I think I'm stupid lah...
Why must I believe all his words??
Why did I ever suggest to him that idea anyway..
Coz I already knew that he's nt gonna do it??
Bodoh kan.........................
And then you still continue to be nice to him and give in to him.
Why must I stick with him anyway??
I'm not his property what...
Anyway if he really loves me, he won't do that...
So yeah... I kinda hate him right now.

December.

Is such a blissful month. Coz you know that a brand new year is just around the corner.
And I got many so called "holidays" now. Coz Boss juz came back from 2 wks holiday and his mum passed away.
But money is really, really tight now.
I hate this. Why is it such a torture just to get married??
I'm looking forward to all the holidays and for classes to end.
Getting really tired with work, colleagues, classmates, people.
Onlu looking forward in meeting my dear. No stress at all. Kalau jumpa hari2 pon more better.
Can't wait for 2009.
A YEAR OF HOPE.

These past weeks life had been normal.
Just concentrating on saving money.
For him, Dec is full of hope. He's getting his bonus soon..
For me, I have to wait long. I wanted to go dentist, but I feel like my money is not enough... How?
Even though bwk bekal everyday.. Still I need to survive on watever cash I had........
Still got lots of thgs which is unpaid. Makes me worried everyday... Gosh!!
I must nt spend on unnecessary thgs. :(

It's been so long... that I haven't seen your face...
I'm trying to be strong... But the strength I have is washing away...
It won't be long... before i get you by my side...
And just to hold you, tease you, squeeze you...
Tell you what's been on my mind...

I wanna make up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
I wanna make right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...

Girl I know, mistakes were made between us two...
And we show our true selves that night...
Even said somethings weren't true...
Why'd you go and haven't seen my girl since then why can't it be the way it was?
Cause you were my homie, lover and friend...

I wanna make up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...

I can't lie I miss you much...
Watching everyday that goes by...
I miss you much... Till i get you back, I'm gonna Try...
Yes I miss you much... You are the apple of my eye...
Girl, I miss you much, I miss you much...
I can't lie... I miss you much...
Watching everyday that goes by...
I miss you much... Tell I get you back...
I'm gonna Try...
Yes, I miss you much... Yes you are the apple of my eye...
Girl, I miss you much... I miss you much...

I wanna make up... right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...
I wanna make love right now na na...
I wanna make love right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...

I want you to fly with me want you to fly...
I miss how you lie with me, miss how you lie...
Just wish you could dine with me, wish you could dine with me..
One that would grind with me, One that would grind with me...
I want you to fly with me, want you to fly...
I miss how you lie with me, Ohh miss how you lie...
Just wish you could dine with me, wish you could dine...
One that would grind with me, Ohh One that would grind...

I wanna make up right now na na...
I wanna make up right now na na...
Wish we never broke up right now na na...
We need to link up right now na na...

- I can't believe I cried when I saw this videoclip...
I hope that wherever you are right now, you will think of me this way..
I wanted you to realize that what you did is very painful for me.
I hope that you realized, when you had everything now,
What could you possibly desire anymore?
Only the one that you love most.

Boring lah... sia2 je aku amek half day hari tu.

Aku dah agak dah.. mesti it does not went well. Failure again.

Tapi, aku tknak lepaskan peluang nie coz it's an organization yg aku suka...
Dun tell me I have to be stuck at Showtec? Oh no!!

Bodoh lah. Dah waste aku nya leave.. nasib dat day dpt jumpa my dear.

Now lage a few wks to the new year... 2009.

So many thgs to do, assignments to finish, so many thgs to think of.....

I really hope that Wan and me could last till our wedding and we could become as husband and wife.
Cuma masalahnya... dia nie susah nk kumpul duit? Then bila susah nk kumpul duit, susah pulak nk ckp dgn his parents... So mcm mana tu ada gini nya probs?

Hopefully 2009 everythg will goes well... Amin...

I feel happy everyday that I got someone who loves me very much by my side...
Thanks to him.. I think it really made my life more meaningful...
At least we could support each other in this life.

But I am unhappy everyday because of the job environment...

I really wish for a change of job soon... But the economy is really bad.
And what do I have as an advantage against others??

Ouh my God.. I really dun wanna be stuck with this bunch of ppl.
Thank you God for giving me a job but I really wish for a new and better job soon.

Amin.

Bila ehk nak jadi somebody who's respected?
N not to worry anymore?
You have to earn the respect what...

Bila hidup aku nk jadi lain? Hopefully after marriage lah..
And hope my life will becomes better and not worst.

*Now on enjoy mood coz boss in on holiday! Yay!*
*I wanna do braces!!!*

Kadang2 aku pelik lah dgn diri aku...
Apa lage rahsia Wan yg aku nk korek2 nie?
Apa lage benda buruk yg aku expect nk terkeluar?
Smp kdg2 ntah kat mana2 aku alih2 search kan nama dia...
In hope for what?
For more dirty secrets?
Then what?
I could safely asks for a break up?
Even though it's really in front of my eyes dat i'm the one who's doing the bad thgs in dis r'ship? Is it because I dun feel secure wif him?
So is it my fault or his?

