I dread seeing her face everyday... Gosh!
Everythg will be my mistake. Hate it.
Dear God.. Pls help me.. I really need a new job!!

What a sad & gloomy day for me.
Sharon is alwayz enjoying herself & "torturing" me.
In reality, she doesn't know wats a hard life really is.

My bonus is far, far away. Haizzzz...
5 and half more months to go. :(

I completely do not understand why ppl do not want to admit their mistakes.

It's obviously her mistakes and she wanted to shift the blame on other people and let out her unhappiness. Even the boss thinks she is wrong so that means she is really wrong.

And do you really have to gossip in chinese abt the person who's obvious abt it even though she does not understand chinese??

It really makes me so damn mad!! Why do I have to take all the blame when she is the one who shifts all the work to me??!

I really hate her. N i'm stuck in this job for dunno how long.
Haizz... Dat's life.

Smlm... dia tanya aku whether dia nie jahat sgt ke?
Apa yg dia dah buat smp aku tk suka dia? I dunno why... It's kind of sad really.
But I felt that what sins I have made to God, since I got a guy like him?

Actually..... It's quite true that he nvr did anythg directly hurting towards aku.
And I know dat he loves me... But sometimes his actions are infuriating.
Sometimes, i juz felt that I can't accept his actions sometimes.
The heartache will forever be with me, since I don't have such nasty pasts for him to be heartaching over.
It does seems like he doesn't deserves me but overall he's actually not dat bad of a person.
Maybe he's extremely weak, but he's not bad.

Kalau dia loves aku, he wld forgo the hotel thg and be a gd guy and save the money rather than spend it and then end up have to withdraw frm the joint account.
When he knows dat money is a very important thg to me...

And I really don't like him to keep quiet. But since he said, wat I said is all true, then I guess that he don't have anythg more to say...

Kdg2... aku rasa aku sendiri yg contradicting, since I believe that humans make mistakes, he made mistakes, then why did I feel geli/jijik if he tells me stories abt the past??

Psl... dia yg sendiri melebih2 cerita kdg2 buat aku geli... yucks.
Pada aku he likes to talk abt his first ex... n the thgs dat he did (like following her blindly)n dat makes me more angry and hates him more. N she's not even a sweet young thg.

Maybe it's all my mistakes. I overestimates my own weakness.

Semua resah hati manusiamu...
Untuk membagi kisah atas nama cinta...
Derai air mata di setiap sujudmu...
Seperti tak pernah cukup untuk menjagaku...
Jangan butakan hati menjadi cinta yang semu....oo... Cinta yang semu...

Kau hembuskan ayat-ayat cinta untukku... Di sela doa dalam malam-malam yang sunyi...

Ampun yang engkau pinta, dalam semua keraguan yg tlah meliputi jiwamu...
Semoga akan membawa cintamu... Pada diriku dalam jalan dan ridho-Nya...
Jangan butakan hati menjadi cinta yang semu...oo... Cinta yang semu...

Kau hembuskan ayat-ayat cinta untukku...
Di tengah terik matahari dan dinginnya malam...
Kau panjatkan ayat-ayat cinta pada-Nya...
Melindungi dan menjaga kisah cinta kita...

10th of Sept 2008

Actually,

I wanted to wear back tudung after marriage.. Coz all my previous bfs and including wan also, proves to be such difficult guys. But, I persevere and decided to make my final decision and wear because of beloved atuk and also because I believe that if Wan really loves me, he won't mind to sacrifice a lot for me n that includes everything that he had to go thru now.. He had never sacrificed anythg for anyone.. So I guess it could be special. Only then we will achieve that happiness.

I have mixed feelings regarding wearing tudung at first, feels a bit like regret coz of Wan & some others are making my life a bit difficult and also because I still feel like dressing up and I haven't achieved my dreams of being successful and trendy. But on the other hand, wearing back tudung gives me a sense of calm and peacefulness.......

Thank God!

28th Oct 2008:

Although I know that he loves me a lot... From yesterday blog. But I still have some trust issues with him. Esp when dia shift ptg. Dats y I said I dun like him msk shift ptg.
Dis is wat happens lah. Pagi & mlm, dere will nt be a prob.
It's not that I dun wanna trust him completely. But he had to admit that he got nt so gd histories and even though a guy could love a gerl so much, but then the chances of infidelity wld still be dere as long as the other party knows hw to get to his weaknesses.

Abeh mcm smlm, it clearly shows dat the first part he's nt tired and still in gd mood and then suddenly nt gd mood or seems nervous. Then knape nk kene jalan kaki kan & then mcm nk tknak je bebual? Usually he will either take LRT or Bus.. nak balik umah cepat to eat or play games. Then he dun wanna kol me bila balik.. maybe coz he felt guilty?

