Sometimes, i think that wan is not a responsible boyfriend.
So... How do you think that he could be a good husband???
Dahlah nak ajak org pegi tempat tu bsk.. then hw could he treat me like dis kan?

Countdown to New Year, Bonus and a new job:

Working days: 50 working days to new year
60 working days to bonus
90 working days to a brand new job (maximum)

Countdown to Marriage Life:

1 month to the HDB application result.
2-3 months to our confirmation.
11 months to the fasting month.
12 month to the Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
15-18 Months to Our Wedding...

Amin. I'm so excited. I can't wait for 2009.
I can feel that it will be an exciting year and full of hopes.
I will think abt my resolutions later...

Wan dah go check up and everythg's fine now...
There's nothing to worry abt... Wat a relieved...
I love my dear a lot....... Mmuach!! Mmuach!!

Psst: His Birthday is coming.. Dunno wat I shld get for him?

I finally confessed to my dear just now.. Haizz...
What a shame!
I feel so guilty and immoral...
Dear God.. Pls forgive me for my sins...

18/10/2008 ---> OUR FIRST YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

I'm so happy that we hit our first year... But, he still makes me angry on our anniversary!!
Psl dia lambat for 30 mins coz dia main game... :(
Then lepas tu tk mkn smp lapar coz dia main game... :(
Then masa aft kita mkn Fig n Olive tu, kita exchange cincin pon mcm tk romantic psl aku tgh marah lage...
But aft dat nasib dah okay... Ada ke dia nk ajak aku pegi tempat tu dat day??
Aku dahlah pakai tudung... Upset tau!!

Haizz... I juz got to know somethg tadi...

He msg Fadly!!! On the sly... When Fadly first told me kat msn, I was kinda embarassed
and mad... Hw could he do this to me?? I already told him to drop it coz I could handle
it myself.

But I have decided not to confront him. He probably did it out of jealousy and coz he dun wanna lose me.. So, I shld understand his situation.
The most I wld do is to delete the no. frm my old hp that he's using now...

Apa apa pon... Happy First Year Anniversary to both of us... Sign that we have marked our one year despite all circumstances means that our love had grown stronger over time.
Hope that it will laz forever... :)

Usually kan kalau a guy (ur bf) forgets to sms or call you on dat day, wat r the reasons?

Penat?
Ngantuk?
Lupa?
Inbox full?
Hp batt low?
Dah malas nk layan?
Call/sms another gerl?
Tk bwk hp? (Tapi smlm bwk)

Aku kecewa lah dgn dia.
Mcm gini ke nanti hidup aku yg seterus-seterusnya?
*Sigh*

My relationship with Showtec has it's up and down.
You could called it a LOVE-HATE r'ship.

My boss is okay except for the exceptional moods.
But Sharon...... That's not quite okay.
Joanna + Sharon = Not Okay.

Sometimes, u feel that it's really unbearable to work here but other times i could still survive a day here.

My colleagues are okay but it does gets boring here because you are different from them.. Too much of the worldly things.
Prefer not to get involved. The connections are not dere i guess.

You have to play the game in order to survive.

Lunch was not easy.
Distance is bearable since I got transportation from CCK.

But I juz find that I'm unappreciated here. I do most of the work.

And I feel that the salary does not commensurate with the amount of work.
Although some might say that it's a big enough amt already.

Still, my perseverance had pay off, since I had survvived 18 months here.
18 whole damn months.
Not a long time, i know but it's at least something. I had that valuable experience.

Around 95 more days countdown to tendering my resignation.
I hope I could get a better & secure job after this.. Amin...

Lost in a dream
Don't know which way to go
If you are all that you seem
Then baby I'm movin' way too slow
I've been a fool before
Wouldn't like to get my love caught
In the slammin' door
How about some information--please

Straight up now tell me
Do you really want to love me forever... oh oh oh
Or am I caught in a hit and run
Straight up now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together... oh oh oh
Are you just having fun
Time's standing still
Waiting for some small clue
I keep getting chills
When I think your love is trueI
've been a fool before
Wouldn't like to get my love caught
In the slammin' door
How about some information--please

[Chorus:]Straight up now tell me
Do you really want to love me forever... oh oh oh
Or am I caught in a hit and run
Straight up now tell me
Is it gonna be you and me together... oh oh oh
Are you just having fun
You are so hard to read
You play hide and seek
With your true intentions
If you're only playing games
I'll just have to say--
bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye
Do do you love me
Do do you love me
Do do you love me
Do do you love me ?