Aku pon tk tau apa yg aku nak nie sebenarnya?
I'm lucky enough to hav a guy who loves me wholeheartedly.
Point blank ckp, he really loves me. The whole world could see dat.
N he won't ever, ever leave me... ever.
So I could live happily ever after n no divorce.
So.. apa lage yg aku nak? Apa lage yg aku tk happy psl dia?
Apa lage yg aku carik?
Lelaki mcm mana yg aku nak?
Jodoh apa yg aku really hope kan dtg?
Org mana yg aku still waiting?

Kalau tk happy, asal aku gi accept dia?
Asal aku memandai ckp aku leh accept duda anak satu?
Apa yg aku nampak in him dat time?
Then.. is it dat i'm lying to myself n to him?
Do I really love him?
Could I bear dissapoint somebody who loves me?
Does he deserves all these after what he's gone thru?
Do I deserve all these after wat I've gone thru?

From young... Or teenagers I had alwayz known that I'm special.
I'm got a different set of thinking from others.
I've alwayz wanted a different kind of life, a different kind of dreams, somthing that is untouchable but I still tried to reach it.

I wanted to touch ppl lives, do something meaningful, not the kind of way normal ppl live their life. But alas, I've got a normal family so I guess it's kind of unreachable and wan's family is also kind of the same with my family so I guess my life would kinda be the same. Unless, if Wan's agree to make some changes in his life with me.

That'll be great isn't it? Hehehe....

I just hope that I will have a happy & meaningful life.
And even though others doesn't believe in me, I will still strive very hard to achieve what I dreamt of.

Last wk had been a bad week... Alwayz crying when I talk to him.
Dunno wats wrong wif me.. Juz felt so dissapointed wif him. Even salah kecik pon boleh jadi besar?? Knape sey.. Susah lah... Rindu mmg tetap rindu especially klau dh tk jumpa for a long long time... Haizz?? Ntahlah...

People alwayz think that I dream too much.
But dere's nothing wrong in dreaming ryte??

Anyway who said that a dream could not become reality??
Who told you that dreams should alwayz be a dream.

I've alwayz seek inspirations from ppl who are successful with their own efforts.
N I inspire to be like them some day.

I hate it when ppl doesn't believe in me. Its the same as my dad, nenek and all the others.

I think I will be going crazy if i stayed showtec long.
I dread seeing her face everyday... Gosh!
Everythg will be my mistake. Hate it.
Dear God.. Pls help me.. I really need a new job!!

What a sad & gloomy day for me.
Sharon is alwayz enjoying herself & "torturing" me.
In reality, she doesn't know wats a hard life really is.

My bonus is far, far away. Haizzzz...
5 and half more months to go. :(

I completely do not understand why ppl do not want to admit their mistakes.

It's obviously her mistakes and she wanted to shift the blame on other people and let out her unhappiness. Even the boss thinks she is wrong so that means she is really wrong.

And do you really have to gossip in chinese abt the person who's obvious abt it even though she does not understand chinese??

It really makes me so damn mad!! Why do I have to take all the blame when she is the one who shifts all the work to me??!

I really hate her. N i'm stuck in this job for dunno how long.
Haizz... Dat's life.

Smlm... dia tanya aku whether dia nie jahat sgt ke?
Apa yg dia dah buat smp aku tk suka dia? I dunno why... It's kind of sad really.
But I felt that what sins I have made to God, since I got a guy like him?

Actually..... It's quite true that he nvr did anythg directly hurting towards aku.
And I know dat he loves me... But sometimes his actions are infuriating.
Sometimes, i juz felt that I can't accept his actions sometimes.
The heartache will forever be with me, since I don't have such nasty pasts for him to be heartaching over.
It does seems like he doesn't deserves me but overall he's actually not dat bad of a person.
Maybe he's extremely weak, but he's not bad.

Kalau dia loves aku, he wld forgo the hotel thg and be a gd guy and save the money rather than spend it and then end up have to withdraw frm the joint account.
When he knows dat money is a very important thg to me...

And I really don't like him to keep quiet. But since he said, wat I said is all true, then I guess that he don't have anythg more to say...

Kdg2... aku rasa aku sendiri yg contradicting, since I believe that humans make mistakes, he made mistakes, then why did I feel geli/jijik if he tells me stories abt the past??

Psl... dia yg sendiri melebih2 cerita kdg2 buat aku geli... yucks.
Pada aku he likes to talk abt his first ex... n the thgs dat he did (like following her blindly)n dat makes me more angry and hates him more. N she's not even a sweet young thg.

Maybe it's all my mistakes. I overestimates my own weakness.