Then do you expect me to think good only? No right... Esp since I know that gerl will always be there. As long as she nvr went to another shop or my bf nvr pindah. Coz I knw dat when uncle drops me at CCK, I wld always see her. N i know dat she's working yesterday. Anyway, a woman's instinct is always right...

If he lied to me, then so be it.

27th Oct 2008:

Today is his real birthday but I already wish him.
At 9.20 pm he called me and we talk for 3 hrs.. hehe...

I think that he's a sweet guy. And since i've known that he's not a sweet talker and he's not prone to lying, I would believe whatever he said juz now.
He told me that I'm different from the rest of the gerls and if he had met me before, he wouldn't have gotten married with his ex wife dulu...

That's the thg that he regretted most. Anyway, she doesn't look like the good, decent type sgt. Mayb coz Wan is also not dat gd dulu. Still, mayb they see other ppl behind each other back, so the love is not true at all. So when ppl got married, insincerely, they won't last long. Pity the daughter though.
Hw could you grow up and then learnt that you r born nt because of your parents love? That'll be very sad. I've nvr doubt that mama n abah doesn't love each other. At least I could be pacified with dat fact even though I'm nt close to my father.

But it can't be helped.. he cannot meet me dulu coz... even when he's married, i'm only still in Sec 4. Still struggling for my 'O' Levels. If before that, there's no way that he could meet me coz I only got to know guys the earliest when I'm in Sec 4. And I nvr chat.
So.. where do I meet him? I guess I nvr go out a lot and I dun frequent the place dat he went dulu.

And of cos lah I know that he loves me more than anyone else. That's all that matters.

His goal: To get married to ME and lives happily ever after? :) :)
My goals: To get married, to be a good wife, a good mother, successful in life, do more charities, hold a respectable job, take up advanced diploma n mayb a degree?, have a beautiful house, start my own business... etc.

See the difference between us?
His happiness lies with me only and my happiness lies with him and a lot of other things. :)

26th Oct 2008:

Celebrated his 33th birthday today.. which actually falls tomorrow..
At first really not in good mood because of yesterday and because I got flu.
He said he was sorry.. So I'm not so mad at him anymore...
Then aft taking the flu medicine, I feel drowsy so I went to sleep for a while.
When I woke up, I gave him the present.. Hehe

And then we ordered pizza hut.. :) Watch movie. Pity the birthday boy lah.
Not much celebration going...
And then worst.. I bought the wrong present for him...
Sedih sey.. Nvr mind, I will make it up to you some other day...

Valentine's Day I will make sure I give him a nice one...

Sometimes, i think that wan is not a responsible boyfriend.
So... How do you think that he could be a good husband???
Dahlah nak ajak org pegi tempat tu bsk.. then hw could he treat me like dis kan?

Countdown to New Year, Bonus and a new job:

Working days: 50 working days to new year
60 working days to bonus
90 working days to a brand new job (maximum)

Countdown to Marriage Life:

1 month to the HDB application result.
2-3 months to our confirmation.
11 months to the fasting month.
12 month to the Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
15-18 Months to Our Wedding...

Amin. I'm so excited. I can't wait for 2009.
I can feel that it will be an exciting year and full of hopes.
I will think abt my resolutions later...

Wan dah go check up and everythg's fine now...
There's nothing to worry abt... Wat a relieved...
I love my dear a lot....... Mmuach!! Mmuach!!

Psst: His Birthday is coming.. Dunno wat I shld get for him?

I finally confessed to my dear just now.. Haizz...
What a shame!
I feel so guilty and immoral...
Dear God.. Pls forgive me for my sins...

18/10/2008 ---> OUR FIRST YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

I'm so happy that we hit our first year... But, he still makes me angry on our anniversary!!
Psl dia lambat for 30 mins coz dia main game... :(
Then lepas tu tk mkn smp lapar coz dia main game... :(
Then masa aft kita mkn Fig n Olive tu, kita exchange cincin pon mcm tk romantic psl aku tgh marah lage...
But aft dat nasib dah okay... Ada ke dia nk ajak aku pegi tempat tu dat day??
Aku dahlah pakai tudung... Upset tau!!

Haizz... I juz got to know somethg tadi...

He msg Fadly!!! On the sly... When Fadly first told me kat msn, I was kinda embarassed
and mad... Hw could he do this to me?? I already told him to drop it coz I could handle
it myself.

But I have decided not to confront him. He probably did it out of jealousy and coz he dun wanna lose me.. So, I shld understand his situation.
The most I wld do is to delete the no. frm my old hp that he's using now...

Apa apa pon... Happy First Year Anniversary to both of us... Sign that we have marked our one year despite all circumstances means that our love had grown stronger over time.
Hope that it will laz forever... :)

Usually kan kalau a guy (ur bf) forgets to sms or call you on dat day, wat r the reasons?