Aku rasa aku kecewa sgt dgn wan.
Dah tkda meaning lage relationship nie aku rasa.
Maybe dia mmg dh nk break up dgn aku tapi dia tk smp hati...?
Kalau tk, dia tkkan lah tergamak nk buat nie semua...
Call aku pon tknak angkat...

I think I had a breakdown smlm...
During first day Hari Raya pulak tu..
Tak pernah2 tau.. Why can't he give me a bit of happiness at least?
Coz I couldn't stand it when he does it to me everytime?
N then I had to face everyone!!
It's so embarassing.. Why did he ALWAYZ do this to me?
What is he thinking?? What's in his mind??
I don't know whether I should stay mad at him or not, but he definitely have not msg me till now.

I think it's kinda hard for me to take bila wan perangai mcm gini... Lebih2 lage bila nk raya. Kalau ye pon aku creates mcm2 story, he should juz take it in his strides coz he knws dat dere's a few event happening these past few wks.. Of cos dat i'm still unstable right. Wif all these thgs happening and he's not part of it...
But no, he had to react more than me. Like he's the one who had been test wif all the dugaan.
And the words he said... Couldn't be more hurtful.
Alwayz, he expects me to understand him je bt he can't bring himself to understand ppl.
Why??

Saat2 gini when aku rasa dat he's nt the one for me, den why did sometimes i feel dat he is?
Will he reacts like dis in the future or more worst?
How will my life be after we r married?
Everybody was saying dat my life wld be difficult coz I wld always be the one who wld be thinking & handling abt everythg.

Dear God.. I beg u.. Pls don't put me in dis spot.. if he's nt the one.. Pls dun drag dis r'ship further. Juz let him break it up wif me now. I cld still try to survive the heartache coz of my datuk death is greater impact to me.
f he's really the one, let him stay & show me some signs.. Amin.

Anuar Zain - Ketulusan Hati

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa
Cintaku hanya indah
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya

Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau biarkan kasihku
Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis
Hanya tulusnya hati mencintaimu
Tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku hanya untuk dirimu selalu
Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa
Tak ada seribu janji
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya
Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau benarkan kasihku
Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis hanya tulusnya hati
Mencintaimu tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku hanya untuk dirimu selalu
Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau dengarkan kasihku................

Kdg2 aku sedih lah dgn wan. Coz he doesn't makes me happy.
Kdg2 he cld makes me happy but kdg2 dia lupa. :(
What am i gonna do now??
Do i still love him or not? What is this feeling?

6th of September 2008:

Today is the day my grandfather had passed away.
It was just after midnight. It was on a fasting month.
It was a truly sad, sad day. I was hoping to break fast with him.
I wanted to buy something for him.
I wanted to celebrate his birthday later on Oct.
I didn't know that he was that sick. I still look at him like he was a healthy man.
He alwayz ate like he was a healthy man.
It's because I had nvr once accompanied him to the hospital.
That I didn't know that maybe his condition has worsen.
Tak selalu jenguk2 dia after I've started working. I was too engrossed in making money, making a name out of myself, making sure I had a good future, doing my diploma, making sure i accomplished somethg before i was 25. Too engrossed with Wan too.
In the end I neglected my grandfather.
I really love him very much. He was my favourite person on earth.
He was so funny although he could get angry at times.
I really hope that he's peaceful there now.
I really really thinks that you're the best grandfather ever. U're the only grandfather that I hav ever had.
I could still lead on my life as usual but the fact remains I was missing Atuk badly.
Coz I was crying badly when I wrote this.
So many people turn out at his funeral and I was proud that my atuk had touches many lives.. So many people remembered him.
But I'm ashamed that I failed as the eldest grand daughter.
People are all looking at me like they were expecting somethg more from me. N I can't even provide that something to them.
At that point of time I felt like I was a complete failure. I just wanted my Atuk back.
I wanted him to be at my wedding. I wanted him to see his first cicit.
I had so many hopes for the family in the future. N everythg was gone when Atuk was gone. I would forever live with this regret.
I didn't have regrets when my mom died coz at that point I was little and I didn't felt like I didn't do her much. But this was diff.. He was waiting everyday for me to come..........
N I failed him coz of certain circumstances. Nobody could understand the sadness, but for me he was my only hope.