Semua resah hati manusiamu...
Untuk membagi kisah atas nama cinta...
Derai air mata di setiap sujudmu...
Seperti tak pernah cukup untuk menjagaku...
Jangan butakan hati menjadi cinta yang semu....oo... Cinta yang semu...

Kau hembuskan ayat-ayat cinta untukku... Di sela doa dalam malam-malam yang sunyi...

Ampun yang engkau pinta, dalam semua keraguan yg tlah meliputi jiwamu...
Semoga akan membawa cintamu... Pada diriku dalam jalan dan ridho-Nya...
Jangan butakan hati menjadi cinta yang semu...oo... Cinta yang semu...

Kau hembuskan ayat-ayat cinta untukku...
Di tengah terik matahari dan dinginnya malam...
Kau panjatkan ayat-ayat cinta pada-Nya...
Melindungi dan menjaga kisah cinta kita...

10th of Sept 2008

Actually,

I wanted to wear back tudung after marriage.. Coz all my previous bfs and including wan also, proves to be such difficult guys. But, I persevere and decided to make my final decision and wear because of beloved atuk and also because I believe that if Wan really loves me, he won't mind to sacrifice a lot for me n that includes everything that he had to go thru now.. He had never sacrificed anythg for anyone.. So I guess it could be special. Only then we will achieve that happiness.

I have mixed feelings regarding wearing tudung at first, feels a bit like regret coz of Wan & some others are making my life a bit difficult and also because I still feel like dressing up and I haven't achieved my dreams of being successful and trendy. But on the other hand, wearing back tudung gives me a sense of calm and peacefulness.......

Thank God!

28th Oct 2008:

Although I know that he loves me a lot... From yesterday blog. But I still have some trust issues with him. Esp when dia shift ptg. Dats y I said I dun like him msk shift ptg.
Dis is wat happens lah. Pagi & mlm, dere will nt be a prob.
It's not that I dun wanna trust him completely. But he had to admit that he got nt so gd histories and even though a guy could love a gerl so much, but then the chances of infidelity wld still be dere as long as the other party knows hw to get to his weaknesses.

Abeh mcm smlm, it clearly shows dat the first part he's nt tired and still in gd mood and then suddenly nt gd mood or seems nervous. Then knape nk kene jalan kaki kan & then mcm nk tknak je bebual? Usually he will either take LRT or Bus.. nak balik umah cepat to eat or play games. Then he dun wanna kol me bila balik.. maybe coz he felt guilty?

Then do you expect me to think good only? No right... Esp since I know that gerl will always be there. As long as she nvr went to another shop or my bf nvr pindah. Coz I knw dat when uncle drops me at CCK, I wld always see her. N i know dat she's working yesterday. Anyway, a woman's instinct is always right...

If he lied to me, then so be it.

27th Oct 2008:

Today is his real birthday but I already wish him.
At 9.20 pm he called me and we talk for 3 hrs.. hehe...

I think that he's a sweet guy. And since i've known that he's not a sweet talker and he's not prone to lying, I would believe whatever he said juz now.
He told me that I'm different from the rest of the gerls and if he had met me before, he wouldn't have gotten married with his ex wife dulu...

That's the thg that he regretted most. Anyway, she doesn't look like the good, decent type sgt. Mayb coz Wan is also not dat gd dulu. Still, mayb they see other ppl behind each other back, so the love is not true at all. So when ppl got married, insincerely, they won't last long. Pity the daughter though.
Hw could you grow up and then learnt that you r born nt because of your parents love? That'll be very sad. I've nvr doubt that mama n abah doesn't love each other. At least I could be pacified with dat fact even though I'm nt close to my father.

But it can't be helped.. he cannot meet me dulu coz... even when he's married, i'm only still in Sec 4. Still struggling for my 'O' Levels. If before that, there's no way that he could meet me coz I only got to know guys the earliest when I'm in Sec 4. And I nvr chat.
So.. where do I meet him? I guess I nvr go out a lot and I dun frequent the place dat he went dulu.

And of cos lah I know that he loves me more than anyone else. That's all that matters.

His goal: To get married to ME and lives happily ever after? :) :)
My goals: To get married, to be a good wife, a good mother, successful in life, do more charities, hold a respectable job, take up advanced diploma n mayb a degree?, have a beautiful house, start my own business... etc.

See the difference between us?
His happiness lies with me only and my happiness lies with him and a lot of other things. :)

26th Oct 2008:

Celebrated his 33th birthday today.. which actually falls tomorrow..
At first really not in good mood because of yesterday and because I got flu.
He said he was sorry.. So I'm not so mad at him anymore...
Then aft taking the flu medicine, I feel drowsy so I went to sleep for a while.
When I woke up, I gave him the present.. Hehe

And then we ordered pizza hut.. :) Watch movie. Pity the birthday boy lah.
Not much celebration going...
And then worst.. I bought the wrong present for him...
Sedih sey.. Nvr mind, I will make it up to you some other day...

Valentine's Day I will make sure I give him a nice one...