Penat?
Ngantuk?
Lupa?
Inbox full?
Hp batt low?
Dah malas nk layan?
Call/sms another gerl?
Tk bwk hp? (Tapi smlm bwk)

Aku kecewa lah dgn dia.
Mcm gini ke nanti hidup aku yg seterus-seterusnya?
*Sigh*

My relationship with Showtec has it's up and down.
You could called it a LOVE-HATE r'ship.

My boss is okay except for the exceptional moods.
But Sharon...... That's not quite okay.
Joanna + Sharon = Not Okay.

Sometimes, u feel that it's really unbearable to work here but other times i could still survive a day here.

My colleagues are okay but it does gets boring here because you are different from them.. Too much of the worldly things.
Prefer not to get involved. The connections are not dere i guess.

You have to play the game in order to survive.

Lunch was not easy.
Distance is bearable since I got transportation from CCK.

But I juz find that I'm unappreciated here. I do most of the work.

And I feel that the salary does not commensurate with the amount of work.
Although some might say that it's a big enough amt already.

Still, my perseverance had pay off, since I had survvived 18 months here.
18 whole damn months.
Not a long time, i know but it's at least something. I had that valuable experience.

Around 95 more days countdown to tendering my resignation.
I hope I could get a better & secure job after this.. Amin...

Lost in a dream
Don't know which way to go
If you are all that you seem
Then baby I'm movin' way too slow
I've been a fool before
Wouldn't like to get my love caught
In the slammin' door
How about some information--please

Straight up now tell me
Do you really want to love me forever... oh oh oh
Or am I caught in a hit and run
Straight up now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together... oh oh oh
Are you just having fun
Time's standing still
Waiting for some small clue
I keep getting chills
When I think your love is trueI
've been a fool before
Wouldn't like to get my love caught
In the slammin' door
How about some information--please

[Chorus:]Straight up now tell me
Do you really want to love me forever... oh oh oh
Or am I caught in a hit and run
Straight up now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together... oh oh oh
Are you just having fun
You are so hard to read
You play hide and seek
With your true intentions
If you're only playing games
I'll just have to say--
bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye
Do do you love me
Do do you love me
Do do you love me
Do do you love me ?

Aku rasa aku kecewa sgt dgn wan.
Dah tkda meaning lage relationship nie aku rasa.
Maybe dia mmg dh nk break up dgn aku tapi dia tk smp hati...?
Kalau tk, dia tkkan lah tergamak nk buat nie semua...
Call aku pon tknak angkat...

I think I had a breakdown smlm...
During first day Hari Raya pulak tu..
Tak pernah2 tau.. Why can't he give me a bit of happiness at least?
Coz I couldn't stand it when he does it to me everytime?
N then I had to face everyone!!
It's so embarassing.. Why did he ALWAYZ do this to me?
What is he thinking?? What's in his mind??
I don't know whether I should stay mad at him or not, but he definitely have not msg me till now.

I think it's kinda hard for me to take bila wan perangai mcm gini... Lebih2 lage bila nk raya. Kalau ye pon aku creates mcm2 story, he should juz take it in his strides coz he knws dat dere's a few event happening these past few wks.. Of cos dat i'm still unstable right. Wif all these thgs happening and he's not part of it...
But no, he had to react more than me. Like he's the one who had been test wif all the dugaan.
And the words he said... Couldn't be more hurtful.
Alwayz, he expects me to understand him je bt he can't bring himself to understand ppl.
Why??

Saat2 gini when aku rasa dat he's nt the one for me, den why did sometimes i feel dat he is?
Will he reacts like dis in the future or more worst?
How will my life be after we r married?
Everybody was saying dat my life wld be difficult coz I wld always be the one who wld be thinking & handling abt everythg.

Dear God.. I beg u.. Pls don't put me in dis spot.. if he's nt the one.. Pls dun drag dis r'ship further. Juz let him break it up wif me now. I cld still try to survive the heartache coz of my datuk death is greater impact to me.
f he's really the one, let him stay & show me some signs.. Amin.

Anuar Zain - Ketulusan Hati

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa
Cintaku hanya indah
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya

Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau biarkan kasihku
Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis
Hanya tulusnya hati mencintaimu
Tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku hanya untuk dirimu selalu
Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa
Tak ada seribu janji
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya
Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau benarkan kasihku
Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis hanya tulusnya hati
Mencintaimu tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku hanya untuk dirimu selalu
Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau dengarkan kasihku................

Kdg2 aku sedih lah dgn wan. Coz he doesn't makes me happy.
Kdg2 he cld makes me happy but kdg2 dia lupa. :(
What am i gonna do now??
Do i still love him or not? What is this feeling?