Alwayz in memory: My dearest datuk, Mohammad Bin Amat.

"I read a note my grandma wrote...
Back in 1923... Grandpa kept it in his coat...
And he showed it once to me...
He said boy you might not understand...
But a long long time ago... Grandma's daddy didn't like me none...
But I loved your grandma so... We had this crazy plan to meet...
And run away together... Get married in the first town we came to...
And live forever..........

But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead...
I found this letter and this is what it said...
If you get there before I do... Don't give up on me...
I'll meet you when my chores are through...
I don't know how long I'll be... But I'm not gonna let you down...
Darling wait and see... And between now and then...
Till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me...

I read those words just hours before my grandma passed away...
In the doorway of the church... When me and grandpa stopped to pray...
I know I'd never seen him cry... All my 15 years...
But as he said these words to her...
His eyes filled up with tears...

If you get there before I do... Don't give up on me...
I'll meet you when my chores are through...
I don't know how long I'll beBut I'm not gonna let you down...
Darling wait and see... And between now and then...
Till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me...
Between now and then, till I see you again... I'll be loving you... Love me"

I'm feeling lethargic again!!! I'm having sleepless nights!!!
Why is it that I felt like i'm bored with my life or bored with Wan???
Mayb i wish my life could be more exciting???
Maybe i'm ready to move on to the next phase but Wan still enjoys being in this phase coz he had already been to the next phase last time???
Dats why he juz sits back & relaxed.
I just think its unfair lor... Everythg is unfair to me.

Maybe its wrong of me to have such bad thots...
Ouh! Why am i so evil?? Having bad thots towards his ex wife...
But, u can't expect me to like her right???
She un-intentionally make my life difficult.
I hope that someday she will realized her wrong doings.
I hope one day my heart will be really & completely pure...
But for now, i will still have my evil thots towards her & the first ex.

Smlm is so sad & funny. Bdk yg kecik2 tu semua dahlah msk n bising2 kat bilik aku... Irritated pon ada. Nk buat homework pon tk sempat. N then mcm kesian sey alih2 dh nk dekat kul 11 pm, si akmal tu nangis kuat plak tu kat hall.

Rupanya I think my stepmum marah dia coz he like pukul the baby or sumthg. Then my dad dh gila asyik nk pekik2 je... Tk tau lah apa ntah. Tk tau bdk tu kat mana masa tu. Aku rasa Akmal mayb he's jealous lah or sumthg coz he dpt adek baru. N he dun understand what is baby.

But then terus my sister yg one of the twin amek dia lah n then dukung kasi aku kat dlm bilik.. bila aku dukung, dia stop nangis pulak tapi terus bdk tu terdiam sey.. muka sedih je... Aku kasi dia milo kotak pon tknak.. Slalunya dia lah yg first berebut. Kesian sey.. Then yg aiman dgn syablani asyik tanya je asal dia tk ckp, tk gerak plak tu.. Tknak gerak dari lap aku. N then the face lah.. Like so very sad. Terus mata dia dh ngantuk nk tertido, baru aku suroh syablani kasi kat my dad.

Mayb the age gap too near sgt.. tk patut lah... Bdk tu blom pandai ckp pon.. maseh blom faham pape.
If i become a parent one day, aku will make sure that the age gap between all of them is not too near.

N then Aiman pulak nk tido katil aku.. aku ckp cannot lah, tido kat bilik dia.. Then aku ckp joking2 nanti i kahwin, aku kasi dia lah katil nie.. Pastu dia ckp "Along nk kahwin dgn sape...?" n then aku ckp lah dgn org asal nk sibuk.. then dia ckp "Abeh asal kau dh tknak tido sini? Abeh nk tido kat mana?" Then aku ckp tido kat umah lain lah.. Then terus muka dia semacam sey.. Dia ckp "Alah, asal kau nk tido umah lain? Aku suka kau sey.." Haha.. SO sweet!! Dun worry Aiman, Along won't forget u ever...

Dats why aku ckp there is no pretension is little kids.. Unless adults teaches them the wrong thgs... Haizzz....

Sometimes I think life is really unfair...
But why does it have to be that way? Why do Wan hav to marry his ex wife and then divorce and then why does she have to marry my uncle??
Then since i married later, i should bear all the consequences....
Bored*Bored*Bored*
Blom apa2.. my wedding is spoilt.
Unless.. If i put a notice esp asking them not to attend...
Dat will seems evil esp since dats my relative... Duh!!

Why ehk? Why? Why? Why? Usually God gives this punishment to those who hav sinned... But is he showing that Wan is the one who's at fault?
That's why he arranged it this way??
Wan does his ex wife alwayz had it easy and he had it difficult?
Is it because he's the weaker party...?
Or is it God make it this way because ppl with more dugaan will emerge stronger??

U know why i nvr ever complaint abt my boss?? Because its a fact that he's nice to me (ever scold me one time only) and even though he's a bit stingy n expects his employees to do more (which what 99% of employers expect)... He's actually a nice guy. Alwayz giving ppl chance... sometimes.. too much until ppl could step on him though...
Hmm...........

Hiya all... Yesterday was my 10 months anniversary with Wan... :)

Time flies so fast... I'm glad I know that he's happy with me..
Coz i'm happy too juz being with him.. Thinking abt it, I could nvr imagine myself with another guy other than him.. Serious!!
And I could safely say that I love him more than Hasri now!! Yay! I love him more than my ex-es combined... I love him more than anythg else.. Except maybe Allah!
Even if one day, if... a very handsome, very rich, very hot guy came in into my life, I don't think that I could be with him or any other guy other than Wan.
I simply do not think that the other guys would love me as what my dear loves me.. Maybe they would pretend.. but I don't think it will be true.
Sometimes it scares you huh, when you realized that you could love a person so much.
I've never doubt his true love towards me simply because I could really feel the love.. N when you could feel the love, the pyhsical intimacy would come easily. I'm a very simple girl, I simply can't do it without love. That's a fact. So he does not need to worry abt me cheating him with others.... Hehe...
I hope the day will nvr ever come when I could not feel his love anymore... Then it will be a very sad, sad day...
I will love you dear!! Till eternity......... :)

Counting the days in becoming his wife.....................................

Wee.. my bf came back juz now from Thailand...
I'm so happy... Maybe its true dat couples cannot live without each other?
Hehe..... Hari2 nangis sey coz i really miss him... Gila kot?

Anyway, I wonder how can a job give someone so much strez?
Why? Why did i hav to bear the strez n the job burden at the same time?
Did they pay mountains to me? No!!
I dunno why i wanna continue suffering here...
In a place where ur presence is not even appreciated??
Where the company doesn't value the employees??
Where I have to take the blame for everything???
Ouh my god pls.. Pls give me a great job opportunity...
I really need it. Amin...

Today is the 2nd day my dear go to Thailand...........
I can't believe that i cried dat day... N i can't believe that you can miss a person so much... Yelah... paling2 pon kalau tk okay... cuma 1 day je gitu...
And at least dat time i can still sms him sey... susah lah gini...
I really miss him!!!! Oh God....

N juz now i miss chatting wif him kat msn... Coz today i was so damn busy!!
I made a big mistake yesterday and i was suffering from it.
Although I have to say my senior was partly at fault.. Or else all these won't happened.
Why muz i face all this stress? Did they paid for my stress? No right!!

Everytime the same thg happened, i get blamed for it.
I'm sick & tired of hearing ppl gossiping everyday. Oh God!
Pls give me a chance to be successful in life... Pls...

I wonder what he's doing now... Maybe he's enjoying himself so much that he won't even think abt me ryte?? So upset... Gosh... 2 more days to endure this...
Haizzz.....

I dunno why Wan is such a weak person.
I dun meant it as in he hav to be aggressive but........
he muz know what he wants in live.
He muz know what to do, how to reacts... all the basic thgs..
he didn't know!
Kdg2 kesian, kdg2 marah............ Susahlah...